How would you describe a people pleaser?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I keep hearing this thrown around everywhere. I think it’s becoming a bit devalued in the way everyone’s suddenly a narcissist for occasionally being a bit selfish. Someone called me a people pleaser at a group dinner the other night cos I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of shared starter rather than just taking it myself. Then someone else said “Waitingforthesunnydays is the least likely person in the world to be a people pleaser”! Amazingly two insults at the opposite end of the spectrum that were equally insulting! I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do unless it’s for family or close friends who’ve done a lot for me, in which case I do it cos I care. I only make an effort to make people like me if I like them and want their company. I smile a lot though, and am always polite and friendly to people, unless they’re dicks or they give me a reason not to. At a party I’m not a mingler, I prefer to hang out with people I know well and whose company I know I enjoy. If I felt someone didn’t like me and I didn’t know why (in say, a work setting) it would bother me though. Not sure I’d make loads of effort to try and make them like me but I’d be a bit miffed about it. Am I a people pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? How do you know? What do you think made you that way? How would you define it? Do you think you become less of a people pleaser as you get older?

Is a people pleaser different from someone who doesn’t like conflict? Cos a lot of people wouldn’t want to make a fuss cos they don’t like conflict but aren’t necessarily people pleasers..or are they basically the same?

I’m a people pleaser. I’m very loyal. I find it outrageous if someone doesn’t like me.

I’ve calmed down a lot as I’ve gotten older but I often found myself trying to make people’s lives easier. For some reason I felt it was my place to do it.

Is this your very first visit to MN??…if you think THIS is a nasty & unpleasant thread 🤣

I find it outrageous if someone doesn’t like me.

Ironically this makes a lot of people like this, difficult to like.

No-one has a right to be liked by everyone and I wouldn't trust anyone who tries to be.

Yep

I used to be one. I was terrified of people being angry at me. I thought (unconsciously) they would punish me for that.
I didn't do it for the glory, but for fear.

Nah. I can think what I like to be fair. For all you know you might know and like me in real life!!

Oh gosh I didn’t say you couldn’t think what you like, we can all do that.

And yes I might like you initially but once I found out you were trying to be liked by everyone, I wouldn’t be able to trust you, that’s all.

My experience of people pleasers is someone who has low self esteem and doesn't want to risk people disliking them. They can't handle confrontation or criticism because they're oversensitive. They go along with what other people want because they don't want to be a pain or difficult. They say yes to everything because they don't want others to think they don't like them or offend them.

This is an eye opening thread for me as I'm not one for labels and hadn't ever given the concept/tag/title/description people pleaser any thought.

Bless him - that’s so sad. 😢

Yes I might. For you being you. Whether you are supportive, kind, good company etc. Not for doing something for someone that you don’t want to do but making it clear at the same time you don’t want to do it!

however the fact you find it “outrageous” if someone doesn’t like you, perhaps not.

My friend was a people pleaser. She would do things she didn’t want to do just to keep the peace. She used to say that me and my husband argued a lot - we didn’t, she had just never learned how to voice a difference of opinion. She’s grown out of it a bit now since her divorce but it now comes out as passive aggressive comments instead of directly addressing things.

Not exactly. A people pleaser will often see his/her spouse/children as an extension of themselves, and therefore not needing to be ‘pleased’ to the same extent as other people. So my mother, a chronic people pleaser, could never leave the phone unanswered, and would interrupt anything involving her children for anyone else’s slightest whim.

Crap mother

Unpleasant person

It's basically an excessive need to have social approval from others because then that makes you a "good person". For a PP it doesnt matter what they think of themselves (usually they have low self esteem anyway) it matters more what other people think of them.

So, their self esteem is based on external validation rather than internal validation.

This means they will struggle with saying no to people (because then they might be disappointed in them which makes them a "bad" person).
They will hate conflict of any kind and try to appease the person rather than argue their corner even if they strongly disagree
They worry a lot about what others think of them in public- eg a lot of general social anxiety - are they dressed right? have they been polite enough? did they do or saying anything that could be considered rude? etc
They will go out of their way to do favours for people or buy gifts etc Not because they are trying to buy people but because in their minds they genuinely think if they dont do those things it makes them a "bad friend" and not being a "good person" is terrifying for them (usually due to a childhood script and being told they must be like this to be of any value).

All of the above causes them great amounts of resentment/guilt and inner blame. They will beat themselves up for it and they will also never get their own needs met because they are afraid to express them so they will often feel a lot of unexpressed anger and resentment about that which gets turned inward.

Its a very unhealthy way to live and can cause physical illnesses.

@TerracottaBowlyes that’s an accurate description. He’s a very kind man but will at times put complete strangers needs ahead of ours. I think as he is ageing it’s now improved slightly though.

People Pleaser... some who says what you want to hear but also, at the same time, manipulates you into situations where you are left wondering "how did i get here/why did i agree to that?"

And as a result… with the person closest to him in the world, his wife It’s caused a lot of issues between us.

This is not a “people pleaser”. This is someone who seeks approval and glory from other people but doesn’t give much of a hoot about those closest to him

I was a massive people pleaser for decades. I was too scared to say no to anybody so I’d agree to all kinds of unreasonable requests (like the friend who ask me to provide childcare for her FOUR children aged five and under, from 7am till 7pm for the duration of the summer holidays, for free, while I was on mat leave with a newborn and 4 year old of my own).

I obviously didn’t want to agree to these CF requests but I felt completely worthless and didn’t have the confidence to refuse. Often I’d feel so overwhelmed by these extra responsibilities, and so trapped, that I’d consider suicide.

It was nothing to be proud of. I didn’t think that I was helpful or kind or wonderful. I actually felt like a right bitch because I felt so resentful so often, but because of my history of trauma I wasn’t strong enough to say no to people and they took advantage.

It’s nothing like offering others the last bit of food. That’s not people pleasing, it’s just good table manners.

@DreamyJade

Yep- there is a lot of misunderstanding about people pleasing on this thread.

People pleasers dont think they are "unbelievably wonderful and selfless"- their self esteem is at rock bottom and they are only one displeasing interaction away from crippling anxiety and feeling like shit about themselves.

Their view of themselves is teetering on a knife edge and if they think someone doesnt like them or theyve done something socially unacceptable or "wrong" they will spiral into feeling utterly worthless.

Also, what compounds the problem is that people often dont like people pleasers- not because they are manipulative (thats an entirely different personality type) but because people sense they arent being authentic (which they arent!) and thats the problem. You cant be authentic if you are trying desperately to say what you think others want to hear because you are scared they will dislike you otherwise.

So its self perpetuating cycle - people feel naturally suspicious of people who are inauthentic or come off as a bit needy or full on and so they avoid them, causing them to try even harder to get people to like them and it goes on and on.

I think there’s a bit of a movement atm for women to stop being people pleasers, which is great if you are actually a people pleaser. But the word has become so overused that it’s lost its meaning and I think some people are taking the anti people pleasing too far. I have a friend who was obsessed with the idea that she was a people pleaser. She wasn’t, she was just a normal, kind, polite person, but she decided she would “start saying no a bit more”. Fast forward a couple years and now she just does not give a fuck. It’s quite funny sometimes but she’s taken it way too far! She comes off rude and selfish but she couldn’t care less. If I’m at a group dinner with her and she gets bored and decides she’d rather be at home she’ll just get up and say ‘bye everyone’ and leave mid meal (she even did this to me once when it was just the 2 of us!), on night’s out she’ll just disappear home whenever she feels like it, she won’t answer her phone or texts for days if she doesn’t want to, I went on holiday with her once as part of a group and she didn’t spend anytime on outings with the rest of us each day cos we were leaving too early in the morning, or too late, or it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to see. So she did her own thing by herself every single day! She doesn’t have a partner of kids and I can’t see her ever being able to have another partner since she’s become like this. She just wouldn’t be able to tolerate them!

If you dont like her and think she's rude then stop hanging out with her. Simple.

But her calling herself a "people pleaser" doesnt mean thats an accurate description of it and it doesnt mean that true people pleasing shouldnt be addressed because it can make people's lives utterly miserable.

Also, I dont agree that its "gone too far"- look at all the #bekind crap that is always directed at women and never men when it comes to putting yourself out to help someone, care for someone, inconvenience yourself for someone etc

My sister is a people pleaser. She will go out of her way to do things for other people, even to her own detriment. She worries and ruminates on how people might have interpreted her actions as offensive or as if she doesn’t like them.

I am at the other end of the spectrum. I do things if they suit me. Unless it’s an emergency I won’t compromise on what I want to do for the sake of other people. I rarely reply interactions with other people, and generally don’t care much what they think of me.