How would you describe a people pleaser?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I keep hearing this thrown around everywhere. I think it’s becoming a bit devalued in the way everyone’s suddenly a narcissist for occasionally being a bit selfish. Someone called me a people pleaser at a group dinner the other night cos I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of shared starter rather than just taking it myself. Then someone else said “Waitingforthesunnydays is the least likely person in the world to be a people pleaser”! Amazingly two insults at the opposite end of the spectrum that were equally insulting! I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do unless it’s for family or close friends who’ve done a lot for me, in which case I do it cos I care. I only make an effort to make people like me if I like them and want their company. I smile a lot though, and am always polite and friendly to people, unless they’re dicks or they give me a reason not to. At a party I’m not a mingler, I prefer to hang out with people I know well and whose company I know I enjoy. If I felt someone didn’t like me and I didn’t know why (in say, a work setting) it would bother me though. Not sure I’d make loads of effort to try and make them like me but I’d be a bit miffed about it. Am I a people pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? How do you know? What do you think made you that way? How would you define it? Do you think you become less of a people pleaser as you get older?

In my experience, people pleasers say whatever they think the person they are speaking to wants to hear at the time. They are rarely authentic, rarely take responsibility for their words and actions, and can’t be trusted.

A friend to all is a friend to none.

That’s one individual, not some kind of general trend.

You both sound quite damaged to be honest.

Do you have Children @WheretheFishesareFrightening ?

No. Because I don’t want to compromise on my own life for other humans 😂

A blessing all round I suspect

My sister has huge mental health issues.

I think I’m just a normal person with normal boundaries and normal relationships. I have friends and a husband and other normal relationships.

To take a PP’s example, I will do childcare for friends if I don’t have other plans and enjoy spending time with their children. If their children are terribly behaved then I won’t do the childcare, unless my friend has an emergency and needs the help. If I have other plans (even if that plan is a day to myself) then I won’t sacrifice my plans to offer the childcare - unless there’s an emergency and then I would rearrange.

I’m not sure why that should or would be perceived as damaged.

Well yes… that’s why I made that decision. I’m not sure what you’re trying to get at…

I do like her and I’m not going to stop hanging out with her. I find it hilarious that she just does not give one tiny fuck! It can be annoying and disruptive at times but it’s more funny. I don’t have particularly strong feelings about it but it’s definitely not accurate to say it hasn’t gone too far. I went round her house once to watch a film and get a takeaway and 10 min after I’d arrived (and after ordering the takeaway) she said she’d changed her mind and she wanted an early night and wasn’t that hungry anymore so said she was going to bed. No sorry, no “I probably should’ve let you know before you got in your car and drive 20 min to get here!” She said I was welcome to stay and watch the film by myself and eat the takeaway all to myself! Then went to her bedroom and shut the door. I waited for the takeaway, took my bit and went home to watch the film by myself! And that wasn’t an isolated incident…I don’t get annoyed though, I accept that’s just who she’s become. It’s definitely not normal though!

@Waitingforthesunnydays but clearly she’s not a people pleaser then is she? 🤣

I can say whatever I want about myself, doesn’t mean it’s accurate

No that’s definitely not normal… and she possibly won’t have many friends left if she treats people like that. You sound very unflappable.
A people pleaser would be wracking their brains to think what they had done to upset her when she announced she was going to bed.

As a pp said, I think true 'people pleasers' do it through some sort of fear, not a desire for reward or recognition. I certainly wouldn't say offering the last of a shared dish to others as the OP described is on it's own a sign of people pleasing- just general etiquette.

I have a strong tendency to people please and it's far more than just sometimes offering to help someone, or being nice/polite. I feel it's almost my duty to put other people first and like I will be a terrible, selfish person if I don't. So if anyone (even sometimes people I barely know) asks for help I feel I should offer/agree even if it's very inconvenient and even if someone happens to mention a problem I will be looking for a way that I could do something to help. I also find it very hard to openly disagree with people in a social setting for fear that they will judge me and dislike me for it, so if I do disagree (eg. if I don't like the restaurant friends suggest) I feel I need to put it in a way that makes it clear that I know it's only a personal preference and will be happy to go along with what's suggested if everyone else prefers.

It's something I try to fight against (especially the feeling that I have to put myself out to help every time) and try to ask myself whether the 'help' I'm offering is really needed and whether it's fair to ask myself to do it. I try to think how I would feel if someone ask someone other than me to do this- would I think it was too much? I know this way of behaving is not good for me and does not actually make me more likeable.
In my case I know this is a result of my upbringing- from an early age I was told off if I was considered to be 'awkward' or 'selfish' which could be from just stating a preference. I was also praised if I put myself last and/or kept quiet and went along with everyone else (especially when it came to my brothers). I was a 'good girl' and selflessness was expected, unless I wanted to be told how terrible a child I was. If I ever said 'No' it caused a huge argument and I would be expected to do what was asked anyway. I think my mum grew up with similar expectations and assumed this was normal.

I do think the term has become over-used and I hate to even write that I am trying not to be a people pleaser because I know that some say this as a way to justify actual selfish behaviour. For example, I have an acquaintance who constantly says that she is 'such a people pleaser'. She will post on social media about how busy she is and how difficult it is if people ask her to do things as she finds it SOO hard to say no but she knows she has to. People seem to be rushing to offer her help, telling her how amazing she is and how she is completely right to do nothing for anyone else. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this but the things she complains about being asked to do are not really 'people pleasing'- it might be asking if she could give someone a lift to a night out when they have done the same for her many times, or asking people including her to RSVP to a children's party invitation by a certain date.

I think I was a people pleaser when I was young. My dad always said "Don't make a fuss" so we ended up with stuff that didn't work because he wouldn't complain about it.

The older I've got, the less it applies. I lived on my own for a few years post divorce so if something needed addressing I just did it and have carried on.
OH is very much a moaner and complainer behind closed doors but if there's an issue he won't do anything about it whereas I will.

@sockarefootwear Spot on. I’m the type of person who would probably die before I’d ask for help myself. As such, if someone asked me for a favour, I think I would subconsciously assume that their situation must be life-or-death so I’d feel I couldn’t possibly say no because nobody would ask unless they were absolutely desperate.

Learning that some people are capable of asking for unreasonable enormous favours without even blinking was revolutionary for me. Examining exactly why I felt compelled to agree really challenged and changed my beliefs.

You were just being polite. The person who accused you has outed themselves as selfish and mannerless.

The other person probably meant that you have healthy self-respect, not that you are selfish.

I do agree that self-proclaimed people-pleasers are like self-proclaimed ‘empaths’. That is, they’re not.

People pleasers imo are often scared to stand up for what’s right and don’t want to take sides. They are simps. I don’t consider myself to be one.

Same. I was a people pleaser - agreeing to things I didn’t want to do, helping when I didn’t want to, putting other people ahead of myself. I hated the thought of someone being cross at me because I didn’t do what they wanted.
It’s not true that we’re martyrs and do it all huffing and puffing. When I agreed to do something I didn’t really want to, no one would have been aware of that.
I eventually came to the realisation that the only person not getting what they wanted was me and I did some hard and uncomfortable work on boundaries and learning to put myself first in some situations without feeling guilty or selfish.
I still have a tendency to agree to things I’d prefer not to do but it’s far less than it was and I feel all the better for it.

Source - ME!

For a lot of people it's linked to childhood. If I am a good girl and cheer her up then mummy won't sit in a darkened room crying or give me the silent treatment which is terrifying for a child. It also happens in houses when parents argue and there is no repair - so an argument is the end of the world as far as the child is concerned, conflict is dangerous. These coping strategies persist into adulthood - so I daren't say no to you as you may fall out with me and I don't know that it's not dangerous in a way it was as a child. If you seem off with me then again that's dangerous. It also makes you believe you can control people's moods. So it is a form of control but borne out of it being needed as a child. It's a fawn response, that may be a better way to describe it. It's where you only think you are worthy when you are doing stuff for people - well often as that's what you have been told.

I agree through, phrases get bandied around without must knowledge. Or people will excuse it by saying oh i am such an empath - rubbish, you've got unhealthy coping strategies. Or like others have said , it tunrs into a martyr - so i have to buy my husbands parents presents as he can't/won't do it. There's no must, don't do it and ride out the feeling that you are being horrible.

I speak from experience of all of the above, and a tendency to martyr which I hope I have got a grip of now!

Yeah the childhood link makes a lot of sense.

That was my whole point. She used to be a self-proclaimed people pleaser apparently then decided she wasn’t going to be one anymore and went so wildly in the opposite direction that she ended up just plain rude! I wouldn’t have described her as a people pleaser before, she was just a normal, thoughtful person, now she’s borderline insane

I think the childhood/fawn link is definitely true for me. Not being a 'good girl' meant arguments/telling off that only ever ended with me having to back down and do whatever it was I hadn't wanted to do anyway. My brothers having any form of discomfort or being asked to do anything usually resulted in conflict that sometimes ended in violence and always ended with me being asked to do something for them. So I learned to pre-empt what would keep them happy and not to do anything but be a 'good girl'. I also got praise for this, and learned that I got praise for doing pre-empting other people's needs/doing things to help others outside the family too which reinforced this as a Good Thing.

As an adult, I gradually started to question this but it's still an instinct that I have. I wouldn't generally tell people in real life that I think I am a people pleaser though as I think it has negative implications (weakness, indecisiveness etc). I also wouldn't act like a Martyr- I'm far more likely to understate the difficulty/inconvenience of what I'm doing (part of the fawn response I think).

I think the fact that 'real' people pleasers don't want others to know that's what they are doing leads to frustration though. I know I have felt put upon because I've agreed to help someone then later realised they didn't actually have much of a need for help. I'd assumed they would only ask if it was a big thing and I couldn't say no without really letting them down. Whereas they were the sort of people who find it easy to say no so simply asked if I would be able to help with something and assumed that if it was inconvenient I would have said no.

I have a people pleasing sister in law. It drives me mad.

She's so anxious to make everyone happy that she will NEVER say what she actually would like anf it's both infuriating and exhausting.

If I'm offering a choice of restaurants, I am only mentioning ones I like, so any choice will be great with me. But she can't choose anything in case she picks incorrectly and offends. She'd rather sit through something she hates than make a suggestion. She jumps up to "be helpful" rather than just relax.

People pleasers lack gumption. She is a lovely woman but I wish she'd believe me and SPEAK UP sometimes.

Read that back. Your friend is unbelievably rude, self absorbed and inconsiderate. Surely surely you have other people in life that you would rather spend time with @Waitingforthesunnydays

When I agreed to do something I didn’t really want to, no one would have been aware of that.
or so you think

This is my mother. It's incredibly irritating, and has made her own life, and the life of those around her, much worse. Plus she doesn't stop at just refusing to ever make a choice, which she genuinely thinks is the 'polite' thing to do. She also assumes that when other people do tell her exactly what they want or don't want, that they are just 'being polite', too, so she second-guesses what they must really mean, because nobody would actually say straight out what they wanted, because that would be 'rude'.

So she has shown up with a cake and balloon to the house of someone who has explicitly told her they didn't want to hear their birthday even mentioned, and thought they were 'very ungrateful', and she once made a four-course meal for visitors who had made it very clear in advance that they would have just eaten and were only popping in to say good bye for ten minutes on their way to the airport. And she was outraged that they didn't sit down and try to choke the food down, despite the fact that they had been very explicit about how they would be coming from lunch at someone else's house and would only have a few minutes.

It has made me and my sisters very clear in expressing our wishes.