How would you describe a people pleaser?

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I keep hearing this thrown around everywhere. I think it’s becoming a bit devalued in the way everyone’s suddenly a narcissist for occasionally being a bit selfish. Someone called me a people pleaser at a group dinner the other night cos I asked if anyone wanted the last piece of shared starter rather than just taking it myself. Then someone else said “Waitingforthesunnydays is the least likely person in the world to be a people pleaser”! Amazingly two insults at the opposite end of the spectrum that were equally insulting! I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do unless it’s for family or close friends who’ve done a lot for me, in which case I do it cos I care. I only make an effort to make people like me if I like them and want their company. I smile a lot though, and am always polite and friendly to people, unless they’re dicks or they give me a reason not to. At a party I’m not a mingler, I prefer to hang out with people I know well and whose company I know I enjoy. If I felt someone didn’t like me and I didn’t know why (in say, a work setting) it would bother me though. Not sure I’d make loads of effort to try and make them like me but I’d be a bit miffed about it. Am I a people pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? How do you know? What do you think made you that way? How would you define it? Do you think you become less of a people pleaser as you get older?

You said “my boss”

yes somehow we were meant to assume
not your boss but your line manager (surely your boss?) and your boss is someone else

Anyway… fact is…. My line manager asks me for something, I provide it. And I sure as heck are not a people pleaser! Although I’m pretty certain I please many people in my life regularly!

Illegal? No.
Unethical? No

on closer inspection— you have made yourself MASSIVELY vulnerable to being utterly fucked at work. Hadn’t appreciated that you’ve actually screwed over your proper boss. Woah. That’s bad.

Ok I agree - that’s people pleasing on an epic scale. You could lose your job!!!

Aren’t you terrified that this is going to be uncovered? You would lose your job.

i shouldn’t have to explain what stakeholders are to make the point, you’re clearly very determined to disagree and tell a total stranger you know more about their emotional state than they do.

it’s a strange stance, to be so determined that a stranger can’t be a people pleaser

No I get you now.

This is a terrifying example of people pleasing. You have put yourself at HUGE risk

It was uncovered. I was deeply distressed. Which is it was explored with my therapist to start understanding how to change learnt behaviour

Or to the detriment of their family. I know a few people like this. It is a weird kind of sucking up to people who don't appreciate it in order to win their favour. I think in both cases I am thinking of, they felt abandoned or were not treated particularly well as children.

That’s what people pleasers do

Yes I agree

although the example @Itsmetheflamingo gives is massively to her own detriment ie will lose job if discovered and screws her big boss out of money.

Your division B boss will not be pleased.

Genuine question but are you not seriously worried about being uncovered?

I’ve already answered this?

you appear to be pretty gleeful at the potential outcomes, tbh

So you are worried. I can’t see any reference to that. But anyway - wishing you all the best and not too many sleepless nights.

might be an idea to fess up

My post above

Theysignoffquick · Today 18:36
Aren’t you terrified that this is going to be uncovered? You would lose your job.

Itsmetheflamingo · Today 18:38
It was uncovered. I was deeply distressed. Which is it was explored with my therapist to start understanding how to change learnt behaviour

im sure you’re pleased to know I won’t be having sleepless nights, but thanks for your concern 😉

Shit. This sounds awful 💐

It’s fine, no impacts. Hopefully you have a better idea of what people pleasing looks like though

I do on the basis of that example. One I won’t forget in a hurry!

Yes, exactly. It's not 'being pleasant to other people'. That's just being a normal decent person.

It's a lack of self esteem because often you've been abused or coerced or bullied or betrayed/bereaved and desperately want to keep others happy at the expense of your own deep needs, wants and desires. I know because it's me.

I’ve just bought this thanks