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Original poster

Is this neglect ?

414 replies

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:09

I'm really worried about my niece , age. 4, and don't know if I'm overthinking.
My brother got her mum pregnant after a short relationship, they split shortly after niece was born, he pays maintenance regularly via the CMS but apart from that has little day to day involvement, ( yes I know, DB' s a dick). He's 45 and nieces mum is 25.

-My niece is meant to go to nursery 1-6, 2 afternoons a week during term time, ( nursery stretches funding so this includes holidays). My friend works there and says she's always absent , misses at least one session a fortnight, often more, ( obviously nursery can't enforce attendance as nursery is not legally compulsory). When she is in , session starts at 13:00, but frequently not dropped till 13.30/ 13.45 etc.

  • When she's not at nursery, ( and she rarely is !) they go nowhere. Literally nowhere. Nursery is Tuesday and Friday, and between they don't go out at all. Absolutely lovely shared garden and play area in their block of flats but don't go there. They don't leave the house for days on end. Sister in law is addicted to gaming etc and basically happy to stay in.
  • Sister-in-law doesn't brush her teeth as "niece doesn't like it ", what 4 year old likes having their teeth brushed...
  • Niece is only dressed on nursery days, ( where she does seem to dress her appropriately), she stays in her PJs for days on end otherwise. Whenever I visit on a non nursery day , niece is in her pyjamas, even at 2/3pm. Sister-in-law says what's the point in dressing niece if they are not going out.
  • Sister in law is very overweight, basically live off take aways each night, ( only healthy meal she gets is the dinner 2 x a week at nursery).
  • The flat is filthy. Five cats in a two bed flat , stinks of cat urine whenever I go round, litter trays always overflowing. Extremely cluttered and no space for niece to play.
  • Sister-in-law smokes weed daily, ( she says only when niece is in bed ), but the whole flat stinks of it.

I know the simple answer is to report to soical, but I'm worried they won't do anything and it will just end up withe and my parents being cut off
Does this cross the line to reportable neglect?

OP posts:
PhaedraTwo · 16/04/2026 19:06

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:22

That's partly why I'm posting here , to gain perspective. I personally dress in casual clothes for the day even if ill ....but as you're saying, that part doesn't sound too bad.

Show quote history

I strongly disagree that not getting dressed is OK. Dressing casually isn't comparable with not bothering to get out of your sleep wear. There's no structure to the day and no motivation

PhaedraTwo · 16/04/2026 19:07

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:25

Also the house really is filthy. It reeks of cat urine. I have offered to take 2 of the cats in as 5 is obviously way too much but Mum declined as she loves her cats. The smell of cat urine and weed is genuinely very overwhelming.

Report that as well to RSPCA.

Johnsmithallenjones · 16/04/2026 19:13

Report - Also report your “friend” who should not be discussing this with you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Scrimblescromble · 16/04/2026 19:21

I would say the parts that are likely to raise concerns with statutory services are the hygiene in the home if it’s dirty and dangerous and the poor dental hygiene. I suspect if you make a referral a visit might be made to assess the situation. It would then either go to a child and family assessment or they’d recommend early help/family support. It depends on the area you live in and how their services run.

The part I’m very concerned about is your friends breach of confidentiality and why she hasn’t spoken to her safeguarding lead?

Mcoco · 16/04/2026 19:27

Thank goodness she has you! You sound really caring and are rightly concerned about her well being. Yes its neglect please report.

Scrimblescromble · 16/04/2026 19:28

BettyBoh · 16/04/2026 11:04

Social services need to be made aware but I think they would struggle to effect any change.
SIL is showing clear signs of severe ADHD: gaming addiction meaning she cannot prioritise her daughters needs, no executive functioning to plan and cook so relies on takeaways, weed addiction is used to dampen the ADHD brain and fuel dopamine hits.

Her executive functioning to do domestic basics (cook, tidy, clean, be responsible for daughter and cats) sounds particularly poor. The worse the executive functioning levels the more severe the ADHD.

the problem is that the ability to identify remedial action and put it in place consistently is also an executive function.
in other words, it sounds like SIL doesn’t have the maturity in that part of her brain to fire up the neurons that make improvements to habits and sustain them. That maturity is set and won’t change, a little bit like we all reach our maximum height by the age of about 20. There is no way to make ourselves grow taller, just like there’s no way to make executive functioning more mature.

would you or your family consider looking after neice? At 4 years old a lot of the damage will already have been done and neice likely has inherited ADHD from both parents. It will not be an easy job. But it doesn’t look like niece has much of a future where she is.

Edited

@BettyBoh You managed to diagnose ADHD from reading this post?! That’s incredible. You could save the NHS a fortune and cut the years long waiting lists by giving an armchair diagnosis from a few paragraphs on mumsnet! What a skill!

BettyBoh · 16/04/2026 19:32

Scrimblescromble · 16/04/2026 19:28

@BettyBoh You managed to diagnose ADHD from reading this post?! That’s incredible. You could save the NHS a fortune and cut the years long waiting lists by giving an armchair diagnosis from a few paragraphs on mumsnet! What a skill!

Show quote history

when you spend enough time with people struggling with ADHD and attend enough ADHD support groups you do start to see clear signs. The symptoms are hardly rocket science, especially when looking at severe executive functioning issues.
NHS continually trying to find ways not to diagnose as they are so over-stretched. Often ADHD guidelines are out of date as it takes so long to react to changes in scientific thinking.

i didn’t diagnose. I simply stated that there are clear signs of severe executive functioning issues which indicate ADHD.

ADHD is a spectrum so severe cases are clearer to spot.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 16/04/2026 19:33

GardeningMummy · 15/04/2026 22:17

Oh and whilst I obviously don’t agree with not cleaning teeth, rarely leaving the house and it being “filthy” (if that’s actually accurate and not hyperbole on your part), there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wearing pyjamas when inside the house! It’s much more comfortable, saves unnecessary wear on clothing and as long as they’re clean and frequently changed then why is that an issue????

A young child should have clear divisions and routines, it’s how they learn. Also they should be leaving the house every day, so never in the position to be in their pyjamas all day.

PILEALLTHEPILLSONTHEFLOOR · 16/04/2026 19:35

This is neglect and smoking weed inside a tiny flat with a baby is abuse and bonkers. And YOUR TAX MONEY is subsiding this mess! As a teacher: report report report.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 16/04/2026 19:42

Dubaichocolates · 15/04/2026 22:52

Sounds like the mother is struggling. How much of a break does she get? And I don’t mean the few hours her daughter is in nursery but actual nights off/ days to herself?

Definitely sounds like neglect, do you have the kind of relationship where you could speak to her? Maybe she just needs more support.

Edited

Plenty of parents get no break, but still dress their children, brush their teeth and provide a clean home. Perhaps she should use her nursery opportunities; she’d get a break then. This is not about the mother, this is about a neglected small child. Please report, OP

T1Dmama · 16/04/2026 19:46

Your niece is living in a toxic environment! The cats, the dirty litter litter trays, smell of urine is so unhealthy..
Not getting her dressed everyday isn’t the end of the world but it sounds more like mum just can’t be bothered to do even the simplest things! It’s sad she isn’t bothering to take her to nursery, or cook her healthy meals.
Can you or the family offer to go and pick her up, drop her at nursery,have her for the odd weekends etc ?

I would 100% be reporting a concern. Could your friend the nursery worker or the nursery itself report a concern for her welfare when she doesn’t turn up to nursery a few times in a row. Surely a child not turning up throws up concerns of abuse? As in ‘is she being kept away to hide bruises etc’…. This probably isn’t the case but non attendance should make the staff concerned enough that they report a concern surely? Also does the child’s clothes smell of drugs? I’d assume the smell absorbs into every fabric in the house. Poor child! Nursery could also report a concern on those grounds..
They should be filing a report stating mum and child stink of drugs, mum often can’t get child into nursery so is she out of her head, is she even fit to properly look after this poor child?!

Scrimblescromble · 16/04/2026 19:48

BettyBoh · 16/04/2026 19:32

when you spend enough time with people struggling with ADHD and attend enough ADHD support groups you do start to see clear signs. The symptoms are hardly rocket science, especially when looking at severe executive functioning issues.
NHS continually trying to find ways not to diagnose as they are so over-stretched. Often ADHD guidelines are out of date as it takes so long to react to changes in scientific thinking.

i didn’t diagnose. I simply stated that there are clear signs of severe executive functioning issues which indicate ADHD.

ADHD is a spectrum so severe cases are clearer to spot.

Edited
Show quote history

I also have an adhd diagnosis and am married to someone with it! I’ve worked in family services for years and years and specialise in working with ND families.There are many other things that could explain this scenario as well as ADHD. Trauma, grief, poor mental health and wellbeing, ACEs for your sister in law, her own experiences of being parented, limited education or understanding of a child’s needs and how to meet them, lack of financial literacy etc. To make an assumption about someone’s neurotype based on a few paragraphs on the internet is ridiculous!

nocoolnamesleft · 16/04/2026 19:57

Poor kid. Being neglected by both her parents. Report.

ThistleTits · 16/04/2026 20:00

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:15

Just to add I have raised with DB, he doesn't care, he just rants about how the CMS "take £300.00 a month from me to pay for that fat slobs take aways"...he last saw niece at Xmas.

You could offer to help out with the niece. Can't be much fun being stuck in a flat with a possibly depressed mum. Go to the park, take her to yours for dinner? Even ask if the mum needs help to tidy up.
She's your family and her father isn't stepping up.

Mayaameliaa · 16/04/2026 20:10

The amount of people palming this off as ADHD 😬 I don’t like to judge people but if my mum read this post, she would probably describe her as being utterly feckless, just for a start. If she were single and that’s how she wants to live her life, let her get on with it. But obviously an innocent child is being affected here and you can’t just use mental health as an excuse for everything.

croydon15 · 16/04/2026 20:12

Poor little kid, you need to contact SS who need to make a home visit.
As people have said, are you able to take your DN out for the day or weekend ?

Scrimblescromble · 16/04/2026 20:17

@Rainbowfish1 does your DB have parental responsibility btw? If he’s named on the birth certificate he usually would

Kirstk · 16/04/2026 20:27

cestlavielife · 15/04/2026 22:13

The mother needs suppiort maybe.
The child needs to be out of there some of the time can she spend some days nights with you?
Does your brother want to step up?

This is am a single mum with a teenager with disabilities mentally a toddler... I also have fibromyalgia i struggle on my flare up days my house gets a mess and my son gets late to school. I have zero support... maybe mum needs help maybe shes mentally exhausted and has checked out. Sounds like she needs help/support.

Kirstk · 16/04/2026 20:28

Also what the hell was a 45 year old doing with someone young enough to be his daughter...

DreamyScroller · 16/04/2026 20:29

BettyBoh · 16/04/2026 11:04

Social services need to be made aware but I think they would struggle to effect any change.
SIL is showing clear signs of severe ADHD: gaming addiction meaning she cannot prioritise her daughters needs, no executive functioning to plan and cook so relies on takeaways, weed addiction is used to dampen the ADHD brain and fuel dopamine hits.

Her executive functioning to do domestic basics (cook, tidy, clean, be responsible for daughter and cats) sounds particularly poor. The worse the executive functioning levels the more severe the ADHD.

the problem is that the ability to identify remedial action and put it in place consistently is also an executive function.
in other words, it sounds like SIL doesn’t have the maturity in that part of her brain to fire up the neurons that make improvements to habits and sustain them. That maturity is set and won’t change, a little bit like we all reach our maximum height by the age of about 20. There is no way to make ourselves grow taller, just like there’s no way to make executive functioning more mature.

would you or your family consider looking after neice? At 4 years old a lot of the damage will already have been done and neice likely has inherited ADHD from both parents. It will not be an easy job. But it doesn’t look like niece has much of a future where she is.

Edited

Quite a lot of speculation, psychobabble, armchair diagnoses and excusing shitty behaviour with the ever nebulous 'mental health' excuse.

Not everything is a medical condition. Not everyone who is lazy or neglectful is an untreated case. Please can we stop with this nonsense.

Kirstk · 16/04/2026 20:31

GardeningMummy · 15/04/2026 22:17

Oh and whilst I obviously don’t agree with not cleaning teeth, rarely leaving the house and it being “filthy” (if that’s actually accurate and not hyperbole on your part), there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wearing pyjamas when inside the house! It’s much more comfortable, saves unnecessary wear on clothing and as long as they’re clean and frequently changed then why is that an issue????

We always wear PJs in doors as soon as we get in we change into them. Theyre much more comfy. I even take pj's to close friends family's house when visiting so I can change into for comfortability.

Kirstk · 16/04/2026 20:34

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:25

Also the house really is filthy. It reeks of cat urine. I have offered to take 2 of the cats in as 5 is obviously way too much but Mum declined as she loves her cats. The smell of cat urine and weed is genuinely very overwhelming.

This would be a concern of mine not really much else

Muffinmam · 16/04/2026 20:56

Rainbowfish1 · 15/04/2026 22:15

Just to add I have raised with DB, he doesn't care, he just rants about how the CMS "take £300.00 a month from me to pay for that fat slobs take aways"...he last saw niece at Xmas.

Your brother is disgusting.

BountifulPantry · 16/04/2026 21:10

Have you offered mum help? Real help I mean? Cleaning out the flat, taking your niece out and about?

what I mean really is does SIL see there’s an issue or does she think it’s normal?

Whenlifegiveslemons · 16/04/2026 21:24

No idea why being are being so lenient to the mother here. She cant he bothered to wash or dress her child, smokes weed around her, lets her live in filth, provides her no enrichment & wastes her money on herself. Poor child She chose to have a child so should step up & be a mother! - i'd report het anonymously. Its an awful environment for a child.