Why can’t I stop dwelling on small wedding details afterwards?

[icedlattesontap]

I got married last year and it truly was such a beautiful, special day. But I can’t seem to stop my mind from focusing on all the little things that didn’t quite match the vision I had.

For example, I really didn’t want children at the ceremony, but we ended up having close family’s kids there on the condition that if they made any noise, they’d be taken out. Of course, one of them started making sounds and it was distracting - I even turned around and gave a look like “please take them out,” which they then did, but it annoyed me.

Then there was the champagne tower. It was set up on this huge table and, in my opinion, just looked a bit odd. I’ve seen photos from other weddings since and keep thinking, “ugh, that’s what I wanted.” Although to be fair, it does look much better in the professional photos.

There were also some tables I’d specifically asked to have linen on, but they didn’t on the day. And the parasols I’d planned for were placed differently than I’d imagined. Altogether, the setup just didn’t fully match the picture I had in my head.

The night before was amazing, but it felt a bit rushed, so I didn’t get a chance to properly check the setup. I keep thinking that if I had, I might have been able to fix some of these details.

I know logically these are small, insignificant things, but I put so much time and effort into planning, and I think my perfectionist side just won’t let it go. When I look back on the day, I struggle not to focus on what wasn’t quite right - please talk some sense into me!

Except that most people don’t get married at the church anymore. Which complicates everything… a lot.

I had to order all the chairs for example and the linens and the cutlery, hire a kitchen, the registrar rejected our vows so had to do them again, organise a sound system, DJ and the person to conduct the whole day, signage, alcohol, decorating the hall with only 2 hours until the ceremony. Etc etc.

I'd have thought it made things easier. No banns, no hymns, no prep for marriage chat.

That doesn't seem to be the case for our DC and their friends.

No it means basically you have to build the ceremony/day from scratch. And the registrar still interviews you, there are legal announcements and they can reject your vows and speeches etc.

Just read the rest of your post. You don't think such things have to be ordered for a church wedding? The Minister doesn't organise the reception.

We had to book the marquee, the caterers, etc. The caterers dealt with the chairs; the marquee company the portable loos.

When DS got married the chapel and banqueting room were in the same place. So no faff with marquee and csterers but ds and dil, organised the reception for the after party.

We just don't make a meal of things.

I had a bridesmaid I didn't want.

My sister kitted her kid up as a BM and shoved her into the role over and over on the day, even though I said I wasn't having any BMs. The kid was in purple too which is my least favourite colour.

My sister has always done what my sister wants. I haven't spoken to her for 20 years now though.

Nothing is perfect on the day. Other people often don't notice though and have a good time all the same.

My best advice is every time you find yourself spending mental energy on the day use the time and energy on strengthening what matters out of it: your marriage. It doesn't mean the big stuff - making a cup of tea for you both or sharing a moment. But it's the things that add up and heal in a way ruminating over champagne fountains never will

'My champagne fountain wasn't quite perfect' is a little bit 'my diamond shoes are too tight'.

Have a google about how to stop being a perfectionist and endlessly going on over things in your head. There are tricks to stopping it.