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Original poster

Should I "let" BF join us for a drink?

96 replies

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:21

I'm not sure what's going on here or what to do for the best. It has potential to be a long story, I'll do my best to get to the point.

I have a very long established friendship with a man who I share an interest with. Decades ago we might have done something stupid (both married at the time) but we got past that and have remained friends without ever over stepping.

We see each other about twice a month, in the season, for an hour or two on our hobby. A handful of times a year we have a full day out at an event. Never meet up or even chat outside of these sessions.

This year for various reasons we haven't had a day out and the last opportunity for the season is coming up.

My newish BF is also interested in the hobby and has been to a few of the sessions. He's keen to come to more, but I've tried to consider friend and keep some of them just for us. Friend thinks BF likes to join us to check up on me. I honestly don't feel that at all, and I'm usually very conscious of potentially controlling men.

I also think my friend is possibly projecting and feeling some jealousy. I think BF genuinely enjoys the sessions and wants to make an effort to share a long standing interest of mine. I don't think it's occurred to him to be jealous of this married man.

On the day of our big day out, coincidentally, BF has a job near to where we'll be (SE, works all over the country). We usually go to the event then for drinks and dinner. BF has "offered" to join us for drinks when he finishes work.

I know my friend will think this is BF checking up on me, and maybe I'm being naive to think otherwise, but to me it does genuinely seem to be that he's excited for the opportunity to meet up in a fun social situation, to get to know my friend, who he likes, and to share our interest.

I haven't agreed and if I were to tell him I'd prefer to keep this event just me and friend, he might be disappointed, but he wouldn't be difficult about it.

I'm torn. I see friend's POV, I might not want him to bring a friend along, but also it would be nice to have BF join us, and in BF's shoes I might be disgruntled to be excluded. OTOH I probably wouldn't have invited myself!

WWYD?

OP posts:
TestTickle · 14/04/2026 08:32

I think if either of you don't feel comfortable to have your boyfriend there for a bit then that says something problematic about your friendship

How does his wife feel about it? Do you ever socialise with her?

It seems quite important that your boyfriend is made welcome tbh

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/04/2026 08:33

There's a lot of over thinking here.

I would go for the simplest: what do you want? It seems quite reasonable for you and your friend to spend the day together for your hobby, then for your boyfriend to join you for drinks as he's in the area. If that sounds nice to you, do that. Stop second-guessing what he thinks or what he thinks, do what seems nice to you.

ProudAmberTurtle · 14/04/2026 08:37

If he's just a friend then why would it be a problem if the boyfriend turned up?

Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:38

ProudAmberTurtle · 14/04/2026 08:37

If he's just a friend then why would it be a problem if the boyfriend turned up?

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

OP posts:
Classiclines · 14/04/2026 08:38

I think to use the expression " checking up on you" is strange.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for your bf to want to meet a friend who obviously plays a big part in your life. To exclude him totally from the relationship with your friend sets up the dynamic that there is something untoward in your friendship with this man even if it is a purely platonic one.

I don't understand your friends reluctance to be introduced to your bf.

Ellie1015 · 14/04/2026 08:39

You know your boyfriend. I would not be stopping him going to any of the hobby sessions/events if he has an interest (unless i wanted that time for myself) And it is perfectly fine for him to join for a drink.

I would be distancing myself from a hobby friend if they continued to call by boyfriend controlling (as long as it was sure that wasnt true).

For me part of an opposite sex friendship working well is partners being welcomed so that everyone is comfortable.

bunnypenny · 14/04/2026 08:40

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:38

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

Show quote history

But according to you, your BF “offered” to meet you for a drink after that rare day out, he didn’t “insist”.

and you’re overthinking. I see nothing wrong with your BF coming and your friend is being a shit stirrer.

ETA have a good think here about which male is your life is actually being controlling.

ProudAmberTurtle · 14/04/2026 08:40

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:38

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

Show quote history

Good question: It wouldn't be an issue now but it might have been in my 20s

thesealion · 14/04/2026 08:40

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:38

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

Show quote history

But that’s not what’s happening. You get the day out with the friend and he comes for a drink after.

HappyintheHills · 14/04/2026 08:42

Your BF is newish and your friend an established part of your life.
I think I’d want one evening with just my friend and would be interested to see the new chap’s reaction.

TestTickle · 14/04/2026 08:42

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 08:38

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

Show quote history

I'd want to meet the significant others of my friends, yes.

He's not joining for the whole day , he's popping in for a drink. If either of you are uncomfortable about that I would question whether your friendship is healthily platonic

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/04/2026 08:43

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

No, it wouldn't. But your boyfriend isn't joining you for the day. He's joining you for drinks because he's in the area. He's not even insisting.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/04/2026 08:43

The more the merrier. I love it when my favourite people meet up.

Gleanzer · 14/04/2026 08:47

You're at the centre of this. I wish you were able to just do what works for you without subjugating your view to what both the men will think and want.

I think him joining for a drink sounds more natural than avoiding it, especially if you can share lifts.

TaraRhu · 14/04/2026 08:57

Is there unfinished business between you and your friend. He is still married and whatever you ' may have done' decades ago has not been explored. It's unsaid and not activity pursued. But I can't see any other reason why your friend is jealous or why you are reluctant to take him along. It's a hobby group and he's interested in it. If you want a future with bf then you should be doing things together.

We all have people who in another life we may have ended up with. Maybe there's a sense he could be yours? Or vice verse.

Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:43

Gleanzer · 14/04/2026 08:47

You're at the centre of this. I wish you were able to just do what works for you without subjugating your view to what both the men will think and want.

I think him joining for a drink sounds more natural than avoiding it, especially if you can share lifts.

Yes, I get exactly what your'e saying and the reason I haven't is becuase I genuinely don't know the answer.

I like having BF around and it is lovely that he wants to know my friends and share my interests, but I also think it's good to have some things seperate in a relationship, and because he's so sociable and because we have so much in common, we seem to have quickly (I said new but it's been a year) got to a point where he's involved in pretty much all of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:45

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/04/2026 08:43

If you were having a rare day out with a close girlfriend and her BF "insisted" on joining you, would that be OK?

No, it wouldn't. But your boyfriend isn't joining you for the day. He's joining you for drinks because he's in the area. He's not even insisting.

That's true, but the drinks and dinner part is the bit where we "catch up", we're alongside, rather than chatting while we're busy with the activity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:46

TaraRhu · 14/04/2026 08:57

Is there unfinished business between you and your friend. He is still married and whatever you ' may have done' decades ago has not been explored. It's unsaid and not activity pursued. But I can't see any other reason why your friend is jealous or why you are reluctant to take him along. It's a hobby group and he's interested in it. If you want a future with bf then you should be doing things together.

We all have people who in another life we may have ended up with. Maybe there's a sense he could be yours? Or vice verse.

I don't think so. Not for me anyway. It was addressed and we stepped back for a while years ago. It's still why we don't message etc outside of arrangements for these events.

OP posts:
TestTickle · 14/04/2026 09:47

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:43

Yes, I get exactly what your'e saying and the reason I haven't is becuase I genuinely don't know the answer.

I like having BF around and it is lovely that he wants to know my friends and share my interests, but I also think it's good to have some things seperate in a relationship, and because he's so sociable and because we have so much in common, we seem to have quickly (I said new but it's been a year) got to a point where he's involved in pretty much all of my life.

Show quote history

Kindly then, this seems like the wrong bit of your life to suddenly ring fence.

The fact you both are reluctant to share this friendship suggests there are lingering feelings somewhere

Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:47

HappyintheHills · 14/04/2026 08:42

Your BF is newish and your friend an established part of your life.
I think I’d want one evening with just my friend and would be interested to see the new chap’s reaction.

I have asked BF not to come before because "I haven't seen friend for a while" etc and he's been absolutely fine.

OP posts:
titchy · 14/04/2026 09:48

Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:43

Yes, I get exactly what your'e saying and the reason I haven't is becuase I genuinely don't know the answer.

I like having BF around and it is lovely that he wants to know my friends and share my interests, but I also think it's good to have some things seperate in a relationship, and because he's so sociable and because we have so much in common, we seem to have quickly (I said new but it's been a year) got to a point where he's involved in pretty much all of my life.

Show quote history

Involved in all your life except this. Why? If things are as genuine and innocuous as you say, why hasn’t he met your friend yet?

Surely meeting all your girlfriend’s friends is normal?

Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:48

bunnypenny · 14/04/2026 08:40

But according to you, your BF “offered” to meet you for a drink after that rare day out, he didn’t “insist”.

and you’re overthinking. I see nothing wrong with your BF coming and your friend is being a shit stirrer.

ETA have a good think here about which male is your life is actually being controlling.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, this is an excellent point. Interesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:49

titchy · 14/04/2026 09:48

Involved in all your life except this. Why? If things are as genuine and innocuous as you say, why hasn’t he met your friend yet?

Surely meeting all your girlfriend’s friends is normal?

Show quote history

Well he is involved in this, often.

OP posts:
Dermatologically · 14/04/2026 09:52

I completely agree with bunnypenny.

Your description of a boyfriend insisting he join you and a close friend is completely at odds with what you put in your op. It makes me wonder if someone has suggested that is what is happening here? I.e. the 'friend'.

In your op you describe a perfectly normal suggestion from your bf to join you for a drink. You don't even give the impression that you are that close any more to this friend?

Original poster
Pigeonangel · 14/04/2026 09:52

TestTickle · 14/04/2026 08:32

I think if either of you don't feel comfortable to have your boyfriend there for a bit then that says something problematic about your friendship

How does his wife feel about it? Do you ever socialise with her?

It seems quite important that your boyfriend is made welcome tbh

Yes, years ago I felt it would be helpful if I knew his wife, but that never happened. I do know his (now adult) DCwho have also shared the interest over the years, but it seems DW not only doesn't want to share but is determined not to, actively dislikes the hobby. So, although I know she knows I exist and that we go to these things together, I've never met her.

OP posts: