Should I "let" BF join us for a drink?

[Pigeonangel]

I'm not sure what's going on here or what to do for the best. It has potential to be a long story, I'll do my best to get to the point.

I have a very long established friendship with a man who I share an interest with. Decades ago we might have done something stupid (both married at the time) but we got past that and have remained friends without ever over stepping.

We see each other about twice a month, in the season, for an hour or two on our hobby. A handful of times a year we have a full day out at an event. Never meet up or even chat outside of these sessions.

This year for various reasons we haven't had a day out and the last opportunity for the season is coming up.

My newish BF is also interested in the hobby and has been to a few of the sessions. He's keen to come to more, but I've tried to consider friend and keep some of them just for us. Friend thinks BF likes to join us to check up on me. I honestly don't feel that at all, and I'm usually very conscious of potentially controlling men.

I also think my friend is possibly projecting and feeling some jealousy. I think BF genuinely enjoys the sessions and wants to make an effort to share a long standing interest of mine. I don't think it's occurred to him to be jealous of this married man.

On the day of our big day out, coincidentally, BF has a job near to where we'll be (SE, works all over the country). We usually go to the event then for drinks and dinner. BF has "offered" to join us for drinks when he finishes work.

I know my friend will think this is BF checking up on me, and maybe I'm being naive to think otherwise, but to me it does genuinely seem to be that he's excited for the opportunity to meet up in a fun social situation, to get to know my friend, who he likes, and to share our interest.

I haven't agreed and if I were to tell him I'd prefer to keep this event just me and friend, he might be disappointed, but he wouldn't be difficult about it.

I'm torn. I see friend's POV, I might not want him to bring a friend along, but also it would be nice to have BF join us, and in BF's shoes I might be disgruntled to be excluded. OTOH I probably wouldn't have invited myself!

WWYD?

In your situation I would include my boyfriend in my evening plan. Your friend is throwing off some red flags imo,

A bit of both maybe.

BF has suggested meeting up, but been quite insistent about it. I think that's because he'll be at a loose end in the town we'll be in that evening, more than because he desperately wants to be there, but it's not as easy to say no as it might otherwise be.

Friend does think it's odd behaviour, and you can see why it might seem quite a coincidence that BF just happens to be in this town, 60 miles from home, the one evening in the year we will also be there.

I think your F sounds more controlling than your BF. I think he wants to keep you on the back burner.

This all sounds more "emotional affair" than platonic friendship tbh

It seems natural that your BF would join you. Why is your friend so suspicious / possessive?

If his wife was working in the town that night, and she sometimes takes part, and you had met her a few times, surely it would be natural for her to come?

I think it’s a little odd that the BF is inviting himself on a night out. If you’d invited him, fair enough, but you haven’t.

My DD’s friend can be like this sometimes with her boyfriend. DD and friend don’t get to see each other very often and sometimes friend says, ‘Steve is going to come out to the pub with us ’ or ‘Steve was coming tonight but now can’t’ when Steve wasn’t invited anyway and it completely changes the dynamic of the conversation.

Yes that, but with the added complication of a same sex friendship, which does make it different no matter how much we'd prefer it didn't.

I think you need to be a bit wary about what this friend of yours says to you. He has obviously enjoyed a bit of a moan to you about his wife and her not being happy about him doing this hobby. Not really surprising she doesn't like it when he has ended up getting 'too close' to at least one woman there is it?

Does your new BF know about the previous affair/incident with this man?

I'm not going to lie, your (and your friends) behaviour to this drinks meet is screaming red flags, especially paired with the history. It sounds as if you both want to keep this hidden from others and it does sound like lines are continuing to be blurred here. You say your BF is usually understanding and is excited to join you but are more inclined to side with your friend and reason why his labelling your BF as controlling is valid. Why?

If the roles were reversed and your BF and his female hobby friend (& past fling) were calling you controlling for offering to join their next meet up to meet them as you are in the area, then the emotional affair/unfinished business comments would be heavy, and rightly so if there was a history of you both cheating with eachother.

Decades ago we might have done something stupid (both married at the time) but we got past that and have remained friends without ever over stepping.

Might have?

He isn't insisting though? And if I got on with him, I wouldn't mind at all!

Yes, we recognised we were closer, emotionally, than we should have been, stepped right back, had a break in contact and to begin with only went back when DC were with us.

I guess we felt in another life there might have been something between us, but we were deliberate in our efforts not to let that happen.

It's long past now.

It's not hidden in any way. BF has joined us many times already.

Particularly when it has clearly gone beyond purely platonic in the past

In my experience 2 male close friends I’ve had had fancied me but things never went any further. One boyfriend of mine was jealous and possessive, introduced him to them with others at a meal and could’ve cut the air with a knife! 😬all 3 were like wild animals defending prey.

In this case I’d meet but hope your friend doesn’t still hold a torch for you and says anything. Your BF (man) sounds fine with it though so that’s nice.

My platonic male friends, after my boyfriend turned out one fancied me, made a pass at me and we dated for 3 months. He changed totally from friend to boyfriend. End of friendship. Other man one day I got sexy texts from him at night or in morning and was Wtf?!! Where did that come from? I brushed it off as we were both dating someone and I didn’t see him as a boyfriend material. We are still friendly but not as before and he’s now settled down with wife and kids and I’m happy for him. We still meet once or twice a year with mutual friends and family. He was insecure before about his looks (no idea why, he was gorgeous).

I think it's fine to let BF join and I think it's fine to say that you'd rather keep it just you and F. I'd do whatever you would genuinely prefer as neither would be unreasonable wrt the other person.

When people refer to 'my hobby' I spend more time on trying to work out what the hobby may be than on the actual dilemma.

My guess, on this occasion, is dissectology.

You would obviously rather your BF didn't join you otherwise there would be no dilemma. If this was a female friend you wouldn't be over thinking it, you would just decide what would be the best option and go for it. Personally I would ask my BF to join for a drink. You could suggests he meets you a bit later so you have some time to catch up with your friend first.

I always think LARPING

I don't think it's that I don't want him to come. It's that I feel there needs to be something seperate and I met him through my other main hobby/social group so he's fully entrenched there already.

It would be nice to have him along and lovely to have someone to travel home with (friend and I will go in opposite directions) but I'd be wary in any social situation of bringing along someone the other person didn't know, when it had been arranged as a thing with one other friend, and probably put out if someone did it to me.

If you would rather your boyfriend joined you then that makes it an easy decision. I would prioritize you and your BF over hobby guy and stop worrying about it. It isn't that big a deal.

Seems like there's more than meets the eye to all this.

Not necessarily. If I am doing some thing with one of my female friends, then I don’t want either my OH or hers to be joining us. It totally changes the dynamic.

If you were just going for a drink with friend I would say don’t involve DP. However, you will have spent all day with them won’t you?

I am usually quite interested in meeting my friends partners and giving my verdict.