Should I "let" BF join us for a drink?

[Pigeonangel]

I'm not sure what's going on here or what to do for the best. It has potential to be a long story, I'll do my best to get to the point.

I have a very long established friendship with a man who I share an interest with. Decades ago we might have done something stupid (both married at the time) but we got past that and have remained friends without ever over stepping.

We see each other about twice a month, in the season, for an hour or two on our hobby. A handful of times a year we have a full day out at an event. Never meet up or even chat outside of these sessions.

This year for various reasons we haven't had a day out and the last opportunity for the season is coming up.

My newish BF is also interested in the hobby and has been to a few of the sessions. He's keen to come to more, but I've tried to consider friend and keep some of them just for us. Friend thinks BF likes to join us to check up on me. I honestly don't feel that at all, and I'm usually very conscious of potentially controlling men.

I also think my friend is possibly projecting and feeling some jealousy. I think BF genuinely enjoys the sessions and wants to make an effort to share a long standing interest of mine. I don't think it's occurred to him to be jealous of this married man.

On the day of our big day out, coincidentally, BF has a job near to where we'll be (SE, works all over the country). We usually go to the event then for drinks and dinner. BF has "offered" to join us for drinks when he finishes work.

I know my friend will think this is BF checking up on me, and maybe I'm being naive to think otherwise, but to me it does genuinely seem to be that he's excited for the opportunity to meet up in a fun social situation, to get to know my friend, who he likes, and to share our interest.

I haven't agreed and if I were to tell him I'd prefer to keep this event just me and friend, he might be disappointed, but he wouldn't be difficult about it.

I'm torn. I see friend's POV, I might not want him to bring a friend along, but also it would be nice to have BF join us, and in BF's shoes I might be disgruntled to be excluded. OTOH I probably wouldn't have invited myself!

WWYD?

In all honesty I am getting 'if BF comes it will get in the way of having a bit of a flirt over drinks' vibes - only I'm not sure if that vibe is coming from you or your hobby friend. It sounds like gatekeeping a special time between the two of you.

Why is your “friend” being such an arsehole and about your new boyfriend? Insinuating that you boyfriend is “checking up on you” rather than taking him at his word? He’s never met the guy to judge him in this way.

I’m getting red flags from your friend, not your boyfriend

That's quite different though.
Op can't ignore that this is a male friend , and a friendship where boundaries have been crossed in the past

So you think your friend is jealous of the boyfriend and the friend thinks the boyfriend is jealous?

And you want to dissuade your boyfriend from joining you?

It could be interpreted that you think/hope the friend still wants to sleep with you.

He has met him, several times. As I've said, BF has joined us at the regular activity before.

Friend is a friend of 30 years, and now reaching (hunerous) grumpy old man stage. He says what he thinks, and he thinks BF doesn't want us spending time alone together, which is probably projection, and whilst that may have been sensible once, that really is ancient history now. There's been no frisson for years.

But you still think he’s got the hots for you?

What is ‘hunerous’? Is it a typo?

Seems odd you’ve been friends for decades yet you’ve never met his wife. Does she know about you? Is friend deliberately keeping you away?

No.

Yes if I was out for the day with my bestie and her husband joined us for dinner/ a drink after I wouldn't mind at all? Happens regularly with different friends

Yes, sorry humerous. He's funny but getting more and more grumpy.

So why do you think he’s jealous?

Yes she definitely knows about me. I've met her children very many times over the years because we've taken both sets of DC with us on these days out. She's never had any interest in the events, we never meet outside of the events and don't live near each other, so we've never had reason to meet.

The way friend put it to me years ago, was she was glad I went because it meant she didn't have to.

I could see why your friends would be concerned if your boyfriend was coming along every time you saw them, or even if he was inviting himself along to the main activity part of your day. That is tedious, when people bring their partner along to friend meet ups.

But that isn’t what your boyfriend has suggested. You’ll have all day with your friend doing your hobby, and then boyfriend will meet you for a drink afterwards. Given your boyfriend is trying to join your hobby social circle, it’s even less weird. He’s met your friend and likes them, and wants to get to know them better because you’re clearly close to them. That’s not controlling in itself.

Depends, if I had shagged the girlfriend in the past (i.e. had an affair) and we secretly probably still wanted to keep that option open then it would be a different scenario than me and my pal Katie going out for martinis wouldn't it.

Maybe but that's not what this is.

Conversely, my best girl friends would be expecting me to bring my new man into their orbit. So I don’t know what I’d do, but you do expect friends to be happy to occasionally hang out with your partner and I’d be pissed off if I felt that was a problem with your grumpy old man friend. On the other hand you also expect friend time without your partner. I think you need to spell it out to your friend that bf is in town and so will come for dinner and you’re getting annoyed with the assumption he’s checking up on you because he wants to join for dinner. You are having the whole day with your friend. That’s quite a lot when you’re a grown up. More than I see any girlfriends really!

Even in my 50s I find any friend's partner inserting themselves into 1:1 or long established but relatively infrequent friendship group meetups irritating. There is no sexual element as all my close friends are women and I'm straight - it's just irritating.

Is this something I'm not allowed to feel? It sounds as though the OP is being told that her friend is not allowed to be a bit irritated. They meet up rarely and he surely doesn't have to be pleased to be joined by someone who isn't his friend just because that person is his friend's new boyfriend.

I absolutely agree that the dynamic of jealousy, tension and control added by the fact that it's an opposite sex friendship and all the people involved are straight is a reason the boyfriend might be right in assuming the friendship is some kind of decades long flirtation or emotional affair, if so it means he's justified in being jealous, not that he needs to be part of a new triangle!

If friend's wife joined it would be less irritating than just the op's boyfriend joining.

Yes sorry I misread your "might have" as a suggestion you'd slept together, now I see it was more of an emotional affair type situation- my bad

Do you mean 'mixed sex'? Or are you all blokes?

Either way the sex mixture of the friendship is irrelevant. I'm a woman with a very close male friend I go out with alone quite a lot, and a bi female friend I'm with loads including on holiday. That's not an issue, but it would be if I had "history" with either of them to the extent we had to put rules into place to stop ourselves from cheating.

This does sound suffocating - why does he have to be part of everything you do? Does he pop in on you at work too?

But you said you see your friend every 2 weeks??

We do the activity every couple of weeks. We don't often have the catch up part. While we're doing the activity there's practically no chat.

No he doesn't of course, but he's a people person and prefers to be around people, so if e.g. he's wfh and I'm off he'll often suggest coffee etc. I do genuinely think it's that he likes to see me/people, doesn't like been on his own for long periods, rather than being controlling, but you're right it can be a bit much and needs managing.

Your bf is 💯 in the right and should be able to join you for a drink.:: I would suspect something else is going on !

Perhaps reflect on your “friendship” and if this really is as platonic as you make it seem. Your male friend who you had a “near miss” with decades ago is now criticising your new BF, he is “controlling” because he offered to stop by for a drink when he was in the area.

If you want some time alone to catch up with a friend then say so, but really look at this “friendship” and think if he has an issue with you being “taken” in his mind? If you have never met his wife all you know about her and her attitudes is what you have been told by the friend, the same man who doesn’t want your other half around.

Him labelling your bf dropping in for the drink as “controlling” sounds like he has an issue.

Your bf probably is just looking for something to fill the time with by coming along and probably could just head home fine. But you seem very naive about your other friend.