Should I "let" BF join us for a drink?

[Pigeonangel]

I'm not sure what's going on here or what to do for the best. It has potential to be a long story, I'll do my best to get to the point.

I have a very long established friendship with a man who I share an interest with. Decades ago we might have done something stupid (both married at the time) but we got past that and have remained friends without ever over stepping.

We see each other about twice a month, in the season, for an hour or two on our hobby. A handful of times a year we have a full day out at an event. Never meet up or even chat outside of these sessions.

This year for various reasons we haven't had a day out and the last opportunity for the season is coming up.

My newish BF is also interested in the hobby and has been to a few of the sessions. He's keen to come to more, but I've tried to consider friend and keep some of them just for us. Friend thinks BF likes to join us to check up on me. I honestly don't feel that at all, and I'm usually very conscious of potentially controlling men.

I also think my friend is possibly projecting and feeling some jealousy. I think BF genuinely enjoys the sessions and wants to make an effort to share a long standing interest of mine. I don't think it's occurred to him to be jealous of this married man.

On the day of our big day out, coincidentally, BF has a job near to where we'll be (SE, works all over the country). We usually go to the event then for drinks and dinner. BF has "offered" to join us for drinks when he finishes work.

I know my friend will think this is BF checking up on me, and maybe I'm being naive to think otherwise, but to me it does genuinely seem to be that he's excited for the opportunity to meet up in a fun social situation, to get to know my friend, who he likes, and to share our interest.

I haven't agreed and if I were to tell him I'd prefer to keep this event just me and friend, he might be disappointed, but he wouldn't be difficult about it.

I'm torn. I see friend's POV, I might not want him to bring a friend along, but also it would be nice to have BF join us, and in BF's shoes I might be disgruntled to be excluded. OTOH I probably wouldn't have invited myself!

WWYD?

Thanks everyone.

I was considering how I'd feel if a close female friend announced she was bringing her boyfriend to something we'd planned to be the two of us, espcially to the bit where we'd actually get to catch up properly. I wouldn't like it and I suspect if I were to post about it here I'd be told friend was OOO.

Also if I were the friend saying she thought new BF was being controlling by wanting to gatecrash our evening, I think many posters would agree.

But, on balance I think it's still best if BF joins us, even though friend might not love it. It doesn't seem like a good way to treat a decades old friendship though, and i am concerned that BF has involved himself in every aspect of my life. I genuinely don't think he's done that for control, I think he enjoys meeting people and wants to be a part of my life, but it's also causing me a little concern.

Your BF is in a strange town on his own and you are nearby. To me its strange that you didn't invite him to join you. It might be a rare chance to see a friend but your BF should be your priority (excluding children) and I would want to see him.

I really just want to know what the 'activity' is.

I reckon Fencing. They play it all season but never speak to each other (masks/swords' distance apart). Then once a year they go on an excursion to... look at... fences?

This is what I'm getting, too, to be honest.

OP I don’t get this close female friend analogy because unless you’d also had an extra-marital affair with the said close female friend there is no comparison. One or both of you are still enjoying the exclusivity of this “close friendship” and that needs sorted out before continuing with your newer one.

Excluding the boyfriend who seems equally as interested in the hobby, after the main event has happened is imo odd. He wants to be interested in you and your life and meet your close friends but you’re keeping your affair partner separate on a different class of friends. You need to consider why.

Your BF sounds nice and normal, your friend does not.

Is your hobby partner still married? If so, no problem with BF tagging along.

If your hobby partner isn't married, you need to let your boyfriend tag along at least once so he can see it is not romantic. If you and hobby partner have a lot of talk shortcuts when you chat, mind that very carefully, and translate for BF immediately so he understands what you are both speaking about and you are including him. Otherwise you are going to have a world of hurt when you and your boyfriend return home from this outing.

If you don't want your boyfriend interrupting your time with the hobby partner, you got some 'splaining to do because you are not being honest to yourself, to your boyfriend, nor to your hobby partner.

Are you trying to get rid of your boyfriend?

Depends if you'd had sex with the girl friend

For drinks after the main event yes, not to come to the meal or meet at the start though.

Yuck.

Why? I've been with my partner 11 years and he's not met ALL my friends He hears about them though

might have done something stupid but now only speak at the activity few times a year..

Why has this "friend" got so much say in whether you share your hobby with your partner?

Why do you care what your "friend" thinks?

Why wouldnt you want your "friend" to bring a friend along? (Also you wouldnt be bringing a friend youd be bringing your partner)

I honestly think this whole OP screams problematic friendship. And if youre uncomfortable with them meeting, and youre swaying towards friends comfort over BFs, do your BF a favour and end it too.

Why does having sex with someone preclude you from ever becoming platonic friends?

Maybe not, if it was a specific girls day, but Ive never might have done something stupid with my female friends.

Nor do I worry my girlfriends were jealous.

The issue isnt is it reasonable to see friends with out your BF its is it reasonable to exclude BF from an activity hes expressed a shared interest in because someone youve history with wants you to himself

You seem more concerned about your "friend" than your bf. Of course you should let him join ypur hobby and who cares what your friend thinks, as he is the ones who's acting jealous and trying to make you think your bf is the jealous one. You need to open your eyes.

Does your boyfriend genuinely need to be in that town on that far or has he engineered it?

I take it he’s not inviting himself for a drink, he will stay for the evening and have dinner with you too?

Adding a third person changes the dynamic. I love going out to dinner and catch hung up with my (male) friend. As much as I like his wife I would feel like I was gatecrashing a date if she came too!

It seems like you care a lot about the friend and his opinions. If I had a bf they wouldn't need to think twice about joining me and a friend of either sex for drinks and the friend would at best, be happy. Or at worst be friendly and not show the fact s/he'd prefer to be alone with you. He's a friend. Only.

Having a close friend of the opposite sex is always going to cause an issue with you regular boyfriend or partner, there is always that sneaking suspicion and that will come to the surface in times of stress.

It starts as " dont you trust me", then " if you can I can" and spirals out of control Dont do it if you want an easy life.

I’d consider how reversible the situation of having your new BF involved is. If you split up will he be muscled in to your hobby and then you can’t get rid of him or does it not work like that?

Wow! How toxic. Never ever had this conversation with my partner of over 15 years and we both have close relationships with people of the opposite sex, in fact I’d find it strange if someone didn’t.