Boyfriend pressuring me to change my body and appearance

[MeganBoo]

Hi all…bit of an insight to the main point. I’m underweight due to not eating properly (a problem I’ve had for years) doctor said I may have an underlying eating disorder. I’m not sure what it is but my mental health is very bad to the point I’m not working and struggle to get out the house, I guess that affects my eating by lack of motivation etc. I’m very insecure about my weight I struggle to look at myself in mirrors and feel ugly in my clothes…I would love to gain the weight I use to have back and I know the only way that’ll happen is if I eat but unfortunately it’s not that easy for me. Also just to add I’m considered vulnerable and have gotten into a lot of abusive/controlling relationships where people take advantage of me.

Anyways, last week my boyfriend said I should start working out…he said it’ll give me something to do and that it’ll make my health better (I think he suddenly wants a girl who works out). I’ve never been someone into going to the gym/working out and considering I’m underweight the last thing I want to focus on is working out, I need to gain weight. He bought it up again today, when he called me he said ‘have you been working out today’…I’m starting to feel pressure from him to workout and I feel the need to do it, possibly because I’m weak minded. It’s not something I want to do and considering I’m barely eating, to the point I get lightheaded and feel faint, I’m not sure it’ll have a good impact on my health but the comments he’s been making has made me feel the need to start doing it and I feel like I’m not fit.

Theres also other things he's said recently that have made me change myself. My hairs curly and he said how I should start straightening it, straight hair is better, everyone prefers straight hair over curly hair etc…so surprise surprise I’ve now started having it straight . Another example is I wanted to paint my bedroom pink, just to be expressive, he said how it’s childish and I need it white like a classy woman…so I’m now returning the pink paint I bought.

For the past few years I’ve been in abusive/controlling relationships, I’m not saying he’s abusive but from the little comments he makes I’m starting to feel like he doesn't love me for me and as if I’m being moulded into what he wants or almost as if I’m not good enough. Not sure what responses I’m expecting from this post, some people may suggest I leave him but for someone with poor mental health and a history of toxic relationships it’s not that easy. Just needed to let this out as I have nobody else to talk to.

He’s controlling - as PP have said, well done on recognising this. Dump this cockwomble, paint your room, focus on getting healthy and maybe hold off on a new relationship until you feel fully ready - without wanting to sound totally naff, your primary focus right now should be on you and not a partner. Good luck 😊

Own your hair as curly
Paint your room pink
Get some therapy
Get help for your eating disorder
Ditch the asshole - you will be far far better without him in the longer term
Resolve not to get involved with any more men for at least 18 months.

Well done for spotting the red flags, you're absolutely right.

I'm sorry OP but this isn't right. I suggest you leave him and just live without a man for a while until you get your eating issues sorted out. You really are doing yourself no favours by drifting from one bad relationship to another, you need space to find yourself and learn to like yourself before investing time in another person.

What a ridiculous response, he doesn’t sound concerned he sounds controlling. How on earth is he concerned by her curly hair or pink bedroom.

You need to be single OP.

I can’t believe you can’t work and can barely leave the house but you think you can have a relationship.
This is so unhealthy!

Tell him it’s not working and focus on getting better.

Once you are better then you can look back at starting to date again but you need to stay single for at least a year.

It’s the least of your worries, he’s not right for you and you deserve better, so dump him. But anyone telling me I should get rid of my curls would be told in no uncertain terms to fuck off, how dare he!

Thank you all for the support, wasn’t expecting this many replies, honestly means a lot more than you all realise. I agree with everyone who’s said I need to be single and focus on myself, unfortunately I have BPD which makes it hard for me to be single as being alone is my worst fear and I’m scared of abandonment due to childhood trauma. That’s most likely what makes me stay longer than I should in bad relationships. I’m currently seeking help and trying to get therapy as well as help for the eating disorder but the waiting lists are very long and I’m currently left to my own devices, clearly struggling at the moment. But I really appreciate you all taking the time to offer support and to give me a boost of strength, I admire you all for having the strength I don’t yet have🤍

Cut it out. He’s not trying to help he’s being a controlling prick.

Finding ways to help??
Unfortunately no he’s not, he’s trying to control her!

I agree with the going to the gym, because exercise is not just about losing weight-actually it can help with eating disorders, and help women gain muscle which gets very important as we age. A trainer said it helps you respect your body for what it should do, and so can help us treat it well, rather than thinking of it having to look a certain way. He might also like the idea of working out together, a lot of couples do.
But changing your hairstyle? Unless he's fine about you telling him how to wear his, OP, that's an issue.
The pink bedroom, well maybe he's just thinking he hates pink, so if you shared, white might be one you could agree on. But as long as you're not sharing, it's your choice!

I personally would not exercise if you have an eating disorder unless you have been checked out by a dr, because being very underweight can even damage your heart health, and we online cannot know exactly how underweight you are. So please see a doctor and concentrate on eating more calorie dense food rather than eating exercising for now.

Concerned?!?! He sounds classically ABUSIVE! Op you’ve moved from one abusive relationship to another! I suspect you didn’t go and do the freedom programme or have counselling with domestic abuse charity? Unless you do nothing will change. Don’t listen to him and you do what YOU want and if you want a pink bedroom then paint it pink!! Tell him to sling his hook

Honey, you have plenty of strength! Look at all you've been through and survived - you're still here, still battling and still trying to get well! Give yourself credit - you're a survivor and you're smart enough to know that this relationship isn't good for you. Being alone isn't the worst thing - allowing yourself to be treated badly is. Have faith in yourself, at the end of the day, we all have to rely on ourselves.

I'm sorry you've been left to your own devices while on waiting lists for treatment 😔 https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

This organisation offers help and support x

OP, you should never change your appearance or home just because a man asks. And, as mentioned, working out is potentially dangerous for you right now.
Please seek professional support with your mental health and eating problems.
Most importantly, ditch the vile boyfriend.

What happened to him being concerned and trying to help? 🙄

How is anyone telling someone with an eating disorder to exercise being helpful?

He sounds awful and doesn't sound concerned at all what's straight or curly hair got to do woth anyone's health ?

Is there anyway he you can speak to? Maybe Women’s Aid or Mind?

Abandonment issues sound tough and I have now idea how that works if you are the one ending the relationship?

I hope you’re able to get the help you need OP. I would say just remember there is a big difference between choosing to be by yourself and being abandoned. You get to make the decision to have peace by yourself. You can live by yourself and not be alone. You can have a good network of friends and see and communicate with other people regularly. You do not need a romantic relationship to be complete. Hugs

@MeganBoo these are big red flags and you've spotted them a mile off. Well done.

Your gut is right. This isn't how we treat those we really love.

Paint your room pink.
Leave your curls alone.

Recognise you do have an eating disorder and engage with help. Perhaps start with protein powder? Sometimes it is easier to drink calories.

Don't stay in your safe bubble for much longer or you will lose precious time living your life.

Make one small change a day or one big one a week.

Don't beat yourself up when you fail or regress.

And dump the boyfriend. He wants you to be someone else when you are enough.

I bet he wouldn't be so vocal if you asked him to look more like Jason Momoa!

All I can see is someone controlling you. Sorry but you need to get out this relationship. Hes co trolling your thoughts and your choices.
It’s your life and you have every right to pick how you style your hair, your bedroom and your body.
see or do what it is. Confront him and tell him you will do what you want to do.
it looks like he’s micro controlling you already. Don’t let anyone do that to you.
Paint your room pink and tell him to paint his room white.

I think you would be better spending some time on your own, and working out what you want.
Ironically working out is not a bad idea, it's a great way to gain weight because muscle weighs 3 times more than fat, it will also help your appetite.

Agreed.

FWIW I am a Postgrad educated professional 40 something and my sitting room AND my bedroom are pink.

Life's too short to not be yourself. This man has sniffed out your vulnerabilities and is seeing how far he can push you. Tell him to feck off and concentrate on therapy and self-care until you are more equipped to be able to pick better partners.

Dump him
get back in touch with your doctor to see if there are any groups you could access for your possible eating disorder , and try and get outside for at least a walk or even find a women’s walking group there may be one in your area.
you are strong and you will find a way to get through this