Mumsnet threads and sharp/mean responses

[Bourbondunker]

Unsure how this will be recieved but after lurking for so long im genuinely curious so i have a slightly provocative question.

Why are so many people on here so angry?

I keep seeing the term “vipers” used, and honestly… I can kind of see why, even when its ironic theres some sharpness to it. So many threads seem to leap straight to the harshest possible interpretation or response, even over pretty small things.

Is that actually reflective of how people feel, or is it just the pile-on effect and anonymity making everything more extreme?

And just to say before it inevitably comes up, this isn’t about expecting women to be passive, smiley, or “nice” all the time. I’m not talking about people being direct or standing their ground. It’s more that the default can feel actively rude or hostile, which feels like a different thing entirely.

Is it stress, habit, or just the culture now? are the majority of users people experiencing difficult circumstances (this is definitely a rant/support site)

Not trying to start a pile-on (ironically), just genuinely curious why the tone can feel so sharp so often. After spending time on the site i do tend to feel i, myself am sharper in my responses in real life so am lowering my online useage to counteract its effect on me.

I love your poll suggestions! I am sometimes snappy, it's a failing and I blame my hormones. At least I'm not outside yelling at kids playing noisily, if that helps?

it's the internet. I was on a social media channel about "being kind online" and teaching teens to not cyber bully... the comments on their posts were literally angry adults (parents) throwing insults at each other and commenting with spiteful things.

The Anti Cyber Bullying Cic couldn't even moderate their own Instagram page but were literally campaigning for Meta to be better at moderation. 😂

My point is that even on an Instagram page that's anti cyberbullying focussed you'll find nasty adults who are campaigning against cyber bullying but actually bullying each other.

Madness! 🫠

I don’t think that people are angry. A sharp response usually means someone is impatient, unimpressed, intolerant, argumentative perhaps, rather than angry. I don’t often see posts that I would read as genuine anger.

I think also that you’ve answered your own question. Anonymity and people being keener to get their opinions across than actually read and respond to the OP.

There may be some erosion of the support vibe with people being unaware of where threads are started. Ones in AIBU and Chat tend to be more lively whereas ones that are in specific sections should be more supportive, but often people say they’re unaware of where a thread is.

I think a lot of people are just sick of other peoples bullshit.

You haven't lurked for very long have you OP?

This is a weekly thread (sometimes more than one per week).

MN certainly isn't for everyone especially AIBU, FWR and Relationships but all in all there are some lovely supportive posts and posters.

That’s not why we were called vipers.

It wasn’t always as nasty round here, but there used to be incredible support for women in terrible situations and men came to intensely dislike MN.

I get frustrated by people who are very wet, or deliberately goady, or disingenuous, or don’t seem to have access to Google, and that will come across in my replies. And I think that’s perfectly reasonable. As pp says, my tolerance for other people’s bullshit is low here, where I don’t have to build relationships. I am never intentionally rude, though.

I don’t see it everywhere but certainly in some areas
I think the worst behaviour is in the feminism chat it’s disgusting .
People feel brave whilst hiding behind anonymity.

I've wondered if it's sometimes to do with all the threads that get pulled for dubious sounding reasons like "privacy concerns" or because OPs a troll. People are less likely to want to invest time in thoughtful responses while this keeps happening.

Just in case you don't know, you can now report an unduly snarky post and choose the option named 'Aggressive and unhelpful'.

I think MNHQ added it so people can report posters who are being deliberately and unnecessarily needling, confrontational or antagonistic towards the OP or others on the thread.

NetMums is over there, OP ➡

Probably oversharing but i came onto the site about 10 years ago, i was 15 and felt like my mum hated me so googled about why parents hate their kids and some mumsnet threads came up, ended up reading stately homes later on and whilst none of really applied to me ive been on here ever since just reading and contributing under the telly threads aha. got over my mummy issues with the help of a therapist.

I agree. It’s definitely not the majority but some people on here can be truly horrible. I’m not talking about people just disagreeing with other posters, that’s fine and to be expected. But I’ve noticed especially when someone is posting about how they are already struggling or feeling very down, there will be some responses that are just unnecessarily cruel and spiteful, as if they just enjoy kicking people when they’re down. I can only assume that these people have such empty lives themselves that they have nothing better to do than come online to try to make others miserable, which is really quite sad.

I know what you mean.

I have an equally low tolerance for those who start threads to tell everyone they've clearly done a wonderful thing, but they're apparently 'doubting themselves'.

"I saw an elderly lady trip over and cut her head. Everyone else simply stepped over her and continued on their way. I stopped, reassured her, gave her a sip of water and waited for the ambulance to arrive."

"However, I'm now doubting myself and feel as though I shouldn't have" 🙄

For goodness sake. Just start a thread in Chat if you want to speak about what happened.

Instead of shoehorning it into a disingenuous and wide-eyed "AIBU?"

I agree op and when I serve people in work who make comments because the person in front of them take a while, or who toe tap or snap I imagine they’ll probably go home and bite someone’s head off on mn!

This is actually very helpful. I wasnt aware of the addition. It was a while ago now but there was a flurry of accounts by the same person, previously banned who kept posting unhelpful and spiteful comments to just about everyone. That seems to have died down now.

Oh ok.

It's just that the start of your opening post....Unsure how this will be recieved but after lurking for so long im genuinely curious so i have a slightly provocative question.

Made me think you might be new if you hadn't spotted all the other similar threads.

Most people use AIBU for traffic though dont they? Other parts of the site dont get as many responses. Similar tact to AITA on reddit people just veering for opinions and chat

It's how MN culture has evolved over time. Such a loss actually. Though mainly bad on AIBU and Relationships. No way in hell would I go there with a problem, or even start a thread about anything.

I wasn't sure I wanted dc/would be a good mum, and it was MN back in 2006ish where I first found women talking about enjoying motherhood. That was a big factor in persuading me to go for it. Not sure you'd get similar threads now. It was really funny too.

I think some posters are trying to replicate some of the sharp wit and directness of yesteryear but miss the mark massively and just come across as breathtakingly rude and obnoxious.

Yes and that's exactly why people get fed up of posters pretending they think they may/may not be unreasonable, when it's crystal clear.

Chat isn't so quiet that they need to do this. It's as though they're assuming MNetters are a bit silly, if you see what I mean?

You're probably right buy like many other things you dont have to comment on threads that you find repetitive, maybe that is another reason peoples tone can seem off? I guess im definitely hitting the bingo card of not searching old threads before i post...oops and sorry in advance

Unfortunately the FWR board is constantly bombarded by trolls. Occasionally they get the upper hand and dealing with them can be very slow. School holidays and weekends are particularly problematical.

I agree with @SilenceInside - I don’t see many posts that are genuinely angry. There’s a lot of replies that show frustration or impatience, often because e.g. the OP is ignoring what everyone is saying, or keeps complaining but won’t help themselves. There are also some that are unnecessarily rude. But I wouldn’t call that anger.

Personally I avoid AIBU because it does get pretty nasty. It seems to be where certain people go to entertain themselves by attacking the OP and joining in with an online equivalent of a drunken fistfight in the street.

You make a fair point but if it happens constantly isnt it just more annoying engaging with it than ignoring it ?