Mumsnet threads and sharp/mean responses

[Bourbondunker]

Unsure how this will be recieved but after lurking for so long im genuinely curious so i have a slightly provocative question.

Why are so many people on here so angry?

I keep seeing the term “vipers” used, and honestly… I can kind of see why, even when its ironic theres some sharpness to it. So many threads seem to leap straight to the harshest possible interpretation or response, even over pretty small things.

Is that actually reflective of how people feel, or is it just the pile-on effect and anonymity making everything more extreme?

And just to say before it inevitably comes up, this isn’t about expecting women to be passive, smiley, or “nice” all the time. I’m not talking about people being direct or standing their ground. It’s more that the default can feel actively rude or hostile, which feels like a different thing entirely.

Is it stress, habit, or just the culture now? are the majority of users people experiencing difficult circumstances (this is definitely a rant/support site)

Not trying to start a pile-on (ironically), just genuinely curious why the tone can feel so sharp so often. After spending time on the site i do tend to feel i, myself am sharper in my responses in real life so am lowering my online useage to counteract its effect on me.

I wasn't saying for a second that I personally find them repetitive.

I was just surprised you seemed nervous of the responses you might get, considering how often this thread is posted and that the majority normally agree

Yeah, there's been a few in this Easter. Plus men like AidaP who like to come in and tell women how to behave. We do indeed tend to be quite short with them.

Maybe "anger" was the wrong emotion to pinpoint but i believe everyone whose read the post kind of understands where im going with it as youve noted too some sectins attract nastier responses than others, but why? Is it not really exhuasting. When i catch myself getting impatient i just close the website and read on my kobo instead!

If they used the right channels, though, the rest of the site would be more active and they wouldn’t have to use AIBU for traffic. Someone needs to be brave and start a trend of posting in the right place. Please.

It is the case, though, that even if the fast-moving channels are often spiky, the specialised boards are hugely supportive and stocked with women full of good sense and good knowledge, willing to share their experience. When ttc decades ago I found solace here, and recently the menopause community has been helpful. The genuine grief and desire to help when posters are bereaved is a special thing which should be cherished. So MN is not one thing like the Borg, but a collective which reflects the variety in society, and I like it a lot.

If I see one more AI response, though, I won’t be responsible for my reply.

Im only aware of this as it was in trending over the weekend i think. I hope im not coming across myself as telling anyone how to react or reply...more just curious as to why it happens and the motivations...call me a bored armchair psychologist lol

I stopped engaging with FWR threads several years ago as it was doing my blood pressure no good at all. I've got the entire topic hidden now.

I don’t find it exhausting, as I just disengage with a thread if it’s veered off into behaviour that I don’t want to engage with. If necessary I will hide threads if I find them popping up a lot and realise they’re annoying me. I find that people have a lot of tools to manage their own response to things, but seem to prefer not to use them and to complain about everyone else not behaving how they want them to.

Uh oh can you see AI responses on my thread!! I know its a conspiracy but its hard not to think of the whole dead internet theory...maybe im just responding to bots 💀

When i catch myself getting impatient i just close the website and read on my kobo instead!

And yet here you are, starting a whole thread about the nasty wimmins on Mumsnet.

I don’t think it’s true at all the specialist boards are these warm, supportive and kind places. Some maybe but if your two year old is draining the very life from your being Gardening or What We’re Reading is unlikely to be much help!

And as if by magic...

A perfect case study, thank you for your contribution <3

'never seen it, fuck off' did make me laugh!

to some extent I agree with pp's that it's an internet thing rather than a MN thing, but there are absolutely different tones on different forums. I do think MN isn't helped by the fact you can change your username - while I don't think we should all have to use our full names like on FB it does lead to an absence of responsibility when you can be a complete twat on one thread with no repercussions. Back in the 'this was all fields' days you'd recognise people's usernames and what they were 'like,' so it was a bit less anonymous.

Tbh sometimes I think there is a time and a place for, if not meanness, directness and brutal honesty. Often when I see people being twats in real life I think 'don't your family/friends tell you to sort yourself out?' Only of course we don't, as I usually don't myself, either because we don't want the faff of a falling out, or know they aren't 'really' like that and are reacting to something else going on in their lives, or we don't want to hurt their feelings etc. It is beneficial to have somewhere to go where people don't pussyfoot around and are prepared to tell you honestly, without the benefit/negative of knowing you and all the background/circumstances.

I actually find the brutal responses less twatty than the passive aggressiveness, i.e. the people who do the wide eyed 'well what happened when you said/did x?' despite it being perfectly obvious the OP didn't, or who ignore the whole post to pick up on a minor spelling/grammar mistake.

They rudely got rid of the laugh emoji which was the best one!!! Just know i smiled so thank you

I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying here. The specialist boards are warm and supportive of people posting on those boards about the subject of the board. You wouldn’t go to Gardening for advice on handling a two year old, so how is that relevant?

There are some very bitchy or passive aggressive replies. I find the second or third reply is usually someone making a rude comment and adding nothing to the discussion

Happy to help.

I do agree to some extent. Ive definitely needed a shake by friends before to tell me to get a grip! But i guess thats the difference with IRL as you can percieve tone better and you know who its coming from. Youre right about the usernames an theres definitely some posters who youd see time and time again whod make you smile (i cant remember her name but a lovely lady who sadly passed but was known to foster children with fetal addiction) her posts were always so insightful

I have recently learned that a lot of the hostile and mean posts are bots designed to engage and increase engagement. Don't know who is doing it though. Men traditionally don't like to let women speak and I guess it's threatening to them...so...

This, I have no patience with these posters, I do try to be nice ish about it but if it’s in AIBU I don’t hold back.

the other threads I get very frustrated with are the step children ones, almost always the problem has been created by the OP shacking up with a man and blending their families to no one’s best interest and usually to the detriment of every single one of the children.

The OP ignoring all the advice is so frustrating. Especially when they only reply to list more yet more grievances, or to argue with anyone who criticises their behaviour or actions.

Oh this is interesting! How are you recognising the AI style writing / bots ? I mentioned the dead internet theroy in an earlier response but it is spooky to think we are now living in it with ai engagements and fake ai recipe sites (i learnt recently that half of the recipe sites online are fake ai made chefs scraping real blogs!!)

YANBU (even though this is a chat thread 😅).
I don’t understand people’s motivation for sharp or unpleasant replies either. If you are the type of person who is ‘sick of other people’s bullshit’ or whatever why engage? Are you trying to punish the OP or are you hoping that the OP will change their ways. If I’m frustrated with an OP then I usually leave the thread or, occasionally, I might engage but in a way that I think the OP might listen. I’ll disagree with an OP but I’ll do it nicely. It’s not a hard to do.
I report people a lot. I don’t like it when people are sharp or nasty. If people want to behave like that then they can go and use an unmoderated forum.
I think that people who are sharp or nasty must be unhappy and must get a kick from being mean.

I guess thats part of my question/ nosiness/ whatever you want to frame it as. Are people who respond this why just generally unhappy outside of the browser ? I cant imagine people who are happy with their life are spending time responding in the way they do. ... the other argument is why are we here chatting about this, BUT ive created community whilst on this forum and enjoy engaging in the MAFS chat currently with friends i dont think ive ever left a sharply typed comment

I do enjoy the threads that go:

OP - "AIBU about xyz?"
Everyone - "Yes"
OP - "You're all mean and horrible and I hate you"
😂

When it comes to bots, they tend to come out in the evenings or the middle of the night and speak Americanese. I'm getting better at spotting them now. If you see something peculiar that was posted at 3.38am you do have to wonder. (Apols to our antipodean MNers, I know you're awake when we are asleep!)