I don't understand how people can give up their career and be a stay at home parent ?

[lolstevelol]

You risk losing career progression, especially as jobs change so rapidly due to technology. The role you were doing a few years ago might look completely different today. Securing a stable office job is much harder now than it used to be.

You also miss out on pension contributions, which is a significant factor. Losing 5–10 years of contributions and compounding can be the difference between retiring at 58 and having to work until or beyond the state pension age.

Generally speaking, supporting a family on a single income while working can be more stressful than being a stay-at-home parent. Even when the job itself is manageable, workplace environments can be toxic, which can create tension and resentment between the working parent and the stay-at-home parent.

Was thinking the same. The deathbed regrets about not spending more time with family are usually coming from men who have been working all hours to support their SAHM wife..
Whatever works for the family, but with all the statements about never seeing kids and why even have them - nobody wonders this about working dads. Working dad isn't even an expression, it's just dad.

Childcare cost more than I could earn so I took care of my kids until preschool. Running around after two kiddos under 5 is exhausting but ultimately rewarding for them and for me.

I gave up my career because I didn’t want to put my 8 month old baby in a nursery for ten hours a day, four days a week. Not that hard to understand is it?

@Untailoredbut presumably you also wanted to have the basics needed to live such as accommodation food heating etc.

Sure and I’m well aware I was fortunate to have the choice. Lots of people don’t.

There’s loads of reasons.
I was freelancing at the time so no specific job to go back to. I did a bit here and there after DD was born but I got pregnant just over a year later so then stopped working until the youngest was in Reception.
Yes, my career was a bit shite, but tbh I’ve never been a career-obsessed person. We were/are financially comfortable and I’ve had periods of not working/working for DH in his business.
People have different priorities, health issues, financial situations etc so it’s not a one-size fits all issue.

Because the vast majority of people don't have 'careers' they have a job, also its only on MN that people earn wages that make it worthwhile. Although my experience is in the past, the norm where I lived was NMW ( and prior to NMW very low wages) that one parent gave up work, applied for whichever top up benefit it was FIS type until kids started school or even high school ( we lived rurally so jobs hard to get anyway) There was only one montessori about 6 miles away and otherwise playgroup in the village. No childcare. Hard cash pays bills, not pride.
I understand UC makes it harder now and there is more childcare but not everyone wants their kids in care.

I did it because I think it massively benefitted my kids. It made all our lives easier. My husband paid into a pension for me. I went back to work in a completely different field when the youngest was in year 6. I don't have a career now but I have a job working in something I am more interested in.

No they don’t, maybe a few do. Most SAHM’s I knew did it because childcare was very expensive and inaccessible unless you were very wealthy, and also because they wanted to be there for their children and give them a good upbringing. I feel sorry for mums that feel like they have to work just to pay the bills. I don’t feel so sorry for those that just work because they want to progress their careers, time with Mum or Dad is more important to babies than possessions. Retirement is so many years off for young mums, seems silly to me to be worrying about say 35 years ahead, tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

And do you say the same to your partner? Or is it just women this applies to?!

The concept that working mothers don't pick their children up, aren't raising their children or don't have a close bond with them is absolute BS.

I don't judge anyone for making a decision that is best for THEM and their family. But being a SAHP involves trust and making sure that your not being screwed over financially.

Women can’t win. Whatever choice you make you are called a bad mother

@lolstevelol
Did you use to tell your friends at primary school that their favourite colour wasn’t the right one?
Do you still find shockingly simple things difficult to comprehend?

I often wonder why people are so sneery about financial security. It almost seems like it's something negative and it's so much more noble to barely scrape by? Plenty of studies show that poverty has a significant effect on children’s cognitive, behavioral, and health outcomes. But some people like to make it look like those evil working mothers dump their tiny babies for wolves to raise, so they can buy handbags.

I had a job I hated in a career I’d worked hard for. I’m not sure how long I intended not to work for but our first two children were “high needs” (which later was diagnosed as autism) and dh worked away (probably in part because we relied on his salary) and so I didn’t return to work.

in truth I really did love being a sahm. It was lonely but me and the kids had a lot of fun together. BUT I’m now 57 and neither me or dh have much of a pension and not working, professionally, for the best part of 20 years is something I’m coming to regret!

I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it the way I have. DH is a good man, he earned the money and I spent it so there were no issues with me having access to money but we simply weren’t afforded the opportunity to save for retirement

I did a masters a few years ago to upgrade my skill set and slightly pivot and am now in a role that I absolutely love. Being someone else other than an autism mum has been great for my mental health.

I gave up my excellent career at a point when DCs needed me. As a single mum it was a very hard decision to make and I agree that I have suffered significant financial loss as a result.

I was unable to return to my career as by the time the DCs were adults, the world had moved on. I have worked since obviously, but in a different, less well-paid field as I didn't have the motivation to return to my old career and start at the bottom again. If I had stayed throughout, my life would be very different now and I wouldn't be struggling financially.

If I could go back and change things, I'm not sure I would. The time I spent with my DCs was worth more than anything money could buy. The career I choose required long hours and as a single mother with no help I needed reliable childcare and maintaining that aspect I found more stressful than the job itself! After my divorce, my DCs needed much more support and so I did what was needed at the time.

https://unherd.com/newsroom/sheryl-sandbergs-girlboss-feminism-is-damaging-for-women/

I think you've fallen for the myth that only a career is the path to happiness and should be prioritised over your children at the most vulnerable time of their lives.

It’s not a case of being sneezy, it’s about the inability to comprehend that there is no best way here.
It’s all about what is best for the individual circumstances.

People are ridiculing this simple lack of understanding, and they would make the same point should the OP have asked why mums who work don’t understand how they can’t get the time back when their kids are little, type of thing .

On the basis your DC’s dad feels the same so likely does the same, who is paying the mortgage etc?

Perhaps people consider the role model aspect of a parent having a career. I know I admired my mother immensely for hers.

I work full time and have 2 DC. I’m also a parent governor of their school. My daughters are immensely proud of their mother for stepping up and it is hopefully encouraging them to lean in too. And I still get to read them bedtime stories. It’s not all or nothing, you know.

Girls are in desperate need of positive role models. Currently, only 9% of FTSE 100 companies have a female CEO.

In that very unfortunate scenario, I’d split the care 50:50 with DC’s father, calling on whatever respite care we could get our hands on.

I know someone in this scenario (DC with Rett syndrome) and I take my hat off to her because she has managed to maintain her career throughout whilst raising her other kids.

@Q2C4. I feel exactly the opposite and I think my mum was a wonderful role model. I would have been very upset if she had gone out to work when I was a child and when she started doing some voluntary work when I was older, I was teased mercilessly by some friends at school. When I was at primary school, no-one had parents who both worked, and we all benefitted enormously from having a parent at home full time when we were young. My daughter has told me many times how much she valued having me at home with her when she was younger and also always being able to take her to school and pick her up at the end of the day. Now that she’s planning to have children, she wants to stay at home until they start school - she has realised that her two degrees and career pale into insignificance compared with being able to be with the children that she has chosen to have.

Many men certainly appear to have fallen for this, for generations, without much in the way of comment.

Do you wish your mother hadn’t done volunteering work so you could have avoided the teasing?

Do you know, not a single person has told my DC's other parent that he should not have had kids when he's so career focused that he selfishly wants to keep working. Odd.