Egg donation: expectations about contact at 18 and relationships later

[Donationqueries]

If you donated eggs are you ever expecting any resulting children to contact you when they are 18? Or do you hope they won’t?

What would you do if they wanted a full relationship with you and it upset others ? Eg your own dc or the woman who had received your eggs ? Would you distance yourself to save the feelings of others or would you put the child who was from the donated eggs first?

It seems likes a very complicated situation. We are in the process and it’s made out to be quite easy and a good option to donate or receive eggs for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy but then looking much further down the line is it actually something that could get quite messy ? And upset a lot of people ?

I don't think so because things have changed so much and in 18 years it will be even more common.

I think I have worries on multiple levels.
Will I feel like my child is only on ‘loan’ I don’t want to be one of two mothers ?

Are you planning to donate or be the recipient?
I guess your feelings could materialize to be anything... but my experience has been great.

No, egg donation is totally different to adoption. It wouldn’t be my child when it grew in someone else’s body and was brought up by them. I’d see them more as a distant relative of my children.

But they’d be genetically half siblings to your children, which is very close - not distant at all?

I’m with you OP - I’d find it very disconcerting to think that I had a child or children out there somewhere and that I may or may not know them. I wouldn’t do it for this reason.

I did egg donation 14 years ago for a variety of reasons. At that time they only went to couples. I think it is reasonable a child might want to know more about their genetic make up but I am not their mother - I did not grow, give birth or raise them. However I would hate for a person in the future to disrupt our family unit but I would not push them away either. It has the potential to be messy. I donated after I had my children.

The issue I have with the trade off when trying to get pregnant is what happens if you don’t get pregnant and the other person does with your eggs?

i think my views on fertility industry in uk have changed and if i were to go back in time I don’t think I would do it

My friend was conceived via donor egg when it was anonymous and she has had lots of problems with her identity leading to depression. Her donor chose to remove her anonymity and my friend now has a good relationship with her and a strained one with the mum and dad that brought her up. It’s caused an absolute shit storm in both families. Before making contact with her donor, my friend spoke to other donor conceived people and said lots of them had similar difficulties.

Maybe you could speak to some donor conceived people to get a feel for any issues they have before deciding to go ahead or not. Personally I wouldn’t, my eggs would always be my children in my eyes, never mind the other complications that could arise. but best of luck whatever you decide.

The messy will be for any children you have via donation.

Increasing numbers of people are going abroad for egg donation to countries that have anonymity. Personally I think that's storing up a whole host of trouble. Imagine telling your future child that you intentionally deprived them of the chance to contact their genetic mother. That seems fraught withthe potebtial for great upset and resentment.

I’m not saying this will necessarily happen, but it’s something you do need to consider, any child may, at some point, want to find out about their biological mother. We’ve already seen this with children conceived via sperm donation, many of whom have sought and even demanded the right to access information about their biological father.

I would be the recipient

I just worry would one day have a situation where my child seeks their biological parent out and is not welcomed and then they are hurt or if would be the opposite and I’d feel I’d lost them partly ? What if there were siblings who were not happy and made them feel unwelcome? I just have suddenly had a lot of worries

My husband donated sperm after we had our kids. We are both relaxed about the possibility of being contacted in the future, otherwise he wouldn't have donated. At some point we will let our kids know they may have genetic half siblings.

Will it take place in the U.K.?

I have a donor conceived daughter. We obviously tell her about her conception. It was anonymous donation but with DNA sites these days who knows if she will ever make contact.
We tell her she was so wanted and so special, and I hope we can navigate the inevitable questions and concerns. It's that or childless. I made my choice.
Much better than uk donation where it's often women who can't afford ivf get money off by donating half their eggs! Absolutely disgusting policy. Should be banned.

Yes uk

Out of interest, where was your egg donor from and is the woman financially compensated?

This is what concerned me most. I feel that people may not really want to have donated but couldn’t afford ivf otherwise so when any donor conceived child contacts them will they be rejected OR what if they didn’t have success and the donor egg recipient did will there be resentment and then issues. I feel so worried that I’m not sure if I need to stop and rethink as all I see is concern after18 years

She was a UK student who donated in Cyprus and yes she was in terms of expenses, but she wasn't paid for the eggs.

Exactly. What if you get the baby and she never did. It's cruel in that way when it's all about money.
Would you go to the EU?

Now that Ancestry etc do routine DNA testing you have to assume that you will be found whether paperwork says that you will be anonymous or not. It only takes one of your cousins/children etc to do a family history test and get matched.

Yeah it's insane not to be honest. Also very unethical. How would you feel if your entire family lied to you about something so important your whole life. What a betrayal.

I donated eggs a few years ago. Altruistically, I’m childfree, there was no egg sharing deal. I’ve always said I’m more than willing to meet an adult who wants to come and find out about half their genetic material, and answer any questions, but I don’t see myself wanting a relationship beyond that as I’m not a parent and there are no siblings that I’d be able to tell them about that I could help them get to know.

This is what I feel worried about it could be the donating woman ending up hurt , or the child, or me, or siblings. It’s just been presented so much as this great positive problem solving option and I was really positive at first then little doubts have crept in. I’d have to look into EU donation as it potentially could remove some concerns but then I’m not sure what I’d say in future if I had a child and they wanted to know and I couldn’t tell them. There are dna tests now though they may be able to trace family potentially via that. I’m just having such a wobble.

Please read up on the opinions of donor conceived people. They are of course varied, but their voices shoukd be listened to.

I have a donor conceived child and wish I had listened to DC perspectives before conceiving.

Also the 18 year mark is not so relevant any more, due to DNA testing websites.

It's becoming more common for DC parents to help facilitate relationships between their child and their donor conceived siblings - would you be willing/open to that?