Egg donation: expectations about contact at 18 and relationships later

[Donationqueries]

If you donated eggs are you ever expecting any resulting children to contact you when they are 18? Or do you hope they won’t?

What would you do if they wanted a full relationship with you and it upset others ? Eg your own dc or the woman who had received your eggs ? Would you distance yourself to save the feelings of others or would you put the child who was from the donated eggs first?

It seems likes a very complicated situation. We are in the process and it’s made out to be quite easy and a good option to donate or receive eggs for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy but then looking much further down the line is it actually something that could get quite messy ? And upset a lot of people ?

I think if the family are honest from an early age about donor conceived it makes it easier. It is better than them finding out randomly as a teenager. Clinic in uk I went to encourage honest conversations but many parents reluctant to apparently. My kids know I was a donor.
Part of reason I was a donor is because I don’t agree with buying and selling eggs & sperm particularly when pressuring young women. It has inherent dangers to their future fertility

I donated eggs, 14 years ago. I just did it because I could. I had 5 children, my family was completely. They were going spare. Literally I saw it as donating an 'ingredient ' that would otherwise be going down the toilet.

I chose to donate having seen friends go through ivf and the heartache whilst i had gotten pregnant incredibly easily each time,,had easy pregnancies and easy births.

I saw it as sharing some of the 'luck' i had with fertility.

I wrote a letter for any future children and I do know that my recipient had twin boys.

I dont see them as my children, all my own children are aware they have genetic half siblings out there and I did actually have one more bonus baby myself.

If they get in touch then I will happily meet up, but am not intetested in being 'mum' to them. I didnt carry them, birth them, raise them etc but of course would be happy for them to want to know/understand their biological roots.

I wouldnt want to intrude on their mothers role at all.

Before I donated eggs I had to undergo counselling etc to check I was suitable candidate.

I can see it could definitely get complicated but my intention eas the eggs were a gift and although I acknowledge the power of genetic link and a moral responsibility to any person born I would never say I am their mother in any way. I can imagine staying in touch and having somd kind of aunt type relationship if that is what they wanted. Equally if they wanted to meet once and never contact me again that would also be fine, they dont owe me anything.

But you would be one of two mothers. You will never be the child's biological mother even if you carry and give birth to the child.

What is it about EU donations which can remove some concerns? Is it fewer rights for the child to find out about their biological mother? That’s not really acting in the best interests of the child.

That isn't actually true (firstly, what is a womb if not biology and a biological process?) - even the genetic situation is a lot more complicated than it is popularly explained, and although the new sequence is made from recombining the sperm and the egg, the array of which genes get switched on and off and when (epigenetics) is very heavily defined by the maternal gestational environment. If you took "identical twin" fertilised eggs and grew them in different women the children wouldn't be as identical, even though they share the same DNA sequence.

Do you have a source for that?

I think it’s really normal to worry that your child from a donor egg will seek out the biological mother and I think if we’re being honest almost all of us would want to know where we came from. I suppose you have to decide if that’s something you can handle. Your child will be an adult in your life far longer than they will ever be a child in your life and you need to decide if you’re happy being one of two Mums because ultimately that may be what you end up being of course it might not happen but I would assume it would and then decide if that’s something you can bear.

@BestZebbie That’s a lot of words to sidestep basic biology. A mother doesn’t have to be biologically related to a child to be a real parent in every way that matters, but it’s disingenuous to pretend the child has no biological mother and that the woman who carry’s the baby is biologically related to it.

I understand the longing for a child, I really do. But there are aspects of egg donation that I find deeply uncomfortable. Too often, it relies on the commodification of women’s bodies, where those with fewer resources are exploited so that those with greater means can fulfil their hopes.

There’s also often little consideration given to the well-being of the future child. Although, the OP is thankfully considering that.

I think it’s abhorrent, the whole idea of egg and sperm donation revolts me. I couldn’t imagine knowing my flesh and blood was out there in the world and I wasn’t taking care of them. What if the child ends up being abused or neglected, would the donor not feel some responsibility for that?

@BestZebbie none of what you say changes that 50% of the child’s DNA comes from the egg donor, with the other 50% from the (biological) father.

The donator is the biological parent, male or female

Not the 'mother' as such I agree, but they are the biological parent

I know this site is really full on in terms of these types of discussions (and those of adoption discussions) in terms of denying the biological parents, but you cant move away from that. Thats why in adulthood there is sometimes fall out

I think transparency is how you avoid the fall out but that wont work if you're trying to deny basic biology.

Of course they would be different given they grew in different wombs (environment) and were raised by different people in different environments. It doesn't make my statement untrue. A woman who gives birth to a child via donor egg will never be its biological mother. Spin it whatever way you please if it makes it feel better for you.