I can’t cancel again, can I?

[FryingPam]

I have 2 close friends I used to meet 2-3 times per month. After birth of my DS, my social life obviously took a backseat, but with him turning 1 last summer I wanted to go back to meeting them regularly. Between September- December, I cancelled close to 10 times due to DS being ill. I then told them that I’ll put socialising on hold until we’re past this dreadful first nursery winter. They understand and we only texted between December- March. After more weeks ill in January and February, DS was fine for the past 3 weeks and I thought we finally turned a corner. I arranged a meeting with them for tomorrow, we are all so excited to catch up finally, but last night DS started a temperature. I didn’t sleep for a minute, just holding him all night, poor thing was/is miserable. This night probably will be no better. If I meet my friends tomorrow evening, I won’t have slept for 72 hours at that point and will be concerned all evening about DS. (DS will be absolutely fine with his dad, he’s actually currently going through a phase where he prefers him anyway).
Do I hope for a 30-min cat nap in an Uber tomorrow and somehow push through? Both my friends are child free, they’ve been very understanding so far, but surely if I cancel again they’ll think I’m being funny?

the way I see it, you’re not cancelling because your tot is ill. You’re cancelling because you’ve not mastered the art of sleeping while he is ill.

i get it, you want to be here for him. But for your own sake, I think you need to start trusting your DH to be able to care and comfort your child. Can your DH sleep in one room with DS and you sleep in another so you’re not disturbed as much? Could you wear earplugs for a few hours?

friendships are important and precious. Your friends obviously care about you and enjoy your company otherwise they’d have lost patience a long time ago. It’s time you invested in yourself and show your friends that you value them.

Your son must have slept at some point in the last few days? You need to sleep when he is sleeping. You also need to sort this out. You can’t go on like this.

He wakes up crying every 45 minutes- 1 hour when he’s unwell, I don’t manage to get any sleep in the night like this. In the morning he was as knackered as I was and still crying, so I put him in the pram and walked outside…this helped him and he slept in the pram, but of course I couldn’t.

Gosh that sounds awful. Definitely get your DH to sub in. You can’t survive on that little sleep.

Yes to all of that!

Use ear plugs tonight and let your husband deal with him being upset.
Try and take it in turns to be on night duty when he’s unwell.
Speak to your GP for your health anxiety, you don’t need to keep yourself awake to check he’s not breathing. You said other parents seem to cope on less sleep, but I really, really don’t think they’re keeping themselves up all night just in case.

Do you co-sleep, bed share, breast feed?

Do you give the baby any Calpol?

Go and see your friends for as long as you can manage. Looking after yourself doesn't mean just sleeping, you need to maintain your friendships. Just explain to them but show up.

I think once you've had some sleep you need to have a think about this pattern and think about if you potentially seek help for anxiety. I've been here to the point I set alarms during the night to check on my daughter. At the time I didn't really think about it and didn't really think it wasn't normal - it's really, really hard to see the line sometimes when you're in it, between being a normal, responsible parent, and an exhausted, hypervigilant one. It took me years to get help - don't wait that long and don't lose your life to this anxiety.

And there's also no reason for you to have cancelled so many times in the past when you have a partner and another parent in the picture. Maybe work something else out going forward because this sounds like it's fallen on you each time.

You need to sleep when he sleeps. Nap with him in your bed. Everything else can wait, just sleep.

Share tonight & tomorrow night with your partner. The worst hours are midnight - 6am, so you take 3 hours each. You can get a solid block of sleep then by going to bed early or lying in depends on which shift you have.

I think if you want to stay friends with the then no, you can’t cancel. It sounds like they’ve been understanding so far, but cancelling 10 times in a few months is a lot.

You absolutely cannot cancel again girl sorry x

You need to sleep together when he's ill. DH used to go into the spare room and DS would come into the double. Even if you don't sleep properly you'll at least doze and get sone decent rest.

Yes, we co-sleep (either me or DS) when he’s unwell. So far he seems to be better tonight, hopefully we can all sleep a bit.

I'm incredulous tbh. 10 times? You definitely need to toughen up a bit I'm afraid, you sound like you're over dramatising a lot of these illnesses. You're in this for the long haul, definitely see someone for health anxiety over your DC I think

18 months of this. Your friends are saints.

You need to get some help for your feelings because the way you're acting is beyond normal.

Staying awake this much is ridiculous and helping LITERALLY NO ONE.

Have you given him calpol and ibuprofen? Waking that often when ill is unusual and seems more like learned behaviour than actually being ill. Ill kids are drowsy and want sleep unless they're in actual pain. If your child has been in actual pain 10 random nights since last summer then you need to see a doctor.

Aww OP, it’s tricky when they’re ill but I would really try and keep to your plans if you can.

My friend had a baby last year and has constantly cancelled on me citing baby being ill, and I’ll be honest im just about to give up on her as its just become so tedious.

Yes, I give Calpol or Ibuprofen. But he will still wake, usually because his nose is blocked and this bothers him. I find it hard to believe that less than 10 nights of being unwell are achievable at this age, each of the illnesses caused 3+ unwell nights.
I take him to the GP when he’s unwell, his diagnoses since September were 3x Tonsilitis, HFM, Three-Day-Fever, 2x viral infection (flu or Covid), Norovirus, and the rest where just normal colds.
I’ve been told that although it’s a lot, it’s to be expected during their first nursery winter and I just need to ride it out.

Anyways, I got some sleep last night. DS was feeling a bit better, just snotty but nothing major, and DH offered to do the midnight - 6am shift because I was knackered yesterday, so I got some decent sleep and looking forward to seeing my friends tonight.

Great news enjoy your time with them and don’t keep checking up with DH , you deserve some time off

If I were you I'd go tonight to meet my friends and apologise for all the cancellations, I'd explain that I cancelled because I've likely been extremely over anxious regarding my child's health and lived on little sleep, but now I'm going to let DH step up to help out more, and I'm not going to let normal childhood illnesses stop me from being with my friends as I value my friendships too much.

Then let your hair down, relax and enjoy your night out, oh and not to sound harsh, but don't talk about your child, their illnesses (which all kids get) and your sleepless nights all night, and don't just go out this once and cancel the next time. You need to maintain your friendships.

Your child has two capable joint parents. Stop taking everything on otherwise one day you’ll be back on here moaning about how useless your husband is when it comes to parenting and that everything falls on you and it will be because you never let him do anything so he gave up.

Youll also be moaning about how you have no friends and that you’re lonely and that will be because you constantly cancelled on them, made no effort and literally told them you’d see them in half a years time just incase your child got sick in that period.

You actually need more time away from DS - not less.

you need to go.

id also say you’re probably getting more sleep than you realise.

in the future, you need to schedule in time where your DH takes the baby to his parents or something for the weekend so you can get 8 hours sleep and enjoy yourself