I can’t cancel again, can I?

[FryingPam]

I have 2 close friends I used to meet 2-3 times per month. After birth of my DS, my social life obviously took a backseat, but with him turning 1 last summer I wanted to go back to meeting them regularly. Between September- December, I cancelled close to 10 times due to DS being ill. I then told them that I’ll put socialising on hold until we’re past this dreadful first nursery winter. They understand and we only texted between December- March. After more weeks ill in January and February, DS was fine for the past 3 weeks and I thought we finally turned a corner. I arranged a meeting with them for tomorrow, we are all so excited to catch up finally, but last night DS started a temperature. I didn’t sleep for a minute, just holding him all night, poor thing was/is miserable. This night probably will be no better. If I meet my friends tomorrow evening, I won’t have slept for 72 hours at that point and will be concerned all evening about DS. (DS will be absolutely fine with his dad, he’s actually currently going through a phase where he prefers him anyway).
Do I hope for a 30-min cat nap in an Uber tomorrow and somehow push through? Both my friends are child free, they’ve been very understanding so far, but surely if I cancel again they’ll think I’m being funny?

Great! Get some sunshine today and that will help boost your energy for later.

agree with others - just say ‘he’s great’ and chat about other subjects. You need a change of thoughts! Also it’s v boring hearing about ill kids as it’s normal and there’s nothing anyone can do so skip over that and have fun

10 times you’ve cancelled? Am I reading that right? I’d have got fed up ages ago and I’ve got 5 kids.

I would never make plans with you again if you cancelled again. You're martyring yourself to motherhood imo.

I wouldn’t make plans with someone who cancelled 5 times let alone 10 and I have two disabled dc. They are either very patient or have bets that you will cancel on them every time.

I'd usually tell someone to put their child first and friends will understand but the amount you have cancelled is ridiculous, especially when you have a capable husband. I think most people would think you were just making excuses by this point and would check out of the friendship.

It’s sad to read that the majority thinks that I am a shit person/friend. It wasn’t particularly easy to go through so many illnesses over the winter. Neither me nor DH have any family in this country and DH works 6-7 days per week, so there just isn’t that much support. I work too, plus I have to do most of the childcare. I’m not complaining, I knew all of this before having DS, I decided that it was worth it and it still is. But I do miss my old life. I’d love to just go out whenever I feel like it, but I’m just not a super woman like most of MN posters seem to be who effortlessly juggle childcare, work and social life all by themselves.
Thank you to the few posters who were kind and gently suggested ways to help the situation.

Have a lovely time out with your friends OP. Your son’s immune system will pick up and he’ll stop getting ill so often xx

I’m pleased you slept and he is feeling a bit better.

How is his sleep otherwise? Do you use calpol? I would be worried about child waking every 45 mins - 1 hour. Even when ill - they normally sleep more? So if sleep not great that’s something to work on so you can get more rest/freedom.

The thing is you’re acting a like a single mum who has no choice. You have a partner and an equal parent to your child. Not everything has to fall on you.

Telling your friends that you’ll see them in X amount of months just incase your child gets ill is over the top and i wouldn’t be making the effort with someone like this. There are so many other options like leaving your perfectly capable husband to look after his own child, inviting your friends round to yours for a take away and catch up instead, rearranging for a few days time not months.

It doesn’t matter if your husband works 5-6 days a week, he’s still a parent and it’s not like you’re going out multiple times a week and leaving him to it. It’s once in a blue moon.

If you don’t want to lose your friendships and you don’t want to become someone who is the default parent and feels like their husband never does anything child wise, change your ways.

You are being a pretty poor friend yes, but only because you have made yourself a martyr for your baby. This is fixable.

You have a whole other parent to share the load with, yet you take on 99.9% of every single responsibility, not to mention actively putting yourself out for illnesses or issues that haven't even (and might not ever) happen in future.

Your baby needs his father to parent him as well, to be the one that comforts him when sick, wakes up in the night, takes him to the playgroups and the doctor... Yes he works and it may be tiring, but that is one of the joys of parenthood.

Go and see your friends, have a lovely time, come back refreshed and rejuvenated - and with another date already booked in for the next meetup.

I don’t think you’re a shit person or friend but your situation is outside the norm and I do feel you should think about some support to help you rationalise ‘it’s just a bug”.

and I’m useless on no sleep but sometimes you have to just push through and I do believe that doing so helps insert some level of normality / control / proportion back into life

i hope you have a great night tonight :)

If I was your friend I would have given up on you by now.

People are saying you're a shit friend because you have been recently. Hopefully you can still repair some of it by going this time. What it must mean is that you've been a great friend in the past, or your friends wouldn't have stuck around through 10 cancellations.

Your dh needs to take a couple of days off and you need to book a night away to have a break.
Why does he work so much? Can he decrease his hours and you increase yours instead?
(A break by yourself btw, whilst your dh looks after your child at home)

Have fun today and I hope your son has a good period of decent sleep soon!

This too shall pass.

Yes, if you had read the updates you’d seen that we’ve already come to the conclusion that I’m a piece of shit who deserves no friends.

Could every one now please stop kicking me while I’m down, I woke up happy to enjoy a rare day out but after reading this thread I just want to cry

I think people lack sympathy as some of us have disabilties or disabled dc who have real chronic illnesses 24/7 and we still just have to get on with things, if we didn’t things would never get done. One of mine requires hostipal stays when he’s got a bug or he will die as it requires close monitoring. i would love it if it was just a bug or a cold to deal with, it’s very easy in comparison.
That said he will build immunity to the bugs & viruses as he gets older it won’t always be like that.

This isn’t normal OP. My 4 year old has had dozens of bugs and I’ve never done this. You’re taking years off your own life with this level of worry.

Presumably you had arranged a babysitter or your DH tk care for your child the 10 times you cancelled? I find it difficult to believe that every single time they coincided perfectly with your child being ill. That's the part that makes friends feel crap. People know kids get ill, but 10 times is beyond the norm.

I hope you have a lovely time and reconnect with your friends. Fingers crossed this is a reset for you and you can get out more now.

My SIL didn’t go out much when her son (now 7) was young and her 2 year old son similar. However, last year she went out a few times with colleagues after work for drinks and also me to dinner and she actually really wanted to do this, would say she’d love to get dressed up and go out. Her DH can handle the kids and it’s important to spend child free time with friends.

@WeepingAngelInTheTardis I’m sorry to hear that. I never compared my situation to someone else’s and I know that there are people who have it far more difficult than me. I do get on with things, I’m working, make sure that DS has all he needs and keep my household going. I appreciate that this is nothing compared to what other people have to do, but I never said it was.

@Edenmum2 See posts above, I’m just not as capable as most women (and quite shit overall)

Leave the child with his father, grab a cat nap and rediscover life outside of the home.

If the situation changes I am sure your husband has the wherewithal to call you, unless you have omitted the detail that you are travelling to Outer Mongolia to meet your very tolerant friends, you will be able to return home, if and only if needed.

Glad you got some sleep op. Enjoy your night out this evening 🥂

Us all simply agreeing with you on everything you say from the start will not be any help to you whatsoever. Your life will carry on getting smaller, harder and more lonely.

As does you now labelling yourself in such a nasty way, because all that will do is make you feel shit, and it is not what people have been challenging you on, when you posted asking for opinions.

You seem very determined to make yourself the villain and/or victim here, when actually you have several options that all make life easier, better and more enjoyable for you and your family. I urge you - with all kindness - to look beyond your self-destruct and see there is a positive outcome available.

Why does your husband work 6/7 days a week, surely that's not sustainable?