Does everybody have a special group of female friends?

[changedmyname24]

I've just been reflecting that although I have lots of friends, I don't really have a special close group of friends & I feel like I am missing out. A group who naturally turn to each other for birthdays & other celebrations & who go away together. I have never been on a 'girls' trip' away & I would love to but don't know who would go with me 😔

I have 2 sisters who I love but don't really see as we are very busy & don't live particularly close to each other. I have a great Book Club but we rarely do anything outside of that. I have recently reconnected with old school & uni friends, plus I have quite a few close friends who I meet up with individually. I did have a close group of friends when the DC were in primary but they are in secondary school now & we hardly meet or even chat via text any more 😔

I turn 50 next year & would so love to have a weekend away with a few friends to celebrate as they always look like such great fun, but I can't see it happening.

I'm in much the same position. My parents never had any friends, and I've inherited their rubbish social skills.

Yes, friends are really important to me and make my life lighter and more fun. OP you say that last time you tried with your book group you only got 4 of the group out and you say that as if that means it wasn’t worth it? I would say you need to stop thinking about it in those terms, as in a group you can never get dates that suit everyone, it is not all or nothing! Just do the event anyway with whichever members are available and then relationships grow organically from that and then sometimes someone will bring another friend along who then also becomes part of it over time. And more importantly, each time you go out it’s nice to chat to people regardless of whether everyone is present and correct! Something like book group, quiz team, band practice, social choir is excellent for this and just develops over time, there is no mystery about it or anyone who has a fully formed set of friends from day one. Good luck, stop overthinking and enjoy yourself is my advice.

I don’t. I have in the past had a very good friend that I would go away with before we both got married and started families. But now, no.

I have a few groups of friends but not what you mean. I used to be in a close knit group like this and honestly it was suffocating and I didn't enjoy it towards the end. Social media can create havoc in your mind about what being in a group is like.
Just arrange something for your birthday with friends you like.

My parents are similar and I've inherited their struggles. I used to be quite critical of them in my late teens but now I suspect that they probably did try but came up against the same sort of problems that I did.

I had a best friend at primary school who dumped me when I passed 11+ and she didn’t. I was in a group of three friends at senior school but I found out the other two were regularly meeting up without me once I got a steady boyfriend at 15. I get on with a few people but as an adult I’ve never had a close friend, only other mums whose kids did the same sport as mine. That was when the kids were 10-15, now they’re all in their 30s with their own children and the mums I knew are Facebook friends only, with possibly a Christmas card.

I’ve never known anyone I could ring up and say, Hi it’s me, nor just pop round to their house to chat, nor who knew my birthday or anything much about me. I’m quite happy alone and not needing people.

Nope

Dont want them either.

I’ve got about 3 friends who have never met each other,

Yes, I have two groups.

One group of five of us who have been friends for 45 years. We see each other regularly, go on holiday at least once a year etc.

The other group is seven of us who are part of a hobby. We meet every few weeks and go on holiday abroad every year as well as other social events linked to the hobby.

I do- much to my surprise. I am an introvert and really only had 1 close friend. She is an extrovert with alot of friends. She set up a sort of group of her friends to every month or so and we would go to a cafe or the gallery or the cinema. I knew none of those other women and we have now formed a hugely close friendship group - there are 7 of us. Despite my loner tendencies I now have a group i can lean on for any crisis (and have done so) and it's been really lovely. We have been on girl trips away but I don't go to those as that's not my sort of thing and i don't do every thing that is going on, but one of us will throw out an idea 'Fancy going to the Science Museum then lunch next week' and those of us who want to do it will go.

I feel very lucky, and as someone who has never had alot of friends it's been lovely.

My need for female company is entirely met by the combination of lunchtime with colleagues and Mumsnet.

That sounds absolutely lovely. ❤️

Yes but with various levels of teenagers, incomes and outgoings, days off 50th wasn’t the birthday to do a trip away.

Build up the local village pub meet ups @changedmyname24 - going away friendships take time that’s all

Sadly not. I feel quite sad when I see people going for fun birthdays lunches or meeting friends for coffee.

My group has a similar story. It's why I can't get onboard with the introverts Vs extroverts narrative you see on here. I'm very grateful for my extrovert friends and think it's good to have a mix.

My dad is deeply unlikeable, but doesn't seem to realise it. I suspect he's ND. My mum is naturally anxious and negative, and has led a very restricted, boring life, and it just puts people off. Franky, I don't think they had any business having children, but hey-ho!

It's different with mine. When they are face to face with people they cope fine, never struggled with interpersonal relationships at work either.

I think their problem is that they both grew up around tight knit family and moved away. They were raising us with no one around and didn't know how to build that same community or any community around us as a family. Where I think they failed a bit with me is that it didn't occur to them that I needed to be taught social skills and have them modelled. We rarely had guests at our house or visited people by the time I was a teenager and it got missed.

It's why I try to make the effort with taking my kids to community things even if I don't feel close to the people, they need to be socialised.

No. I have different friends from different stages in my life. However, I think if I got them all together they'd get on pretty well.

I'm likely audhd.
For me I grew up feeling wrong in social situations. Like i don't fit anywhere. im not enough this or im too much that. Group situations can feel like at least 3 of the 5 hate me one is just tolerating me and one might not mind me.

Lots of people have been horrendously bullied throughout school where people pretended to be our friends only to humiliate us and we carry that trauma.

If its exhausting following one person's conversation and social cues. Following 5 peoples feels impossible. I live in constant low level fear of pissing someone else off when I haven't meant to. It's like everyone is fluently speed talking in another language and I'm just learning the basics or like playing 5 songs at once and asking me to write down all 5 sets of lyrics to 5 songs. It's overwhelming. So much of socialising is all under the radar little looks little smiles little in jokes. I'm sure mostly nothing ever to do with me but I can't be 100% sure and people lie and/or are polite. So I can never be rest assured its not about me or something I've done.

Please don't think I'm constantly asking or looking for reassurance im actually a really laid back friend with buckets of empathy. It's just the world has taught me that Im different im often misinterpreted, judged or treated like a threat. so I absolutely can not be confident in my reading of the situation or my socialising skills so big groups mean I have to be hypervigilant all the time. That's not fun for me.

I’m lucky as some amazing friends around me but they are not necessarily close with each other. We all spend time together but through me if that makes sense..

OP why don’t you start a watsapp group for your 50th and say I’m thinking of going to x to celebrate my 50th and I’d love for you to join me in celebrating if you can. I have different groups of friends - old school friends, NCT friends, mum friends- and did something for my 40th and everyone mixed and got along well. Or maybe you could go away for a few days with your sisters if you’re close.

I don't really and I don't mind. I have lots of different groups from school, uni, work, via kids that I occasionally socialise with but it can go a couple of years without seeing them then be fine when I do. I like low maintenance because every other aspect of my life is so busy (work, kids, caring etc). When I hear about people who text constantly, fall out if they don't message enough when someone has a problem etc ,it sounds awful and a burden not a pleasure. I do sometimes wonder if I will miss not having that if something really serious ever happened to me or in old age if my life is quieter.

My sister has that close group thing and couldn't do without it. She recharges through social activities though whereas I need solitude. Each to their own.

Mine were quite similar in that they also moved away from family. In my father's case, his family (like everyone else!) didn't like him anyway. We also never had guests or visitors, apart from grandparents, which made for a rather insular upbringing.

I have a few groups of close friends who I see for nights out, weekends away, pub/meal nights out, e.g. I've accumulated these from:

University (30years ago)
Baby groups (20 years ago)
Local friends (Lived here for 20+ years)
Work (current colleagues)

@changedmyname24 have you met anyone along the way from the above scenarios? I know it can be harder to make friends as we get older although I'm hoping it's not too difficult as we're planning to move house at some point and I'll want some local friends there too 🤞

I had such a group at school, but now at 63 I have half a dozen very close friends who aren't a group. Though I found out recently that two of them know each other very well from a different milieu.

I’ve got a couple of ‘groups’ of friends, I don’t see them all together and often no more than once a year, but we keep in touch in other ways.

I find all female groups really boring so will actively avoid them where possible. I don’t particularly want to go away on a girls weekend or even girls night out. I will, to keep other people happy at times, but never really enjoy it.

I actually like spending time with my husband and would rather do that than not.

All the above usually attract lots of criticism on here, but that’s just how I am.