Do you feel like the people who have married into your family, are family?

[PersephoneParlormaid]

Having been on another thread it made me think, do you feel like the people who have married into your family are actually family? Even as a child I didn’t feel like the people married to my parents siblings were related to me, I called them Aunt/Uncle because I was told to.
I think that I must have felt the need for a blood connection from an early age.
I just wondered how others feel?

When I was married I felt close to my husband’s mother, aunt and cousin. The children and I would regularly spend time with them without him for years (he’d refuse to go see them because he’s bone idle lazy). They’d complain about him to me (“we only see him when he wants something”).

So I was shocked at how quickly they turned on me and vilified me when I left him. His aunt said to me “you expect too much of him, men don’t do these things”. Ie, I shouldn't expect a man to cook for his family, clean their home, care for his children, buy his family birthday/christmas presents etc. I think people who marry in can very much feel like family, but only if that couple doesn’t split up.

Yes, absolutely. Dh’s side of the family is much more my family than my own blood family (who are dysfunctional as hell and I don’t even know where any of them are, bar one 80 something year old auntie who keeps in touch by letter).

No, not at all.

I remember my Mum calling her MIL mum and thinking that I would never do that. And I haven’t.

my mum died before I met DH and his family. I have never felt particularly close to them. They’re nice enough but I will never feel the same towards MIL and FIL as I did towards my parents. BIL I feel even less close to, and his wife (SIL) less close to again.

I know it sounds harsh but I feel no responsibility towards any of them and don’t think I’ll even be particularly upset when they pass away.

I love my SIL like a sister. We don’t see or speak to each other every day but I’ve known her since she was 10 and she is very much my little sister as far as I’m concerned. Her husband however is just her husband, he’s a nice guy, clearly loves her and we get along fine but no, I don’t consider him family. To be fair, I don’t expect he would say anything different about me, I’m his SIL and that’s it.

I adore my in-laws. Truly love them like parents although I would never call them Mum and Dad. My mum died in hospital, I was there but my husband was stuck at work until someone could come in and take over. MIL rushed to the house and sat there until he got home, just incase I was back first so I wouldn’t be coming into an empty house. I will never forgot she did that for me, even though my husband did get back fist.

Aunts and uncles who ‘married in’ when I was a kid were instantly Uncle or Auntie. My uncle re-married when I was in my 20’s and his wife is just Jane (not her real name). I stopped calling my aunts and uncles Auntie and Uncle long before that though.

I think most people who believe they are "equal" members of their in laws' family are a bit naive. No matter how good relations are, were the couple to split or there to be any other kind of conflict, the probability is that families will side with their own child - even if it's them that is the "guilty party". I know it's not always the case and some people maintain close relationships with former in laws after a split, and of course some people have difficult relationships with their own family, but I think that for the majority, marriage or equivalent gets you temporary membership of a family, valid for the duration of the relationship, but "real" family is forever. Blood actually is thicker than water (or the ink on your marriage certificate!) And that's entirely understandable. But the fact that the bonds can be so easily broken show that they were never actually as strong as real family bonds in my opinion.

Are you close to your husbands siblings?

I feel exactly the same as you, zero connection to my husbands neices and nephews. I don't think my husband has any connection to them either. Neither of us are close to DHs siblings as theyre very... unpleasent people to be around and our values and parenting is just worlds apart. However I have friends with children that I love in a way I expect you would a neice or nephew. I think because I love the parents I then love their children and have a lovely relationship with them. We want to do fun days out together as a big family and see them often which is just not the case with DHs siblings and their children.