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Original poster

Do you feel like the people who have married into your family, are family?

106 replies

PersephoneParlormaid · 22/02/2026 06:42

Having been on another thread it made me think, do you feel like the people who have married into your family are actually family? Even as a child I didn’t feel like the people married to my parents siblings were related to me, I called them Aunt/Uncle because I was told to.
I think that I must have felt the need for a blood connection from an early age.
I just wondered how others feel?

OP posts:
WhoStoleAllTheUserNames · 22/02/2026 11:58

When I was a small child, and I was told which aunties and uncles had which bedrooms in my grandparents house, I remember wondering where the other aunties and uncles slept. I.e. I hadn’t distinguished between who were my mum’s siblings and who was an in-law (this also suggests I didn’t understand marriage…)

As an adult, no it’s not the same as the family I grew up with. I would have said my sisters husband was like a brother to me (they’d been together since they were teenagers and are older than me), they were married for 20 years, but since they’ve split up I’ve not seen ex BIL once and I have zero wish to.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/02/2026 11:58

There’s levels of connection, so some people are connected by intimacy- we’ve known them a long time and spent time with them. Others are connected by similarity- shared interests.

The thing is, if people’s marriage makes them family, then their family is now your family too. I will never meet my BiLs family. They are not my family because he married my husband’s sister. He is uncle to my kids, though. I’m aunt to his.

Some people don’t want familial ties to you, not because there’s anything wrong with you but because they have family issues of their own and don’t want any more! Family isn’t a positive for them.

Hibernationistheplan · 22/02/2026 11:59

I do think of them as family, but it is never quite the same as blood relatives, as you know that in the event of a divorce they could stop being part of the family overnight. In the same way that I get on really well with all of DH's family, but I know that if we were to divorce I would be unlikely to see much of them from that point on. It's a far more conditional relationship.

Thundertoast · 22/02/2026 12:01

I adore some of them that have married in, but one of my parents has a partner thats been around 20+ years and I would be quite happy if he buggered off.
I find the threads on here about people not treating people who have married in the same as blood relatives very funny - i treat people according to how they treat me and if I like them, it doesnt matter if they are blood related to be or someone one of my blood relatives is married to. The idea you owe someone a place in your life regardless of if you actually like them or not just because you are related by a particular combination of people snagging (so blood relative or someone whose married in!) is bizarre to me.

MakeYourOwnSunshine · 22/02/2026 12:02

I definitely don't class them as family, but I don't like any of them so that's probably why!

LadyCrustybread · 22/02/2026 12:05

Yes. Tbh until I was about 12 I don’t even really realise that my aunts and uncles weren’t related to me. They were all just my aunts and uncles. I also have cousins that aren’t blood relatives at all that I consider some of my closest family.

ItTook9Years · 22/02/2026 12:11

I mean, I don’t consider my husband’s siblings to be my family and I don’t have strong connections to people I am blood related to, so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

(Eg, my husband’s brother is my BIL, he’s not a brother. His wife is my SIL, but she isn’t a sister.)

GarlicBound · 22/02/2026 12:13

Yes. I have to make an effort to detach after a divorce. I still feel emotionally linked to them.

I don't have 'rejection sensitive dysphoria' and am the opposite of clingy - it's just that, after I've put someone in my family category, they stay there. I don't think this is better or worse than other people's positions.

pizzaHeart · 22/02/2026 12:15

I treat them as family as long they are family. I’m fair by the way and often speak out for my BIL if I think my mum or my sister are unfair to him. However don’t be under any illusion I will stop any relationship with him the moment he will stop to be my BIL.

If children were involved I would focus on them and might be more involved with the other person otherwise not.

BeardedBarley · 22/02/2026 12:24

No, I’d never think of people that are married to family as actual family and as children, we called aunts and uncles by their names only.

Musicaltheatremum · 22/02/2026 12:24

Nobody married into my family except my uncle and I was only one when my aunt married him so remember nothing else.
My son in law is definitely family. He's a fabulous guy. Hard working and devoted to my daughter. My son's girlfriend has been in the family since he brought her out of the kitchen on a video call during lockdown. She's stuck with him during challenging times of health and work problems.

holycrapballs · 22/02/2026 12:31

Yes mostly I do with the ones I am in regular contact with.
My favourite aunt died but I’m still close to her husband and see him as my uncle.

I don’t really feel that about my in-laws though so total double standards really. I just don’t feel connected to them in the same way.

MabelAnderson · 22/02/2026 12:34

Yes, most of the time. My uncle by marriage in particular, was a lovely, lovely man who could not have treated me more kindly.

Terser · 22/02/2026 12:46

Yes, they're family to me (luckily I like them!).

Having said that, I also have a couple of aunties and uncles who aren't related to us in any way - they're my parents' friends from way back - and I would also feel that they're family. They've known me all my life and spent nearly as much time and thought on me as my blood-relation auntie.

We have some friends now who go back 30+ years, and we've always known each others' kids and spent time with them, gone on holiday together, etc. My DD was saying to me quite recently that she sees them as family, and sees their kids as sort of bonus cousins.

So I think "family" can actually be a type of behaviour, rather than a blood relationship. Most especially if you grow up with people from a child.

DurinsBane · 22/02/2026 12:48

I would my blood uncles and aunts spouses, aunt and uncle. Still do now

Shadeflower · 22/02/2026 13:19

Interesting. Yes, I see the married relatives I grew up with as family, my aunts and uncles. My DH's family not so much, and my sister's DH yes, but it's taken 20+ years, and if push came to shove my loyalty would still be with her.

DustyMaiden · 22/02/2026 13:23

Yes most definitely, I love therm, maybe I’ve been lucky. As a child I never thought about which aunt or uncle was a blood relation.

Crunchymum · 22/02/2026 13:37

It's a grey area for me / us.

I have been with DP for 20 years so all his siblings kids consider me an aunt (they are all aged 16 or under) whereas on my side the kids would probably consider DP as "Crunchy's partner" despite him pre-dating all my siblings kids being born.

I consider my SIL (brother's long term partner of 30 years) and brother's wife as Aunt's to my children but do not consider SIL's partner (DP sister) as uncle? I do however consider BIL long term partner as Aunt. And in fact this SIL (BIL partner of 30 years +) is the person I'm closest to and favorite Aunt to all the kids.

It's all very confusing as we have massive families, lots of nieces and nephews but are all mainly unmarried (most siblings in long term - 10 year + - relationships / have mortgages and kids)

I'm very close to MIL and FIL too. Adore MIL. She makes me no longer having my own mum alive much easier to bare.

Olderbutt · 22/02/2026 13:52

I suppose the question also applies to families that we've married into. So, I would say it depends if you like them and get along well with them.
I still keep in touch with some of my first husband's family (divorced, then he died), because I genuinely like them as people and feel the same about them as blood family.

I struck lucky with my 2nd husband's family, I love his siblings, nieces and nephews as if they were blood.
I also adore my daughter in law. That's the only way I can answer as I don't have siblings.

TryingMyBestEveryDay · 22/02/2026 14:04

SILs
Brother 1, wife 1 and wife 2, yes I’m still meet up with them and they mean a lot to me. Girlfriend, I get on well with her but not family close.
Brother 2, wife 1 yes still in contact with her, I’ve known her for over 30 years, she is like family distance is the only reason we don’t meet up. Wife 2 no, nothing in common with her, I’m polite, friendly and she thinks I like her but I’m not a fan. I said to my DH that maybe she’s great in bed as I don’t know what my brother sees in her.

Beesandhoney123 · 22/02/2026 14:20

Only if they want to be. My ex dh has a massive family whom all like to know each others business, comment on it, tell each other what to do depending on who is more senior. Being part of their family meant doing as you were told, right down to which buggy, which car, hair style.

So acknowledged they were family, but my family side are the complete opposite in terms of control. So I just accept them all as family. And live fucking miles away from anyone of them, as my lot aren't interested and ex dh lot aren't above going through the bins.

NormasArse · 22/02/2026 14:23

My sister-in -law and my daughter-in-law, absolutely!

Fingalscave · 22/02/2026 15:12

My SIL (brother's wife) definitely feels like close family. Some of my cousins' partners do, particularly one cousin's wife. I know my brother and DH are really good friends too.
I don't know how my in laws view me but I never felt part of the family as they felt/feel so different from me. I get on OK with SIL but I doubt she thinks of me as a sister.

Fishingboatbobbingnight · 22/02/2026 22:26

It depends on a number of things for me. First and foremost have they actually married into the family. ? That is a significant legal commitment and puts them in a different light to someone who hasn’t made that commitment (regardless of whether they are male or female or even same sex) because until that point they are not ‘in laws’ by the very definition of the word.. it doesn’t mean that if they are unmarried, that I would not feel close to them if they make the effort to be involved with family and of course vice versa.. but to me, they just wouldn’t be family. I say this as a divorcee with a partner .. I am close to his brothers and sisters but not ‘family’ . .. yet.

LivingTheDreamish · 22/02/2026 22:32

They are incomers - in a divorce you maintain the blood relationship, outside of the required courtesy around child contact. But otherwise, unless they are awful, they are part of your “clan” and they can be a joyful addition.