To feel like life is pretty joyless

[Berriesandcucumbers1]

I'm 33 years old.
Just feel a bit like I haven't got much purpose or joy in life at the moment. I have a stressful full time job with a decent enough wage that I can keep my head above water and pay my mortgage, about £10k debt that I'm working on reducing as quickly as I can. I live alone with pets. I have a health condition that flares and will not be particularly fit and healthy by retirement. I haven't got children and it's pretty unlikely now.

I haven't got the energy to take on any hobbies or retrain. I'm very aware if I lost this job I would probably take a £10-£15k drop in wage and things would be a lot tighter, so haven't got a lot of extra money either to go out and do fun things even if I had the energy as I need to work on reducing my debt as quickly as possible
I have a partner that I've been with for 3 years, had a previous 9 year relationship. But never feel like anyone has ever wanted to build a real life together as such. Luckily in the 9 year relationship I had separate finances so it didn't cause any massive problems when he decided to leave. I see my partner almost every weekend and it's lovely but it doesn't feel like there's any development on the horizon to live together and I don't think I could have children much later as it wouldn't be great with my health condition to have them late 30s early 40s, so I've started to write that off tbh.

I feel jealous of those that can work part time, build a family, share financial and domestic responsibilities. Feel like they're part of a team. I've never really had that, even in my previous relationship all the responsibilities were on me.
I feel lucky to have a partner who is kind and helps out with things I can't do myself and I really enjoy his company. But I just feel like my life is kind of existing and I don't see it changing in the future really.

I know people have real struggles in life and I sympathise with single parents barely making ends meet while trying to raise children and not being able to get a full time job or mortgage. So I feel ungrateful for what I have, but I can't help feeling like I am just existing to try to get through and not looking forward to anything in the future

I just also wanted to add that I did stick it out in the job I hated for years until it broke me. It absolutely broke me and I had no option BUT to leave it and seek alternative employment, which resulted in a significant pay drop.

I was the higher earner. So it was a BIG change when I was out of work and although there was a "we" and not just a me it meant we HAD to make changes so I would be able to put myself back together. I would have had to have done something even if it were just me, even if that felt untenable, such as move in with parents, find a flat share, rent a room as a lodger and so on.

You have posted asking if people feel like you. I'm telling you I did but that I HAD to make some choices and changes so that I no longer did.

If that isn't what you wanted from this thread, you need to explain what you did want.

@Berriesandcucumbers1 It doesn't matter if they "live your ideal life", they shared their own suffering of those of people whom they care about, and those-people were not living their ideal lives. But they found a way to accept tbeir reality.

I have some of the things you wold like. I also know you have some of the things I desperately wish I had. But I am not you, cannot ever be you, so had to find a way out of the morass I was stuck in.

I did that through fighting most days (although with plenty of backsliding and screw ups) to get to a place where I could accept myself and my material reality for what it is. And learn to find the joys in it, however tiny at first.

I didn't expect to become disabled. I didn't expect my finances to be utterly fucked - after a promising start. I didn't expect most of it, and the things that were once my goals definitely aren't now.

So I could be miserable and continue self harm and suicide attempts, or I could say "This is where I am, so how do I make that ok?"

I haven't read everything but just a perspective from far in the future
I've got a husband things aren't great there but financially unable to make a change
Two lovely grown up children who are living independent lives , thankfully, I see them and they are kind to me but as I said they are absorbed in their jobs partners etc, which obviously is as it should be.
I have got two female friends neither married but both have their own homes. One has a partner with an arrangement that sounds similar to yours . The other has lots of deans is always on holiday with these friends.
For a long time I think they thought they wanted my life but now I look at them and envy their freedom and independence. They have good pensions so a good standard of living so sometimes things aren't always what they seem.
The health thing is a pity but hopefully new treatments etc come along !
Good luck o hope things feel better for you soon xxx

I’m nearly 40 and a few of my close friends have had babies in the last year.

At 33, I would say you have a good 5-6 years of fertile years left. End this relationship (he won’t even live with you after 3 years together when you’re in your 30’s FFS.) sorry to be blunt, but he’s just not that into you. When men fall, they fall HARD and there’s no way they’d go 3 years without wanting to live with their ‘one’

I know my post sounds horrible and I don’t mean it unkindly but you’re 33, in a 3 year relationship and not even living together, that’s really unusual I’m afraid. I wouldn’t even be considering children with this man until I’d lived with him.

You really need to have a frank conversation with him this weekend, stating that you want commitment and children and soon, in the next couple of years and if he doesn’t want that, it would be best to go your seperate ways.

If that happens, take 6 months to get your head together and then get back on the horse and try and find your Mr Right!

I think the point you missed from my response, which maybe I didn't articulate well, is that although what I live might be what you think is your ideal life, it wasn't what I thought was my ideal life. When I was striving for my ideal life I felt like you do now.

What I was saying was when you think you are missing out on "ideal" you also miss what could be making you happy instead. If you only fixate on what you don't have, you will never be happy.

I became happy with a life I would never have described as ideal because I realised that what I wanted wasn't happening and trying to force it was making me miserable. I stopped trying to force it and started looking at what I did have that was making me happy and then focused on that instead.

@Berriesandcucumbers1 Can I ask - is depression a recognised part of your condition? You keep saying your depression is purely reactive but I’m not so sure. You really need help with it and help is available. Please go and see your doctor and ask specifically about this.

But you sound sad about it anyway ate you not just burying your head in the sand a bit here? Even if you accept not having children it doesn't sound like you are fulfilled by this part time relationship and what you really want is a partner to build a life with. That won't change unless you address it with him.

No depression has nothing to do with my condition. My condition is managed as well as it can be and I have as I have said accepted my condition, get treatment and understand the progression and I am taking actions to mitigate the changes in later life to make things more comfortable for myself
I do not feel therapy or anti depressants would be helpful in a situation where my feelings are justified by the situation. It's not a case of those feelings would be there if the situation was different.

Sometimes feelings happen as a result of something happening or not happening in life and not because of being an issue caused in the mind

That's true. Your something that's not happening in your life is husband and kids. A person who has good mental health who has recognised that real world circumstances aren't making them happy would seek to change their circumstances. In your case they would speak to their boyfriend about getting serious or calling it a day.

You do not want to do that. You want to remain stuck in a bad situation that brings you no joy. Why is that? I think it's because you might have poor mental health.

To use your money analogy, I would say that stressed broke person might well be depressed if they chose not to ask for overtime/a raise/retrain in evenings/get a second job/sell stuff on vinted. A mentally well person would try to improve their life

This.

This is something within your control @Berriesandcucumbers1. You could have this conversation, find out where you stand with this relationship and then make decisions based on the information gained.

You might find that the result of this conversation is that you can start planning the life you desperately believe is what would make you happiest. You might find that you can't but that you know what you need to do moving forwards.

Uncertainty makes people incredibly anxious, even those who are usually very confident and "together". Being able to make a plan usually helps this.

I do not feel therapy or anti depressants would be helpful in a situation where my feelings are justified by the situation

OP, many of us have perfectly understandable reasons for feeling so down and despairing.

But being unable to find happiness in anything is a very common aspect of depression. It doesn't mean it's not depression in it's understandable.

No matter how low we are for justified reasons, being unable to see anything good or joyful or positive is part of being depressed.

I do not feel therapy or anti depressants would be helpful in a situation where my feelings are justified by the situation. It's not a case of those feelings would be there if the situation was different.

That’s not true. You need to seek help for your depression, and you are not in a place to decide otherwise.