To feel like life is pretty joyless

[Berriesandcucumbers1]

I'm 33 years old.
Just feel a bit like I haven't got much purpose or joy in life at the moment. I have a stressful full time job with a decent enough wage that I can keep my head above water and pay my mortgage, about £10k debt that I'm working on reducing as quickly as I can. I live alone with pets. I have a health condition that flares and will not be particularly fit and healthy by retirement. I haven't got children and it's pretty unlikely now.

I haven't got the energy to take on any hobbies or retrain. I'm very aware if I lost this job I would probably take a £10-£15k drop in wage and things would be a lot tighter, so haven't got a lot of extra money either to go out and do fun things even if I had the energy as I need to work on reducing my debt as quickly as possible
I have a partner that I've been with for 3 years, had a previous 9 year relationship. But never feel like anyone has ever wanted to build a real life together as such. Luckily in the 9 year relationship I had separate finances so it didn't cause any massive problems when he decided to leave. I see my partner almost every weekend and it's lovely but it doesn't feel like there's any development on the horizon to live together and I don't think I could have children much later as it wouldn't be great with my health condition to have them late 30s early 40s, so I've started to write that off tbh.

I feel jealous of those that can work part time, build a family, share financial and domestic responsibilities. Feel like they're part of a team. I've never really had that, even in my previous relationship all the responsibilities were on me.
I feel lucky to have a partner who is kind and helps out with things I can't do myself and I really enjoy his company. But I just feel like my life is kind of existing and I don't see it changing in the future really.

I know people have real struggles in life and I sympathise with single parents barely making ends meet while trying to raise children and not being able to get a full time job or mortgage. So I feel ungrateful for what I have, but I can't help feeling like I am just existing to try to get through and not looking forward to anything in the future

Three years is long enough for him to have decided what he wants. You need to ask him. It doesn't have to be the end but you do need to know.

I think I'm going to leave this thread where it is, think I just feel worse than I did when I wrote it

The lack of sympathy on this site sometimes is shit.

OP, you need a bit of tough love because being passive really isn't working for you.

You don't want to have the children/marriage discussion because of anxiety? How anxious do you think you'll be if you don't get any of your needs met because you were too scared to tell him that's what you wanted?

You're 33. That's a great age. Still got lots of time ahead of you for career and relationships, time running low for children when your health condition is taken into consideration. So advocate for yourself. Tell your boyfriend you'd like a proper discussion about what you both want and timescales. Have the courage in yourself and you relationship to be honest.

You do sound very down, and antidepressants may help. But a course in CBT and learning to change your mindset would, in my experience, help more. You need to shift your perspective from passive and victim and a pointless existence to seeing the positives, engaging in the present and learning to love the good parts of your life.

Most of us don't have a clue what we want or where we're going.

When I was 18, I had an idea of what I wanted from life, as in I wanted to be a crazy animal lady and not be settled with a child. 20+ years on my life looks nothing like that but I absolutely love my life. And my husband and child. Got the animals though.

My purpose comes from making life happy. For me, for DH and for DD. But it started with me. I'd be no use to DH as a partner or DD as a mum if I was miserable in myself.

So your purpose is to find your joy within yourself. And to be completely honest, I find that in the little things. There is no grand plan, there's no fireworks go off when something is "right". It's a good coffee, a nice night with DH, a frosty sunny day. I love opening a new Lego set (a hobby that can be picked up/put down whenever and takes minimal energy by the way) or a new book arriving in the post.

Also, I love my job. I was in a one that caused me to become depressed. Took a big financial bit to start again but now I'm in a role I love and that pays me what I need and gives me the flexible hours / part time hours I need.

Talk to your partner. Make the changes. Life is too short to sit around miserable wondering what the purpose is. The purpose is to have joy.

Tell him this. You have to decide soon if you can stay longer with this not progressing relationship. It will free you up to meet another...before its too late.

I think you are very considerate OP. You are not just thinking about what you want - you are considering what kind of life the child might have too.

Did you honestly think this post was helpful? To tell someone who fears never becoming a mother and ending up single that you never wanted kids but you are so amazingly happy now with your child and husband? How do you think that is going to land?

To tell someone who is trapped in an job that exhausts them but they need to pay off debt before their health deteriorates too much that you were so much happier after taking the hit of a lower paid job. How do you think that is going to land?

Some people have more options open to them than others. You clearly have had a life full of options and avenues you could go down, major ones too- whether or not to have kids, whether or not to get married, whether or not to switch to a much lower paid job. Hell, you even got your core goal of a life with animals.

Do you really feel that after parading all this privilege, after demonstrating such a complete and utter lack of connection to OPs life, you are in a position to lecture her about finding the beauty in coffee and frost?

It was an attempt to point out that what you think you want isn't always what you need to be happy.

And to reassure that not everyone knows what they want or what they're doing. And that things can work out after making changes.

I haven't put all the context behind it, because it would have been a seven page essay. But I was there, I was in this position where everything looked dark and like it would never be good. And the only way I got out of it was to make changes.

Sorry if you think I'm parading privilege. Maybe try reading it again from the perspective of someone who was desperately depressed and has come out the other side realising that what I thought I wanted and trying to make that happen was killing me slowly.

I also didn't "have options" with taking the lower paid job. I did it for my mental health and cut back drastically. We had to move.

But thanks for assuming I'm just a horrible person. Says a lot about you.

He’s not the right partner for you if after three years he doesn’t want to move forward and become a team (with or without kids)

I suspect this situation is actually making you more unhappy than you realise. You deserve a life with joy.

You did have options, you just had to make an adjustment in your control. 'we had to move'. Now imagine there wasn't a 'we' and there was just you and you had no expenses that you could drastically cut back on, so the choice was to stick it out in that job despite your mental health.
I can't drop my hours and move house, because I wouldn't manage to pay my bills. I don't have the option you did have

What choices do you think I should take exactly?
Calling someone a spoilt child for feeling down about the fact I may always live alone and never have a child.... Do you feel better now?

Two of my friends have just had children age 40 and 43, with people they’ve met since Covid. Aside from that I’d say you sound like you have a nice set up- I’m pt (28 hours), married with kids (who I live for don’t get me wrong) and have no financial independence- I couldn’t survive on my wage and miss the things I thought of as treats that are now luxurious to me.

Did you miss the multiple posts why I can not have a child in my 40s?

I am sorry if it came across as insensitive, it was not my intention. I was trying to show that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

However, if you're not in the right frame of mind to see it, then it won't matter how it's presented to you.

The realisation that your goals in life may not come to fruition is hard for anyone, regardless of what they are. The only way to cope with that is to adapt and find the joy in what you do have.

Berriesandcucumbers1
I did miss that sorry op x I know you think there’s no reason to go to a gp because it’s circumstance, but I was in a similar place (different circumstances) and thought the same but with better sleep, vitamin d and medication things are a bit easier even though the large scale things haven’t changed

Ps I’d advise you to talk to people in real life, it honestly helps to vent and get things out x

You have choices

your first choice is wether to fixate on having a partner and child or to accept that it might not happen for you and accept that doesn’t make your life any less valuable

your second choice is accepting you are depressed and could do with some medical support or refusing to engage

your third choice is to focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t . To try things until you find something that works to lift your spirits. Or refuse because you know everything.

Oh what name(s) did I call you ?

how do you know I am not down?

i have just lost a dear friend. One who never gave in. One who never complained at their life limiting condition. But took what life she could. And didn’t lose a moment of what she had ( apart from moments when a good sob and rant was needed

You called me a spoilt child, yesterday you said 'got a t shirt with life's biggest victim on it?'
Are you taking a break from telling suicidal people to just go crack on, to come beat me on this thread

Surprised you let you friend sob and rant and didn't just ask her if she's got a T-shirt with life biggest victim on it?

I haven't complained about my medical condition, I have accepted the limitations and adapted as well as I can and get the treatment I need. I can't pretend it doesn't exist but I accept the reality I live in

If I bore you so much as you stated yesterday, unfollow the thread and shut up

You're only 33, still plenty young enough to have children of you want them. Not everyone has created their ideal life by this age, many haven't. Just because it seems others have it sussed it doesn't mean they have and things change as well. You're in a good position financially and we all find the stresses of work and daily living challenging. Finding joy when you don't feel happy is difficult, I'm not one to give advice really but try to find positive vibes in the small things. Xx

@Berriesandcucumbers1 what did you want from posting this?

You've had people share their experiences that have similarities to yours and who changed things even though that was desperately difficult and painful.

You've had people suggesting things that worked for them when they felt like you did.

You've had people offer hope and positive perspectives to help you get through this.

But you are reacting aggressively because posters aren't accepting that your situation is completely hopeless, that your position is unremittingly dire and without possibility for change, or that you might need counselling and medication to help you get out of it.

Getting yourself out of despair is hard work. I know. I've done it more than once and have the physical, mental and emotional scars to prove it. Many of us have.

If you want us to say Poor You, You Have It The Worst Of Anyone, fine. You have it far worse than anyone and you should give in and wallow to your heart's content.

But we know that won't help and will be actively harmful to you. Clawing your way out of depression and suicidal ideation is frigging knackering but it is possible and so many of us here are living proof.

There is hope. It's not dismissive to say so, it's reality.

I am not reacting aggressively except to those who have literally acted aggressively to me.
People saying have children later on jn life when I haven't got that option as I have explained... Not helpful
People telling me I shouldn't have children anyway, not helpful
People calling me a spoilt child and a know it all and asking if I have a T-shirt with the world's biggest victim on it, not helpful
People who have never wanted children saying they are happy so I should be too, people who have a husband and children and work part time... All the things which would make me feel fulfilled, telling me I just need to love myself as that's what they did, not recognizing that they've basically just said they live my ideal life but I should just feel fulfilled without some key parts of life that I'm missing.

This thread has had a few sympathetic replies but on the whole has just made me feel 10x worse that when I posted. I hope people are kinder to their friends in real life than they have been in responding to this thread

Not necessarily. I met my now DH at 32 and we had the ‘baby’ discussion at about three months, moved in together at six months and were married within the year, and we are both very far from impulsive people! I just think if a relationship is right, its right from the beginning.

Kindly, your relationship is not the one for you and will not result in a happy life of any kind. I notice that ‘I love him’ was third on the list of things you said when someone suggested that maybe you didn’t.

At 33 you need to go for what you want now, and I mean NOW. Listen to the others here and make some real changes.

I’m 55 now and happy where I am with a lovely husband and family but that took effort and being clear about what I wanted.

The most important thing I’d like to say to you is that it only seems like yesterday (like, literally yesterday) that I was entering my thirties and realising what I needed to do to get here. Please don’t wait - time is very fleeting and I see clearly now that if I hadn’t taken my own future in my hands at 32 it would have been too late.