To feel like life is pretty joyless

[Berriesandcucumbers1]

I'm 33 years old.
Just feel a bit like I haven't got much purpose or joy in life at the moment. I have a stressful full time job with a decent enough wage that I can keep my head above water and pay my mortgage, about £10k debt that I'm working on reducing as quickly as I can. I live alone with pets. I have a health condition that flares and will not be particularly fit and healthy by retirement. I haven't got children and it's pretty unlikely now.

I haven't got the energy to take on any hobbies or retrain. I'm very aware if I lost this job I would probably take a £10-£15k drop in wage and things would be a lot tighter, so haven't got a lot of extra money either to go out and do fun things even if I had the energy as I need to work on reducing my debt as quickly as possible
I have a partner that I've been with for 3 years, had a previous 9 year relationship. But never feel like anyone has ever wanted to build a real life together as such. Luckily in the 9 year relationship I had separate finances so it didn't cause any massive problems when he decided to leave. I see my partner almost every weekend and it's lovely but it doesn't feel like there's any development on the horizon to live together and I don't think I could have children much later as it wouldn't be great with my health condition to have them late 30s early 40s, so I've started to write that off tbh.

I feel jealous of those that can work part time, build a family, share financial and domestic responsibilities. Feel like they're part of a team. I've never really had that, even in my previous relationship all the responsibilities were on me.
I feel lucky to have a partner who is kind and helps out with things I can't do myself and I really enjoy his company. But I just feel like my life is kind of existing and I don't see it changing in the future really.

I know people have real struggles in life and I sympathise with single parents barely making ends meet while trying to raise children and not being able to get a full time job or mortgage. So I feel ungrateful for what I have, but I can't help feeling like I am just existing to try to get through and not looking forward to anything in the future

It sounds like you possibly wanted children, but now it feels like it’s too late this is shifting your perspective towards a long life of “more of the same” (mediocre relationship, poor health and financial insecurity).

I do think it’s easy to slump in your 30s after the excitement of your 20s wears off and friends start to settle down and have kids. Kids can provide a huge sense of self-fulfilment and purpose, as well as fun. But they can also strain relationships, cause financial worries, disrupt careers, etc. Being a single mum is tough. Being trapped in a bad relationship due to kids is tough. You don’t sound physically capable of managing it all.

Maybe try some small hobbies - online gaming, or baking? Build up from there.

Sorry to hear about your health.

The debt - you are working at it and it will be over one day. Make sure you sometimes reserve a little money for fun in the meantime though. Don't make it all wait until the debt is paid off.

I would take a good hard look at your relationship. Take your time. Is it what you want for the future? Do you want something more committed? Do you want the possibility of children? Give yourself a deadline and make a firm in/out decision when you get there. If 'in' then what are the essential conditions?

Secondly, try to look for small moments of joy without eating up time on a new hobby. What gives you a small lift, day to day? Your pets? A favourite TV show? A walk in the park? Lean in to those moments.

Thirdly, do some new things - maybe one a week - take a different route to work one day, bake bread, try a free class, go and see a comedy show (you could stick to only free activities if you prefer). It sounds like your routine feels like a grind and a trap. Make tiny tweaks to it.

Why do you think it’s too late to have children? Is it your age or health issues?
What does your partner want - surely in a 3 year relationship in your 30s this has been discussed?

I don't think my 20s were particularly exciting either tbh, I was suffering quite badly with my health condition early to mid twenties, then managed to get on treatment that helped me cope pretty well. But then when I raised topic of having children I was told he wanted to wait longer, until a few years later he left.
I could in reality cope with children now if I could go part time work wise I would have enough energy to raise a child , but I am very aware that I couldn't if I wait another 10 years

It sounds like you really want children and don’t love your partner tbh.

What makes you think I don't love my partner?
I enjoy his company, I spend every weekend with him, I love him. But I don't think he's ready to live together and build a family with me. I don't think he's anti having children but I'm not wanting to force anything on him he doesn't feel ready for but I'm also aware I won't be able to wait years for children either

I think you should probably have that conversation with him. Don't just hang about waiting for him to be ready when you don't have that luxury.

With or without a health condition at 33 you don’t really have time to ignore the issue of children if this is what you want. You need to discuss it with your partner. It’s no good guessing at what he wants. You need to talk to him.

You've been with your partner for three years yet say : "But I don't think he's ready to live together and build a family with me. I don't think he's anti having children"

Isn't it time to stop thinking and start asking?

It sounds like your partner is a compromise for you, and you're trying to convince yourself it's enough for them to be kind, even if they don't want what you want in life.

For me, floating along wouldn't be enough. I want me life to have meaning. For me, that meant children, pets, a garden and a job I think is worthwhile. I think you need to think about what a meaningful life would look like for you.

Re the money: follow Dave Ramsey's baby steps and bash out the debt in twelve months.

Re the relationship: it sounds "nice" but ultimately unfulfilling. In my late 30s I pursued having a baby using donor sperm when I realised that actually I REALLY wanted to be a mum and that had to be my ultimate goal.

Not saying you have to have children to be fulfilled, but I knew it was something I needed, and time was ticking.

In your shoes, I'd take a year to bang out the debt and think about what shape you REALLY want your life to be in down the line.

Three years is long enough to know imo.

If he "isn't sure" about settling down, it means he doesn't want to.

Don't hang about if you want kids and a family that lives together. It's ok to go after what you want, and you still have time!

I think you need to take a deep breath and discuss this with your partner. Ask him how he sees the future.

How do you see the future? With him? Would you want to have a child with him? Would he make a good father? Does he want children?

If he isn't the right one, or he doesn't want that life, I think you need to be brave and end the relationship. Look for something better. You need to take the bull by the horns, you only get one chance at life. Don't waste it !

If I'm honest the discussions I had about having children in my previous relationship about having children have put me off having much discussion in this relationship because it used to make me so sad getting pushed back with 'not now' and the avoidance of any discussion of when would be a possibility. Getting strung along for a couple of years until he decided to up and leave. I don't want to feel sad again trying to have those conversations again. I have said with this partner I want children but can't leave it too long and that I don't want to have children if it's not something he wants, as I wouldn't want a reluctant partner. But he didn't really seem to want to discuss it properly at the time and I just felt down after that conversation and hoped it might be raised again at some point
If I left this relationship I would feel worse for losing him. I would like us to progress but I don't really want to invite sadness into my life as I know I'll feel worse if he doesn't want to live together, doesn't want children. I don't want to feel worse

Kindly, stop being so passive. Just because the discussion about children in one relationship didn't go well you can not apply this to the current relationship.

If you don't step up and take control of your own life, no one else will do it for you. If you feel like you can't have the conversation and/or make decisions then you might think about investing in counselling or therapy.

You are not in a bad position in life but you seem to have a negative outlook. Changing that is vital before even considering starting a family.

OP, and I mean this kindly, as you sound very down, but you sound very passive. There’s a pattern of two lengthy relationships where you raise what you want (children), are told ‘not now’, and then just hang about waiting. In this one, you’re three years in with a man who’s ’not ready’ to even live with you. Are you going to give it another six years in the hope that he might change his mind?

If you want a child, bluntly, this isn’t the relationship for you, however ‘nice’ he is at weekends.

And yes, you will at first feel ‘worse’ if you end things, but you also won’t be wasting your time in a holding pattern with a man who doesn’t want what you want! You’ll be free to pursue other relationships to see if you can find someone with the same goals.

If he doesn't want dcs, you are wasting your time OP. You will end up resenting him, and then the chances are he will leave for a younger happier model. You need to be clear in your needs.

I got fed up with a series of men pulling the same stunt on me, so I was very very clear with the last one that I intended to have a child in the next three years and if he didn't want to be along for the ride than he needed to say so up front.

Amazing how several men vanished after the six month conversation. Be blunt

Even if I left this relationship now, by the time I'd met someone else, even if I was ready for another relationship straight away (which I wouldn't be) and if I met them immediately, the reality is I'd have run out of time to build a relationship I was comfortable having children in. So it feels like risking a good relationship with a man I love but might not get everything I want, with definitely not having children and possibly not finding a relationship I'm happy with.

You’re just coming up with reasons not to act, OP. You won’t even talk to him in case it makes you feel bad, which is presumably what led to you being kept dangling for nine years in your last relationship. You’re going to have to do things that make you feel bad in order to live your life, rather than just mark time unhappily as you are now. You deserve more, but you’re going to have to act to get it, or even to try to get it.

I am not 'coming up with reasons' like I just don't fancy the conversation. I have anxiety around raising it due to past experiences. In my previous relationship I brought it up more regularly in the last few years in the relationship and was pushed back and just felt shit afterwards every time. I don't want to relive that again when I already don't feel great about life.
Time has run out as far as going and finding another relationship and having children in that relationship, that's just a fact I can't ignore

Does your dp know you the extent of your health issues? If so I wonder if he has jumped to a conclusion that you won’t want kids, or he doesn’t want kids with someone who might have more flare ups in the future.

I’m going to be blunt - there’s no way I’d commit to having kids with someone who had significant health problems. It’s different if the health issues arise later, but it wouldn’t seem fair to my unborn kids or myself or my partner to knowingly put my family under such strain. I’d rather live a happier gentler child-free life.

Perhaps you could chat to DP and ask - it is not unreasonable to ask him after a three year relationship if he sees it going anywhere

He knows about my health problems, they are manageable for now and I would be fine raising children if I had them now, but if I waited until late 30s/40s to have children it would be much more difficult to be running round with young children.it is likely by retirement that I wouldn't be super healthy and active at that point. But financially if we were joined it wouldn't be a strain for me to work part time to help me spread my energy between children and work, we could easily be mortgage free if we lived together (more of the finances on my side of things before people think I'm coming for his money or that I would be some sort of financial drain)

The discussion here about children and long term relationships is missing the mark. This isn't about gaining a purpose through motherhood or moving in together with your DP, or anything other external thing you can do. Your problem is within yourself. You need to develop your own sense of self esteem and agency. You sound absolutely worn down by life. Are you depressed? Have you seen your Dr? Have you considered therapy?

Then I think you have to be bold and talk to him about it. I don’t think a lot of guys really think too hard about having kids.

In the old days, social convention meant if a guy wanted sex, he usually ended up marrying the girl once he got her pregnant.

Now it’s so easy to have a relationship with no kids. And guys often don’t feel any biological pressure to have them.

So if you want kids you are going to have to ask.

Maybe his answer will help you crystallise whether this relationship has a future with or without kids in it.

I probably am depressed. But I feel like a lot of people would be in my situation, so I'm not sure going to the doctor or having counselling would help. I am doing what I can to try improve my situation as much as possible to try improve my financial situation, but that means keeping this job which is stressful and I'm knackered from this job and some fatigue from my condition. But I think most people have a sense of purpose which I don't really have. I'm just trying to do my best to keep my head above water and trying to make decisions to make my future less uncomfortable. But I think the things that would make my life a bit more joyful is more out of my control, I can't make someone enthusiastic about wanting to live with me or want children with me. But if I push for it, I might end up even unhappier than I already am as I would also lose the relationship I have. I just don't think I'm able to cope with losing a positive feature of my life.