To feel like life is pretty joyless

[Berriesandcucumbers1]

I'm 33 years old.
Just feel a bit like I haven't got much purpose or joy in life at the moment. I have a stressful full time job with a decent enough wage that I can keep my head above water and pay my mortgage, about £10k debt that I'm working on reducing as quickly as I can. I live alone with pets. I have a health condition that flares and will not be particularly fit and healthy by retirement. I haven't got children and it's pretty unlikely now.

I haven't got the energy to take on any hobbies or retrain. I'm very aware if I lost this job I would probably take a £10-£15k drop in wage and things would be a lot tighter, so haven't got a lot of extra money either to go out and do fun things even if I had the energy as I need to work on reducing my debt as quickly as possible
I have a partner that I've been with for 3 years, had a previous 9 year relationship. But never feel like anyone has ever wanted to build a real life together as such. Luckily in the 9 year relationship I had separate finances so it didn't cause any massive problems when he decided to leave. I see my partner almost every weekend and it's lovely but it doesn't feel like there's any development on the horizon to live together and I don't think I could have children much later as it wouldn't be great with my health condition to have them late 30s early 40s, so I've started to write that off tbh.

I feel jealous of those that can work part time, build a family, share financial and domestic responsibilities. Feel like they're part of a team. I've never really had that, even in my previous relationship all the responsibilities were on me.
I feel lucky to have a partner who is kind and helps out with things I can't do myself and I really enjoy his company. But I just feel like my life is kind of existing and I don't see it changing in the future really.

I know people have real struggles in life and I sympathise with single parents barely making ends meet while trying to raise children and not being able to get a full time job or mortgage. So I feel ungrateful for what I have, but I can't help feeling like I am just existing to try to get through and not looking forward to anything in the future

Quite a few people saying if he isn't sure by now then he doesn't want to. Honestly I don't think this is true at all. About half the guys I know had to be given a push to accept the reality of their female partners biological time frame and went on to become devoted husbands and fathers. Yes in one or two cases that push meant the end of the relationship but honestly that was better than drifting on in perpetuity with someone who is using you as a place marker.

I think it's time to lay out to your boyfriend what it is you want and tell him that "it's time to shit or get off the pot" often it's the prospect of losing the woman they love that knocks some sense into them. Men has an illusion of having more time than women to settle down but the reality is much more complex. The time is now.

Yes, life is a joyless imposition.
I'm saying this from a truly "privileged" position -
(no children by choice, no work).
My husband says, unless we change the way we feel in ourselves, nothing changes regardless.
Sorry.

I am trying to do what I can to improve the things within my control. But I don't know how I'm meant to feel better that I may ultimately end up living on my own forever, childless, working full time until I can't when my health condition eventually catches up with me when I'm older just trying to get myself to a position where I'm financially stable enough single to not be poor later in life. But with no purpose other than trying to make sure things don't end up too shit. I want more than things not being shit, but the things I want aren't within my power to give myself.

You brought it up regularly, but you didn’t act on the information that you got every time your ex knocked you back. And every time you didn’t act, it meant he was able to say ‘Not now, stop bothering me’ again, because you didn’t end things. That’s why you felt shit. If you say ‘I want to live together and have a child in the next two years’ now, and he says ‘I’m not ready’, that’s more information. Act on it.

Op, you are 33. Time has not run out.

I met my ds' dad when I was 42 and ds was born when I was 45. He's 17 now, the best thing I have ever done. You can still have your family.

I think you need some support in RL. Talk to a sister or girlfriend?

I have a health condition which will ultimately deteriorate when I'm older, I can not be an older mother having a new born in my 40s without considering the complications that will occur later down the line when that child is still needing support, so time is running out quicker than it would be if I wasn't taking into account my health condition

You don’t get anyone else’s life - just your own. You can’t get what you want. that’s true for 99% of the population.

So move on. and find the things you can do that give you joy. No good relying on anyone else.

meditation
volunteering
getting outside and seeing the natural world
or doing things now that you won’t be able to when older - horse riding, travelling. Make the most of what you have got

I imagine 99% of the population don't feel like they have no purpose, they might not get everything they want but I imagine a lot of people have some core things that they do want.
Meditation wouldn't give me a sense of purpose or joy
I have a stressful full time job, I wouldn't have the energy to go volunteer my time or I would be working a second job to make my financial position better
I don't find great joy in travelling, I go on cheap holiday once a year or every couple of years, but it doesn't particularly bother me. There's no way I could horse ride with my condition now. Things like travel and horse riding wouldn't give me any joy or sense of purpose anyway. Lots of these things cost a lot of money, which doesn't help when I'm trying to pay down debt and get myself into a better financial position for later in life

I don't think it's crazy to want a live in partner with possibility of children as the thing that would bring some fulfillment to my life. Just accumulating stuff or forcing myself to spend money on experiences that I'm not fussed about isn't going to make me any happier no matter how much I try to suck it up and move on

You sound incredibly passive.

Have you ever had treatment for depression?

You are projecting

you have core things that some people desperately want like a job and a home and you are paying off debt bit accumulating it - but you are writing all that off instantly. Lack of gratitude for what you do have

meditation - because sometimes pausing and reflecting does actually help and you have things to be grateful for

it’s your life and if the only thing that will give you joy is someone else - well that won’t work

yiu need to love yourself and find a fulfilment in life yourself before anyone can love you enough.

Projecting what exactly?
I have shelter and food and have already said I understand there people who struggle more than me out there that I sympathise with
But wanting a partner and family is not a case of having a paddy for not getting everything I want. Would I like a newer car, yes, but I make do with the one I have and am grateful it's still getting me to work and back with no issues. But I'm never going to find joy in a life where I'm likely to be living alone forever.
I'm am working on improving everything that is in my control.

In all honesty, if you don't have the energy now for hobbies or retraining, I really don't think you will have the energy for children. They really are all consuming, especially in the earlier years. I don't think being part-time would be the solution. It just sounds like you would not have the energy to cope.

I don't think your sense of lack of purpose is unusual tbh. Its really common for people to feel like this. I am not sure what the solution is for you, but I hope you can find something in your life that does give you meaning.

Paying off your debt and then being able to rethink how you want to use your time if you get a less demanding job may give you a focus to work towards.

I would have the energy to raise a child if I dropped hours at work. I'm aware they are hard work especially physically during the first few years hence why I'm not so naive to think I can wait it out another 10 years.

Once I've paid of my debt, I need to start saving for the future if I'm going to live on my own forever I need a decent safety net and retirement plan. It is more expensive as a single person, so I won't be able to drop my hours and save if I'm living on my own.

I'm focussing on the things I need to do to prevent struggle further down the line. Retraining isn't something I can do in an hour a week after work, I don't have the energy to be doing something like an open university degree to improve my career later which would be a lot more investment time wise that I don't want to stack on top of a full time stressful job

I imagine 99% of the population don't feel like they have no purpose

OP, this is simply not true. What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Are core questions that humans ask themselves. Its really, really common for people to feel they have not discovered their purpose, especially when their basic needs like housing and employment have been met. Mid life crises are all about people realising time is running out and they have not yet done anything purposeful with their life and doubting if they ever will.

I realise things are harder for you due to your deteriorating medical condition and wanting a life partner and family.

There is a yoga saying of finding your 'freedom within limitations'. I quite like this. You do have significant limitations but I guess your purpose is to find what does give your life meaning within those limitations.

Sometimes we cannot change our circumstances so all we can change is ourselves.

I also have significant limitations and I am slowly starting to realise the only thing I can change is how I am reacting to those.

If you can’t find joy living alone you won’t find it with anyone either.

that’s your misunderstanding of life. You have externalised your joy , but it can only come from inside you , internal

how do you think this “joy” would materialise if you had a partner ? Someone by your side to watch the TV? Would that really bring you joy?

a PP has suggested depression - they may be right, especially when you have a chronic condition it is hard and depression more likely. join the society for your condition - you may be able to meet with people who ca understand. And that connection with others - supporting and helping- can bring joy. And practical help

life has no purpose. There is no guarantee of any joy in any life. Other than what we bring in ourselves

Yes someone to sit with me and watch tv would bring me joy. A partner to share time, the responsibilities and experiences of life would bring me joy.
A child to raise would bring me fulfillment.

If someone posted on here that they felt sad at their last failed attempt of IVF, I hope no one would be telling them, but what joy would a child bring you anyway? Go find joy in yourself, that baby would've never made you happy

I wonder OP if you're so risk averse that you're headed for a breakdown?

Someone by your side to watch the TV? Would that really bring you joy?

Um, yes it does. Times in my life when I have had people I love to watch tv with do bring me immense joy. It comes from that deep relaxed sense of connection and community. Some of my happiest memories throughout each stage of my life are from being on a sofa, watching tv with someone I love.

I do wish people on here would stop pretending that sharing your life with someone you love and who loves you is not a source of joy and contentment and deep satisfaction. Of course it bloody is for most people. Its literally hardwired into our evolution. Sure some people are happy without that, others are so damaged by bad relationships it ruins their ability to seek to form another, but most humans deeply crave that close family community.

Its really quite pernicious to make people feel they have some inadequacy for wanting a close relationship, when all humans crave close relationships.

Its not that you need to love yourself first in order to feel loved. It works the other way around. Humans feel lovable through being loved. Ask any child development expert.

Thank you.

I have read your other posts since this one: some people are saying you are passive, I wondered if you're depressed. People are giving you suggestions, yet you bat each and every one away. You won't take any advice. You say you want a live in partner and children, but you refuse to take a leap to see if your current partner will get more serious. You are stuck. You are actively choosing to stay stuck. It's self sabotage. I wonder if you would actually feel happy with a live in partner and children. People get meaning from all sorts of things. Single childless people with health conditions live lives that they enjoy, find worthwhile and fulfilling. The enjoyment is not "out there" in what they have, or in their tick boxes of life-time achievements. It's from inside, from finding value in who they are and what they do.

That's why I think you should see if you would benifit from mental health care. Yes, anyone in your situation might well be depressed. So does that mean that people with physical health conditions shouldn't access mental health care? Is that only reserved for people who don't rattle like pill boxes? I think you need to alter the way you think about your life, before you alter your life

At no point did I say people with physical problems shouldn't seek mental health care if needed, but I also never said I was depressed about my condition, so I don't need to go meet others with my condition or seek therapy about it. I live with the treatment and the realities. That is an incorrect assumption you've made

Some of the advice on the thread have been suck it up, no one gets everything they want, I'm just ungrateful for what I have.... As if I have complained I haven't been able to buy the latest iPhone. That I wouldn't cope with children anyway... Whilst knowing nothing about my condition. That I can just have a baby in my 40s .... Despite saying why I couldn't have children older. That I should just learn to love myself... Problem solved, what joy would I get from sitting watching TV with another human being anyway. If I go travelling and meditate, go outside then I'll feel fulfilled on my own

I understand my life isn't as bad as some other people's, but that doesn't mean I feel purpose to my life or feel fulfilled and it's not something that I can easily change. I can't just go have a child via a sperm donor like another suggestion, because I don't want to be a single parent who would struggle to raise a child alone on one income. But I guess I should just take that advice, or maybe I should take the advice of the person who things I wouldn't cope with children anyway....

At no point did I say people with physical problems shouldn't seek mental health care if needed, but I also never said I was depressed about my condition, so I don't need to go meet others with my condition or seek therapy about it. I live with the treatment and the realities. That is an incorrect assumption you've made

I didn't say you were depressed about your physical condition. I wondered if you were depressed. That's a separate thing to your physical health. It doesn't have to be because of your physical health. I'm not suggesting you seek support for your physical condition in any way. Your mental health might well have nothing to do with your physical health. You do seem very resistant to thinking about this. Why? You're very focused on practical realities, practical changes that need to occur to bring you meaning, joy, fulfilment etc. But these things are all feelings - emotions. They come from inside. From your mind. So look at that. Can you see how you're keeping yourself stuck.

Because I don't need a therapist to tell me I feel like my life has no purpose because I haven't got the things in my life which would bring fulfillment. If I didn't know why I felt unfulfilled in life then maybe a therapist would be helpful to work those feelings through, but that's not the case
I don't think it would be of any benefit to me. Therapy doesn't fix everything. In the same way if someone was chronically stressed with not having enough money to pay the bills, recommending they need to see a therapist because they sound depressed won't help if the reason they are depressed is that they haven't got enough money. Sometimes feelings happen as a result of something happening or not happening in life and not because of being an issue caused in the mind

Well get off the thread then. And maybe think about your own behaviour. You've jumped on a thread where someone is feeling down, to beat them with a stick? What is wrong with you?