Would it be bad if I don't see my mum.

[LostTooManyScrews]

My mum has dementia and is very frail. The care home has said she may not have much time left. But they cant put a time on it.

I haven't had a relationship with her for many years. She basically didn't want to know me . I tired for a long time to have a relationship with her. But she didn't want to know. I then realised I couldn't make her be my mum so I stopped trying . Theres been no contact in over 18/ 19 years apart from when I saw her in london by accident ahd that was 2 sentences. I didn't really feel anything it was like seeing somone you know off.

Then about 18 months ago my sister contacted me said about my mum having dementia and said I should go and see her. It may be the last time you can. And I felt pressured. So I did when I saw her I did feel sad for her. She didn't have a tv for her room so I bought one for her. Because it didn't feel right that she was just in a room with nothing.

So now she is much more frail shes basically skin and bone. My mum has never been on the slim side so it is a shock.

There is now pressure for me to see her again. What I find hard is I haven't had a relationship with her for many years . I feel like my sibling doesn't understand that I have had to hear/watch them have a mum daughter relationship. Holidays together days out relationship with the grand children. Christmas, phones calls general chats. Whilst i have not had any of that.now theres an expectation for me to go and see her. I do feel sad for her and when I saw a picture of how frail she is it did uoset me. And I felt bad for her . But apart of me feels she stopped being my mum a long time ago.

No, you would not be bad. You would be perfectly reasonable. You tried but she didn't want a relationship with you. The fact you have already visited her is enough.

In these circumstances I would not visit again and I don't think you should feel guilty about it. Your mother has done you a massive disservice of life-impacting proportions by not having a relationship with you where you feel valued and cherished. It is so damaging to feel worthless to the people who should love you unconditionally. You owe her nothing and were kind and generous to buy her the TV, that shows you are a decent person with consideration for others, even others who have not shown you the same concern.

Your sister has had a rather different life experience from you and most likely doesn't recognise that. Have you told her how you feel about this? A lot of siblings are dismissive about discrepancies in the way each other were brought up; my DB1 was the golden child and got far more attention, approval and material things than the rest of us (and his son is the golden GC, so it goes on).

I wouldn't go again because I don't see any value in it for you and I would be concerned about the risk that she may say hurtful things to you because of the dementia. You wouldn't be wrong to want to protect yourself from that.

At this point you have to do what is right for your peace and conscience, and if not going to see her is right for you, them that’s what you have to do, amd don’t feel any guilt about it. Sorry you’re going through this

I am angry on your behalf that your sister is sending you distressing photographs designed to guilt you into visiting, I think you should reconsider your relationship with her.

And no obligation to visit your Mum either.

I do feel angry with her on a way. Because I have had to see all the mum daughter relationship stuff all the fun photos. Things said like she doesn't know who her great grand children are anymore. It is sad but she didn't even see my children. Im not entirely sure how much my sister knows. But I do know when my mum used to visit my sister wouldn't mention it. But maybe it wasn't her place to maybe my mum had told her not to. I have no idea. But to be honest as much as I feel angry/hurt its not worth ruining a relationship over.

Do what's right for you and not your sibling.

None of her business

I hsve never told her.she probably just thinks I couldn't be bothered. But I wouldn't tell her because I don't want to put ny stuff onto her. I don't want her to feel bad for having a relationship with her. I don't know what I done wrong to this day though.

It sounds like you made your peace with the situation a long time ago.

Do what feels right for YOU and not to keep other people happy.

Perhaps when the time is right, speak to your sister and explain how hard it has been for you and your children over the years having no relationship with your mum. Also tell your sister to stop sending distressing photos...

And lastly, if her dementia is that advanced she won't probably recognise you anyway...

sending hugs your way....

It sounds like you’ve done more than enough. You don’t have to feel guilty.

My dad has a similar situation with his dad. He also had dementia, and my dad had no relationship with him nor did my aunts for 20+ years. He wasn’t a very nice man.

My dad refused to see him or go to his funeral, as the years have passed he has regretted it.

One aunt did go and see him and it gave her some peace.

The other aunt also didn’t see him or attend the funeral and doesn’t regret it at all.

It’s a very personal choice, if you will only go due to pressure from other family members don’t do it.
If you wan’t to go for yourself then that’s different.

I really sympathise with you, but whatever way you decide isn’t wrong. If we are frank your mum won’t know you’ve been, so decide on whats best for you.

I've not been in touch with a parent for over 30 years. We simply do not have a relationship. If I was ever put in this situation then I'm afraid I'd be politely declining too. As others have said this is so personal. Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped, know your own mind and do what is right for you.

You didn't do anything wrong, if there was a fault or issue that created this, then it lay with your mum. She has been the defective one who treated her child so coldly, I bet you can't imagine treating any of your children like the way she dealt with you! Don't stress yourself over it, this rests entirely with her, not you.

If you don't want to tell your sister how you feel, you don't have to. She may not respond well which would be another level of stress for you that you don't need. You can't tell in advance how these things will go, especially if she has her own beliefs about your collective upbringing (if she didn't notice anything different for example). The only reason for saying anything would be to explain why you don't want to make any repeat visits to your mum.

But please, don't blame yourself for your mum's failings.

Ask yourself how you will feel when you hear she's died. If you know you won't be racked with guilt and remorse, then leave it be. It's those left behind whose feelings matter and you just need to be sure that your continuing estrangement won't be difficult for you to live with. My adult child is in a similar situation but told me they couldn't bear the thought of this person dying without knowing they'd done their best to make them comfortable and content. You sound as though you've thought all this through and decided what works for you x 💐

I wouldn’t see her. She lost that chance when she treated you badly.

Your mum did what she wanted all those years. Now it’s your turn to do what you want.
I wouldn’t go.

Thankyou I wouldn't say anything to my sister there's nothing to gain. All it would do is cause bad feeling. Which is no good for anyone.

I did try for a long time but one day I realised I couldn't make her be my mum. I stopped trying from then.

I don't think she would know who I am. My sister said things like its so that people seeing her know that they did even though she doesn't know who people are we know who she is.

When I did go and see her about 18 months ago it was sad. She showed me a picture of her mum said to me see that lady that's my mum that is. It wasn't her mum it was her.
She told me T her partner was there she could hear him shouting E are you there E where are you. She then said hes shut up now. I went along with it and just said silly sod probably having a nap if hes gone quiet
I showed her some old pictures of our old neighbours from the 80s it was the only thing I could think of to show her that may still be in her memory she did remember.

From what I have been told recently shes not really communicating just kind of looks through you. Doesn't really respond . Shes not eating. Shes extremely thin and frail.

TBH I dare say she wouldn’t recognise you anyway. My DM stopped recognising me even though I was visiting once a week - I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea - but that was when she could still hold any sort of conversation. Later there was nothing.
Please don’t feel bad if you don’t go.

Yeah i know. It was about knowing that she was visited. That we done the right thing weather she knows us or not. But right thing by who and why. Im not going to go though. I don't know how that will go down but I will take it as it comes.