How can I find out why people dislike me? How can I become likeable?

[BooksCatsBeer]

I’m in my mid thirties. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

Throughout my whole life, I’ve struggled with being disliked. It seems that every group I walk into, be it at work or personal, has at least one person who can’t stand me.

I’d like to think that I’m kind, considerate, and patient, but I guess there’s something in me that turns others away? How can I learn what that is?

Occasionally, when I meet others, I get an icky vibe from them, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I guess maybe I give off an icky vibe too? Is there any way of fixing this?

And yes, I have tried reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People”!

How are you getting the information that people don’t like you? What are people saying or doing?

I think autistic people often find a mismatch with allistic people. Their loss, I bet you’re great. At work, just keep doing what you do, and remember they’re colleagues, not friends.

Some people can’t cope with neurodivergent people.

I would focus on caring less what people think of you - work on your self-esteem and confidence.

How do you know they can’t stand you?

In general humans have a lot of variety in their personalities.

there are people who are loud extroverts. There are people who like football. There are people who get very socially anxious.

in any group of people I assume there will be people who don’t particularly like me. That’s fine.

i play in a recorder group. We are there to play and to be reasonably friendly. I talk to the people I like and don’t talk to the people I am less keen on.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in a group there will ALWAYS be people you get on with better than others. And that’s true for everyone and most people deal with it by talking to the people they know/they gel with.

this is not a problem with you, this is a normal human experience.

It’s completely normal for humans to like some humans and dislike others. It would be weird to like everyone. You’re not doing anything ‘wrong’ as such. It’s better to be liked for who you genuinely are by one or two people, than liked by loads of people for the person you’re trying to be, if that’s not your true self.

I'm similar to you, OP, and there's a lot of autism in my family. Although I am undiagnosed, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm autistic. I recognise a lot of what you say. I just don't function well in group situations no matter how hard I try. My worst nightmare is going to a party. I'm much better one-to-one. Do you start saying stupid things because you think that's what people want to hear? I used to do this but I always got it wrong - it never made people like me. I am old now and since I was 40 I became much better at interpersonal skills (although far from perfect).

I get 'icky' vibes from some people, too. Can you find hobbies that are ok with not much talking going on, like walking? I also cope by being as pleasant as I can, but saying little until I know the person. Sorry, not terrible helpful, but you're not alone.

Weirdly I saw a thread in the last couple of days asking pretty much the same question, maybe someone who posted on it could link it for you

I feel i get on with most people but there are a few things that put me of people just incase you recognise yourself in any of these. People who talk to much but don't listen, people who are really needy like will visit but stay for 10 hrs and not take a hint, also people who constantly slag others of as it usually means they are slagging you off.

Anonymised online survey?

I am joking, but one thing I’ve found is when you’re autistic it just rubs a lot of people the wrong way. The main things I’ve found helpful are:

1. Tell them off the bat you have ASD. I think it gives people context and that often means they will adjust their expectations and not assume you’re just rude or awkward.

2. Focusing on making friends who also have ASD. I got diagnosed at 17 and over the years more of my friends have been diagnosed (some were diagnosed before me as well, I think we just naturally flock together). I don’t think you should limit yourself but there is something to be said for being “among your own kind” if you will.

3. You just have to keep trying. Unfortunately since you have these things, life is harder especially friendships and relationships. If you keep going you will eventually find somewhere you fit in! But I know it’s disheartening.

No one likes everyone,and we all have people are drawn to and people we take a dislike to
I follow a lot of people with autism on tictok and they all say exactly why you described,it is just oar for the course with autism..and I find exactly the same as you describe as well

Par for the course

I know it's hard for autistic brains to let go of something they can't fully understand, but this is one of those things you'll never find the answer to.

I think it's normal to not gel with everyone in a group. Just accept we can't always like everyone and focus on nurturing friendships with the people who do naturally like you.

Life became much less exhausting when I trained my autistic brain to not waste energy on the unknowable.

I’m a lot of the things you say but so very misunderstood. I think my face doesn’t match my feelings and I give off the wrong vibes. I dont know how to fix it. I recently started a new job and am so aware of how awkward I am when people chat to me: I have to process things much more slowly so often take too long to come up with a shit reply. I have just come to terms with that being me. I hate the fact that I present as an awkward and probably strange woman as I’m actually really nice. It’s not such a bad thing at work though as a lot of the chat I overhear invokes talking about others and I’m not about that.

Can you ask a friend how you come across, or why they think this might be the case? Ask for honesty?

Honestly? No one likes everyone they meet. Even people you have something substantially in common with can be completely different from you in other ways, meaning a conversation can seem like hard work.

This is probably more about your insecurities related to your autism and ADHD. Accept that not everyone will like you and you'll be a lot happier. Stay friendly and polite and they'll have no reason to be rude/off with you. Some of those people you sense don't like you will have sensed your differences and be too insecure themselves to make friends with you.

There is research which says NT people instantly don’t like ND people. Try and find some ND friends.

I'm autistic.

I've realised over the years a few things...

I don't make a lot of eye contact. ND people often perceived this as me being stuck up! I'm definitely not but that is their immediate impression based on initial general interactions.

I don't watch stuff like Love Island, Soaps, reality TV, Saturday night family type shows. This means I'm out of the loop on a lot of this kind of social small talk and again people seem to do a double take as it marks me in conversation as different and again, they think I'm being snooty.

I struggle to follow group conversations, especially in busy environments with noisy backgrounds. Making it hard to keep up.

I won't join in gossip or bitching. If someone moans about someone else behind their back my suggestion to raise the issue with them directly usually goes down like a lead balloon.

There's probably more. But there are lots of little things I do or don't do, that mean I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm okay with that.

Same here

This is really interesting. Can you share any more?

I have ADHD (inattentive type) and am probably undiagnosed autistic too as one of my children has a diagnosis and one of the assessors remarked that I have many of the same traits. I've regularly found that people don't seem to like me or just tolerate me even though "on paper" I'm doing and saying all the right things. I think people are just very tuned in to social awkwardness. I feel like I'm not quite tuned in to the same wavelength as most people so I have to concentrate on what they are saying and interpret it before responding i.e. did they mean that literally or figuratively? Was that a joke/ am I meant to laugh? Was that sarcasm or not? It's probably a very slight delay, maybe 1.5 seconds but I think people (especially women, men are a bit more oblivious!) are aware of it and it makes them feel uncomfortable as the natural flow that NT people have with each other is all "glitchy". Then I get socially anxious which magnifies the whole thing.

Once I get to know someone well it doesn't really happen because I've "learned" what their social cues look like (I have somehow managed to make a few good friends over the years). But the difficulty is getting to know people when so many try and avoid social contact after our initial interactions! It doesn't come easily.

No idea what the answer is (or if there is one).

You sound paranoid OP. I’d work on that rather than trying to be popular.

You might be wrong! I’ve often thought people didn’t like me but the evidence looking back says otherwise. Sometimes the people I thought didn’t like me actually ended up close friends - particularly after having kids when you tend to meet a lot of new people.

I was diagnosed recently and am middle aged, but as a teen I really thought no boys ever fancied me. Looking back I just missed loads of signals and was incapable of reacting in a positive or relaxed way to any signals - major major embarrassment. Similar with friends at that time too.

Do you have some good friends? If yes, perhaps ask them directly (maybe ask 'anything I can do to be blend more easily into a new social group' as opposed to 'tell me why people don't like me').

Perhaps more importantly, do you like yourself? Why? what is great about you? Think about it often and give yourself some positive self-talk about your qualities as though you were your own best friend. Build yourself up!

Everyone else makes good points but I did enjoy these articles. I can't remember if they are paid ones, sorry, but you can get a 7 day free trial anyway. The author has diagnosed ADHD and some autistic traits but does not consider herself autistic.

https://open.substack.com/pub/cartoonshateher/p/at-28-i-taught-myself-to-be-likable

I don't have a diagnosis but I am absolutely convinced I had inattentive ADHD.
I miss cues around jokes. Even if my mum says something about the kids (to the kids) I'll be like "no cause x,y,z" and she's like yes I know, I'm joking!
And I just don't get it. It happens at work loads too.
I have issues with work colleagues. I'm too straight laced and don't like the behaviour on the workplace but I'm made to feel like I am in the wrong purely because, in numbers, they think they are in the right.