How can I find out why people dislike me? How can I become likeable?

[BooksCatsBeer]

I’m in my mid thirties. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

Throughout my whole life, I’ve struggled with being disliked. It seems that every group I walk into, be it at work or personal, has at least one person who can’t stand me.

I’d like to think that I’m kind, considerate, and patient, but I guess there’s something in me that turns others away? How can I learn what that is?

Occasionally, when I meet others, I get an icky vibe from them, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I guess maybe I give off an icky vibe too? Is there any way of fixing this?

And yes, I have tried reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People”!

Yeah there's a shed load of research about this from Noah Sasson and his team (including the study linked by the pp). Basically some NTs are taking an instant dislike to autistics and there is little we can do to persuade them otherwise. Apparently if we let people know we are autistic they realise they need to dial down their ableism - but disliking us is an instant visceral reaction for them. Like the uncanny valley where we seem not quite human.

The solution is to be more open about your diagnoses but give those who give you bad 'vibes' a wide berth for your own mental health. Are you starting to find you can notice autistic, ADHD folk yourself? Like an A-dar but for neurodivergent people? Those are the ones to focus on, and the odd extra-empathetic allistic.

Wow, yes this definitely makes sense.
I have got a few very good (NT) friends and our initial interactions were quite awkward but we managed to work through that and somehow reach the next stage and found we genuinely liked each other.

There were two distinct patterns to this happening. Either the NT person is very open and bubbly with everyone and just not put off. Or I decided to keep making lots of effort and persisted (this definitely did not always work as I think it gave off odd stalker vibes to some people!)

One of my besties (bubbly type) has joked a few times that she thought I was a total bitch the first few times we met as I seemed to avoid eye contact or looked like I was glaring at her (that was me thinking "I must make the effort to make eye contact"!) And that it was a revelation to find that I was actually "really nice and funny". I'm so glad she persisted with me. I don't mind her telling me the above because it gave me some great insight into the dynamics.

I think as well. Allistics simply don't 'get' us. Reading back over previous posts from allistics, they're saying things like 'conversation isn't hard' and 'you just need to be more interested in other people', 'practice makes perfect' without realising that autism is literally a disability of socia-communication, communication with typical NTs is incredibly difficult. Nobody, I hope, would dream of telling a wheelchair user they needed to 'just walk more'. Hence the analogy that we run on Linux and they run on Windows. If it was just as simple as ask questions and be interested in other people I wouldn't have autism. I am disabled.

Would any kind-hearted neuro-typicals on this chat be willing to spend 20 mins on Zoom with me and tell me what off-putting attributes I have that may be putting others off?

I will donate £20 to a charity of your choice for your time!

Don't stand too close to people.

Pick the right people to talk to. I think it can be harder for ND people to pick up on the subtle things that make other people wary.

Try to listen to what people are saying, rather than waiting for them to finish so that you can have your turn to speak. If you don't listen, it makes them feel like they are boring you. If you struggle to hide your lack of interest then try to ask about things you are genuinely interested in. People like people who make them feel good about themselves and noone wants to feel like a bore.

Remember that most people struggle a bit socially and feel like others don't like them. Be yourself and don't worry too much if people don't warm to you at first (I know this can be hard).

Im the same as you.

I find social situations hard so rarely instigate them and i think that gives the impression im not that bothered.

People often check on me when they see my husband out walking, but otherwise i thibk they have busy lives which they are concentrating on.

I expect if I started to attend stuff id be invited to more.

This is too much too soon and relates to my point about picking the right people to talk to. Most people will be wary because they have no idea who you are and won't want you to have their contact details . They won't know what they are getting into. If you attract anyone, it will only be misguided do-gooders who don't understand boundaries (you might not mind that, but they won't be good on social skills) or nasty people who might take advantage.

I would say this request in itself is a bit off putting tbh!

You never answered my initial question of what other people have said or done to give you the impression they don’t like you.

I'm sure some people like exactly how you are.

I generally do not dislike people, certainly not at first sight. But I tend to find people with poor social boundaries who are overbearing and controlling off putting so would keep my distance. I have met some in the work place and it's like they have no respect for others, just their own need to handle situations without empathy or reciprocity. Too forceful.

Having an autistic spouse, kids and colleagues I’ve noticed a few things where intent is really misread.

• Flat affect: DH instantly gets read as aloof to NTs, which can maybe make people more reluctant to talk to him?

• Shifting self concept: I noticed that my DH has a less solid sense of self than me, so I did some reading on this. Speculating now, but I wonder if NTs find it hard to tell who he is as he communicates this less? I think NTs prefer communication within a range of reciprocity/ interdependence and steer away from those who come off as aloof or needy.

• Special interests: my kids really want to talk about what they are into, to share their joy, but they ditch all the NT conventions around conversations, like turn-taking, listening and building on what someone’s said and not simply replying, asking about others. This comes off to NTs as lacking in interest and consideration.

• In work the top-down processors are having a conversation based on inference and context that moves on quickly, whilst the bottom up processors are still trying to build a picture with their info.
• NTs don’t understand this and leave with the feeling that colleagues don’t ’get it’ and are more difficult to talk to.
• If bottom up processors stop and ask for context this feels to the top down group like a derail, so it’s not easy for the bottom up person. This one is especially tricky.

Not sure if any of this mini-essay has helped!

Agree with this. It seems OP has ignored all the comments on this thread explaining what could be off putting. There's also the possibility that it's her perception and people don't actually find her off putting.

Op, rather than ask a complete stranger to judge you (who could end up being someone with poor social skills anyway, and thus not helpful) why don't you read all the comments and think about your own behavior? If nothing that people have described as off putting resonates with your own behavior, then there's probably little you can change. It would also be better to ask someone you trust for feedback rather than strangers online. All the best.