How can I find out why people dislike me? How can I become likeable?

[BooksCatsBeer]

I’m in my mid thirties. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

Throughout my whole life, I’ve struggled with being disliked. It seems that every group I walk into, be it at work or personal, has at least one person who can’t stand me.

I’d like to think that I’m kind, considerate, and patient, but I guess there’s something in me that turns others away? How can I learn what that is?

Occasionally, when I meet others, I get an icky vibe from them, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I guess maybe I give off an icky vibe too? Is there any way of fixing this?

And yes, I have tried reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People”!

I strongly recommend you focus on making neurodivergent friends. DS has autism and ADHD. He was so painfullt lonely when he tried to befriend neurotypical people - they just didn't get him or he misread so many overtures of friendship and missed out on people who did like him. Now he dates ND women, and a huge number of his friends are neurodiverse. They just click so easily and are more relaxed around each other.

If people don't seem to like you it could be a few things - but I am generalising massively here: some ND people are too intense, talk too much or for too long - e.g. asked a question and will answer a stream of consciousness of everything they can think of surrounding that question. It can just feel like hard work. Or the opposite - sometimes abrupt, and not picking up on friendly overtures, so people get fed up. Or - big gap between NT and ND - having a very strong sense of injustice that NT people just can't be bothered with.

But it could be none of these.

DS went on Hinge or similar and started meeting people for coffee who shared his interests and took it from there. He has a great social life now.

Asking people questions about themselves is usually the shortcut to seeming better at conversation than you actually are (I am really autistic and also really good at pretending I'm not). People absolutely love talking about themselves, and luckily I am nosy enough that I like to listen. The more "unmasked" autistic ways of conversing and relating to others aren't objectively inferior in any way, it's just that people who aren't autistic rarely warm to them. A lot of people - autistic or not - do tend to monologue about themselves quite a lot, just in different ways.

You can’t.

Going through life with the intention of being liked is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness, and disappointment. Be yourself, be respectful and polite and anyone who has a problem - it’s their problem.

Also ADHD people have a great capacity for wheedling out fake people/bullshit and the people who are like this won’t like that. They’re probably the ones you’re talking about!

I relate to so much here, including your post OP.

Conversely, I think about the way that I treat other people. The people who I interact with are all on a neutral playing field. The people I don’t like I treat with courtesy, kindness and politeness. I may dislike them, but I could never be rude to them, in spite of me feeling the rudeness/abrasion from people who don’t like me.

… Perhaps this is the difference?

I think of it as a "cultural difference", more or less. Do what you have to do professionally, and otherwise choose people whose communication style suits you. I find very very stereotypically "NT" communication (roundabout, judgemental, prescriptive) quite tiresome, but at the other end of the scale there are stereotypically "ND" traits (lack of reciprocity, inflexibility) that I find tiresome too.

Hi OP. I just scanned this thread briefly and couldn’t see anyone mention Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Have you heard of this? It’s being hyper-aware of/sensitive to anything that could be interpreted as a rejection (eg negative vibes in interactions). Common in ND people. If you find Alex Partridge on Instagram he talks about it a lot and has a book coming out shortly. Also articles in ADDitude magazine, if you Google it. This could be contributing to your feelings and reading about it might help. Sending kind wishes!

Rejection sensitivity disorder? It is common with ADHD. DC2 has it and always assumes that people think the worst of them if something has gone very slightly wrong.

Eg best friend messages DC2 in the morning and DC2 realises in the evening that they forgot to reply. At that point they willl assume the friend hates them

Or - also DC2 - recently started a lab project with a lovely professor at their uni. Said to professor at tbe start that it was many months since they had even entered a lab, let alone done any experiments. Made a few small mistakes . DC2 is now assuming that the professor thinks they are dumb and lazy, even though the professor has always been exceptionally kind and helpful

Why don't you just ask her?

You: 'Hi, I noticed that we used to be quite friendly & talk, but feel that you are no longer interested in doing that and I just wanted to ask why and I also wanted to apologise if I have done anything that has offended you... Is everything OK?'

Her (imagined): 'Well, that day, last month, when I was taking the kids to school and I was trying to tell you that I've just be diagnosed with (insert chronic illness) and was hoping to get some support, but you seem totally preoccupied with your dog and just ignore me.'

You: 'Oh I am really sorry. I had no idea. My dog distracted me and I stupidly shifted my focus away from you and what you were saying... I'd really like us to be friends again and I don't like being on unfriendly terms with anyone. I hope you'll accept my apology. I'm so sorry.'

It's lovely to hear that your DS has managed to make some like-minded friends. It's funny, I get along with people - NT or ND - perfectly well at work and such, but only ever end up forming close bonds with other autistic people. I joke that being my friend or fancying me is itself a definitive diagnosis 😁

Thanks for this.I am autistic and this is what I am going through in my work. I hate it so much. 😭

Throughout my whole life, I’ve struggled with being disliked. It seems that every group I walk into, be it at work or personal, has at least one person who can’t stand me.

So, if it’s ‘at least one’ person in a group, it’s clearly not even close to being everyone, is it?

Nobody is liked by everyone they meet. Most people aren’t universally loved by everyone in a group of people.

As others have said - how do you actually know people ‘can’t stand’ you? Are they telling you they don’t like you? Are they being snappy or insulting towards you? Or are they just not being ultra-matey with you? Or just don’t seem keen to chat? Because that’s… very normal? Some people simply aren’t looking for friends.

Conversation is an exchange. It is reciprocal. It is like tennis. You don't keep the ball in your side of the court. Someone self-obsessively droning on about themselves is just plain bad manners. For my generation (I'm 58) we would call them a bore. Maybe they should just go back to teaching manners at school?

You need to find other NDs or wait for a NT to adopt you.

Also I think aiming for acquaintances rather than friends is a good strategy.

I have started to tear up reading this. Making conversation is. Incredibly hard for me. I’m autistic. I feel like it should be easy and there is something wrong with me. In this aspect of my life I hate myself and I’m incredibly lonely.

It’s not that I’m not curious or interested in people I just don’t know how to do the ping pong of natural conversation that is instinctive for so many people even if I start with an open question. Adult diagnosed with no social support. I’m not even sure how I’d find face to face friends who have autism. I don’t have any special interest.
i absolutely hate having autism

You've written articulated yourself well, and that's also a big part of conversation.

A lot of it is practise and with practise will come confidence. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you. I can be articulate in this medium and in structured situations like a dr appointment or at work. However face to face socially in theory conversations “flow”. I watch and listen to others and it is natural (or someone autistic with good practice and masking). For me it doesn’t and I feel sad when I see what is (or I feel should be) easy

These parts stand out for me in @Charlize43
”Once the ice is broken, the conversation will flow. People are fascinating and I love hearing about what they are interested in.“

second sentence absolutely first one not for me

“Generally, like much in life: What you put in, is what you get out. Just remember that it is up to you to make it interesting for yourself.”
Very much agree that’s why I hate the way I am

I don't think conversation is quite that easy for most people to be fair, please don't be too hard on yourself. It flows IF you know how to ride the wave of conversation.
I do think conversation is a learnable skill but some people will always be better at it than others.

One thing I would say is not to "hyper fixate" on getting friends or thinking something is wrong with you. Lower your standards.

Maintaining a "close group" or a "tribe" isn't actually the overwhelming social norm.

Of course some people have a "girl gang" set up from school and enjoy it.

However, a lot of content, functional people don't have big social groups and thrive. The "Sex and the City" lifestyle is complete fiction for most women.

A lot of people say you "need" this super close group of people for support. Or in an emergency.

Often people find a regular social group isn't actually helpful in practical ways, and needs too much time and energy to maintain.

You'd be better having savings to pay for emergencies and being on speaking terms with 1-2 neighbours, or knowing what services to access locally.

(I'm ostenibly quite introverted but I have good judgement, I've learned "adulting" well. This seems to work much better than having a "bestie"!).

In my 40s many mainstream people are focussing on career or money or kids or relaxing at home time or their solo interests.

Many friendships are fairly situational and superficial. Maybe you share an office together and hit it off as you're the only two females the same age

Or you have a hobby for a time and spend time together during the hobby. You drift away after a time and thats Ok.

I don't think individual social skills actually count as much as people think.

People tolerate poor social skills from certain people and not others. If your "face doesn't fit" for any reason in a group you may be labelled awkward or annoying. Can be ND, can be other things. You might even be too pretty/normal looking/mainstream for the group!

Plus timing may be a factor.

I've met some super cool people with great social skills, I genuinely just don't have energy to stay in touch with them.

If you have the energy/desire to meet people naturally and genuinely enjoy it then go for it. People can be really great on an "ad hoc" level.

Similarly there's nothing wrong with preferring to stay in with family or talking online and being quiet at work (unless you're being bullied which is a seperate issue).

Don't ruminate or beat yourself up over saying or doing the right things. 99% of it is out of your control.

You sound rude and unhelpful.

If one person only doesn't like you, you're doing OK! It probably means you're being yourself... do you have good friends?

There are all the weird unwritten and unspokensocial rules about neurotypical culture, for a start. There’s the way autistic people might notice straightaway that someone’s energy really doesn’t match their words, and autistic people are often misinterpreted and overlooked by their neurotypical peers in favour of those people they find more like themselves. I find I’m read as aloof. A mixer I am not. I can pick up a vibe in a group but have not a clue about group hierarchies or office politics, hence I frequently offend in those settings. I can be astute and dim at the same time and if I want to convey my thoughts and feelings, I’ll use words rather than tone or behaviour. Some of us (as a wise person once told me) are pack animals and some of us are colony animals who come together for specific reasons but don’t hang out purely in order to establish our place in a group.

I just asked AI "Is this true?" and got this response.
This refers to research on what's sometimes called the "double empathy problem" or studies about first impressions between neurotypical (NT) and neurodivergent (ND) people.
There is some research suggesting that neurotypical people may form less favorable first impressions of autistic individuals based on brief interactions, even before meaningful communication occurs. A notable study by Sasson et al. (2017) found that neurotypical observers rated autistic adults more negatively on first impressions and were less willing to interact with them, based on thin slices of behavior like posture and body language.
However, the framing "NT people instantly don't like ND people" oversimplifies things:
The research primarily focuses on autism specifically, not all forms of neurodivergence
These are tendencies in initial impressions, not universal reactions or permanent judgments
The "double empathy problem" theory (Milton, 2012) suggests this is bidirectional - both groups may struggle to understand each other's communication styles, rather than it being a one-way deficit
When NT people have actual conversations or relationships with autistic people, initial impression biases often don't persist
Many factors influence whether this occurs, including context and individual differences
So there's evidence for first-impression biases in some contexts, but characterizing it as NT people universally and permanently disliking ND people wouldn't be accurate. The research is more nuanced and points toward communication mismatches rather than inherent antipathy.

Hi @honeylulu , the research being referred to is this I believe:

https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700

It's a depressing read I'm afraid but it does throw light on the problem we face before we even open our mouths.

Thank you @Frannyisreading I appreciate it and will have a read (will steel myself first!)

I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

That's the only info you gave about yourself. What are your hobbies, what are your interests?What do you like doing?Where do you work?What did you study.

I find it's a common issue especially with the self diagnosed or recently diagnosed that they hold onto it like a shield and make it their entire personality.

There will be an infinite number of things that make you different from everybody else.Not just neurodivergence.