How can I find out why people dislike me? How can I become likeable?

[BooksCatsBeer]

I’m in my mid thirties. I have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

Throughout my whole life, I’ve struggled with being disliked. It seems that every group I walk into, be it at work or personal, has at least one person who can’t stand me.

I’d like to think that I’m kind, considerate, and patient, but I guess there’s something in me that turns others away? How can I learn what that is?

Occasionally, when I meet others, I get an icky vibe from them, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I guess maybe I give off an icky vibe too? Is there any way of fixing this?

And yes, I have tried reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People”!

Not everyone has to like you. As you say, some people do give you 'the ick'. So yes others can feel that way too.

I find that some people really do take me in the wrong way and take an instant dislike to me. Whereas others seem to think I seem very open, friendly. Trustworthy early on. Mostly though people are just too wrapped up in their own lives to have a strong opinion about most people one way or another.

Not everyone is going to like you however nice you are, saying one person in a group doesn't like you is not surprising, but you may be misunderstanding dislike for indifference, they don't know you (yet). And starting from the position that everyone dislikes you makes you super sensitive to the slightest thing.

There is a woman who lives near me and walks her kids the same way to school as me. She used to be friendly and then one day completely blanked me and clearly hates me now. I'm not totally sure why but I think what happened is that one day I was pre-occupied trying to train my dog and she was trying to talk to me. I was vaguely aware of her saying something behind me, but I thought maybe she was talking to her kids and I thought it was obvious I was focused on the dog (he is very anxious). Anyway since then she has either ignored me completely or looked at me like dirt. The point being sometimes people take a dislike to other people - I'm sure her version is that I deliberately and nastily blanked her (even though I'd have no reason to as she was just an acquaintance I neither liked or disliked). I think it's best to focus on the friendly people and not worry too much if someone you don't really know doesn't seem to like you. It's probably no reflection on you as a person.

On the other hand there's another woman near me who i'm friendly enough with and know from dog walking. But she keeps inviting herself to things I'm doing with other friends - I'm sure she thinks she's putting herself out there and being friendly, and perhaps she is, but at the same time, she doesn't seem to understand that if I'm going to the pub with a group of women who all know each other from a hobby we all share, it isn't really the done thing to bring along a woman no-one else knows and who doesn't share the hobby. She might interpret that as me not liking her, but it's not that at all.

I don't like some autistic people because of the 'auto' part, as in they have very little empathy and appear (doesn't mean they are) self-obsessed. I hope not all autistic adults behave like this, but the ones I know do and so while I am polite to them, I can't really have much of a connection with them since there is no reciprocity in the relationship.

If you do these things, it could be why people might not like you: Talk endlessly about a topic you're interested in and never let other people get a word in, never ask others anything about themselves and have a need for all conversations to be about you and what you're interested in, never check in when a friend/colleague is going through a hard time or show any empathy about hard situations.

If you're just socially awkward, I'm sure it's not most people and only a few who dislike you. No one likes everyone, after all.

It is probably because of traits to do with your autism, but it's impossible to say what traits without knowing you. I'm a teacher at a girls' school where thereare quite a few autistic students. They are all what might be described as 'high-functioning' (it's an academic school you have to pass an exam to get into, which would exclude some autistic girls) but some of them are much more popular / socially integrated than others. It's hard to say exactly why sometimes. Probably they are the ones who are less obviously ASD - maybe because they are better at masking.

I wonder if you assume ‘the group’ dislikes you? That’s likely to be very scary, overwhelming and paralysing or trigger you to be or feel awkward. But it is also unrealistic as everyone in ‘the group’ is an individual - probs not a group at all - just that you imagine it so as a social threat?

How do you get on one to one? Can you pace interactions with new people - handle light conversations and actively mirror their energy and interactions? Can you prioritise listening and asking them questions over downloading / monologuing? Are conversations mutual, balanced, reciprocal?

Can you keep conversations and expectations at ‘acquaintance’ level and
only progress over time to more intimate interactions when you have after a time established you are compatible.

Who do you like listening to / interacting with - who are you compatible with? Can you do a hobby where you interact and build friendships this way?

Dross

Are you too nice? Do you people please? What are you like if there's a difference of opinion?

I'm autistic and have adhd ( only diagnosed a few years ago )

Most people seem to like me, i have a wide circle of friends and lots of acquaintances. I've found over the years, the people that don't like me are the ones who make everything into an emotional drama when it's not 😅 or the ones who think their queen bee and get mad when I don't fawn 😅

I'm friendly, open, funny and I would say I'm kind but not a doormat, I'm straight forward, I'm not rude and never insult people,

I know several autistic adults and over the years I have noticed that a lot are either people pleasers or very rigid in their thinking. People pleasers don't fare too well as it can come across as arse licking to NT people and a lot of NT people go off social hierarchy, people pleasers are at the bottom

Rigid thinking can be too aggressive as such for NT people too so autistic adults with rigid thinking don't do too well either

I think it helps mostly for me is that I don't really care if people didn't like me, I like me, I like my life, I make myself laugh a lot, my autistic friend has low self-esteem esteem and people can sense that too

I had a lot of the sniggering and knowing 'looks' between people, before I realised it was the autism, I didn't know I was autistic for a long time, and I think people just can tell and they think it's clever to whisper and snigger, I call them out now, doesn't make me more likeable but I feel better for it😁

I don’t have the link sorry.

I think as autistic people we have two choices 1) heavily mask or 2) think fuck it and seek out people who do like us

I wonder as more younger people are being diagnosed and are unmasking at a younger age if people will become more or less understanding.

Even if you ask them directly, you might not get a clear answer. People can make quick judgements, those vibes you talked about, and then rationalise them out to line up with them.

You can try to fix them, but while being disliked can be painful, it's far more draining and can be more painful to keep shifting yourself to please others.

This is really interesting. Can you share any more?

Not the poster who first brought it up, but here are two of quite a few studies done that show strong evidence of the double empathy problem (that different neurotypes experience and perceive empathy differently, and that this causes people to perceive those of other neurotypes as non-empathic and leads to greater difficulties communicating with each other compared to perceiving empathy and communicating with people of the same neurotype) and that while everyone can sense negativity where there is none, autistic people aren't actually paranoid to notice that harsh judgement does happen and can happen very quickly - the latter study had videos of less than 8 seconds, and some of the judgements made based on just that, even with no knowledge that the person in the video was diagnosed autistic, were at times quite brutal.

2017 Neurotypical Peers are Less Willing to Interact with Those with Autism based on Thin Slice Judgments: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5286449/

2021 Do Neurotypical People Like or Dislike Autistic People?
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8992906/

You might be wrong and just feel that way.

But also not everyone has to like you. I’ve met people I just don’t like. I couldn’t even really say why. They’ve not done or said anything wrong. It’s just a vibe a guess.

I am a support worker and autistic people have this a lot. I do my job because I love the way they all are. But many people find them irritating, strange, something a bit off. I’ve known a few who think everyone is against them and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve known some who constantly create issues at work. Take offence at things that aren’t meant like that.

Great introspective post! So true

This is true and quite shocking if you read the piece of research.
I'm autistic too OP and I completely get what you're saying. It happened to me last week that one person in a group clearly had a problem with me while being perfectly nice to everyone else. I reminded myself some NT people just can't handle ND folks - on a subconscious level I reckon we give them the shivers 😅
It is their loss. I try to really appreciate the people who do like me - often other ND folks. I find it helps to hang out more in 'oddball' circles as well, for instance people who are into the arts tend to be more accepting of difference and quirks.

If I dislike someone on sight, which is rare, it’s usually because they have done or said something antisocial. I can think of only two people who I immediately disliked, one was an extremely presumptuous person who cleared his throat loudly and for at least fifteen seconds. It turned my stomach. The other was a woman who didn’t speak when introduced, just stared with a raised eyebrow. That made me feel uncomfortable.

if you aren’t doing anything obvious to make yourself disliked, then it’s possible you are subconsciously fearful of being disliked or judged by others, or you are vulnerable in some way which is detected by others who like to exclude or victimise those they deem to be weaker. It says more about them than you if that’s the case

I learned a lot from doing Myers Briggs and learning about the enneagram around your age, it made me realise we all have very different personalities and perspectives.

I'm an INFP personality which is very different to some other types and made me realise why (as well as now knowing I have ADHD) I've felt a certain way at times.

I’ve got an autistic colleague who never learned social skills. She drones on about herself and never asks me anything. It’s draining. Everyone avoids her.

I’ve taught AuDHD DS1 to converse politely and ask questions.

What's the double empathy problem? Is it where NT people empathise by listening and asking questions? But people with ASD empathise by sharing their own experiences?

Ah I am exactly the same, early 30s and strong autistic/ADHD traits although currently undiagnosed. I think ultimately you have to try and stop caring if someone dislikes you, it’s their problem not yours. Easier said than done though.

Some people have a very strong, and largely subconscious, aversion to autistic mannerisms and what they perceive as nonconformity. There isn't much you can do about it, unfortunately. Also worth factoring in that rejection sensitivity is common in autistic and ADHD people so you may also be reading neutral cues as negative (I do this). You probably aren't as disliked as you feel you are!

There's a LOT of other heuristics and subconscious biases that go into being liked or disliked too (regional accent? you must be thick. RP accent? you must be stuck up. fatter than me? you must be lazy. thinner than me? you must be judgy, etc etc). Just try not to waste more time or emotional energy than absolutely necessary on people who can't overcome their own biases.

Excellent post. I wonder if some ND find they come across better/find it easier to display wit, socially interact via written word (?)

Caring far too much about what others think & rejection sensitivity def often a challenge.

Great post. It ends up spiralling. I’ve seen it so many times
So NT person thinks ND person is a bit odd
ND person thinks NT person hates them and develops grudge. Reporting at work etc
NT person either reacts to this or stays away, and others also stay away as a result

Maybe ask yourself how much you invest in people? Are you naturally curious and ask questions? Are you happy to share information about yourself with others? Even if you are not doing interesting things in your life you can open a conversation with, 'Did you watch X on the box last night?' or 'I can't decide where to travel to this year... Have you got any holidays planned?'

Making conversation isn't difficult. I work in Art Events as a hostess and my job is to make people (often rich donors or buyers but also occasionally temperamental artists) feel relaxed and comfortable and to ensure that they have a good time. Often it's just about breaking the ice, 'I love that brooch you are wearing, is it Spanish? It kind of looks like Toledo filigree'... Once the ice is broken, the conversation will flow. People are fascinating and I love hearing about what they are interested in.

Generally, like much in life: What you put in, is what you get out. Just remember that it is up to you to make it interesting for yourself. Next time you are at a party and are bored, ask yourself how you could make it interesting for yourself. Also remember that a lot in life is shaped by the people we meet.