I am mostly like your husband, OP. I adore the freedom that comes from being an adult, and broadly I have felt happier and happier as I have aged. If I want to go out of the house and do something, I don’t need to ask anyone. There is also a financial freedom I am lucky that I’ve built that would have been impossible as a child. I choose what I buy. I choose the relationships I am in. I also have a wisdom, maturity to be empowered to make better decisions. I have also matured enough to free myself from a lot of societal rules that don’t actually suit me. I no longer worry about ‘being right’ or being accepted as much as I used to. While I may not exercise my power all the time, I basically have the power to do and say whatever I like within the law. My childhood was happyish, but was very controlled- both in terms of what I did when, and behaviour…. There was very little choice and lots of compliance.
yes, there is lots of responsibility when an adult, but there is a choice element now. I am responsible for DC but I chose to have DC. I am responsible at my job, but I can hand my notice in, retrain, do something else. Caring for elder parents is one of the tougher ones, but there are choices there too.
Your post did spark in me, however, what it means to be a woman….. when responsibility is too heavily imposed and assumed, including disproportionate caring responsibilities, and we feel like we have no choice, because otherwise we are bad people. That is when responsibility by choice becomes slavery. And we start to crave the ‘right’ to rest and be cared for ourselves, rather than be the carer. My mum described fantasizing about getting sick enough to be in hospital for a few weeks- just to escape the exhaustion and duties of caring for two kids and a high maintenance husband, without the moral condemnation she felt would come with simply taking a break. Occasionally in my life I’ve felt similar. But I do also acknowledge that much of this slavery is self imposed. Primarily, it has not been a result of abuse, but of self-policing, to be the best, most providing, most responsible mother/wife/employee possible. It is socialisation from childhood for us girls/women to be selfless carers. Men struggle far less just ‘heading off for the day/weekend’ for a hobby when they are fathers…. Or not calling/caring for their parents. These things fall more on women.
You mention your age. I’m roughly the same, and over the last couple of years, I’ve felt so tired that I started to crave that responsibility-free rest. (I imagined it as being one of those traditional old grandma/great grandmas, sitting in a corner with a blanket over me, being brought cups of tea, with nobody expecting anything of me!) I’m on HRT now, and my joy in my agency has come back again (not saying this is the answer for you).
Maybe though it would be good to reflect on how many of your responsibilities are self-imposed? Carried unequally by others? And while it may not be possible to shed huge things like children/elders entirely, are there little ways you ca step back, renounce responsibility, be a rebel and have some fun? This can be anything from putting a big piece of paper out and splattering it with any colour of paint you want without worrying about the mess. Or declaring to your DH that you are off for a girls weekend. One thing about being a child is we are born with an innate willingness to prioritise ourselves, until it is socialised out of us…. Some times we adults lose touch with our childish selves more than we have to, and reconnecting can be lovely!