I don't enjoy being an adult? Does anyone else feel this way?

[Dreamingofnarrowboatlife]

I often wonder if this is a strange or unusual way to feel? It's not something you discuss in every day conversations so I have no idea.

I think I have felt this way for most of my adult life but it is getting worse now that I am in my early 50's. In many ways it's the sheer weight of responsibilities I suppose - being a parent, being a child of elderly/unwell and frail parents, money and job responsibilities, looking after and being responsible for your own health etc. There is a big 'responsibility' pattern here, I know. I have never enjoyed having responsibilities but they come with being a decent adult person, there is no getting away from them.

My dh says that when he was a child he could not wait to be an adult and has enjoyed every minute of it so far. In contrast I often say I would go back to my childhood years in a heartbeat but he says he couldn't think of anything worse. He had a good childhood as did I but he says he hated having decisions made for him and the lack of choice which comes from being a child. I, on the other hand hate making adult decisions and the consequences which can come from these, I don't like change or having to make any changes. I loved the freedom childhood gave me where decisions and responsibilities were made by someone else.

I know that does sound very immature but wonder if anyone else feels like this?

BTW, this is all internal, if you knew me you would think of me as a very responsible and adult person.

I thought about death, the afterlife and heaven every day as a kid. I obsessed over it. The unknowable, thinking about the end of consciousness was a massive source of angst.

Growing older is inevitable, growing up optional. I have struggled with the whole 'being a responsible adult ' for my entire adult life. I didn't actually feel like an adult until menopause for some strange reason. As a kid I honestly thought grown ups could do lots of adventurous things..the reality was bills, kids and daily grind. In my 40s I took up sports and that gives me a sense of fun. Travel is the one thing I wish I had done. NMW doesn't help!
I still want to go out to play and ride my bike though, but I don't have anyone to go with who wouldjoin in!,. 😀

I feel exactly the same as you. I loved my childhood so much and I did very much enjoy my teens and 20's but 35+ especially has not been enjoyable and midlife even less so.

I very much h hope later life brings some kind of contentment.

I, too, often wish I could just skip into the garden and run around, jump and play. But doing it on my own would cause much unrest and gossip amongst the neighbours.

This is where having a dog might come in handy, but then sadly, after playtime, you can't just take its batteries out and put it back in the toybox.

I do wonder if perimenopause is heightening all of these feelings, it feels worse than before I suppose.

Im trying to manage this by finding moments of fun and silliness in my life. Making jokes, having a dance in the kitchen to music. Being pleased to see DH and giving him a kiss and a hug. I think like can get much more serious as we age and so far this seems to be helping. Walking helps too. When it’s not raining being outside in nature.

This totally resonates with me.

As I get older the feeling is stronger. Caring for my elderly mum who has advanced dementia really heightens these feelings for me. I've just spent all weekend with my mum in a&e and now she is on a frailty ward full of very old and vulnerable people and it's heartbreaking and I can not help it, makes me yearn for my younger years even more.

My 50's have really brought these feelings to a head more than ever before.

Me too.

@BeanQuisineI have a dog...ok..more adult responsibility, but she is fun..and is a cool doggy who does cool stuff(doggy activities) and I can have famous five adventures in my head while we are walking
I also go to concerts, mainly tribute stuff so bands/ genres from my childhood and youth!

Yes, that's it, I don't want to grow up, never have.

I love riding my bike too. It is much more fun with someone else, I agree. Much more fun as a child with your mates.

Well, I can't say I relate to your husband at all. I can't imagine how anyone can love every minute of being an adult. I'm with you - it's so hard. And yes I agree, it's the responsibilities, they just weigh me down so much. Nothing is fun anymore, it's a never ending cycle of things I have to do.

@sharkstaleNothing is fun anymore, it's a never ending cycle of things I have to do

THIS /\

We all have different responsibilities some have more than others.
I'd never want to go back to childhood I enjoy making my own decisions and being the driver in my own life.
Maybe you need to off load some responsibility take days out for yourself if you can .
If you can't I understand why you might be feeling this way.
I'm 51 my children have grown up I now feel I have my own time to relax and do what I want to do.
In time this will come to you .

Im not sure i was a particularly happy child either but in hindsight I do miss it.

Just the freedom of not having to decide what to make for every single meal.

I absolutely love being a mum though and my kids are still primary age so I think despite the financial stresses and constant decision making I really try to soak up every moment with my kids.

Its the constant pressure and speed of life that's tough as an adult I think. So many competing demands and never seems to be enough time. I'm happiest when me and the kids are outside and can forget the world for a while.

I'm not even that old so should be more tech literate than I am but I hate that you have to download an app for everything or worry about missing an important email or forgetting essential things like car MOT. I still feel like I'm 17 in my head and just pretending to be an adult most of the time
The imposter syndrome is huge.

And as much as I adore my kids I still worry I'm going to fail them and they'll hate me someday too. My Nans getting old and needing more care too and I don't look forward to ageing. It's just sad.

It’s not surprising you are feeling like this due to your circumstances. Really sorry for what you and your Mum are going through. I would definitely find that kind of responsibility overwhelming. For me though, I have felt happier every year I have aged. I was such an unhappy young person, I hated myself so much. I had happy and fun times but that deep rooted feeling of unworthiness was there the whole time. Having my DD at 34 stopped me looking inwards so much and I slowly started to stop hating myself. Now in my 50s I am well adjusted and so much happier. It’s hard to explain completely but the idea of going back to my immature, self absorbed, destructive and unhappy self is awful and that is what i associate with being a child.

I’m 60 this year, and I’ve become obsessed with the idea of retiring. I feel burnt out from life, I’ve carried the majority of the responsibilities for family life for 30 years. I’m just so tired of being the responsible one. On top of that I made a very late career change, retraining in my 50s and then realising that although I’m really proud and pleased I did this, it actually has made life harder, not easier. I don’t have the energy to give this new career what it needs in order to be truly successful. But I feel trapped now, there’s not enough working years left to make any more changes. I just have to find a way to make the best of where I am but it has pushed me to my limits.

I agree with you, being an adult is such hard work. I feel like I was sold a lie. I came from the generation that was told that women could have it all. Let’s face it what they really meant was that we could do it all. We could do the career, the family, the household, caring, supporting loved ones. I have watched my husband get up and just go to work for 35 years. Yes, he helps around the house. Yes, he pays the bills. Yes, he’s a good husband and a loving father. But we all know it is far easier to get up and leave the house first thing in the morning and come back at the end of the day then it is to juggle children and Work and House and life. I have done it all and now I am tired.

so I dream about retiring in the next couple of years. My dad has been retired for nearly 30 years, and in that time he has only done exactly what he wants on any given day. He basically has lived the life of a child with a comfortable bank balance. I doubt I would ever be as comfortably off him, but I know that I can’t carry on like this forever.

My favourite thing to do is to ride my bike because it makes me feel like a kid again. I’ve not done it nearly enough the last couple of years. I’m going to get my bike out and start riding again. If it ever stops raining!!!

Not me - I love being an adult, even though I've had heavy caring responsibilities. Those don't last forever, though.

Much of my childhood wasn't very nice, and I longed to have my own home. So for me, being an adult is much better. I love being able to eat what I want, go where I want, do what I want. Even with all the responsibilities, I wouldn't give up that freedom for anything.

Im early 50s and have gone through stages. I adored early motherhood but as my h ch listen are now adults and all disabled in some way (acquired and inherited) its been a huge change and I find myself resentful of the burden of caring continuing long past my parents ever had to. I don’t share this with them. I feel stuck, cooking meals, listening to problems, managing appointments. Never been able to work enough hours to accumulate a pension so panicking over my terrible retirement when it comes.
. It’s so tough. I hear you op.

Agree with this.

That's exactly how I feel, my 'in' tray is never empty.

I do often wonder if women feel this as adults more so than men?

Thank you. I do now yearn for the days when I will (hopefully) have more mental freedom from being there for everyone. I suppose that is why I think wistfully when I look back at my childhood, I wasn't holding anyone else up, no responsibilities at all.

I think your 50’s can be your hardest so far. Health starts to suffer, loss of parents, personality changes due to menopause, worry about adult children who you can’t take away their emotional pain from. I suffered anxiety through my life so my childhood want happy and carefree but I didn’t have responsibilities like I have had as an adult . Lately I have felt cursed too all the things going wrong.

I had an awful childhood but it does wear me down being in charge of everything (no partner so it’s all on me).

Even just simple things sometimes. Like I can never just go to bed. I always have to make sure the front door is locked, any windows closed, things switched off etc. I had a major household issue recently and it was all on me to sort. Left me exhausted and stressed. Sometimes I’d like a break from it all.

That said, I had to do a lot of adulting as a kid, very depressed mother, alcoholic father, a younger sibling that needed taking care of. But I had none of the “perks” of being an adult. At least now I can eat nice food, buy myself things, go on nice holidays etc. I’m probably less stressed and worried than I was as a kid. But it means I have never had that freedom from responsibilities. As a teen even, once I left school I had to find work, pay rent etc as no way was I living at home longer than I had to. It’s been a tiring life.

I’m just holding out for retirement now! (10 years to go). As at least then I won’t have to work. I don’t have to worry about caring for elderly parents, my dads dead, relationship with my mum is non existent, so I don’t have that burden. In retirement I really will be able to just please myself. I will obviously still need to be “in charge” but without work taking up mental and physical energy it should be easier.

I don't feel like that, no. That said, I don't have the responsibilities you have, in part because I choose not to. I don't have children and I refuse to look after my elderly parents, that isn't my job. I do think that a lot of people, especially women, have been sold a lie that they can 'have it all' when what is meant that they can 'do it all'. I realised this lie relatively early in my life, say late teens/early twenties and I made sure that I wouldn't be caught in the trap.