I don't enjoy being an adult? Does anyone else feel this way?

[Dreamingofnarrowboatlife]

I often wonder if this is a strange or unusual way to feel? It's not something you discuss in every day conversations so I have no idea.

I think I have felt this way for most of my adult life but it is getting worse now that I am in my early 50's. In many ways it's the sheer weight of responsibilities I suppose - being a parent, being a child of elderly/unwell and frail parents, money and job responsibilities, looking after and being responsible for your own health etc. There is a big 'responsibility' pattern here, I know. I have never enjoyed having responsibilities but they come with being a decent adult person, there is no getting away from them.

My dh says that when he was a child he could not wait to be an adult and has enjoyed every minute of it so far. In contrast I often say I would go back to my childhood years in a heartbeat but he says he couldn't think of anything worse. He had a good childhood as did I but he says he hated having decisions made for him and the lack of choice which comes from being a child. I, on the other hand hate making adult decisions and the consequences which can come from these, I don't like change or having to make any changes. I loved the freedom childhood gave me where decisions and responsibilities were made by someone else.

I know that does sound very immature but wonder if anyone else feels like this?

BTW, this is all internal, if you knew me you would think of me as a very responsible and adult person.

Sounds like you are carrying all of life's responsibilities and that this is playing out in your relationship. You should have a shared feeling of responsibility so that you are both roughly equally stressed out by things. It is all very lopsided in your relationship- you need to learn to take less responsibility, which might involve trusting your partner more, and he needs to learn to step up.

It seems a bit odd to frame your adult life in comparison with your childhood days.

To answer you question, I much prefer the self determination that comes with the freedom of adulthood. But I didn't yearn for it, I just grew into it.

Maybe if you feel overly burdened by life and your DH is skipping through it, then the load isn't evenly distributed?

I feel this every day of my life. I long for childhood and am drained by responsibilities. I don’t want to work, and wouldn’t if I could afford not to. I want to enjoy life and adulthood is so often unpleasant.

I dont think it sounds immature. Maybe you are spending so much time being responsible, do you ever carve out time where you can feel light and free like when you were a child? Does your husband have more free time therefore doesn't feel so weighed down by responsibility? Perhaps finding a time in the week to do something a bit silly and free. I know how you feel, I have a job that literally takes everything from me Mon-Fri - emotionally, physically and mentally. But you have to make time otherwise you will burn out.

No I’d not wish to be a child again and am with your husband.

it sounds like you don’t enjoy your life and get no pleasure from it.

No, I don't ever feel like that. Like your DH, I couldn't wait to grow up and be able to make my own decisions - I hated having to just go along with whatever was decided by my DPs. But I have always been very independent, self-sufficient and happy to make decisions. I can imagine that if you aren't then adulting would be a lot more onerous.

I do rather miss carefree childhood - and I think probably a lot of people do hence the whole “school days are the best days of your life”. Long summer holidays. Playing with friends. No big worries. I get it. There are good things about being an adult and I guess childhood’s temporary nature is what makes it both (1) special; and (2) possible. You’ll know that but I do understand the feeling you describe. My dad always said he was never older than 26 in his head (he lived until he was 70). My DS is in primary 5 and I keep saying to him that it was my favourite year of school ever. It was.

Top tip - go to the beach and fly a kite (get an easy fly one) - get some chips and an ice cream and go for a paddle.

I’m in the middle. I think I’d appreciate my childhood a lot more now than I did at the time 🤣

I find decision making difficult because my adhd brain throws up every probable outcome for consideration, and chatters away in the background all the time working everything out, whether I want it to or not.

DH is the opposite - loves to be in control, likes making decisions, has a mind like a laser and just goes for what he wants. I lean into that sometimes and just go with the flow. I’m very resourceful, and I’m not phased by difficulties - I can dig deep when things go wrong, and see opportunities and possibilities.

I was like your husband - I didn’t enjoy being a child and I couldn’t wait to grow up and have freedom to choose for myself. I do go through phases of really not enjoying being an adult though. I find responsibility to be very difficult, especially where finances and elderly relatives are concerned. I often fantasise about running away to Italy on my own and living like a 19 year old.

No, it's not like that at all, dh does a lot for us as a family and within our household.

As I have just explained, that is not the case at all. We both share our responsibilities it's just the way I have always felt though. I can not explain why but I have never enjoyed being an adult.

That is exactly how I feel.

I think that is why I enjoyed my dc younger lives so much, I felt that I could be a child again and indulge in more childhood pleasures.

Maybe I need to go fly that kite!

I should have probably added that my adult life has been somewhat blighted with some chronic health issues and I think that plays a big part. because with added life responsibilities they do weight me down somewhat.

I have had counselling and CBT to try to learn some kind of acceptance but it just doesn't feel the same as the 'free' days before my annoying health issues.

I wouldn't want to be a child again but being an adult isn't particularly thrilling either.
I think I would be much happier living on a small holding growing veg and raising animals, basically a simpler life where money and technology didn't play such a huge role in every decision.
I think humans are so far removed from the kind of lives we 'should' be living that some of us struggle to maintain the facade of happiness.
Obviously this is just me musing on my own personal feelings and I don't expect everyone would be happy pootling around in the mud with the animals 🤣

I think you are remembering childhood through rose tinted glasses

Sounds like you don’t like your life, not being an adult

Adult life has definitely been a disappointment except for having kids but even then when our kids were young, I feel that what should have been happier times was always overshadowed by work stress/ anxiety and financial worries.
I just think there is always something to stress and worry about although I am a natural worrier. We've had a lot of bereavements as we've got into our forties and fifties. Now there are worries about adult kids, elderly parent etc and the huge worry of getting older and health issues and not having enough money to retire comfortably when we need to !

I think life has just gotten really hard for adults. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up and have autonomy. My parents had a pretty nice life and I wanted it.
It's not the same nowadays. I teach 10 year olds and they often say they don't want to grow up. School is a fun and friendly place to be. Their parents take them to lovely activities and everything is very child-focused. They can see, even at 10, how crap adult life looks.
It wasn't always this way.

Do you feel on top of/in control of the various responsibilities that are getting you down? I know I feel better when I take steps to get on top of anything that feels like it's sliding out of control, whether it's money, health, something to do with the children, something at work, whatever.

And yes, once everything is under control then making time for fun is very important!

I didn’t have a carefree childhood. It was horrible, so I definitely don’t miss it.
I miss the freedom I had when I was a teenager/ young adult, being able to try new exciting things with little regard for the consequences, thinking life was a long list of possibilities and the feeling that my identity wasn’t a fixed thing but something I could mould and change.
But there’s lots of things I don’t miss about that age too.
I think you are idealising because you are stressed and unhappy with your life.
Having said that, you’re not wrong. Lots of being an adult is shit. It’s just pointless to draw comparisons and dwell on them. You can’t go back.

I wonder if it’s made worse coz you are framing it like being a child was good, adult bad. And that’s rubbish coz you know you can’t literally be a child again. So it feels like that fun and carefree life is gone. I’d try instead to think of the specific things you liked, and try to recreate that. Plus do new things - as a kid everything is new. So do something like going to the 3D imax, a dark sky experience, a mud bath. I dunno - something you haven’t done before and feels left field. To get that new experience kick. Don’t curate it too much. Coz as a kid you didn’t plan. Just go.

I hate certain responsibilities about adulthood too and am terrible at them - budgeting, ignoring letters for days (then finding out I have a parking fine that’s triple the cost it would’ve been if I’d just opened the damn letter when I got it), bills, doing my taxes. I detest it. I love the carefreeness of spending time with my 5 yo making things, going to funfairs, playing silly games. Seeing her joy and wonder makes me feel like a kid again. But I also love the parent part of it - caring for her, making all the decisions, and teaching her about the world. I liked being a little kid but I hated having no control over my life as a teenager because my parents made some terrible, selfish choices that massively affected the rest of my life that still fills me with resentment

I'm not talking about jobs or chores, I am talking about taking responsibility for things - it is a state of mind, something that can be changed. In your relationship you have an imbalance- you feel overburdened and your dh feels joyful/free. In relationships one person can carry something for both partners. Like in some couples one is excessively anxious and the other not at all, or one is excessively angry, the other timid. When the really anxious partner works on their anxiety and becomes less anxious the other partner almost by magic becomes more anxious. That is what I am suggesting that you both address together as a couple.

I get you @Dreamingofnarrowboatlife, being an adult is no fun, I hate it too!!
And like you, no one knows how I feel because I just keep doing what I do……