Do your adult kids owe you contact?

[Santee]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot amid the Beckham threads.

If you are a parent of adult children and you believe you have them a good, balanced upbringing and you were involved in their life, do you believe they owe you a relationship?

I’m NC with my Mum and that wasn’t a hard decision as she has been awful and abusive to me. However she would absolutely deny this until her last breath. I genuinely believe she believes she gave me the upbringing I listed above.

I don’t think I owe her anything due to her behaviour, however I don’t think I’d owe her anything regardless of this. But I’m not sure if my upbringing has warped my perception of an adult/parent relationship. So I was wondering if you think your children owe you a relationship because you raised them?

If they want to inherit my bloody house they do! 😆

I have 4 adult children and no, I don't think they 'owe' me a relationship. We do actually have a good relationship with each other, based on mutual respect and the fact that I try very hard not to make anything other than supportive comments to them. I have a tricky relationship with my own mother who is and always was constantly critical of me. I don't think anyone 'owes' anyone else anything.

I'd be sad if for any reason any of my children decided I was dreadful and they didn't want to see me any longer but I wouldn't push contact with them or anyone else who decided to cut me off. Relationships of any kind have to be a two way process.

My DD owes me respect. I've given her the best start in life. A happy secure childhood, good education. I've installed in her a work ethic, confidence, kindness and independence.

Whether she agrees is up to her!

I don't have adult children, but as an adult child myself, I don't think that I owe my mother a relationship... but I still want to keep in touch with her, and other relatives, because I like them! We don't talk every day, but there are messages, pictures, recipes, things that we think the other one(s) will enjoy... and it's nice like that!

If my dad was still alive, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. He made our lives an absolute misery, so it was a bit odd, but a relief when he died.

Ds doesn't owe me anything.

But he knows that there will always be food, a warm bed, and an unquestioning welcome for him and his friends as long as they are respectful. On that basis I'm fairly sure he'll be dropping in for at least the next decade.😊

Does it not depend on your relationship? I’ve seen both sides. Parents who are abusive, neglectful or absent don’t deserve contact, it’s up to the child if/when they resume contact. I’ve also seen people cut off their parents for minor differences which seems incredibly cruel.

I don't know about "owing" - that's not the word I'd use. But I do know that if my adult children (I have two, plus a 16yo) didn't want anything to do with me I would be absolutely devastated.

I don't think they owe a relationship but I do think that before going 'no contact' people do where possible owe the parent (assuming no abuse) a conversation and a chance to work out issues and make amends.

You only have one mother. She’s not just anybody. I would do everything you can to work on your relationship. If that doesn’t work, keep contact minimal.

On so so many of these occasions the child in the relationship would tell you there had been many conversations that led to the NC. The parent acts oblivious and unaware and claims they have no idea why their child has gone NC...

Why would you keep contact minimal rather than no contact? At what point do you go from one to another?

It’s not about owing, I think you are projecting your issues here. It’s just about people liking each other enough to spend free time together and that includes adult children.

In a way yes. In that I feel I owe it to my parents, and yet I do understand that my children don’t owe it to me. I see my parents, but out of duty I’d say. My dad would have no one otherwise, and that’s not fair or kind. My mum did so so much for us, worked her arse off for us, so yes, actually I’ve changed my mind, I owe them.

The ones who think they are owed contact are the ones who don't deserve it. I am LC with my Mum, despite the drama, I can't bring myself to go NC no matter how much my husband tells me I should.

On so so many of these occasions the child in the relationship would tell you there had been many conversations that led to the NC. The parent acts oblivious and unaware and claims they have no idea why their child has gone NC...

Then I think the child should write an email or letter explaining what they are doing and why. If the parent is left confused why they no longer hear from their child that is a bit cruel really. Parents do on the whole do a lot for their kids.

I don't think adult children owe their parents relationships. If they have been loved and treated with respect I'd hope they'd want a relationship but they absolutely don't owe it to them. That is completely separate to any thought of inheritance too, if a child doesn't want a relationship with their parents they likely aren't worried about not getting inheritance.

I say this as someone who has 2 siblings, one who doesn't have a relationship with our mam and one who has a very minimal relationship with our dad. I'm the only one who has good relationships with both parents.

I don't think anyone owes anyone else anything.

If you love your parents, you want to spend time with them. But not OWE it to them.

If anything, it's a bit more the other way. Parents made the choice to have children, so if anyone owes anything, it's the parents owing the child. But having said that, most of that debt is paid off when the child reaches adulthood, other than in times of emergency.

I had a good relationship as an adult with my parents (am now 53) until my Dad died a little over 2 years ago. Stuff my Mum did has damaged our relationship beyond repair - she doesn’t understand that the way she grieved hurt me - I didn’t expect her to do anything different because everyone’s grief journey is personal. But there are consequences of things she did. I’ve accepted that and gone LC but she doesn’t get it. So I don’t feel I owe her anything. As others, I am supportive of my adult kids and they seem to be happy to tell me about their lives and include me. It’s all hard to navigate, though.

No. The children didn't ask to be here. Great if there's a good relationship, but nothing is owed.

lots of these responses don’t reflect reality. There must be thousands of people caring for elderly parents, and they’re not doing it for fun. Love/family/respect/owe - I’m not sure which is the right word, but they’re doing it.

I think at least some of it is societal expectation, honestly.

I hope they will continue to want and choose to have relationship with me, but no, they owe me nothing.

But if the parent has been oblivious up to that point... why would they suddenly get insight then?

Agreed - a letter or email explaining why is a good idea, can’t be denied and can also be reflected upon.
Unless there has been abuse and/or neglect, it is cruel just to go NC - it’s avoidance, not an ending and can have repercussions not just for those directly involved but for other family members through the years.
Frankly, many threads about mothers and MILs on this site are brutal. I’ve seen posters that have said that they are LC just for childcare and/or an inheritance, some have said that the parents have done nothing wrong but that they just don’t like them. I’ve also seen threats to go NC if childcare or financial assistance isn’t offered. People in glass houses etc…..
These are not nice people and although no one is owed a relationship, we should all remember that we are showing our own children how to behave towards us and others when they are older.

My DD’s call me, visit me and generally care, i don’t expect a lot though, they have their own lives to live. Works both ways though as I’m not doing childcare etc (fortunately live far away)