Do your adult kids owe you contact?

[Santee]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot amid the Beckham threads.

If you are a parent of adult children and you believe you have them a good, balanced upbringing and you were involved in their life, do you believe they owe you a relationship?

I’m NC with my Mum and that wasn’t a hard decision as she has been awful and abusive to me. However she would absolutely deny this until her last breath. I genuinely believe she believes she gave me the upbringing I listed above.

I don’t think I owe her anything due to her behaviour, however I don’t think I’d owe her anything regardless of this. But I’m not sure if my upbringing has warped my perception of an adult/parent relationship. So I was wondering if you think your children owe you a relationship because you raised them?

Why?

Fortunately, this is why we have social services.

Sorry, are you asking why a parent should feed and home their child? 🫠

One of the most bizarre comments I’ve seen in a long time. You do realise that if you don’t know you’re pregnant, you have the baby and you can’t provide then you can hand them over to the state? That would be the kindest thing to do to a baby if you don’t want to feed and house it.

Babies are completely dependant on their parents. They will die without care. That’s why they owe them. Oh, and the laws against child neglect.

This thread is so eye opening, I will be involved in my parents elderly care, the absolutely shocking cases of elder abuse hit the news regularly. Elderly people are highly vulnerable and support from family can help them live independently. My parents have moved heaven and earth to support my husband and I, they adore our children and help wherever they can. Of course I'll be helping them when they need it. I do completely understand that relationships are complex, and for those who were treated abusively, had toxic relationships should not be obliged. But for me the centre of human experience is connection, and abandoning the people we love at their most vulnerable is really hard to contemplate.

As with most things you get out what you put in. My parents didn’t have a lot of money but they loved and cared for us. So now they are elderly I make sure I look out for them. Hoping this will follow with my children too but who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have two adult children (brought up nicely by me, a single parent). I don’t think they ‘owe’ me anything, but I would be very sad and upset if I never saw them or was never contacted by them. I know I am no longer the No.1 female in their lives as they are a) adult so I shouldn’t be, and b) both in serious relationships.

I know someone who thinks she is ‘owed’ but I didn’t relate to her mindset.

If we feel we have no responsibility, then why should we fund social services?

What the heck 😧

I can’t imagine the damage someone must have in their head to think adults (particularly the parent) don’t owe care to their baby or children. Shocking thought process.

What is wrong with you?

Yes. Why should parents support their children? Why do they owe them anything? The only argument so far has been ‘they chose to have them’ which is not always true.

Why keep contact at all?

Please don't answer "because you owe her for your life" because that will show that you have no idea how many people who have gone NC have no gratitude for having been given a life and would happily choose never having been born (which they would then know nothing about).

Because there are laws against neglect.

Individuals don’t owe strangers a duty of care, the state does. This enables individuals to not get to breaking point when caring. It helps women who aren’t able to provide for their children, it helps families who can’t provide for the elderly. It enables provisions to be put into place that families wouldn’t be able to. It’s collective self interest.

I am more than happy for my taxes to fund social services. I wouldn’t help wipe someone’s arse though, the two aren’t the same.

I really don’t think a child owes a parent anything tbh. Literally none of us asked to be born and parenting is an endeavour you undertake in the full knowledge that it’s a ‘thankless task’. There couldn’t be more narrative around how fucking awful it is. (I rather enjoy it and wish there was a more positive narrative around it).

I see my parents because I like them. I would hate for my kids to see me out of duty, not really wanting to be there. We don’t see FIL because he is toxic and one of his repeated lines is that ‘we gave you everything!’…. Er yeah FIL, except you didn’t give him (DH) a happy father son relationship did you 😂 a pretty critical missing piece. We’re not gonna waste time seeing him I’m afraid.

Yet you do not answer the question. Pp have repeatedly stated they owe nobody a relationship or support.

What has happened to make you think ignoring a baby’s or child’s needs so it dies is ok? Even a baby born out of assault shouldn’t suffer for another’s evil doing. Obviously no one should expect the victim to care for it but we are not so inhumane as to put it out in the woods to die. Even in assault cases why would that make it a blanket ‘why should parents care for their babies’?

It’s a very warped way of thinking and thankfully you are not the norm in that mindset.

So you do feel some duty towards others then?

What’s the question you think I haven’t answered?

You are missing the point. I am asking why, if we owe nothing to anyone and no one a relationship, you think parents do owe something to children? Why are children an exception but elderly parents are not?

I feel duty towards what I birthed and the man I married. That’s it.

I also have a duty to follow the law regardless of if I want to.

My taxes pay for social services. I am happy that they pay for them because I think it takes the burden off everyone else, BUT If I was given the option not to pay taxes I wouldn’t 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn’t willingly choose to be responsible for the rest of society.

I find this thread chilling. I had neglectful parents who were quite abusive at times. I have no real relationship with my mother but now I’m the only one nearby who helps her. She’s nearly 89 and I have never enjoyed spending time with her. Now she is afraid, lonely and beginning to lose her faculties.
I had a period of NC when I was younger as I couldn’t cope with either of my parents.
My brother lives 20 miles away and sees her about once a year. He will help her with fixing things when he’s there but that’s it.
I am her unofficial administrator and ‘fixer’. She calls me when things break down or when she’s panicking. She tries her best to cope but now can’t lift things , is confused about everything and has had a couple of falls. There is no way I would have her live with us and don’t spend much time with her chatting or taking her out. I feel very guilty about that but there is such a history of fallings out and hurt I am very wary.
Much as I frankly dislike her, I would not just leave her to rot. She has friends but in the end I am her daughter and I feel a responsibility. I don’t know how anyone could live with themselves to just to ignore a desperate elderly person who can’t cope .
One day we will all be in this position. It’s easy to say we wouldn’t ask our children for any help, but wait until you get into that situation.

I would do everything I could to avoid being a burden to my own children, but it is highly I won’t need them at all. It’s the circle of life.

No, I don't think so.

I am fortunate enough to have a very loving relationship with my adult dc, but she didn't ask to be born - that was my choice, not hers.

If she ever chose to go NC with me, I would either conclude that I must have done something very, very wrong when raising her or I would be very concerned about her potentially being caught in a controlling and coercive relationship with someone who was deliberately seeking to alienate her from potential sources of support.

I do of course sincerely hope that my lovely daughter will always want to maintain a relationship with me, but I don't think she owes me anything.

Highly unlikely

So once again we come back to the reason for our duty towards our children only comes from the choice to have them? So if we did not make that choice we would have no duty?

I never said elderly parents shouldn’t be looked after (but it does depend a lot on how good a parent they were).

I see what you are doing now. You are equating people’s lack of wanting to care for elderly parents as the same as let’s not bother caring for babies and children, after all same difference.

Well it’s not the same at all! I looked after my mother till her death, I don’t want my kids to go through that with me. Looking after my mother was actually traumatising. I didn’t have the skills or stomach for it. When I had a baby I knew nothing about babies but nature’s instincts kicked in and cleaning up after them and changing their nappies was in no way traumatising, even when it’s contents were all over me.

I see what you are pulling.

I think we have general duties as citizens to look after the elderly and the vulnerable etc. But I don't think adult children have any special duties towards their parents.

I care for my elderly father and also another elderly relative who doesn't have children of her own. I do so because that is my choice, and not because I consider it to be my duty.

As to your question, yes, I think the specific choice to have children does create a special duty on the parents to raise and care for that child. That doesn't mean that we don't have wider duties as citizens to ensure that all children in our society are appropriately cared for.