Do your adult kids owe you contact?

[Santee]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot amid the Beckham threads.

If you are a parent of adult children and you believe you have them a good, balanced upbringing and you were involved in their life, do you believe they owe you a relationship?

I’m NC with my Mum and that wasn’t a hard decision as she has been awful and abusive to me. However she would absolutely deny this until her last breath. I genuinely believe she believes she gave me the upbringing I listed above.

I don’t think I owe her anything due to her behaviour, however I don’t think I’d owe her anything regardless of this. But I’m not sure if my upbringing has warped my perception of an adult/parent relationship. So I was wondering if you think your children owe you a relationship because you raised them?

If my mum and I were different people with different values hobbies likes etc it would be hard to find a common ground but yes I would be respectful to the woman /dad who raised me and did all that hard grunt work and kept me alive.

If my parent was toxic negative and never felt loved then no I woukdnt.

OP if you get a chance, watch the Sidney Poitier/Katharine Hepburn film Guess who’s coming to dinner. When SP’s character speaks to his father at the end. Stayed with me for a long time.

My adult kids don't owe me anything! I hope they spend time with us because they want to, not out of any feeling of obligation. I'm always happy to see them and don't make demands on them - they have busy lives and jobs, friends, go to the gym etc so I'm always happy if they pop in. They sometimes come round and cook for us all (they're great cooks) and watch a football match or a movie with us. They are my favourite people to spend time with ❤️

No, it's a very selfish thing to make a person exist in this world to cure your own loneliness (which is what every parent does). We are lucky if our children forgive us and want to spend time with us.

Yes I do think we owe our parents - both generally as a society that we should look after our elderly, and specifically our own parents. I think it is a great shame that we have become so selfish that it should be considered odd to feel a responsibility towards others. Most societies take it for granted that children should look after their parents when parents cease to be able to look after them.

Our parents had us because they wanted to. We owe them nothing.

As a Mum who has literally gone to the other side of the world to keep contact/ hugs etc I would be crushed if child went NC . Am not sure (unless obvious abuse )why a child would do that to their parents! Definitely not anything that I have ever experienced amongst my peers.

I love my parents but I won’t be looking after them when they become elderly. I think it’s incredibly selfish to expect that from your child. I don’t want my child to ever feel like they have to look after me in old age.

I know so many friends who have caring responsibilities and it’s not something they enjoy. In fact I think they only do it to protect their inheritance. The amount of stress I’ve seen this put on their marriages, jobs and own children is insane. I would rather be placed in a nursing home than do that to my child.

I’m sure when the time comes you won’t feel like that. Your parents brought you up and sacrificed for you. When they need you, you would have to be pretty cold and selfish to turn your back.

What an incredibly selfish attitude .

I didn’t have children to cure my own loneliness. What an odd attitude

No, they don't. I see people on here actually arranging their lives around elderly parents, which is wild to me.

Nobody is "owed" a relationship, just as nobody is "owed" an inheritance. All relationships are different, so we each have to work it out for ourselves.

That would be the case if they neglected you or put you up for adoption. But most parents don’t do that. Most parents sacrifice loads of things for themselves to give their children the best they can in life. And despite the suggestions on MN to throw them out and cut them off at 18, they continue to support their children in adulthood too. Most children also love their parents. I am sorry this wasn’t the case for you.

You don’t need to be doing day to day care to be making an impact on an elderly parent’s life. A lot of people can’t just quit their jobs and become full time carers. But having someone to be an advocate and aware when you are weak or incapacitated makes a real difference. Someone to help evaluate options and get things organised who is honest and has the elderly person’s best interests at heart is huge.

Hmm. I think if you had a good start in life and a decent upbringing it is more about respect to keep in touch. But I do think there is justification to walk away in some circumstances.

I only have one DC, I don't think she 'owes' me a relationship. However, I'd like to think things are such that she wants to see me and for us to do things together. We only live about 3 miles apart, but only see eachother every three weeks or so but regularly message and speak every week or so - that's fine, we're both busy, and I don't want her feeling she has to see me.

My daughter went NC during a time of immense stress for her and her partner, but she told me why beforehand. That’s all long over now but whilst my heart ached for her during that time, I’m so glad she felt able to communicate that she only had time for themselves. Family is about moving together through life not being ‘owed’.

My dd doesn't owe me anything. Having a baby was my choice and I've done my best as a parent. It's up to her to judge if I add enough value to remain in contact once she's independent. I really hope so but it's in her hands.

I think young adults are often inherently selfish. They don’t appreciate the sacrifices others may have made on their behalf and are able to move through the world independent of any help or need for support. The idea of dependence is abhorrent - perhaps it is a natural instinctive thing a bit like in young adolescents male lions to encourage them to move away from their pride. But human relationships and co-dependence are the fabric of society and this selfishness may explain a lot of what is wrong with it.

No, I won’t. I love them very much but have made it very clear I will not uproot my life to help them become dependant on me. I put this boundary down when they divorced and I will put it down again if they need care. I have told my Mum to make provisions for herself as she gets older ie with money because I won’t be doing it.

My parents, in particular my Mum, are very needy people. I took this into consideration when we decided to move hours away from my home town and it was part of the reason I wanted to move.

Bringing me up has nothing to do with it, I didn’t ask to be born. That was a decision my parents made together and sacrificing for your child isn’t the behaviour of a saint. It should be the bare minimum you do when you have children. I sacrifice for my children every day and I am not tallying this up for when I get older to cash in against them.

Absolutely this 100%. Good for you for drawing this boundary early on. Stand firm.

Not neglecting or putting up for adoption? That's the absolute bare minimum. Children don't ask to be born. I can spot the entitled parents on here who expect their kids to put them front and centre. Newsflash, what you call 'sacrifice' is just being a parent, and in these days of free contraception, it is not compulsory.

Bringing me up has nothing to do with it, I didn’t ask to be born. That was a decision my parents made together and sacrificing for your child isn’t the behaviour of a saint. It should be the bare minimum you do when you have children.

Why should sacrificing be the bare minimum you do when you have children? Why do you owe them anything beyond ensuring basic food and shelter is provided by someone? Or why even that? You might not have chosen to have them, lots of women don’t realise until late pregnancy. Why do you think parents should owe their children anything even as babies? And if parents don’t, why should the rest of society?

Is this a serious post? Parents owe their children everything, if they don't put them first then they are frankly scum.