Do your adult kids owe you contact?

[Santee]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot amid the Beckham threads.

If you are a parent of adult children and you believe you have them a good, balanced upbringing and you were involved in their life, do you believe they owe you a relationship?

I’m NC with my Mum and that wasn’t a hard decision as she has been awful and abusive to me. However she would absolutely deny this until her last breath. I genuinely believe she believes she gave me the upbringing I listed above.

I don’t think I owe her anything due to her behaviour, however I don’t think I’d owe her anything regardless of this. But I’m not sure if my upbringing has warped my perception of an adult/parent relationship. So I was wondering if you think your children owe you a relationship because you raised them?

Of course. They’re still my child and I’ll always love them. My love for them is not based on how they treat me. It’s deeply, biologically rooted within me. I’m not giving inheritance based on who did things for me. It’s their birthright as far as I’m concerned. I wouldn’t withhold money any more than I would withhold love. Hopefully they will want and choose relationship with me, if they don’t, there will be good reason. I know them well, and I trust their judgment.

I didn't send my mother a letter or email, because I knew it would end up plastered over social media and every word would be weaponised against me; she'd search it for any hint of a potential slight and delight in telling everyone how awful I was, or say that the things I was saying were outright lies.

That meant that I couldn't be vulnerable or honest in anything I wrote, and at that point, what's the point in writing if it has to be a pack of lies to avoid being weaponised against me?

I've already told DD that she doesn't owe me anything. I hope she'll want to contact me, but there's never an obligation or an expectation of how often.

@Teafortime Ime at the point where you're dealing with a parent who will start calling you a "liar" and "attention seeking" you're already dealing with people who have no idea how to run a constructive relationship.

I was going to say "when they call an adult a liar" but then thought ... well you don't speak like that to children either, do you. Not if you want a warm and loving bridge between you, no matter how much you have to lovingly correct certain child-related behaviours.

The rest of it, shouting at you to get out of the house and never come back, the (in my case) violence, the screaming, the shouting, is just the dramatic stuff that is a short hand to try to explain to luckier people why you step back.

But the fundamental schism with your nearest and should-be-dearest comes when they start insulting and blaming you instead of listening. After that it's just a matter of defining the degree of distance, and trying to cope with the "but it's your mum!" brigade. (who have been known to obliviously repeat "but it's your mum!" after I pointed out that there were knife marks in all the kitchen chairs, that her children had to climb over the kitchen table to get away from her when she had a knife, etc etc).

I think it's depends on the relationship. I feel I "owe" my dad care. He certainly wasn't perfect but I love him and I feel lucky to have him. He has loved me, been there on the end of a phone when I need to talk, helped me financially when I needed it, taught me to drive, been my taxi when I need him. I don't feel like I owe him personal care but I do owe him a similar level of care that he has shown me - financial, social, time, ensuring he has good living conditions, help with tech etc
All things he has provided for me.
My mother on the other hand...she would claim she gave us a wonderful childhood and provided everything we needed and sacrificed herself for us. In reality she was selfish, cruel and when I was 17 made me leave home. I went NC there and then and have never regretted it. Over the years there were many many many incidents which justified my decision luckily.
I can objectively look back 25 years on and say I was a good child and did nothing to justify that. I could also argue nothing could justify treating a child like that.
Did I write her a letter? No, but as she was packing my stuff in binbags and dumping it outside I did make sure to tell her that if she did this to me that would be the end of our relationship, so I'd like to think she knew why I went no contact.
I do sometimes ponder if I feel I am owed any inheritance from her. Sometimes I feel like I am, I had to go through so many life stages without a mother and I feel like I should be compensated for that...then other items I give myself a shake and think it was my decision so she can leave it all to a donkey sanctuary if she wants. She's an incredibly selfish woman who would never dream of giving it to charity and she has driven away all her family and I believe most friends so I do wonder where her money will go...

Sorry I do need to add - my mother would absolutely tell anyone who would listen that she has no idea at all why no one she is related to speaks to her.