The Newborn Experience

[Elephant768]

I’m really looking forward to meeting our baby boy (less so looking forward to child birth) but I know the end product will be worth it.

so many people in my personal life, Mums, MILs, colleagues have all said that “I’ll be begging for help” and that the newborn phase is really tough whenever I say I’m looking forward to it. Of course I’ve seen stuff on mumsnet and the internet too! I just see / hear more negative stuff than not and I don’t even have social media

I don’t doubt for a second that it’ll be tough at all, but I almost feel insane for looking forward to it when everyone seems to say it’s the ‘worst’ part so to speak. From my personal experience (and OK I’ve never been a mum or breastfed and have only briefly interacted with babies) but my current perception is that newborns are easier compared to say, toddlers who are charging around the place and asking a million questions. At least with a newborn, they feed, cry,, sleep and poo. But maybe that is the hard part.

it’ll be nice to hear any positive stories about the newborn weeks / months but equally any horrible ones so I know what to expect! I’m going into motherhood with a positive attitude but of course very mindful of the fact that so many people wouldn’t say it’s hard unless it wasn’t! But hard doesn’t necessarily mean bad, right?

Bar any physical or developmental issues, of course it depends on your birth experience (traumatic? Straightforward? Emergency c-section?) and also the temperament of your baby (easy going? Fussy? Colicky? Reflux?).
Say you have an average birth and an average baby - fussy at times but not suffering from colic or reflux. Then you’ll be fine - babies don’t move, and just need love, cuddles, food, sleep and to be kept clean. They don’t need to be entertained much (just being in the world is entertaining enough), they don’t need to be monitored for anything life threatening (climbing shelves, putting bits in their mouths - they can’t move, though some do roll over surprisingly young). I’m not saying you put them down and ignore them - of course not. You need to play and interact and talk to your baby. But you need a shower? Put them in their cot and just have one. You need to do some tidying? Put them on a playmat/playpen/moses basket,sling and get on with it. You need to take a nap? That may be more tricky. Probably the worst thing, and it shouldn’t be minimised, is sleep deprivation while your child learns to figure out the difference between night and day. Routine is crucial here. Start a bed time routine from day one. Trust me, persevere and you will be rewarded. But by and large I found babyhood the easiest period. I could still go out and about, just with the added pushchair and bag of nappies/change of clothes etc. And my second baby did have reflux and seemed pretty unhappy for the first three months, plus I had a 20 month old toddler, and he WAS in that ‘I’m going to throw myself off the top of the sofa’ phase. Still, babyhood fine.
Toddlerhood is an exercise in damage control (do they all have a death wish)? Why why why on repeat. Golden years are 4-8/9, when they still think you are the sun moon and stars, are at school so are busy learning and growing, then wowsa it’s where did my sweet kid go? 12 up and an alien has taken over and you may not recognise your child for a few years - this is psychologically the worst time, and the hardest in my opinion. Your ‘child’ may look like a young adult and think they can act like one but their brains do not function on a sensible level, they experience friendship drama, alcohol, first love, exam stress, what the hell do I want to do with my life (as EVERYONE will be asking them). Maybe even drugs and a brush with the law. They are no longer controllable. Their decisions may not be your decisions. And you may not like them very much.
18-20 they start coming back. They start to get their tempers and wilfulness under control. They may have left home and might start to appreciate all you do for them (like when they discover toilets are not self cleaning, you have to plan meals within a budget, shop, cook and tidy up. Sheets need regular changing etc). That no one is going to be their alarm clock and ask why they have missed four lectures in a row or where’s their homework.
Anyway, you’ll be fine, but accept offers of help if you like. Certainly a few meals that are oven ready would be appreciated.
And congratulations!

I guess it depends on the baby. It's true that you're dealing with broken sleep but you can usually nap during the day so long as you drop any expectations on yourself with regards to cooking and cleaning. Newborns sleep about 18 hours a day so there is time as long as you use the time they sleep to sleep yourself. When I had my daughter, my whole focus was on feeding her and getting enough sleep. DH did all the nappy changes until he went back to work and all I did was sat there on a nursing chair with Netflix on in the background feeding her round the clock. Breastfeeding is a lot of hours- more than a full time job- but it's not exactly hard work.

I think the newborn phase is very, very hard if you either have a baby who is colicky or has other problems or if you set up unrealistic expectations of what the baby will do (e.g. try to get a feeding or nap schedule set up in the first few months) or what you will do (e.g. thinking you can use maternity leave to write a book, or that you can carry on with all your usual hobbies and housework as usual.)

My first baby was easy. He slept well, he appeared to have read the textbook on how to be a baby in utero so I was well rested and very much enjoyed my time with him. I absolutely didn’t need others, although was grateful to a friend who bought us some dinners round the first couple of days.

My second baby was the complete opposite. He didn’t sleep at all, I got severe PND, he was just really hard work. I remember my friend spotting my feeding record about a week after giving birth. He was shocked and said no wonder I was tired - literally all day and all night he was feeding for around 20 mins , stopped for 20-30 mins, then wanted to go again. In the hospital they had to take him away from me for a few hours so that I could try to get some sleep because it was just constant - and I’d been told to feed on demand, so I was. Breastfeeding was so, so painful - I HATED it. I didn’t manage it with my first as he wouldn’t or couldn’t latch on, so I had expressed for him which was hard work. I remember every feed with my second sobbing uncontrollably because it hurt so much. I tried expressing so my husband could give a bottle and give me a break - I looked down and blood was pouring out of my nipple with the milk.

No-one can guarantee what sort of experience you will have. Some babies are easy, others are harder work. Some women take to motherhood like a duck to water, others find it such a radical change it’s overwhelming to start with. Don’t worry if you don’t find it easy instantly - that sort of thinking can destroy your confidence. Take each day as it comes and get as much sleep as you can - sleep makes all the difference in how much you enjoy it!

I love newborns and yes, it is hard, but the “begging for help” normally comes from a place of people wanting to cuddle or even give a bottle to your baby, not people wanting to clean your house. The thing is that for most people, there’s no way around the tirednessand it’s best to just ride it and remember not to use heavy machinery or attempt neurosurgery. If you are breastfeeding it’s normally feeding that leads to the exhaustion and that can’t be subbed out. Irrespective of how you feed your newborn, it’s very normal to feel very stressed when your baby isn’t with you, - it is essential for the survival of the species as they are utterly useless and very demanding so maternal hormones and instinct are usually overwhelming. As the baby becomes less fragile it reduces somewhat. Just because you are anxious when your 5 week old is out of sight doesn’t mean that you will be when they are 14 months or that they’ll be living with you when they are 50 wearing matching fleeces with you.

It really helps to remind yourself that this time is precious and if the house is a mess, your hair is greasy and you are tired, this impacts not one little bit on your baby and in time all that will go back to normal. It’s okay to have days when you do very little after a bad night - although getting out if the house can do wonders for mood.

It’s impossible to predict how it will hit you, I have friends whose lives hardly seemed to change with the baby and both baby and mother were out and about doing all sorts very happily. Other are more pole-axed and hibernate a bit. There is no right or wrong. I know some people are happy to leave newborns with wider family for a couple of hours but I don’t know anyone personally who did it. It wasn’t a “rule” I don’t think, they just didn’t want to until the baby was older. Mine were about 3 months I think before I left them with my mum to go out for dinner. It seemed a huge thing and I rang her from a pay phone between courses 😂

I loved giving birth, it makes me sad that we are only having 1 and I will never experience it again.

And again I loved the newborn stage. Its fleeting so try to absorb every second, take lots of photos and video. Before you know it the first few weeks are gone and you have a chubby, smiling baby.

We didn't have any help, I still haven't spent any time apart from our toddler who is 2. I cosleep and breastfeed. Not everyone is the same, not everyone needs a break.

It's hard. It's the change that's hard. Life is not the same anymore. You might be knackered (a type of knackered that you just can't explain unless you've been there, sore, emotional) Your life is completely taken over, but you just have to go with the flow! But you might also be happy, filled to bursting with love and all that good stuff! It's a very joyous time too, enjoy it :)

I loved the newborn stage. When I ook back though I think its becuase it was just me and baby I was living hours away from family my mum and dad were unwell and didn't live with baby's dad so we didnt have endless visitors and people fussing around. Baby was content and we established a good routine early on

I was told it would be very difficult and I'm glad I went into it with that mindset. I was braced for hell on earth but found it very manageable, if not enjoyable, because my expectations were so low.
Having said that, there were plenty of days when I thought I'd collapse with exhaustion and I used to dread the nights.
The first few weeks I was on such a high of adrenaline that it was amazing. Once real life settles in, it can get really tough. The days are very long and the newborn snuggles can lose their appeal somewhat. All you want to do is close your eyes but you can't because you are holding the most precious thing on earth and you can't risk it.
You watch the clock for your partner to return from work and if he's even a minute late, you feel like you're going to cry.
The days when the baby won't stop crying are so awful. Imagine holding a crying baby for 10 hrs while exhausted. It feels criminal that anyone should go through that.
But then there are lovely calm days and lots of 'firsts' which make you wonder how you thought life had any meaning before your LO arrived.
It's a rollercoaster!

There are tough parts, particularly the pain of being dragged out of much needed sleep, cracked nipples/painful boobs, not knowing why they are crying etc.

But mostly it's a lovely phase as there is also plenty of time for cuddles, dressing them up in cute outfits, going for walks in the pram (dd loved this, ds did not and did much better once he was old enough to see where he was going in a pushchair or outward facing baby carrier), they are still very portable so you can do parent/baby cinema mornings where the films are aimed at the parent rather than the child or go out for dinner.

Get a good baby carrier and if you are breastfeeding have a plan for feeding when out and about if you are not comfortable with whipping your boobs out in public e.g. you can get tops that discreetly unclip to make this easier. I found having a lightweight baby bouncer was really useful for popping the baby in so you can keep them in eyesight while having a quick shower or cooking. Also a huge stash of muslins, which seem to come in handy for everything from covering the boob to catching fountains of milk/wee/sick etc.

Everyone is different. I personally find the first 6 months the easiest and the toddler years and up harder. But others say the opposite. I love the newborn phase personally, dont let what others say worry you!

For me the hardest part was the anxiety of the unknown... was baby ok? was she feeding ok? sleeping ok? etc.. etc...
with my second I kind of knew everything was ok and so was able to enjoy more.

Oh I wish.
its the navigating responsibility, friendships, relationships and all the hormones. 2 teenage girls and it’s hard work. It’s actually harder then caring for my high needs autistic son.

I found the newborn periods really lovely and tiring, yes but not horrific. I had 2 very different babies - first was very very velcro and I ended up having to cosleep and he wanted to breastfeed approx every 10 minutes. The second was very textbook and mostly slept through by about 3/4 months.

I think with a newborn, you don't feel you have to go to baby classes or anything, you can feel proud for just a trip to the shops or you can stay in all day, anything goes. You can just spend lots of time staring at and snuggling your new baby and introducing them to family etc.

I found around 4 months I hit a bit of a wall - higher expectations for myself of getting out and about, keeping the house, cooking, being on top of stuff but with a few months of broken sleep behind you. Even with my second who started sleeping through.

Just be really kind to yourself and make sure your DH/DP realises it's a big thing keeping a human alive and that it might not be a linear process!

It depends on a baby. Some are horrible screamers who can't sleep without movement and some are very calm and happy. Some toddlers are feral and on the go all the time and some are quietly playing Lego. Accept all the help offered.

Toddlers are quite possibly harder than newborns when all other variables are removed from the equation, but with a newborn you're having to get over the physical impact of late pregnancy and birth. That complicates matters!

I think just go in with no preconceptions. People do have different views about the various stages, and you might feel completely differently to the woman over the road even if you have identical experiences (you won't).

I found newborn days fairly easy (granted I had a straightforward birth, eventually got the hang of breastfeeding and had babies that didn’t sleep but I could nap and it was a novelty and my expectations of sleep were low and I could rest if not sleep).

I found I needed more help once they were 18months - 2.5 (mobile, still didn’t sleep and by then I was over the sleep deprivation, I expected more sleep by then so found it harder, needed eyes on them at all times so I rest etc).

I’d have 20 newborns but definitely not 20 toddlers 🤣 that said, also don’t fret because whilst I found the toddler years far harder, they also have such hilarious personalities that it gets you through!

DS1 was a very calm baby. He fed, slept 3-4 hours, fed again, slept again. I was actually a bit bored!
Then DS2 came along and screamed non stop for the first 2 years of his life. How you will feel really does depend on your baby and birth.
Accept help when it's offered. I was very possessive of DS1 and would barely let anyone look at him, let alone hold him or take him for a walk in the pram. Unfortunately I pushed a lot of people away and when I desperately needed help when DS2 came along, no one was there.

It's the sleep deprivation that got me. Loved having a squidgy baby, we had feeding issues which were upsetting and stressful and at times I was desperate for dp to return from work as I felt so alone. But it was the broken sleep that was the hardest. From there on in, challenges came and went and new ones came - every child is different.

You can love having a newborn and all the cuddles at the same time as being massively knackered and finding things difficult. Just take it as it comes and minimise expectations, but prepare for stuff to hurt / tiredness etc.

It’s so overwhelming as a new parent… especially mums because we do get the “just you wait” “newborns are the trenches” “terrible 2’s will make you want to pull your hair out” “you’ll never sleep again!”

It’s really important to ignore all of these comments.

Every experience is so different.

For me, 3-5 months were the hardest. My 2.5 year old is great, I love this phase. Newborn was a big change yes some days I cried, but my baby slept through from 3 weeks old so all the people that told me I’d never sleep again were wrong.

Every child is so different, I am pregnant again so who knows what baby number 2 will be like!

Some people absolutely adore the newborn stage, some will hate it, some will not even remember it as they were so out of it. You will have your own experience.

Childbirth / c section neither are easy but also try and not to expect the worst either x

I enjoyed the newborn experience so much with my second, but found it pretty horrendous and stressful with my first - probably because I didn't really understand how short it really is! Hopefully you'll have a lovely time - sitting and cuddles is all you really need to do!! Xx

I have five children and will say it just totally depends on the baby. My first baby had colic which I was completely unprepared for, had no idea what it even was and I felt helpless and also hopeless most of the time. I developed PND and remember wanting to drown myself in the bath because I was alone with him all day just crying and nothing I did helped him. That’s dark, I’m sorry but it was relentless and I really struggled.

It got easier with subsequent children and obviously I wouldn’t have been crazy enough to have so many had it traumatised me that much! My youngest child was a very quiet baby, he barely even cried at birth so much so they were worried about him. He was just really quiet, barely cried, really easy to manage and lovely to be around.

Breastfeeding can be tough, painful and also relentless. I did it with all of them though, some more successfully than others. Youngest two were breastfed until they were two. So yeah, depends on the baby. Some cry constantly, others are quiet.

Depends on the baby. One of mine was colicky, crying constantly, never slept, vomited, pooed nonstop day and night etc etc. The other was a bliss. Toddler years were fine for both despite everyone telling me how hard it's going to be. Every child is different.

I definitely wasn’t begging for help. I would have hated everyone in my space meddling.

But the first 8 weeks or so are really hard because it’s 24/7. There’s no night and day, only 2 hour chunks of time between feeds. I barely brushed my teeth the first few weeks. What can make it especially tricky is having a partner who is not engaged and sharing the load. Dh literally took the babies between feeds and I slept. He’d walk around the lounge in circles for 4 hours so I could get sleep before he handed baby off at 1am to get some sleep before work.

It’s just constant all the time with no breaks. If you have a partner who plans to still be at the gym every night or off on a stag do and leaving you to do everything because he’s a man and doesn’t think his life will change, you will struggle.

That said, I’m not sure the newborn phase was the hardest. 8-12 months was particularly rough with my first. The toddler years probably would have been harder too if I was a SAHP but mine were in nursery, so I did get a break and to live my normal life again.

It’s hard in a different way to toddlers.
I also think nobody gets it until you’ve been there. It’s the sleep deprivation, when you have just been through childbirth and are in pain, you can’t just sleep and recover because you have a baby to look after. Newborns are completely dependent on you too, sometimes you can’t even put them down.
Of course you will love them and newborns are lovely, but omg hard work!!

One of the trickiest things is sleep deprivation, so to a large extent, how you cope with that, and how well your toddler sleeps will affect which you find harder. A newborn waking hourly, but you can stay at home and have the occasional nap in the day is hard. But a toddler waking hourly (mine did), whilst working and chasing after them is next level. If your toddler (or baby) sleeps well, then you can deal with most stresses in the day.

Some babies will start sleeping through at 6 weeks. Some 6 months, some not until 6 years (or more). Some will start off well and then their sleep gets worse. Sleep is the key.