The Newborn Experience

[Elephant768]

I’m really looking forward to meeting our baby boy (less so looking forward to child birth) but I know the end product will be worth it.

so many people in my personal life, Mums, MILs, colleagues have all said that “I’ll be begging for help” and that the newborn phase is really tough whenever I say I’m looking forward to it. Of course I’ve seen stuff on mumsnet and the internet too! I just see / hear more negative stuff than not and I don’t even have social media

I don’t doubt for a second that it’ll be tough at all, but I almost feel insane for looking forward to it when everyone seems to say it’s the ‘worst’ part so to speak. From my personal experience (and OK I’ve never been a mum or breastfed and have only briefly interacted with babies) but my current perception is that newborns are easier compared to say, toddlers who are charging around the place and asking a million questions. At least with a newborn, they feed, cry,, sleep and poo. But maybe that is the hard part.

it’ll be nice to hear any positive stories about the newborn weeks / months but equally any horrible ones so I know what to expect! I’m going into motherhood with a positive attitude but of course very mindful of the fact that so many people wouldn’t say it’s hard unless it wasn’t! But hard doesn’t necessarily mean bad, right?

Well of course it’s beautiful and brilliant. But it’s just a lot. You will laugh more than you have before, you will also cry more than you have before. You will sleep more than you have before, but get less sleep than you have before. It’s just everything all in one. And that’s a lot.

I think the issue particularly with the first one is it’s a fast learning curve, and psychologically challenging. It’s as much about you and your new life (or complete lack of it) than it is about the baby itself.

It’s just new. Not bad. But your whole life turned upside down.

If you have a second then that one’s really delicious and scrunchie. If you can manage that with the first that’s great but I think lowered expectations and a bit of fear are not a bad place to start.

I loved the newborn stage too. To look at this little human that I had grown and was keeping alive just from my boob (I breastfed 2/4 of my dc so I had similar feelings for my bottle fed dc too) I felt I had super human powers and it made me realise how fucking awesome women are for going through it all - definitely the stronger sex and made me realise that we should never knock another mum’s choices re breast/bottle, work/sahm, disposable nappies/washable, pouches or jars/homemade food etc
Between my 4dc I have done all of the above depending on what suited my family at the time and my dc have all turned out fine.
Women are amazing! 💪

Agree. I never begged for help.

I didn't cry a lot either 🙄 Not everyone's experiences are the same.

OP I think it so totally depends on what baby you ‘get’.

I’ve had 2 remarkably relaxed babies (indeed I hosted Christmas dinner this year with a 5 week old no bother). But the toddler years absolutely kill me…. What make mine relaxed as babies - happy to be held by anyone, happy to play and explore new things without fear- make them wild 18months to 3.5 year olds 🙃

It was the loss of autonomy for me. It hit me like a brick wall. I thought I'd be able to shove baby in carrier/pushchair and go about my business. Stupid woman.

I mean, to some extent you can, but babies take soooo much longer to care for than you'd imagine. My little one seemed firmly stuck to my breast for hours at a time, then he'd bring it all back up (severe reflux) so then you're changing clothing again and again, and they they do a huge poo that explodes and you start all over again. It took me 2 hours to get ready to pop to the shops once. By the time I was ready to leave I was a mess of tears and defeat. My baby slept badly, and that really impacted me, so that made everything feel worse.

My child is now 3 and I can honestly say I love it. I find it so much easier parenting a toddler. Of course it brings it's own challenges, but a child who has the ability to talk, listen and do things for themselves is unmeasurably easier - to me anyway.

I have friends who would give their right arm to go back to new-born days and are wishing the next year or two away because the toddler stage is HARD. We're all different and how we cope with all situations is different. So I'd just say try to level all your expectations. By all means look forward to it, it's your experience, not anyone elses - but it might not be quite how you picture it to be.

Toddler years kill me too 😂
Give me newborns or teens any day of the week! 🙈

Against the general grain but I loved it. We were very lucky, a reasonably good sleeper and no issues with reflux or colic or anything like that. DH had 6 weeks paternity which is standard where we are and was amazing. We’ve no family nearby so no outside help of any kind but we didn’t actually need any.

That said, I also love the stage we’re in now (19 months) with a little chatterbox running round the place. He learns something new every day and it’s beautiful to watch.

We are for various reasons one and done, so I’m jealous that you are about to start the journey, I’d love to pop back for a day to when he was a tiny little squish snuggled in the crook of my arm in the rocking chair ❤️

We have 3 children. Never begged for help with a newborn.

I didn’t like the newborn stage because I was always worried there was something wrong if they got a sniffle or temperature. However we didn’t beg fonhwlp from anyone, neither of us had any baby experience and we managed ok. Sleep deprivation is pretty shit, but you learn to sleep whe the baby sleeps and it’s a bit easier. I used to go to bed really early, sometimes 7pm, DH would do feeds etc til later, so by the time he’d put the baby to bed I was not far off 4-5 hours sleep so when she woke at 2-3am (colicky baby with my first!) then I had managed a good sleep … often the only bloody sleep lol … second baby was a dream to get off to sleep but he woke 1-2 times a night till he was 2.5 years …. They’re all so different lol

My baby from birth was absolutely blissful. I had one of those mail order babies that everyone wants because they sleep, eat, wasn’t sick! So, the newborn stage for us wasn’t difficult or stressful! I found the toddler years a bit harder but that’s only because he was in the move and touching things. I have found the early teenage years the hardest because you want to give them their independence yet need to make sure they’re safe too!

I’ve got two children. One newborn experience was the worst time of my life the other was one of the best. It all depends on if you have an easy baby or not. Honestly the difference in experiences I had was wild, it’s all down to what kind of baby you get!

I had one baby who cried none stop and didn’t sleep and struggled with breastfeeding/weight gain. Those were dark days. Ironically, he then morphed into a marvellous toddler and is now a marvellous 5 year old. I’ve just been told he’s one of the cleverest, most friendly and helpful children his teacher has ever met. Such a change from the baby I thought had ruined my life!

I then had quite an average baby who cried a bit but not too much, had some ups and downs with breastfeeding but generally okay and went through sleep regressions but otherwise slept okay. He’s also now a very average toddler. I’m sorry but I still think he’s easier now than as a newborn!

But then again a family member of mine has a 3 month old who I’m not sure has ever cried in his short life. He was barely awake for the first 2.5 months and could literally be put down anywhere and stayed asleep. No issues with feeding or weight gain. If you have one of those babies, especially as your first, then the newborn stage is probably wonderful!

Basically, I reckon each stage largely depends on what your child is like.

I have a 14 week old (so just coming out of the newborn stage) and I can honestly say it was the hardest 12 weeks of my life 😂

I think it depends if you have a low needs baby or a high needs baby. My baby cried, literally, from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed unless she was eating or sleeping. The witching hours/purple crying were intense, she has reflux and tongue tie so feeding was a nightmare. I guess because she is my first, and my friends babies were all really calm, I was naive and thought newborns just ate and slept haha. But no, she was very, VERY fussy.

So I would get all the help you can!! My baby is also a Velcro baby so cries and won’t sleep unless she’s on me, so I need help just to get things done! Nobody mentally prepares you what a newborn is going to be like until you have one

The theory of a newborn and the reality of the sheer physicality of prolonged sleep deprivation and a vulnerable body is something else.

I absolutely hated the newborn stage, thought we’d ruined our life, found it exhausting and stressful. DD was prem and spent 3 weeks in NICU, didn’t sleep except with me holding her upright, then later only in a fast moving buggy. She was constantly uncomfortable and I spent a lot of time trying to work out what the hell was wrong. Turned out to be a combination of tongue tie and a mild level of cerebral palsy caused by the crap birth. DH was out of the house for 14 hours a day with work after the 2 week paternity leave so no use, I was alone, I would have loved a lockdown baby!

Sorry this is very pity party but it really varies hugely. A LOT will depend on whether your baby has any feeding (and therefore sleeping) issues like reflux, allergies, tongue tie etc. (NB these often look the same).

The benefit of a horrible newborn stage is that every stage afterwards feels so much better!!

My husband loved the newborn stage (and was very involved) whereas all I really remember is hormonal changes, painful breastfeeding, suicidal thoughts and colic. I think it partly depends on what baby you get but also depends on your birth and mental state for the weeks afterwards. I know plenty of women who found the newborn stage the best. I hope everything goes smoothly for you

For me personally newborn stage was lovely and we had zero family help (although my husband did everything other than feed the baby). However it depends on so many factors: your recovery, the baby’s recovery, feeding, and - probably the dealbreaker - whether they sleep. However, even with a rubbish sleeper, I don’t relate at all to the “haven’t showered for days” stuff you see. I don’t think I ever went a day without a shower and fresh clothes but maybe it depends on your priorities. I found baby classes mind numbing but made a couple of friends. I will say that I much preferred having a toddler with a big personality, as much as they are cute when tiny.

Echoing previous posts really - depends on the baby’s temperament, how much support you have and your recovery.

For me, my first birth was hideous and baby was unsettled and I had no support other than my husband who like many works very long hours. So I was trying to recover while finding my feet with a brand new baby which I had no experience of, so I found he was way easier as a toddler. The newborn experience was ‘fine’ for me - good moments and hard moments.

My second birth was absolutely fine and I luckily bounced back quickly so recovery wasn’t an issue. But my gosh, if I thought my first baby was unsettled, I had an absolute shock 😂 My second baby screamed endlessly and clung to me at every opportunity. He’s 2 and he’s mellowing a bit now!

I know lots of people who had very chilled babies who slept and ate well and cooed on an playmat and so they enjoyed their newborn experience more than others might. I don’t remember much of mine, but I can still hear the crying 😂

I’d say try not to overthink it and just look forward to it if you can. We all love to tell our stories of our babies but we don’t always remember it exactly right, and no one should be frightening you with unbalanced views. Babies change so quickly so tricky babies might suddenly mellow like my eldest. Even with babies with trickier temperaments, there will be some lovely memories you can make. Best just to take each day as it comes and just pretend you’ve not even heard those unwelcome comments / advice.

Best of luck 🍀❤️

I hated it with my first, but am enjoying it much more second time round! Not sure there is much fundamentally different between them,I think it's just that I know it passes this time so am more willing to enjoy it and not get frustrated. First time I spent a lot of time thinking that this (newborn phase) was how it will always be with kids, but my eldest is 3.5 now and goes to nursery, does playdates, sleeps, can tell me what's wrong, etc. Don't get me wrong, is also a typical toddler! But this time, because of my experience with him, I know I won't always be greasy haired, tired and milk stained and I will get my own "things" back. So hold on to that and perhaps that'll let you lean in to it! Or maybe you'll just enjoy it for what it is, which many do :) just don't worry if you don't love it, plenty of other lovely bits will come!

It’s a huge shock to the system and there are so many variables that you can’t really predict how it will go. In my case, hormones and the overwhelming change to my life knocked me for six. I actually felt what I can only describe as homesickness!

I also wanted and assumed I would be breastfeed, and when that didn’t work out it had a huge negative impact on my mental health. As did the lack of sleep, as I was suddenly on 3 broken hours a night and that didn’t improve for a long time. It’s not even just the frequent wake ups but how long dealing with the feeding/burping/changing/settling takes.

I think we picture sleepy newborns, and yes there is a lot of that - mainly during day when you have people around - but from a few days in mine would have witching hours’ which would mean unbearable crying that we couldn’t resolve for several hours, and he wouldn’t be the only one crying!

Maybe it will be a dreamy love-bubble for you, but all I know is nothing could have prepared me for the reality, and that’s how it goes. You’ll know soon enough and I wish you all the best.

You'll be ok.

The first few weeks are a blur with no day or night. IME newborns wake when they want, feed almost constantly and don't recognise concepts like "Mum's dinner time" and "sleeping for more than 2 hours at a stretch" and all that other stuff.

Grab any moments of sleep you can and don't worry about anything else.

After that, it settles down a bit and you get a rhythm to your days.

Wishing you a nice straightforward birth and much joy with your baby, @Elephant768 !

My newborns were all easypeasy. It was total bliss and joy. I couldn't believe I had a legitimate reason to stay off work. I could get up whenever I wanted, go for walks, coffees, meet new friends, watch TV. My time was my own, and best of all, I spent it with the most beautiful babies. Honestly, for me, the newborn days were far and away the best days of my life.

It depends on your personality and the temperament of your baby, tbh. The newborn stage is fairly easy insofar as they don't much, but the sleep deprivation is tough and if you've had a traumatic birth it is a very different experience to if you pop babies out like you are shelling peas. But it's all guess work, like if they're screaming at you, you have to work through are they screaming because they are hungry/wet/dirty/colicy, etc. Whereas yes, toddlers come with tantrums and a will of their own, but at least you can communicate with them.

Then toddlers get easier once they're weaned and potty trained cos carting round a massive bag full of nappies and changes of clothes goes, and they can hop in and out the car and you don't have the lug a buggy about everywhere you go. But also you need eyes in the back of your head and can't just pop them down and have a shower like you can with a newborn.

Basically, every age and stage has it's easier and harder bits. Some kids are easier and some kids are more difficult. Personally, I don't mind the newborn stage but much prefer the toddler stage. Whereas my husband prefers the baby stage. Everyone is different. It all goes by so fast though, just enjoy what you can when you can.

Agree with the other posters re enjoying or not depends on sleep! Ignoring the posts dismissing people’s experiences, here’s mine. I am open about my experience because of how alone I felt during this time, but be aware that it is quite extreme and not the experience of most people.

My first didn’t sleep longer than 3 hours in a full year despite trying everything, I was a shell of a human being. Had a c section and complications so couldn’t walk properly outside for a few weeks. The shock and anxiety I experienced was crippling, I begged to be sectioned as I was also experiencing sleep-deprivation related auditory and visual hallucinations as well as night terrors, panic attacks, rage etc. I was terrified of giving up BF, but absolutely hated how hard I found it (TT & had to use shields for months) and the frequency/ feeling/ responsibility of it. Hated not knowing what they wanted when they cried, and felt so overwhelmed my mum wrote me a list on the fridge to follow of things to try with baby to stop the crying. I lost 3.5 stone in two months after birth as I wasn’t eating properly. I felt like I was in an inescapable hell that I would never get out of.

Shortly after DCs first birthday I was diagnosed with a cancer that can be related to pregnancy and BF related which explains the severity of my symptoms, which required several surgeries and treatments. I genuinely found this easier than the newborn stage.

Since my DC have grown, things got significantly better after 1 then again at 18 months. Toddlerhood was a joy and a billion times easier than horrible newborn chaos :) the only plus for me looking back was that newborn stage doesn’t last long!

I think preparation is key to making it a nicer time... Meal prep and freeze, or sign up to meal delivery services like hellofresh etc for the early weeks.

Realise that you're likely to be exhausted and sore and that's your new normal.
Also recognising that breastfeeding (if you're planning to) can be really challenging at first, so make sure you have support and advice. Also cabbage leaves in the fridge and nipple balm at the ready etc.

Try to get out for fresh air, a walk around the block makes a world of difference to your mental health. Even if it means doing so in stained clothing and you'd not showered, so what, no-one cares!

Overall it is lovely and there is nothing as magical as sitting awake in the night feeding and marvelling at the gorgeous little human you created, it's such a precious time.