The Newborn Experience

[Elephant768]

I’m really looking forward to meeting our baby boy (less so looking forward to child birth) but I know the end product will be worth it.

so many people in my personal life, Mums, MILs, colleagues have all said that “I’ll be begging for help” and that the newborn phase is really tough whenever I say I’m looking forward to it. Of course I’ve seen stuff on mumsnet and the internet too! I just see / hear more negative stuff than not and I don’t even have social media

I don’t doubt for a second that it’ll be tough at all, but I almost feel insane for looking forward to it when everyone seems to say it’s the ‘worst’ part so to speak. From my personal experience (and OK I’ve never been a mum or breastfed and have only briefly interacted with babies) but my current perception is that newborns are easier compared to say, toddlers who are charging around the place and asking a million questions. At least with a newborn, they feed, cry,, sleep and poo. But maybe that is the hard part.

it’ll be nice to hear any positive stories about the newborn weeks / months but equally any horrible ones so I know what to expect! I’m going into motherhood with a positive attitude but of course very mindful of the fact that so many people wouldn’t say it’s hard unless it wasn’t! But hard doesn’t necessarily mean bad, right?

I found the newborn stage really hard for various reasons (totally change of lifestyle/lack of sleep/relentlessness/anxiety) but I was never ‘crying out for help’. If anything, it was easiest when my husband and I were left to it - we found our rhythm and got on with it after the initial phase of hosting excited family members (and hearing their ‘helpful’ feedback). It’s exhausting but it can be quite a straight forward phase. Obviously this can differ if you’re dealing with colic/feeding issues or similar. I found the toddler years more challenging mentally in many ways as you have a wildly irrational hurricane flying around. But it’s a very personal thing - I think everyone has phases of childhood that they find easier/harder.

It sounds like you are really excited about your new arrival (as you should be!) and I’m sorry people have made you doubt yourself. My only advice would be to not freak out if it isn’t easy or as wonderful as you imagine. That’s not you failing, it’s just what lack of sleep and raging hormones can do to you (and your OH). You’ll probably feel like the world is ending every evening (the sundown scaries) and randomly burst into tears at various points in the day but even with that it can still be such a wonderful time. So smile politely when people tell you these things and then forget about it - they’ll do the same thing when you’re parenting so it’s a good skill to learn now!

I think grandparents also like to say things like this when what they really mean is “I want to spend loads of time with the new baby so please need me”. You might need them, you might not. As I said, I found it easier figuring it out with just my husband! Like with pregnancy and birth, just see how you feel each day and do what you can. Some days will be better than others but no one else gets to define/decide what your version of post partum is and how you ‘survive’ it. Enjoy as much as you can and know that we all have bad days too!

Same. Happiest time of my life. But I keep quiet about it irl because at least some of it is sheer luck and there's no point making other people feel miserable.

This. If you have a sick, refluxy, colicky, cmpa baby who screams 18 hours a day, will not sleep except being held, and defies any sleep protocols known to man, you will have a very newborn experience to someone who has a newborn who can sleep for 3 hour stretches overnight between feeds and comforting.

The latter isn’t better parenting, it’s luck. And also a “normal” newborn experience is still hard and life changing, and the sleep deprivation is hard…. But it’s not even in the same league as a non sleeping baby. I’ve had one of each, it wasn’t my parenting, it was the baby’s needs.

I think it really depends on the baby and parents personality. Some babies are very calm/sleep a lot. Others are more highly strung. A lot of my friends seemed to love the newborn stage, but that seemed to be more so the ones that had calm personalities and calm babies/supportive partners and friends. I absolutely hated it, but looking back on it now I miss it and it was technically an ‘easier’ stage than toddlers because there’s less needs/stuff to do, but the sleep deprivation can really make any situation seem awful.

You both @CarterBeatsTheDevil and @CurlewKate are good people. It is indeed luck. I’m glad you enjoyed your lovely snuggly newborns.

I struggled for a couple of weeks after my planned c section, even though everyone else seems to be out jogging the next day. Once I got past that and got the hang of breastfeeding I found it much easier.

I barely slept during IVF and pregnancy so I was quite well prepared for not getting much rest for the first 6 months.

The best 3 bits of advice I got were:

Don't spend all day agonising over how much you didn't get the night before. It just makes you miserable and doesn't help.

Keep eating proper food and drinking plenty of water.

Get plenty of fresh air.

Teehee yours sound similar to mine. My babies were WILD as soon as they worked out how to move. Give me a dozey newborn anyday!

I was so excited too and had been warned alot gently by friends who had recently given birth that it is hard, some dropped off the radar for a few weeks which at the time I didn't understand but once I had my son I did. He's an ivf kiddo.

My experience was complicated by a protracted birth experience during the consultants strikes, bad labour, emergency section then a baby who couldn't latch for love nor money. It was 5 days in hospital before he arrived so I was exhausted. Then I went home and had the fun hormone drop that gives some the baby blues, i was adamant it wouldnt be me as im such a positive steady person but wow, those hit like a brick. Then he cried and cried, turned out he had a severe tongue tie and then reflux and finally found out it was cmpa. So a rough time, where we survived rather than thrived I must admit.

HOWEVER, I write this 2 years down the line and I whole heartedly don't think it was "spoiled" for all that, it was simply our first foray into what it means to be a parent: sacrifice of time, sleep, anxiety for your child's health. Hospital visits, advocating for them, fixing problems where you can etc. Post partum you is different but you come back before you know it, wounds heal, you have this magical life before you that changes so quickly one problem doesn't remain a problem for long.

Then they start smiling at you (welling up remembering my sons first smile to me in the quiet magic night feed days) and holding that precious baby really gives you life long muscle memory for their weight, I can still feel my newborn son on my chest if I imagine it.

Sorry that was long😅 Finally to add a friend if mine just had a son and a month in he's waking once, he breast fed no problem and is a super chill baby, they are all different. Be a team with your DH as much as possible is my main advice! Oh and if you can't nap get fresh air and a brisk walk with the buggy, next best thing. Everyone treats you like royalty when you're out and about with a newbie.

So imagine you're playing a computer game. Some people will find it easier at the start, some people get the hang of it fine but struggle when it gets difficult, some people it starts off hard and stays that way!

So it is with babies in my opinion. Most women say their second baby is a lot easier, but by that stage they're used to working on level two or three, so level one doesn't seem as challenging as it did the first time round.

I absolutely loved the newborn stage. It's the easiest bit of parenting I've done, and although they didn't sleep well, at least I wasn't juggling sleep deprivation with work like I've been doing in the months and years since. It was an absolute joyful period for me.

But, I had a difficult pregnancy which caused a lot of pain and meant I slept worse before babies arrived than after. I also had no issues with anxiety about my babies, whereas I know a lot of mums get very anxious, have a lot of intrusive thoughts etc. With my first I didn't want to breastfeed so I didn't, and with my second. I wanted to mix feed, but baby refused bottles from birth. There wasn't an 'establishing breastfeeding' period, It was instant and physically easy. The hard bit is I wanted some freedom with bottles, but we just rolled with it.

I had planned sections (maternal choice) and they were great. Recovery was quick and largely painless and I was out and about daily within a couple of days. I used slings a lot and those first few months felt like a long holiday really, but with a cuddly pot plant that we took everywhere.

Toddler years were much much harder but sleep was also worse than at the newborn stage and I was juggling work. They are 6+8 and still more challenging than they were for those first few months.

I’d genuinely never held a small baby in my life before DD was born and her first nappy change I needed to watch a Youtube video as I did it. Didn’t have a clue.

To my astonishment though BF went really well and I found it all really instinctive after a few days of blind panic.

I became the classic earth mother, attachment parent, extended BF, cloth nappies and all that stereotype. This is as someone that didn’t like kids and had zero maternal urges.

I thought it would be hell on earth but it was lovely. I do think having low expectations helps. I thought I’d have a c section and be permanently miserable. Had a straightforward vaginal birth and found it all very lovely and rewarding. No-one more astonished than me. I was 41 too - so should have been too knackered according to mumsnet.

I think it came from years of looking after animals inc horses though. I had no freedom to lose and was used to getting up at ungodly hours to shovel shit even when feeling like death. At least with DD I didn’t have to drive to the yard first.

Totally depends which baby you get.

As other posters have said, the main thing is whether you get a good sleeper or not. Sleep deprivation is so very hard. Also, the thing I found hard at first (although you do adapt to this quite quickly) is the feeling that I couldn't make any decisions, ever, without considering the baby. That's quite weird when you're used to being independent.

But otherwise I loved the newborn stage and found it easier than having toddlers (especially young toddlers under 2yo who are kind of crazy).

I asked the newborn phase. Just lower your expectations and standards and focus on caring for your newborn and it will be so much easier. The washing up can pile up for a little while and does the vacuuming really need to be done? Meet a friend for coffee but let that be the only thing you plan for the day.

I'd walk everywhere so that things took longer and provided more entertainment. I remember going to baby groups then grabbing a meal deal for lunch to eat in the park so DS could lie on a blanket and watch the sun flicker through the leaves. They were beautiful, simple, hazy days and I miss them.

My babe is 2yrs old now and I'm pregnant with no#2 and I'm finding this So. Much. Harder. I'm exhausted and he requires much more thoughtful input. I still love it - he's funny and imaginative and we do loads of fun things together, but gone are the days of 3hr naps while I cuddle him and watch Netflix! 😂

I had two babies - with one it was a wonderful time, with the other it was just horrible!

The differences? With the one birth, I had a straightforward birth, recovered quickly, got out and about quickly, felt well, feeding established well. He was a summer baby and there was lots of time outside, and lots of lovely cuddles with a squishy little bundle of joy.

With the other, I had a difficult birth, with a venteuse delivery and an epidural. My body did not recover well. I was kept in hospital for 6 days and felt ill for 6 weeks. I looked ok, so didn't get much support. Feeding was a nightmare, sleep deprivation was painful and it was March, cold and wet, so that leaving the house seemed much more difficult. I bled heavily for 6 weeks and became anaemic. This baby screamed a lot and went rigid when held. Cranial osteopathy turned him into a different child after 13 long weeks (worth looking into if you have an assisted birth - I wish we had gone muuuuch sooner.)

I hope that everything goes well for you, but do be kind to yourself if you have some troubles. You sound hopeful, which is great, but prepare your partner for the fact that he may need to be on duty a lot in the first 3 months. I honestly felt as if I had been hit by a truck, though the scars weren't visible and I didn't know about Mumsnet, so couldn't check whether this was normal!

Newborns are absolutely 'gorgeous and scrunchy'. If you get one that doesn't sleep and is colicky and screams for hours on end for months on end though, you will be exhausted. That's when it gets hard.

Teaching a class of 30 5 year olds was easier than my first born by a long shot! I went back to work at 3 months (when mat leave was very short!) for a rest!

I remember being so tired my face actually hurt! It's hard as well when you're that tired just going through the motions of feeding, changing, winding, short nap, long screaming session, changing, feeding, change whole outfit due to poo explosion, screaming for no reason, try feeding again, more screaming, 10 minute nap etc etc on repeat for 24 hours, 7 days a week without so much as a smile back from them-it is quite hard on the resilience no matter how good it was to begin with.

Toddlers, on the other hand are great fun-they understand you, they can walk and talk and play and giggle and eat and smile!

But yes, newborns are cute and sweet and smell nice...

Just remembering, I think in the entire time of my both of my kids, neither went down for a nap independently. Contact naps were my life, but because I had them in a sling it made no difference to me. I went on fairground rides with them asleep on me, boat rides, planes, supermarket, the bus, crafting with my other child. I even had a water sling, which I mostly used with the beach and pool, but a few times when babies were sick, we'd have a shower together.

Each persons experience of the newborn stage is totally unique.

For us, the newborn stage was the worst. It was so difficult and I was permanently exhausted and stressed. The toddler years were way easier for us.

For my brother and his family, the newborn stage was a piece of cake. Now the toddler years have hit and they’re finding it incredibly tough.

The thing is each stage has the best of times and the worst of times. You’ve just got to be excited for and treasure the good times and work through the tough times.

I would say it’s best described as a bit of a mix of everything! The stages are all hard & easy in different ways and it’s hard to compare them.

Taking myself as an example I have a 21 month old and a 10 week old so 2 under 2. The newborn days are “easy” in that their needs are simple- milk, sleep, clean bum, that’s basically it. Toddler needs are more complicated as in snack, but not that snack, water, not in that bottle, that toy, not this toy, running wild and then refusing to walk at all, sing with me but not like that, huge emotions that they don’t understand themselves, but easier in some ways than a newborn because you can negotiate with them and communicate with them a bit.

The hardest thing about the newborn days I would say are the sleep deprivation, the crying often for no reason, and sometimes breastfeeding can be a tough journey- it’s not always as easy as you would hope but there is lots of BF support clinics etc! I breastfed my daughter, currently BF my son and have had a pretty easy time of it this time but with my daughter did benefit from support in learning!

How much you enjoy the newborn days depends on how you cope with lack of sleep- I manage pretty well on just a few hours broken sleep whereas my husband really suffers if he has little sleep for example, everyone is different. If you can accept it for what it is, a stage that is tough but short, settle into the sofa with snacks, a TV show and accept that your days for now are just feeding, cuddling and sitting down it is easier to do!

We sound very similar. I had zero maternal instincts before having babies. I mostly had them because my husband was keen. Then they were born, and it was like 'zap'. Due to work I was used to sleeping on 4 hours sleep a night anyway, and my body threw me into a role that I hadn't realised was perfect for me.

I hate how much people love to goad pregnant women with 'ooh just you wait' and 'ohh you'll struggle so much'.

It's horrible. We all know that caring for newborns is tough, but there are kinder, more encouraging ways to talk.

For me it was definitely the worst part as I cannot overstate how awful I found the sleep deprivation. It completely ruined my mental and physical wellbeing and my babies weren't even that 'bad', but newborns still need to eat every 4 hours or so at the best of times.

There's a reason being repeatedly woken up and never getting to sleep properly is used as a method of torture. Some of us can cope better with it than others - I really couldn't, it was so hard for me.

But it doesn't last too long and it didn't stop me having a second baby.

I’ve had 4 but raising 5. And honestly I don’t think the newborn/baby stage is tough at all. I’m finding teenage years the worse. I’ve now got them 18 down to 4 months. And god the older ones are the hardest.

first 2 years of their life’s they are with me 24/7. My boys all woke hourly on the hour my girls would sleep in decent blocks. I’ve had Velcro babies and babies that like to be put down. It’s just finding what works well for you.

I think the years just fly by.

Whereas I found teenage years an absolute breeze @sunshineandrain82 , I loved every minute, easiest time of parenting for me, haha! Shows how they are all different!

Me too - teens are my favourite!

I think there’s too much variation, a mum who is exclusively breastfeeding would have a very different experience than someone who’s exclusively formula feeding. A mum who has a hands on partner has a different experience than one who doesn’t, and a mum who has family support would have a different experience than those who don’t. The newborns temperament also impacts a lot. My first daughter was chill, we exclusively pumped with her and she slept great from the offset. My husband was working from home and very flexible so was incredibly hands on. My second didn’t sleep and was exclusively breastfed, I also had a 19 month old demanding my attention, and a husband who had just started shift work. Both very different experiences but you do things to make it easier, for example we leant how to co sleep safety with my second, and bought portable pumps with my first.