Do I HAVE to continue to cook separately?

[Luisaa]

Wits end.

5yo DS has always been an incredibly fussy eater but we are now at the point where he will only really eat pasta for dinner. He has pesto pasta, mascarpone, macaroni cheese. He will not eat tomato sauce, so no bolognese or hidden veggies sauces. He hates to see ‘bits’ ie onion, veg, herbs or chicken/mince.

Breakfast is ok as he likes eggs of different forms. Lunch is either a tuna sandwich or egg bagel. Not ideal but at least it’s something. He likes olives and hummus of all things so has that with a wrap once a week. Gone off chicken mayo which is a shame.

It’s dinners I’m mainly struggling with… tonight I have made a shepherds pie and I have refused to cook bloody pasta AGAIN. He is having a meltdown and refusing to eat. Do I just make the bloody pasta? Do I persevere but if so, how?

Any other dinner/lunch ideas for an incredibly fussy eater?

TBF I do think there is an element of control to fussy eating.

The key point is to put the child in control of food rather than the control being to say no.

If the children has a healthy control of food they will better be able to resolve issues with control in other parts of their life rather than a hard no every time they get asked to do something they don't like.

That means no pressure over food - don't create the battle field. Get them to look at food as something that's interesting.

TBF to the OP her son actually has a fairly good range of safety foods there tbh.

Wraps are a god send. There's A LOT you can do for wraps - if he gets a simple wrap for dinner, think about an alternative the grown up can have - so you are eating the same.

The trick for us was to make food look attractive and tempting - but not force it. The smells and other people enjoying it and it being available are the thing that work. If the child feels they are allowed to try but not commit and everything is on offer if they ask eventually they will because they realise they are still in control and if they don't like it, they aren't stuck with it either and can go back to their safe option.

It's like the cautious walker who can clearly do it but cruises for months and then eventually starts running from the work go much to everyones shock. They just need the extra confidence building and security. Once they figure out the world they can absolutely fly because they've done it on their own terms. But pressuring them can make them shut down and fold in because that's the only way they feel they remain in control.

I insist they try a mouthful. They aren't allowed to say they don't like something unless they have actually tried it. If they give it a good try and genuinely dislike it, I'll make them something on toast.

I will make one meal that I know everyone has had before and eaten, even if they've 'gone off it.' If they don't eat it, they don't eat it. Nothing else on offer until next mealtime. Take the stress out of it. This is what's on offer, it's up to you if you eat it.

I agree and it's similar to the approach we've taken. If he has a safe food then serve it, but alongside some new items.

There is no point turning meal times into a battleground. I refused to argue with DDs about food so I've never forced them to eat but also never stopped offering new food and I have bribed them in the past (10p for their pocket money per new food they try.) Lots of praise if they do try something regardless of whether they like it or spit it out and no threats or battles. We've had it this evening with DD2 who is 6 trying watercress for the first time. She initially left it, I asked if she'd try it and she said ok but spat it out....she still gets praised for trying. It's your choice what to serve, it's his choice what he eats and that's fine.

Fortunately what he's eating isn't too bad nutritionally but I'd see where you can branch out for now. Would he eat the lentil or pea pastas just to have some diversity alongside traditional pasta?

Given that you clearly have no idea what you're talking about, it's probably best that you don't offer advice.

Make different versions of what he likes and add new aspects to each meal to widen his repertoire.

I had two like that. It got better by around age 8-10 and they are now adults who eat a range of foods. Having a faddy child is not what you hoped for, people judge, you feel you have failed to bring up a child with a sophisticated palate.
Is the problem cooking two different meals for you and DS or the fact that he's fussy?
I would not worry about lack of variety as long as his diet includes all necessary nutrients.
Do you all eat together? Mine ate early at that age and we only ate as a family at weekends until they were old enough to eat around 7pm. Make his meals as simple as possible, batch cook, freeze and reheat.

My DH had food put in front of him as a child and then if he didn’t eat it, it was brought out again for the next meal etc etc. He has a memory of throwing up cold veg on day 2 or 3.

His parents are/were nice people but 70s parenting was what it was! Sounds like some posters on here.

Will he take a multivitamin drink or gummi OP so at least you can ensure he gets the required vits and minerals?

I think the hardest thing we found was outside pressure (from school and other parents) and the sense that we were failing because we weren't doing enough somehow. It made us stressed. That brought stress to the dinner table.

Honestly having a friend saying 'STOP the worst thing you can do is try too hard' was the best thing.

Forgive yourself OP. You are not failing. Your job is to feed that's eat. If he eats tonight, that a win. That's it.

Baby steps. Always offer but say it's ok not to try too. And stick to it. If he does try and likes encourage and let him eat it; it's you who goes hungry and this isn't a big deal.

DS still won't eat at school. There is very little reasoning to this. He eats enough outside school. He will eat out. It's just school. We work round it.

If its something like autism or arfid they will starve... stupid advice.

I used to OBSESS about what my child was eating. A couple of things helped. The big one was finding out how big a portion size is. Once you look at your child's hand and see the amount they are meant to eat it makes you feel much calmer because it is so small:
https://www.healthyhebrideankids.scot.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Portion-Sizes-poster.pdf

A big thing we do is a couple of nights a week he helps me to prep dinner, even if its just grating some cheese or chopping cucumber. It doesn't always, but he has become much better about trying things from it.

Another useful thing I do is I have a snack lunchbox (with 6 compartments) that I put in things he likes e.g. cucumber, peppers, blueberries, cheese.... and it's there as a backup. Thankfully he now eats enough random things that it covers the main food groups when put into use!

Also this ...

I'm another who had one who would literally starve rather than eat "unsafe" foods. It's very difficult for people who haven't patented a child like this to understand what it's truly like - and it can bring out the self-righteousness in some people. Having had one like this and one just "normal picky" I know there is a wild of difference between the two.

Like others, medical advice was to focus on calories in and try to increase variety "on the side". When mine was about 7, had a series of conversations about nutrition, strength, growth, health etc. Quite open and no pressure - just explaining how bodies work and what they need. After that we talked through what his body wasn't getting and how we could make his less worried about food that would help to make him strong.

We ended up making a deal: if I asked him, he would try three tiny bites of a new food (three because the first time your taste buds are just shocked by a new taste, second they're adjusting, and only on the third can they know if they really like it - that was our explanation of why you need three bites anyway!) My side of the bargain was no more than one new taste a week (unless he asked to try it) and if he truly didn't like something after three bites. I would wait a year before asking him to try it again. And every time he tried something honestly and without a fuss, he got a treat (marbles for his marble jar generally.)

It was a BLOODY hard slog and he's not perfect now - but since about 11 he eats a really good variety of foods and will occasionally surprise us by going "actually, I really like sour cream" or whatever.

Good luck with it - I know it's hard. My top principle was to try to remove the stress and pressure around food for kids who find it properly stressful (rather than kids who are just playing up a bit.)

You can get lots of different pastas made from peas or lentils etc. maybe worth a try? Purée some veg and mix a small amount into the pesto. Tiny change at a time not all at once so it’s not obviously noticeable. I’m autistic and pasta is one of my safe foods- I personally cants stand all the veg option pastas but my restrictive eating 9yo eats it fine thank god

sounds like ARFID. if it is then you need specific advice for that as most people won’t starve themselves rather than eat food they can’t stand but ARFID kids do

People commenting that he should be made to eat it or go hungry are way off the mark. But if you want to give your child trauma around food, create distrust around the food environment and lead to long term further fussier eating and potential eating disorders in the future, carry on.

All the research tells us that children should be exposed to new foods but presented with something that is safe which they will definitely eat at every meal time. Do not use food as a weapon.

He can have hummus and olives and tuna for dinner. This is not the worst diet in the world.

@RedToothBrush one of mine wouldn't eat at school, he went about a year when all he would eat was a tiny homemade roll with honey on it and then stopped altogether, no breakfast either. Most I could persuade him to have was an aptimel type drink before he went. Never said why but funnily enough I asked him this xmas and he said he couldn't stand the noise in the dining room.

I've never forced any of mine to eat anything they don't like, i still gag at the memory of my mother's stuffed marrow with a step father sprouting the line about 'starving children in Africa' and I'm very fussy about food I'm sure because of my upbringing. The son in question is now mid 30s and has a much wider palate than me and wants to try everything no matter how weird🤯

My brother survived on cereal for several years , despite my mum offering to cook him anything he wanted . Even went to their doctor saying what can I do with him? His advice was milk is a food , drown them in milk.
Hes now in his 40s with a great appetite and few things he doesn’t eat.
I agree not to make it a battle and nobody should be forced to eat something they don’t like , wouldn’t want to be their child

My son was very fussy around this age. He has adhd and struggles with food. He wants to like things but can’t eat them. He would literally just not eat if there was no option so those who recommend tough love just don’t get it.
he’s getting better now as he gets older but there was a lot of pasta here too. Keep trying different things

All that will do is potentially put him off the only food he will safely eat.

These days it is. My siblings eat an array of foods. None of us have unhealthy attitudes to food.

However we ate what we were given and if we complained too much we got a dry slap. I repeat, all very happy adults.

Funnily enough I didn't know any fussy eaters as a child either.

I'm not saying slap your kids, just to be clear. (My Nan still gives me a thick ear if I deserve it)

I have an extremely 'fussy' eater (potential ARFID but we haven't looked into it yet) and I always give the same opinion on threads like this.

My DC is physically very active and fidgety, but otherwise quite laid-back and not 'naughty' in other ways. We have some sensory issues around clothes and similar and some issues with focus which make me suspect there may be other issues at play, but we haven't investigated them yet.

He eats absolutely nothing at school. He won't eat fruit, which is all they're allowed for morning snack, won't touch school meals and the school has quite an extensive allergy/banned items list which means I usually end up packing some plain bread and veggie sticks, which are normally left untouched. He's thin as a rake and very hungry when I collect him.

We might be the extreme end, but I've always assumed that with most children with food issues, it's a case of "can't" rather than "won't", i.e. it's not a discipline issue.

Don't wreck your DC's childhood over food issue. Don't cause them unnecessary stress or create conflict in your family because they are limited in what they feel they can safely eat.

It is often children who have other things going on - ND, sensory etc - who find food difficult. I'm not saying this is your child, but often if you make a big issue over food, you're imposing additional stress on children who are already finding aspects of life and school difficult when what they really need is for home to be their safe low-stress space and you to be their cheerleader.

Serve up some things he'll eat, offer as much fruit and veg as you can get into him and keep making a range of foods available to try. And accept you might be in it for the long-haul but there's no point everyone getting stressed over it.

Hate to be your kid 😳. Imagine forcing them to eat something they really dislike , agree this is cruelty and totally unnecessary

DS says it's the noise and smell of the dining room at school. Which tbh having smelt the room when going on school trips I get. There's that awful 'packed lunch' smell which only exists in primary schools.

He's looking forward to high school. He's heard the school dinners there are really good. He is looking forward to them. We'll see if it changes. My thoughts are he probably will because he has a completely different mindset about it compared to primary so it's a fresh start. There's no winners in the battle then either.

With ND and medical needs ruled out, take it or leave it is a valid approach (without comment, encouragement, angst or pressure). You decide which family meals to cook and they decide how much to eat. Over a week or so they usually get enough calories.

My fussy child muddled through early childhood with no-pressure take it or leave it. I didn't have time or the money to do things differently. Sometimes they would eat loads, sometimes not at all. If they were hungry at bedtime they had porridge. Not a big deal. They eat everything now.

My daughter (3.5) has ARFID. The advice we’ve been given is food chaining and reward charts for the following steps (in order):

1. Touch new food with cutlery
2. Touch with finger
3. Pick up new food
4. Smell new food
5. Lick new food
6. Hold new food between teeth
7. Small nibble of new food (can spit out)
8. Eat a bite of new food

In all of the above steps we discuss the food - is it hard? Is it crunchy? Is it squishy? Does it have a big or a little smell etc

for each step above we do a sticker and a big well done / tell daddy when he gets home etc. we also sometimes play games like hiding new foods under cups, and if she rolls a 6 on a dice then she “gets” to look under the cup and score points for interacting with it.

food chaining would be something like this:

• child already eats chips
• chips made crunchier or softer
• change the shape of the chips (eg small cubes)
• add a topping eg Parmesan on top
• Try roast potatoes
• try sweet potato chips
• try sweet potato rounds
• try mashed sweet potato

The key with ARFID (unlike regular fussy eaters) is to never try and hide food in other foods - they can tell and they will stop trusting the “safe” food. We call things stuff like “square chips” “orange chips” “soft chips” for the above chains.

you have my sympathy - I currently make 3 different meals every night (one for the baby, one for the 3yo and one for the adults. It’s so time consuming.

Ha! ‘They won’t let themselves starve’. Yeah sure please tell my DC2 that. We had hoped that school lunches would broaden his palate- after an entire term the teacher called me aside and told me to give him a packed lunch as he was eating nothing whatsoever.
OP I feel your pain. I try to have one safe food each meal, and encourage him to eat one piece of sweetcorn or whatever. As long as he’s not hungry I try to feel like I’ve done my job. Add a multivitamin and hope he grows out of it.
FWIW my DC1 eats almost everything. No idea what I did differently!