Do I HAVE to continue to cook separately?

[Luisaa]

Wits end.

5yo DS has always been an incredibly fussy eater but we are now at the point where he will only really eat pasta for dinner. He has pesto pasta, mascarpone, macaroni cheese. He will not eat tomato sauce, so no bolognese or hidden veggies sauces. He hates to see ‘bits’ ie onion, veg, herbs or chicken/mince.

Breakfast is ok as he likes eggs of different forms. Lunch is either a tuna sandwich or egg bagel. Not ideal but at least it’s something. He likes olives and hummus of all things so has that with a wrap once a week. Gone off chicken mayo which is a shame.

It’s dinners I’m mainly struggling with… tonight I have made a shepherds pie and I have refused to cook bloody pasta AGAIN. He is having a meltdown and refusing to eat. Do I just make the bloody pasta? Do I persevere but if so, how?

Any other dinner/lunch ideas for an incredibly fussy eater?

Hi OP, I was a fussy eater when young and would only eat eggs. My mum never made a fuss and gave me the eggs. Happy families all round and no stress associated with eating. Now I’m an adult, I’m pleased to say my tastes have changed 🤣 and my diet is much more interesting.
So what im saying is …just give him the pasta, you’ll be happy, he’ll be happy and in time he’ll want more. Don’t stress.

Yep like some PP’s I had one of these kids, genuinely uninterested in eating at all just didn’t feel hungry, had to be reminded to eat and ate only a few specific items of food. Very tall for his age since birth we struggled to keep him at the average weight for his age ( so underweight) . No lack of energy though very active and sporty GP referred him to dietician, told me it could be worse they had one child who only would eat cheesy wotsits. No school dinners ate the same pack lunch contents for 2 years straight. Everyone was like oh he’ll see you eating fruit and veg and he’ll want to try them ( nope I was a vegetarian) he’ll see the other kids eating at nursery / school / birthday parties nope no difference. Took his own food to sleepovers. Then about 12/13 he totally changed, now he’s an adult he’s the main cook in his house fretting about his own kids eating habits. He’s still tall and skinny though and can drop 1/2 stone easily if he gets a stomach bug.

I think people who like the if he's hungry he'll eat line, haven't experienced it.

I was guilty when I had DS1, who had the occasional preference but always basically enjoyed food.

DS2 was a whole different ball game. Maybe if he was hungry enough he'd eat what was in front of him, but he could easily go all day without food rather than eat something he didn't like. Should you really let a small child do that? He just never saw food as enjoyable, never has. As an adult he wouldn't see going out to eat as a treat. Eating is just something that has to be done for him. If hes busy he'll forget.

I used to serve him the the bits of the meal the rest of us were having that he would eat, try to encourage him to try a tiny bit of the rest, and serve it with tuna/hummus/apple along side.

At 22yo, he's 6ft tall, has a full set of impressive exam results, but is still a fussy eater, although he does enjoy cooking so we all get to eat what he likes now.

Once you have control of your own food you start appearing much less fussy - I have only realised fairly recently that my mum is very fussy, but when she was doing all the cooking, it didn't show!

Ah great, I didn’t know that we had a medical expert who knows more about sensory needs than the many, many, many papers and studies about them on MN this whole time!

I was a fussy eater as a child, went through an only pasta stage. I remember my poor mum trying to find restaurants on holiday that would cater for me. But she never forced me to eat stuff I didn’t want to. I’m now a very normal eater. I’d say from my early teens onwards it got rapidly better and I eat pretty much anything now, I am really big on eating non-UPF, I cook from scratch for my own kids (who are now becoming fussy themselves after the usual smugness I had with my 2yo eating olives and anything else I put in front of her).

I'd cook extra of what he'll eat, so you can freeze/ refrigerate extra portions to reheat in the microwave later. Reheated, covered with a dash of water added helps it not be dry.

Hopefully he'll outgrow it soon and be able to extend his range.

Ignore the "he eats what you serve or starves" brigade. My son was under the care of a dietician for a while and I was advised that forcing him to eat was an absolute no no, as was cajoling or bribing. My job as a parent was not to force or nag but just to make a wide range of foods available to him, including his safe foods, it was then entirely up to him what he ate. It was a very slow process, he's still fussy to a certain extent but he eats so much more variety now and he's got more and more confident in trying new foods. Most kids grow out of any fussiness, there is absolutely no point in making food a battle ground.

I was a very fussy eater and just wouldn’t eat if I didn’t like it - and ended up at the doctor who had previously said ‘she won’t starve herself’ with a suggestion of milkshakes and giving me the food I would eat - as an adult I’m vegetarian but not fussy

i I have now been punished for putting myself through hell as my dd is the same but as she has adhd it hasn’t improved yet!!

i would broaden out her foods - so fruits and veg and breads with seeds and other things ti try and sneak in textures. She is a lot better and eats a range of fruit and veg but hates ‘mixed foods’ and would rather not eat than eat something she doesn’t like. As she is underweight it is a constant battle

DS wouldnt eat. He was a nightmare. Just wouldn't eat and would rather go hungry.

The best piece of advice we got was from a fussy eater who only eats pizza and plain chicken. He told us not to force the issue because that only made things worse and it's only as an adult when he hasn't been under pressure that he's started to change and eat a limited amount more.

What we did with DS was make meals that worked for both of us as far as we could but did extra bits for us and crucially we ate together. No separate meals. So if he wanted plain pasta that's what he got but we had pasta with something else.

This way DS saw us eating other things and enjoying other things.

We also did a lot of 'sharing food' so a plate in the middle of whatever and then you could pick what you want. Even if he didn't want any of it. The principle is to encourage the concept of Fear Of Missing Out without pressure and without saying it explicitly. Mum and Dad are enjoying x, so it must have something nice about it. Then if he showed interest we'd say well you can try a little bit if you like.

The biggest thing is eating together imho. His food then looks bland and rubbish but your food looks interesting and smells good and is based on things he likes but isn't the same.

It took a little bit of effort but it was worth it.

DS is now 11 and arguably is one of the least fussy children I know. But at 5 he was a complete and utter nightmare and we had a lot of pasta and sauce.

There is hope. Just give him time, space and ability to figure it out on his own terms.

If he eats pasta I would batch cook around 5 portions at a time so you're not having to do it separately, warm it up each evening

Then serve it in one of those plats where nothing touches, rotate the foods you serve alongside with it, a protein and a veg matching whatever you're cooking up that night for the rest of you

So then he sees the food, becomes more familiar with it but isnt pressured to eat it becuase his pasta is there and safe and he can eat that

You may need to test it to see if he is just fussy and would eat nevertheless or just ride it out and see if its a phrase or whether its something more as other posters have suggested.

What else does he have? Juices? Milkshakes?

In our house?

If hes not deeply underweight thr choice is a bowl of boring cornflakes or go hungry...

Both my cousin's and a friend's child were like this. Gradually ate less variety. Both kids diagnosed on the autism spectrum. There's usual fussiness and asserting autonomy and then there's sensory aversion which is completely different. FWIW forcing a child to eat is damaging in both cases.

Oh and don't worry too much about nutrition. As long as he is getting something during the week to prevent scuvy and rickets don't stress too much. He's getting fed. It's fine. He will work it out.

Ignore all the evangelicals who tell you differently

DS still will not eat a thing a school. Packed lunch or school dinner.

He's still alive and copes.

As an adult diagnosed with ARFID please look into this. I spent most of my childhood starving as my old fashioned parents said I’d eat if I was hungry. I just went to bed early and empty every night

DD was like this. If I’d let her, she’d have eaten the same few foods every night. Once she was old enough to properly understand, we were told to introduce one new food to her meal in a tiny portion and be cheery and laid back about it. She’d usually poke it and ask what it was. When told she’d insist she didn’t like it even if she’d never had it before. We told her that was fine but she just needed to have a tiny taste.

Gradually, she broadened her diet and even took pride in liking the new foods. She was relaxed because we stayed relaxed. It took months but it works better if you do it gradually IMO.

Nice ideas from Shutuptrevor.
Ive got a fussy 19 year old shes just started to eat gravy and has never eaten shepards pie. It does get better i promise.
What was really helpful for us was allowing her to chose fruit and veg and other healthy food when we shop.
She cooks alot for herself now.

For the love of god, just give the child what he will eat. His safe foods are not actually that terrible.

I was and still am a fussy eater. My mum says all I would eat is peas and triangles of cheese. I must have been very young as I dont remember this. What I do remember is dinner being stressful, hated that people would constantly comment on what would or would not eat.
My mum used to make me sit at the table till I’d eaten whatever it was I had …. So I sat there, for hours.
As adult eating is still stressful because people cannot help but comment 🙄
Just cook the pasta, alongside whatever else you are doing. Serve him the pasta and give him a small side (not touching) of whatever you are having. If he tries it and doesn’t like it don’t comment. He doesn’t try it don’t comment. If he tries, likes it don’t comment!

My DS diet was even more restricted , he had the pasta and we ate normally. He's a grown up now and healthy but still has a long list of things he doesn't like, much like his father

This is excellent advice and what you would get from the professionals

I'd just give him pasta and a separate plate of the cottage pie or whatever you are having.

My son is under SALT & dietician and they both advise against eat or go hungry because in some cases, they would just go hungry and it makes food in to such a battle which is unpleasant for everyone and can make things worse.

@Luisaa

Not read the full thread but my advice is small spoonful of shepherd pie on the side of pesto pasta.

Keep trying and do not make a big deal out of him trying it.

Other ideas are family service dinners with a mix of new foods ad foods you know he will eat. Let him help himself. Make no fuss about what he chooses. Eat all together. Persevere

My view is that the ‘I was strict and my children learned to eat a variety immediately’ group massively overestimate their own influence on their child, certainly the influence of punitive approaches.

I also think we hugely underestimate just how boring diets of the past were. It was pretty normal to have essentially the same food every day plus one different Sunday meal, and that was for families in work.

I’ve also observed a fairly recent family who had six children under four (two multiple births). One of their children only ate potatoes for about a year. So they fed her potatoes; they didn’t have TIME to do anything else. If you think about it, having the time to sit around watching an individual child eat/not eat and try to force it to eat is quite a privileged position.

TL:DR - cook some pasta. Put a taste of the veg you eat and the shepherds mash within reach. Remove without comment. Live your life.

My DD was like this when she was 5, although she would eat a good range of fruit and veg with the pasta. I did a food reward chart - everything new thing she tried got a star and after 6 stars there was a reward