Therapy for 4 year old?

[inthecornersofmymind]

Hello and good morning!

I am currently looking for therapy options for our 4-year-old son.

Is there anyone in this group with child(ren) of the same age who are attending therapy sessions?

If so, would you mind sharing some recommendations with me?

My choices include Play Therapy or CBT.

Whats the problem that makes you want therapy for him.

To be honest, he is quite a stubborn little boy. He acts like a little angel at nursery, but at home, he can be a total handful.

Maybe you need parenting classes rather than your 4 year old needing therapy? Sorry!

His behaviour sound normal.
I mean he's not even 60 months at 4 hes still learning things pushing boundaries etc.
Coming out of the toddler years in to child years, if that makes any sense.

I know children of that age that are, but it’s not because they’re stubborn, it’s due to trauma or additional needs.

When you say a handful what do you mean?

That sounds completely normal for a 4 year old.

I would think a four year old was far too young for CBT and it doesn’t sound like the right solution to the problem. Has a professional recommended this? I agree parenting classes or a book might be more useful - what is his behaviour like at home, exactly?

CBT isn’t going to be effective for a 4 year old, they don’t have the cognitive skills to make the links between thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I’d really only look at play therapy for a child so young. In saying that it sounds like you’re looking for therapy to “fix” a four year old basically being 4, how are you responding to his behaviour? Are you spending time playing, reading with him, just being about the house? Could you do with parenting support?

Our son is not going through any trauma, and I believe he does not have any extra needs.

I believe that if that were the case, his nursery would have informed me since he has been enrolled for two years now.

Ok let me elaborate handful

Essentially, simply ignoring all instructions.

Requesting specific foods for breakfast/dinner and once put in front of him, he decides that “he doesn’t like/want it” - He repeated that behavior this morning, and before I could stop him, he had thrown his breakfast away in the bin.

He refuses to get in and out of the car, although he is fine in the mornings since he knows he is going to nursery, and he also refuses to sit in the car seat.

I allow him to choose and make his own decisions, but when he changes his mind, he often gets annoyed with me.

I have some worries that when he starts school in September, he may find it challenging to adapt, which could result in negative behaviour. I wouldn't want it to reach a stage where he has to be asked to leave.

Sounds like a normal kid to me.

I find young kids get overwhelmed with too many choices tbh though. They don't need to make their own decisions other than the very simple ones like 'which of these outfits do you want to wear'.

He doesn't need therapy. You probably need to look at your expectations more.

Indeed.

I'd be getting parenting lessons to get tools to learn to effectively manage my child's behaviour not farm him out to a therapist to "fix him"

Your child isnt stupid. They will understand you put them in therapy and that will send a very clear (& bad) message to them.
You must know that? Why would you want that?

Nothing you describe is wildly abnormal in fact you could be describing my dd who is almost 4 yo who is very strong willed. It's just her nature and its my job to parent accordingly.
She's also tall and very articulate and I constantly have to remind my dh (and occasionally myself) some of the expectations of her are unreasonable as she seems older.
Maybe you are the same?

She's also quite sensitive and the thought of her "in therapy" is really awful for me as a mother . She would definitely internalise this as there being something "wrong" with her that needs "fixing".

Unless you have exhausted every avenue available to yourself as an adult and parent I dont believe that therapy for your very normal and untraumatised child is appropriate

Edit: I am in general an advocate for therapy just not in this instance

I don't think you need therapy to get him to sit in the car, I think you need to understand what the issue is and what might help. Maybe a parenting practitioner who would work with you directly?

BTW nursery workers aren't trained in spotting things like Autism. With some children it's very obvious, with others if they are well behaved it isn't necessarily obvious at age 2, 3 or 4. All my children are autistic but none of the preschools or nurseries said anything to us.

Had you ever looked after children before having your own?

So what you describe sounds normal. But to me, it sounds like a couple things need to change in your approach:

(1) you don’t let a 4 year old dictate what foods he is prepared or if he gets to get in the car or not. You’re the parent. He isn’t your 35 year old b&b guest. He is a child. You choose the family meals, perhaps with occasional special requests for birthdays or a treat, and you serve them. No sustitutions. No dancing around trying to please him.

(2) you need to change your expectations. A child who has nothing he is required or expected to do will push back all the time because doesn’t understand what you need of him. Children thrive with firm boundaries and structure, not choice. It sounds like his life is too chaotic with too many options. He probably thrives at nursery because there is dependability and routine, no constant choices, meal times and options are decided for him.

He needs routine, expectations and boundaries, not therapy and a parent who always says yes, but gets confused if he says no when given the choice.

I genuinely appreciate all the advice I've received; it looks like I really need parenting classes.

No, I did not; we became parents for the first time quite early.

Sorry OP, I’m with everyone else - that’s well within the range of normal 4 year old behaviour. You certainly could look for professional help in the form of various parenting books or even parenting classes to give you techniques. And he’ll fundamentally grow out of the types of behaviour you describe. If his personality is stubborn, you can’t “cure” that through therapy - he’ll likely always be a stubborn person - so you may just have to work extra hard to teach him about compromise, team work, sharing, seeing things from other’s point of view, accepting gracefully when you’ve made a mistake, etc. Those will be life lessons you’ll be trying to teach for the next 15 years at least.

I dislike PP saying that there is something bad about a child being “in therapy”. For the right reason it would be appropriate. But when you said therapy I expected you were going to say that the child had been through a major bereavement or had a serious health condition to cope with.

Thank you

Take away most of his decisions from him. He is 4. You are the parent. You are the boss. His behaviour is showing you that he cannot cope with the way things are.

Kindly, get some help with your parenting. You’re setting him up to fail otherwise.

When he is at school, he will be expected to do what he’s told along with 29 other children. He won’t have choices then.

This isn't a therapy issue, it's a parenting one. He's a typical toddler. You need firm, strict boundaries and stop giving him so many open choices.

Firstly, refusal is not an option. He gets in his car seat or you put him in it and he can scream all he likes. It's a safety device. He sits in it. End of story.

If he throws his food away or doesn't eat it, don't make it a thing. Ignore. He doesn't get anything else until next mealtime. Let him tantrum. If he doesn't eat all day, offer toast or a piece of fruit before bed.

Don't give open choices. Its not 'what do you want for dinner?' It's 'Do you want Spaghetti or fish fingers for dinner?' Closed choice. One or the other. If he doesn't choose, you choose for him. Again, let him strop. Just ignore it unless he is being destructive, that's the point at which you step it, stop it and place in time out.

At this age the appropriate treatment is for the parents.

At this age the appropriate treatment is for the parents.

Unless he has been through some trauma or has some type of special needs, which you say he doesn't, then I can't see why you think he needs therapy. These things you describe sound like standard behaviour for a four year old. Why are you giving him so much choice...just tell him to get in the car, it's not a question. Be consistent and make sure he gets plenty of exercise and sleep...

I would read hunt gather parent. Too much choice is overwhelming but also causes children to think they are the centre of the universe. That they should then make all
choices and are in charge.

let him help with getting the table ready or choose if he wants to set the table or clear it etc. focus choices within helping the larger family unit. Rather than him thing he gets to unilaterally decide on things. Because he doesn’t.

he needs structure and boundaries. Not overwhelming choices at 4. At 4 independence isn’t choosing breakfast from a multitude of options , it’s buttering your own toast and getting dressed correctly.

there is no therapy for an untraumatised NT 4yo there is parenting.