Therapy for 4 year old?

[inthecornersofmymind]

Hello and good morning!

I am currently looking for therapy options for our 4-year-old son.

Is there anyone in this group with child(ren) of the same age who are attending therapy sessions?

If so, would you mind sharing some recommendations with me?

My choices include Play Therapy or CBT.

No, pick him up and strap him in. Car safety is a non negotiable.

Children need clear boundaries, not just gentleness with a smile when you're simply trying to make sure he stays alive, ie get in and stay in his car seat. You're the parent and your child needs to know you are in control of the situation - it's actually scary to have so much choice as a child when you don't know the repercussions of that choice. Pull your big girl pants up, make decisions and stick to them.

You child doesn’t needs therapy they need a parent who isn’t tip toeing on egg shells and is too scared to actually parent them.

It shouldn’t take your 10 year old child having to do what you should be doing to see something needs to change. You do not need to coax or bribe a 4 YO to get into the car. You tell them to get in and if they refuse you put them in. There’s no need for “gently” explaining anything. Your 4 YO knows you’re a soft touch and they’ll grow to have less and less respect for you.

You said in a previous reply that you like to let your child make their own choices. This is not healthy when done to the extreme. You’re giving him too much responsibility and freedom and it is doing the opposite of what you think it’s doing. Children need direction and structure and not to feel like they have too much responsibility weighing on them.

@inthecornersofmymind "I allow him to choose and make his own decisions"

And that's your problem, right there. A four year old should not be making decisions. He hasn't got the capacity or emotional intelligence. You are putting too much responsibility on his shoulders. It is your job as a parent to make damn sure he sits in his car seat and eats his breakfast for his own good and the sanity of the whole family. Your 10 year old should not be parenting and you should not be offering "little incentives" (in other words bribing) your child to do the things he should be doing.

Why is your little boy in nursery for five full days a week if you don’t work? Would it be helpful for him to go less, so that you can build more of a parenting bond with him?

He really enjoys nursery, so it wouldn't be helpful for him to go less often.

Thank you for your suggestion, but our 10-year-old is doing well and does not need any therapy.

Thank you for taking the time to comment; I truly appreciate all the advice and suggestions offered.

Your 10yo is already a better parent than you are.

Stop with the over explaining and letting him make decisions, he's 4. Clear expectations and boundaries with consequences is what you need.

You may think your 10 YO is doing well but he sounds frustrated at watching your lack of parenting and is taking matters into his own hands.

You don’t want him to grow up and tell you how angry it made him as a child seeing you pussy foot around your 4 YO and that actually your 10 YO felt pushed aside and overlooked because you were too busy focusing on your out of control 4 YO because you wouldn’t step up and parent him properly.

He is not pushed aside or overlooked in the slightest.

He may not have the same opinion.

It sounds very normal. Medicalising probably isn’t appropriate or productive.

Your DS is perfectly normal. I used the “if you don’t do X, in 3,2,1” then immediate consequences (pick up child, take away toy, remove from situation, etc.)

That didn’t work for DD2 (too confusing) so I tried other approaches like picking up immediately and physically putting on coat and early instructions (after we finish eating, we put our plates in sink).

regardless of method, most things were nonnegotiable.

I also gave small decisions within big instructions:

”we are all going to pack our suitcases after breakfast. You need two PJs. Go pick two and put them in case, etc.”

My dad specialises in play therapy , he deals with mentally / sexually / abused children in care , not strong willed children testing boundaries . Have a google there are lots of books out there that could help you .

Through your eyes maybe but he may think differently. You haven’t been able to see that your 4 YO is walking all over you and has no respect for you so you may not be seeing clearly what your 10 YO is experiencing.

He won’t understand the cbt. Play therapy would be helpful if he’d had a trauma. But the best interventions would be with you, supporting you therapeutically or with parenting course, or a parent and child therapy such as video interaction guidance. Ask your health visitor for referral pathways

This morning has not gone well; my husband declined to help me with our 4-year-old, who simply wouldn’t cooperate.

He refused and said that it’s something I need to deal with, then began laughing, which made our 10-year-old speak up and say, 'Dad, this really isn't funny.'

I felt really irritated and upset, so I chose not to do the school run and had him take them instead.

I sent him a message asking him since when I have been married to a clown and advised him to remain out for a few hours.

You clearly have a husband issue, not a child issue. But I think you know that

I accept that I am currently in denial.

I like to think of myself as a supportive wife; if my husband is dealing with issues or feels awkward about anything, I'm right there to take charge.

I just want him to be a parent to our 4-year-old son when he notices him becoming challenging.

If he refuses to do something, just intervene; it only takes a few seconds, and our 4-year-old listens to him.

Your husband needed to back you up, not take over. You need to present a united and authoritative front. Currently the four year old doesn’t believe a word you say and is using that. Every time you give up and get your husband to parent you are weakening your position and making things worse.

Perhaps a nanny would help for a few months so you can learn some parenting techniques from them?

Thank you for your advice, but I cannot entertain that option.

You need tk ask yourself why your 4 YO listens to your husband but not you? You shouldn’t need another adult to back you up so your child listens and respects you.

Bluntly, you’ve been far too soft on your youngest and you may think you’re doing a great thing by giving him independence and options all the time but this is what you’ve created.

Stop trying to negotiate and bribe him and tell him what’s happening. If he doesn’t get in the car after your first ask, you pick him up and put him in. If he doesn’t get changed when you ask him, you change him him. If he doesn’t want to eat what you serve, you tell him that’s fine but there’s nothing else and then you leave it on the table for him to come back to, you don’t go and make him something else.

Yeah this is normal 4 year old behaviour. Ive got two and both behaved exactly the same. They grow out of it.

Thank you for your comment.

What approach did you take to manage it, and wasn't it stressful for you?