I hate my Birthday, to make it worse l am 50 next month.

[Solongtoshort]

l need advice, l can feel the argument building already, we have had the same conversation twice already, l hate the pressure.

As the title says, l hate my birthday, it’s actually nothing to do with turning 50, l am in a good place with my life. Two lovely children, a happy marriage, a nice home and l am in college to change my job. I have a handful of friends who l see every few weeks and l have my health, honestly l am grateful for what l have.

But l don’t get why birthdays are such a big deal, l like other people birthdays, l make sure my children have lovely birthdays.

Growing up with 3 siblings and a birthday early Feb, l never got any presents, we weren’t rich, my parents were probably still paying Christmas off in January and l would get my birthday presents at the end of February, My siblings all had birthdays later in the year and they had parties in the garden, balloons, streamers big cakes, they were so much fun. I am smiling remembering them, One of my favourite photos of all 4 of us is at my little sister party. There was only one year l had a party, my 18th and my aunty paid for a stripper, you can not imagine how mortified l was and then one of my other aunties telling me l had to take part because l was being ungrateful and it was my party, l think people thought l was crying with laughter l really wasn’t .

Cut to now , l still hate my birthday and all the pressure of what do you want for your birthday, what are you doing for your 50th seems like it’s magnified by 100 times. I learnt when l was younger if l wanted any thing, to just get it myself, l work hard so l can afford to do this within reason.

l have just had a repeated conversation with my husband, what do you want for your birthday, l said just get me flowers and chocolates, in fact l said mslteasers, l love them and have you seen the price of a big box now!! My god!!. Then he starts going on about how he has ideas for gifts so l said please don’t buy me a voucher to go to a spa, l don’t enjoy it, Don’t get me vouchers for the hairdressers l am looking to change, definitely don’t buy me a gift where it’s something l have to do with someone. I am not very materialistic l don’t care for things and l don’t want to get “something” l don’t want or need because that’s just a waste of money.

And this is the problem, he takes it personally like l don’t want anything from him, what’s it going to look like to everyone,but l don’t care what it looks like to everyone else, it’s my birthday!! . My friends are trying to organise a big night out and l know it’s going to involve a birthday headband/ hat. I don’t want that it feels like forced fun. I just want to hide under the covers and not speak of it and let it pass.

Am l mad not to enjoy my birthday? I can’t be the only one?

And yes l know there’s bigger problems in the world but this feels like mine at the moment and honestly my whole body feels heavy with dread, sorry it’s so long!! I know l am lucky to have people who want to spend on me for my birthday, l would rather just rather it be a different day and not centred on me.

I don't celebrate my birthday at all. I hate it. By the time I got to 40 I'd had it with politely trying to get people to avoid it and just put my foot down. Now it goes by without any recognition whatsoever, just as I like it. DH respects it completely, DC don't even know when it is.

I’m so with you here. It was my birthday last week. I tell my adult children and DH not to bother with cards or presents so they don’t. I had a lovely day at home cleaning and wouldn’t have it any other way.

i have a cousin who says why on earth would you celebrate being a year closer to death?

No not you! You’re happy to do that! Personally we all love birthdays in our house, so it’s not applicable to me either, but this lady is going through a really hard time and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that her husband respects her wishes for her to do what she wants one day out of 365 days a year. Why would he try and make a hard day for her even worse by doing something she doesn’t want to do. My husband would never do that.

I’m an introvert married to a raging extrovert. Our 50th’s were weeks apart and he wanted a huge party at home. I found the whole thing so stressful.. finding the right dress, losing weight to get into it, arguing with the caterer, worried about who was mixing with who, worried about my dd who decided to have a joint that night and show me up.. I’ve always said never again.. but guess what’s coming up..

I was exactly the same. I refused to have a party. Refused to go out. Told the relative that insisted she was visiting that I wouldn’t be there. We went as a family to stay somewhere really nice ( animal based activity) and I had a lovely time. No one sent me a card with a number on. They didn’t understand and I felt a tiny bit mean but it was my birthday and that was the way I wanted it. People try to make it all about them and what they think you should have and I hate a fuss!

I am just the same. I thought it would be nice though to go out on my fiftieth so I booked myself a day on the train to London. I had a super time. So too it transpired did my colleagues who had organised me a surprise party, hey ho at least I was saved the embarrassment and they had a good night out without me😂

I am not a fan of my birthday either and am same age as you this year!
I recently read about someone that started a tradition of going away by herself every birthday, and I'm considering doing that.

I don’t like being the centre of attention. I cringe inside when a group of people sing me happy birthday and I have to pretend that I’m lapping it up. Hate it.

I ask for plants for my garden each birthday and Mother’s Day. Bulbs or trees or shrubs. I’m not bothered with things but I always love things to grow

I hear you OP. I am similar although my birthday is in the summer. I grew up quite poor and my family just didn't have money to spare. My birthday is mid month and I either got money at the start of the month or the end of month and nothing on the day. Not even a happy birthday. As an adult my mum still regularly forgets, she has actually spoken to me on the day and forgotten. Then called to apologise the next day.
I feel I never learnt how to celebrate myself or my birthday and am now uncomfortable with it. I find it best to ask for a meal out, that way the people around me feel like they have done something and I treat myself to something if i want it.

Im a nightmare when it comes to Birthdays.

Like you @Solongtoshort , my birthday fell at a very inconvenient time for the family - our week holiday in a caravan in Bognor so was usually marked with a Knicker Bocker Glory ( I had no say )

Then in later life, again birthday was always overshadowed by taking the (step ) kids on holiday

So the 50th came - big birthday and everyone wants to make a fuss. So I agreed to a party - at the house, that I catered. I hate being the centre of attention and whilst everyone was there for me ( and the free booze and drink ) it meant I could feel confident as I am a natural hostess.

It wasnt a bad night, Yes the step daughter got pissed and said too much, yes another guest got legless and decorated a bathroom with his stomach contents and yes I was busy at first ensuring everyone was catered for, But then I found time to chat with good friends and family

Having a big party at the house was the lesser of all evils tbh I had plenty of helpers who were - you go and enjoy yourself we will do this - but I held on to a lot of control so I wasnt overwhelmed.

A new bed and a takeaway night sound lovely.

It also sounds like you have some lovely memories of other family members summer birthday parties when you were growing up. You could also ask your DH to plan a summer garden party this year, it doesn’t have to be a big birthday themed event, but just a lovely summer garden party with balloons and cake. 🎂

I really dislike birthdays, for no reason really. I had a perfectly nice childhood, and enjoyed my childhood birthday parties. I just have no interest in celebrating as an adult. When the DC were little I used to let them buy a cake with DH because they loved cake and an opportunity to blow out candles, but now that they are adults I can't be arsed. So I told the family that I wouldn't be celebrating my birthday anymore, and I don't. The only one who is bothered is my Mum who is quite passive aggressive and brings it up every time I see her for a month beforehand and then says "Oh no, I forgot, I'm not allowed to buy you a present" But her dementia is getting worse so I think she might not remember that it's my birthday at all this year.

Cinema?

Painting at a ceramics cafe?

Cat cafe?

Mini-golf?

Just treat it as having a nice day out with family.

I am your birthday twin ish!!! 50 next month (and middle child!)
I can’t think of anything worse than a party and just like you I’m not bothered about getting anything super special. People go on about it though - all sorts of suggestions have been made by other people but luckily my DH knows I just want a Chinese meal out. No washing up no planning but my favourite and I don’t get very often at all. I’m thinking of it as 25 revisited!

I regard birthdays as a reason to finally pull your socks up and do something you have been meaning to do for years, especially if it makes someone else happy because thay can organise it for you as a treat.

So for instance one birthday my husband sorted a balloon ride for me and also a Rammstein concert. Another one was a trip abroad to a rather obscure and non-tourist area where I had ancestral connections.

Op - you clearly internalised all those early messages that your birthday isn't marked or celebrated, you must have experienced disappointment at a very early age. We also weren't a birthday house, I also don't like birthday parties but I ask my family for an experience that I do enjoy - could you plan a break with your husband, or an experience which is extra special? I would do it for you, not them. We all carry around a young version of ourselves. Maybe it is time to tell your younger self that it is OK to take time out to be grateful and mark the day you arrived in the world. I actually think a little bit of counselling would really help.

As far as I can see, the OP’s husband isn’t suggesting anything even remotely like a party.

I think others should just respect your wishes. I have a ‘big’ birthday this year and have made it very clear that I don’t want anyone doing anything. I keep repeating it. I’m going to do what I want and organise it myself. I’m very good at organising special birthdays but I only do it for my children and myself, no-one else. I do agree with other posters that at least your family are keen to make it special it’s very different when you have a situation where your birthday didn’t count/treated differently with the very people doing this having high expectations on their own birthdays.

Have you thought about treating yourself and the family to a really nice meal at somewhere you wouldn’t usually go? Or a weekend away with DH? Or a trip to London with a meal and show and nice hotel?
I’m like you. I don’t want any fuss. Understated is good. So this is probably how I will do it.