I hate my Birthday, to make it worse l am 50 next month.

[Solongtoshort]

l need advice, l can feel the argument building already, we have had the same conversation twice already, l hate the pressure.

As the title says, l hate my birthday, it’s actually nothing to do with turning 50, l am in a good place with my life. Two lovely children, a happy marriage, a nice home and l am in college to change my job. I have a handful of friends who l see every few weeks and l have my health, honestly l am grateful for what l have.

But l don’t get why birthdays are such a big deal, l like other people birthdays, l make sure my children have lovely birthdays.

Growing up with 3 siblings and a birthday early Feb, l never got any presents, we weren’t rich, my parents were probably still paying Christmas off in January and l would get my birthday presents at the end of February, My siblings all had birthdays later in the year and they had parties in the garden, balloons, streamers big cakes, they were so much fun. I am smiling remembering them, One of my favourite photos of all 4 of us is at my little sister party. There was only one year l had a party, my 18th and my aunty paid for a stripper, you can not imagine how mortified l was and then one of my other aunties telling me l had to take part because l was being ungrateful and it was my party, l think people thought l was crying with laughter l really wasn’t .

Cut to now , l still hate my birthday and all the pressure of what do you want for your birthday, what are you doing for your 50th seems like it’s magnified by 100 times. I learnt when l was younger if l wanted any thing, to just get it myself, l work hard so l can afford to do this within reason.

l have just had a repeated conversation with my husband, what do you want for your birthday, l said just get me flowers and chocolates, in fact l said mslteasers, l love them and have you seen the price of a big box now!! My god!!. Then he starts going on about how he has ideas for gifts so l said please don’t buy me a voucher to go to a spa, l don’t enjoy it, Don’t get me vouchers for the hairdressers l am looking to change, definitely don’t buy me a gift where it’s something l have to do with someone. I am not very materialistic l don’t care for things and l don’t want to get “something” l don’t want or need because that’s just a waste of money.

And this is the problem, he takes it personally like l don’t want anything from him, what’s it going to look like to everyone,but l don’t care what it looks like to everyone else, it’s my birthday!! . My friends are trying to organise a big night out and l know it’s going to involve a birthday headband/ hat. I don’t want that it feels like forced fun. I just want to hide under the covers and not speak of it and let it pass.

Am l mad not to enjoy my birthday? I can’t be the only one?

And yes l know there’s bigger problems in the world but this feels like mine at the moment and honestly my whole body feels heavy with dread, sorry it’s so long!! I know l am lucky to have people who want to spend on me for my birthday, l would rather just rather it be a different day and not centred on me.

I don't hate my birthday but I prefer it to be low key. We usually just get a takeaway with my family and if there is a film on I want to see I will got and see that with DH and we'll eat out but if not we stay in. I usually just get cards, money and some sweets so I can buy what I want when I am ready. There is no need to make a big deal of it if you don't want to.

But l don’t get why birthdays are such a big deal, l like other people birthdays, l make sure my children have lovely birthdays.

You do get why birthdays are a big deal, more than most I would say.

I think you are bringing some of this on yourself. People want to get you something, if you don't tell them what you might want, then you can't blame them if they get something you don't!

I'm very far from a materialistic person but I can't imagine not being able to think of ANYTHING I want to have or do. Don't you have any interests or hobbies? You might not want 'stuff' but something nice for the house or plant for the garden? Tickets to a gig or show or sports match? A trip/even just a night away to a beautiful/interesting part of the country, staying in a nice hotel and having a good meal? Gym membership? An activity you've always wanted to try, whether that's silversmithing, abseiling, or tapdancing? Or just nicer versions of stuff you use anyway - moisturiser, candles, bedsheets, etc.

Same with a night out with your friends - I often do this with mine for birthdays but tbh othen than saying 'happy birthday' and maybe asking 'did you have a nice day/what else do you have planned?' i.e. about a minute of small talk, then we just talk about everything else for the rest of the time. You're acting like the sole focus of a 3 hour meal is going to be totally on you, but why would it? Most people just see it as an excuse for everyone to catch up. I've never worn or seen any of my friends wear birthday badges or anything either as adults, so if you don't want to, then don't!

I don’t like doing loads of things (sports day, standing in biting cold watching rugby matches, handling raw meat because they are meat lovers… I could go on).

I do it for my family.
and I am pretty sure my family doing things just to make me happy.

So going out for a birthday meal with my kids and blowing out candles is for them.

I felt the same, I don’t have fond memories of birthdays. Some have been meh. My DH was insistent we marked the occasion so we had a fancy meal out. I actually combine pre-dinner drinks with a friend whose birthday is on the same day so a lot of that awkward attention fell on him. 🤣 My DD came home from uni but the others couldn’t be there. It was lovely and intimate, no big pressure & my DH surprised me with a beautiful piece of jewellery. I think I would ask your DH for this, in your position, just something nice to wear & remember we’ve done 50 birthdays. It was totally low key, and just very comfortable. Later on in the year I got a new car and we went on a special holiday.

Actually for me I have managed to start enjoying some of my birthday now I have DC. One of my DC from a young age really enjoyed the ritual of making me a card, getting me some chocolate and it being a surprise. I don't mind that bit, I just can't be arsed with trying to arrange something that no one can be bothered with in February again.

Is there absolutely nothing you want OP? When you go shopping over the next year, is there absolutely nothing that might catch your eye? I’d be surprised if you couldn’t think of something if you get over your mental block around birthdays themselves.

I wonder if you could identify something which is a keepsake and which reminds you of your DH’s obvious love for you. Maybe a fine chain, or a little pendant?

Yes I think most people are the same. They would do anything for their family. We are talking about one day here when it’s nice for your family to do something you want. Parents don’t have to martyr themselves on their own birthday surely. My family enjoy doing whatever I want on my birthday because they want to see me happy.

I was 50 last year, and definitely know I am not someone who wanted a party! Everyone kept asking me. My response was I am old enough to know what I do and don’t like now.

i basicalky said to husband I would just like a nice family holiday - something a bit more special than usual.

i did a few nights out, but in small groups and we basically did something I wanted to do - like see a theatre show, or somewhere I wanted to try for food. The deal was no candles, no fuss, no singing and I am not wearing anything stupid!
my actual birthday just went out for day with husband for a nice lunch and cocktails whilst kids at school.

rather than make it what you don’t want, suggest something you would like to do that makes you happy. Can be really simple.

This sounds like a perfect solution

Thank goodness I am not alone. I hate celebrating my birthday and I have never told anyone. I celebrate theirs because it gives them all so much pleasure but I hate it. I hate receiving presents- at Christmas too. I think it is because I prefer to see and celebrate with people throughout the year just because we all want to.

I have never understood why people love it so. I share a birthday with a friend and she absolutely loves it and expects loads of presents etc, but because of our shared date she is happy to go out for high tea - just the two of us and I find that fun because it’s nice to see her and catch up.

I have no advice just a “handhold” 😂

Its your birthday so do what you want however its lovely family and friends want to spoil you so i would let them..my birthday is also early february so i totally understand the 'but you had your big present at xmas so you dont get a birthday present' whilst yes siblings got 2 presents, infact because my birthday was ignored i now love it its the one day of the year which is your day and everyone deserves to be spoilt one day a year

I am much the same and have it made it clear in a few years time my 50th will be a meal with my daughters and husband.
is there a nice handbag or piece of jewellery you would like. If you can find something they’d buy that you’d like maybe that’s the way forward?

Kindly I think you are blowing this up out of all proportion! Look you have a kind husband .good job ,friends ,DC .All you need to say is . Meal (somewhere of your choosing) and may be a day out (half price 2 for 1 Tower of London ATM)as well. So many women complain of thoughtless hubs who dont give a toss! Maybe see if you can arrange a trip out shopping and choose a nice handbag or some earrings ?

When I seen the title of your post, I had to check it wasn't my post.

I can very much relate.

I tried and wanted to ignore my 50th just as I do with all my birthdays.

I organised with my daughter we woukd go away, I love weekends away.

My well meaning older dc and sisters organised one thing I really, really hate - a pub lunch.

I was absolutely gutted. They bought me presents like skin care that I cany use (i have very obvious Roscea and psoriasis)

It all made me so unloved and I realised they really dont know me.

With hindsight, I should have gone away the weekend of my birthday and avoided the awkward lunch!

Make plans, anything so at least you do something you enjoy.

Dh has the same attitude to his birthday. He just wants to sulk for the day under the guise of not making a big deal of it. It's tiresome.

You say you don't get why birthdays are a big deal but you're the one making a big deal of it by hating it. You're not saying that you're not bothered or you can take it or leave it. Hate is a strong emotion and that is a big deal.

You need to find a way to move on. You're stuck in a very negative thought pattern that might have helped to protect your emotions when you were a lot younger but it's not serving you well now.

So I can understand why you don't like birthdays,as your childhood experience explains that ..
the negative feelings towards your birthday have stuck with you
,as have the fact you allow yourself to enjoy other people's birthdays,
like you did your siblings.
Have you thought about asking for money from your DH
,and using it to fund some sessions with a counsellor.
Your birthday was the same date every year ,just like your siblings birthdays were .
.how awful for you as a little child ,to see the fuss they got ,
and to realise you didn't get the same ..
not ever get the same .
.that must of caused you so much pain as a child
,I feel so much sympathy towards you for this
..I can't imagine ever treating a child of mine so badly.
And you describe the upset at your 18 th birthday so clearly,it is obviously still causing you distress .
You deserve a happy birthday,with gifts and balloons and a party
,and I think you have conditioned yourself to think you don't want that ,
because the possible pain of it not happening again ,
after hoping for it
,is to much to bear
Whatever you decide,I hope you have a very happy birthday.. because god knows you deserve it x

Yanbu at all to feel this way. I think you need to get clear in your own mind what it is you want and don’t want as regards your birthday and then you can be clear with folk and set boundaries. Obviously if by this stage people have already got gifts you’ll probably have to be gracious and remember to let people know earlier next year.
But if what you want is to ignore it completely, say so.
If you don’t want a big tacky party or night out say so, and tell them all you want is a meal- no balloons or headbands or strippers or you won’t be pleased. Tell them firm as you can ‘I will not enjoy anything like that so don’t’.
If people are asking what you want, it’s fine to say ‘please don’t get me anything, there’s nothing I want or need, just your company at the meal will be lovely’. Or, give specific suggestions for gifts.
Again, surprise gifts you will just have to be gracious about. It’s not such a big deal to get a gift you don’t particularly want. Smile, put it away or if you have to wear it/show it off once do so then put it away. And remember for next year to give plenty advance warning

Martyr myself? By saying yes to a meal out at my favourite restaurant with my children and then blowing out some candles on a cake when we get home?

I know what you mean OP. I feel like this: I wouldn’t want my family to not send me cards but I never want a great fuss. When I hear of “big” birthdays that turn into an attention-seeking celebration (name in lights flashing in the garden, yes that really happened) I find it cringing. Leave me alone to get through the day.

Dont blame you if that's how your birthday was treated growing up, sorry op that sucks, and it wasn't right.

With regards to your post though, my birthday is end of January and I feel similar. I'm just not fussed about my birthday anymore especially as my youngest is now the day after me so that is more my focus now. Your DH just has to accept your wishes. Funnily enough I've also asked for malteasers 😆and maybe a hand made card from the kids, but I don't want presents. I have asked for a morning to myself to read with coffee (and the malteasers no doubt) and an afternoon walk and cake with DH and the kids. But quiet birthdays are what I prefer now, your DH needs to understand it's YOUR birthday and therefore what YOU want, not what he wants you to want...

@Solongtoshort i get it. Birthdays were weaponised by my mum and I’ve grown up feeling very uncomfortable about celebrating.
but I love celebrating other people which means my friends and family really want to reciprocate.

So I ask for one of the following from my husband-

• tickets to a particular theatre show or gig
• dinner at a nicer than usual restaurant with him

From my kids…

• chocolates and a movie night together at home

From my friends

• Afternoon tea or a brunch together
• or a night out at the local pub and they can buy me a few drinks

I hope you have a lovely day.

I think getting a new bed and going out with your own family is a great idea.

I don’t like my birthday either. It’s in December and my whole life it’s just felt like an inconvenience to everyone else. So now if just feels like an awkward situation. I was also dreading my 50th because people would be expecting me to do something. I went out with my dh, sister and brother in law for breakfast in a nice cafe and then dh and I made my favourite dinner in the evening and we had that with the dc at home.

I'm with you OP. My birthday is also next month and I'm already getting the "what do you want/want to do for your birthday".

I'd like to go out for a few drinks and food with DH and that's it but I feel obliged to include the children and parents because they want to be a part of it.

I know what you mean about 50 as I had so much pressure at 40 that I ended up getting really upset about it all. I have no idea why but I really just don't enjoy birthdays.

How about you do something kid oriented on the day like bowling or the cinema then food out? Tell your dh you’d love flowers and a balloon. The kids will see the loveliness of it all, they need to learn to do something on birthdays and enjoy them too!