I hate my Birthday, to make it worse l am 50 next month.

[Solongtoshort]

l need advice, l can feel the argument building already, we have had the same conversation twice already, l hate the pressure.

As the title says, l hate my birthday, it’s actually nothing to do with turning 50, l am in a good place with my life. Two lovely children, a happy marriage, a nice home and l am in college to change my job. I have a handful of friends who l see every few weeks and l have my health, honestly l am grateful for what l have.

But l don’t get why birthdays are such a big deal, l like other people birthdays, l make sure my children have lovely birthdays.

Growing up with 3 siblings and a birthday early Feb, l never got any presents, we weren’t rich, my parents were probably still paying Christmas off in January and l would get my birthday presents at the end of February, My siblings all had birthdays later in the year and they had parties in the garden, balloons, streamers big cakes, they were so much fun. I am smiling remembering them, One of my favourite photos of all 4 of us is at my little sister party. There was only one year l had a party, my 18th and my aunty paid for a stripper, you can not imagine how mortified l was and then one of my other aunties telling me l had to take part because l was being ungrateful and it was my party, l think people thought l was crying with laughter l really wasn’t .

Cut to now , l still hate my birthday and all the pressure of what do you want for your birthday, what are you doing for your 50th seems like it’s magnified by 100 times. I learnt when l was younger if l wanted any thing, to just get it myself, l work hard so l can afford to do this within reason.

l have just had a repeated conversation with my husband, what do you want for your birthday, l said just get me flowers and chocolates, in fact l said mslteasers, l love them and have you seen the price of a big box now!! My god!!. Then he starts going on about how he has ideas for gifts so l said please don’t buy me a voucher to go to a spa, l don’t enjoy it, Don’t get me vouchers for the hairdressers l am looking to change, definitely don’t buy me a gift where it’s something l have to do with someone. I am not very materialistic l don’t care for things and l don’t want to get “something” l don’t want or need because that’s just a waste of money.

And this is the problem, he takes it personally like l don’t want anything from him, what’s it going to look like to everyone,but l don’t care what it looks like to everyone else, it’s my birthday!! . My friends are trying to organise a big night out and l know it’s going to involve a birthday headband/ hat. I don’t want that it feels like forced fun. I just want to hide under the covers and not speak of it and let it pass.

Am l mad not to enjoy my birthday? I can’t be the only one?

And yes l know there’s bigger problems in the world but this feels like mine at the moment and honestly my whole body feels heavy with dread, sorry it’s so long!! I know l am lucky to have people who want to spend on me for my birthday, l would rather just rather it be a different day and not centred on me.

I think it's worse when there's no one who cares about you or your birthday. You are lucky to have people who care and want to celebrate with you.

But if it bothers you so much, can't you say you'd rather just go out for a nice family meal or something, rather than a big night out? It sounds like they will be disappointed if you do nothing at all, so something quieter might be a compromise they'll accept?

Could you let your DH pay for a takeaway?

I know it’s hard- I’m a homebody so don’t want to go out and don’t want to get “things” I’m not really bothered about so it can be tricky.

Try as hard as you can to think of what you do want (even if that’s a day/night in relaxing) and tell everyone that is what you want, rather than saying “I don’t want anything”.

@EBearhug l think the reason l don’t like my birthday is because l grew up feeling like no one cared about it for 30 years, k can’t just flick a switch and me all TaDa it all about me today.

l have said l just want a family meal, nothing big no big surprises, butitsjust pushed back as me being awkward.

I get you, my friends make a big deal with mine. I don't mind some flowers and chocolates or even a lovely scented candle...but it all becomes a big deal...I guess I don't like being fussed over or being centre of attention much....

@OneFineDay22 maybe you have a point, l will try this out tomorrow.

So just do what you want? I went away for a weekend.

@WryNecked l don’t know what l want, We have a family holiday planned, l have a regular weekend with my friends planned and a regular trip with my husband planned, Another one just seems excessive. .

l don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting till l really want something, but again this as seen as me being awkward.

I hear you.

My birthday is just a few days before Christmas and it feels like people make a point of how much of an effort they've put into even just remembering it. "Oh i've been so busy and focused on Christmas but don't worry, I didn't forget you".....

I love celebrating other peoples birthdays as I feel every day is a blessing, growing old is a privilege not given to everyone. But feel guilty wanting to celebrate my own birthday because it's such an effort for everyone else.

Is there literally nothing you like? Massage, nails done, book voucher, lunch out?

I’m a single parent

Not bothered or care about my birthday ih the slightest. My kids care though. They love doing something for me. So I will always give them ideas and “celebrate”. For their sake. Not mine.

Are your kids bothered? How old are they?

I got vouchers for a massage at Christmas, l know if l get money l don’t keep it aside for myself, then when l do want anything l just use my own money. I have spent the last year decluttering, so l feel this is all just stuff. My 10 year old has made/making me something, my 13 year old doesn’t seem bothered.

What about a day out somewhere. London? A castle or stately home near you? National Trust membership, a trip to the theatre? Afternoon tea?

It sounds like your childhood birthdays were ignored and your siblings birthdays celebrated. This must have been hard for you at the time but your coping mechanism has pushed you into not wanting any fuss on your birthday. Honestly if that is what makes you feel better then you are not unreasonable, although I do feel sad for you. But people now being annoyed with you for not wanting anothing is adding an extra level.

I am getting a couple of “well established” nut trees for my birthday
A decent sized tree is not cheap so for others feels like a substantial present

Just be firm and direct - your family and friends surely know how you feel already so just reaffirm it “I will not be wearing the you are 50 hat so please really don’t bother”

Snap I hate my birthday. Mines in December and the hate started when my partner (later husband) had a sibling who had the same birthday as me. So my partners behaviour made me feel like my birthday was hard work. He did try bless him but not hard enough then you had to fake the “oh wow what an amazing gift” when it wasn’t.

I think you have two choices- you either get a birthday that you want and reframe it so it is a celebration. So that may be saying to your family you don’t want gifts but why not go somewhere together as a family for a day out and then a meal. Birthday doesn’t even have to be mentioned.

or you just tell everyone that you don’t want t celebrate it , you don’t want a fuss etc. now this is the hard option because despite this being your decision and you should be respected for it people feel that they need to make an effort and they still will for years so there’s some hard conversations to be held. ive chosen the latter , but have to put up with parents from my teens. I can’t say no to them.’

I'm not surprised you hate birthdays given the history.

I actually think your husband is being really unfair here. He should respect your wishes. What you actually want for your birthday is to let it pass quietly with some low key gifts. You should get what you want on your birthday not what he thinks you should want or what would make other people think he's a good husband.

Would your friends listen if you told them very clearly that you genuinely do not want to celebrate? They should. Again, your birthday is about you and not them.

Are you sure this is about your birthday and not about your husband not listening to you?

Whether you want a grand masked ball, or want to sit at home in your pyjamas, it’s about what you want to do, not your husband.

I would be very annoyed if my husband didn’t listen to what I wanted. I’d feel like he doesn’t really know me and that would be sad. It’s your birthday, you should do what you want, not what he thinks you should want.

I'm the same but my husband - and parents -listen and don't add to the pressure. I do like to do something to keep the children happy, in a nice way, I love their love. Doing something, but not on the day itself, and an experience for the whole family not just me, helps take the pressure off too

I have a birthday at a similar time of the year which I also don't like. Like you I don't mind other people's birthdays, it's just mine I hate. It started quite young but wasn't my parents fault, if anything I feel quite bad for them as they kept trying to give me a good time especially when it was obvious I hated it. I always found it too soon after Christmas for my liking and this is a time of year where I feel quite glum.

Do you also find that the people that insist that you celebrate your birthday are often the very people that make it crap?

Book yourself into somewhere on the nights before and after your birthday so you can't have anything sprung on you? I too don't like my birthdays, I hate anything which draws attention to me! One abiding memory was of my 16th birthday, almost 62 years ago, as I came downstairs I heard Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen being played on the record player by my mother and brother, I refused to go another step until it stopped!
Just refuse to go to anything planned.

@HumphreyCobblers you got it, it was hard for me when l was younger to accept the way my birthday was treated, l remember my dads mum telling me to suck it up, life is hard on my 6th birthday because l was sulking l didn’t get birthday ballon’s/present, l think this was the first time l realised my birthday was treated differently. My older sister always insisted l got to blow her candles out first at her birthday party, which l later found out that my mum made her do this. l do live away from my family because l feel detached from them and they always joke, l have middle child syndrome l just roll my eyes, but l guess just view my life different. I get it was due to circumstance and l know that l am do know l am loved by my family, l just prefer the distance and your right about it adding another level of pressure.

My husband is a good husband and does listen to me, l think this is all because he grew up having fantastic birthdays and because he and. sister is all TaDa about birthday’s ,l think he try’s to give me a birthday they both appreciate and because he see’s the effort l put into my children's/his birthdays he is just trying to reciprocate it for me.

l have just been shopping and overheard two people talking about getting a new bed, Ours is 17 years old the mattress about 9, so l am going to say l want a new bed. We are having tea out so hopefully that will be the end of it, les face it l will get years of use out of it.

Why not just suggest a meal out and birthday cake back at home?

I totally agree with you, OP. I don't understand what we're meant to be celebrating, and as for a birthday with a zero..... why is 50 supposedly more important than 49 or 51?!
Just be polite but consistent.... no fuss, please. I find "celebrating" by doing something is much less icky and embarrassing than a load of presents.
I have consistently watered down my birthday for years, to the extent that when I was 60 last year, I went away on my own....nobody knew me, so nobody wished me Happy Birthday and I managed to ignore the whole thing (but still had a nice day). So keep persevering and you'll get it sorted!

No one is happy with what they have it seems. I'm with a pp - I think on balance it's much harder when no one cares if it's your birthday. Nothing throws THAT into sharp relief more than a 50th.

Was any one suggesting they celebrate your birthday?