How would you manage this childcare issue?

[firstworldprobz]

Probably a simple issue to fix but wondering how other mums manage this.

For context we have no other family (or friends who would be able to assist) so it’s just me and DH. DH works long hours and gets home around 9-10 in the week.

I work from home and freelance writing so I have flexibility to pick my DD up from school after clubs around 4.00-5.

From September I’m going to be studying and need to book my place on a course one day a week. The only courses I can find are finishing st 5.30 in central London, and we live in Zone 3. So all being well with trains I would get home (the school is close) by 6.15/6.30, but in the event of transport issues or strikes it could be later.

The school wraparound care finishes at 5.45.

What kind of childcare am I even looking for for this small once a week block? No nannies would work such a shift surely, but I’m also not comfortable with, say, an unqualified teenager looking after DD. (She is 5 and can be emotional, dysregulated after school and also hates having babysitters and gets really upset).

I know there are plenty of working parents without my flexibility who manage this daily, but I guess if you do it 5 days a week it’s easier to employ someone versus just one evening.

I really want to book this course as it will qualify me for further work but what’s the best solution for me?

Yes it falls to the mum, because OP has said it’s not an option for him to do it.

Definitely not comfortable and don’t think it’s appropriate asking a mum friend when it’s a regular commitment for 2 years!

Well, you wouldn't be asking them to do it unpaid, would you?! It's entirely appropriate to offer paid babysitting to people.

If every single one of your mum friends works that's different though.

I’d take a completely different approach, and speak to the course organiser to see if you can finish early !

I have been in a similar position to you when my kids were small - husband who wasn’t able to do pickups due to his job, plus kids who didn’t cope well with childminder / ASC at the end of a long day. I ended up having to delay my plans/dreams for years sadly.

I think I'd probably look for a child minder who can keep her a bit later that day and can pick up from her school every day, instead ofafter school club. It will be easier for DD to do the same thing every night and a child minder is more likely to take you on if you want more hours

Everyone can apply but for a lot of jobs that level of flexibility is just not feasible. My DH works long hours with frequent overseas trips - if he said he needed to be at home early one day every week for school pickup his boss would think he’d lost his mind, there’s just no way he could do that and still accomplish the work he is paid to do. The request itself would damage his working relationship and promotion prospects as it would be so absurd as a suggestion.

As the OP has said it’s not an option let’s just assume she knows what she’s talking about!

She said he couldn’t change his hours and is sometimes out of the country.

Nothing about annual leave.

It works well for my colleague and several other couples, so I suggested it.

He may well be able to take AL around the out of country visits.

She said she needs to factor him out of the equation. I.e not include him at all.

For the avoidance of doubt…No DH can’t take annual leave every week for 2 years! And flexible working is irrelevant - his job isn’t one where he clocks on and off at set hours. He always works till 9/10pm Mon-Thurs or else he’s abroad. If he’s needed to work he hasn’t got much choice.

After school childminder that does school pick ups.
Advertise locally for someone to work for you one afternoon per week.

When my dd was a 6th former she did this for a couple of children. Worked well for everyone.

You need a babysitter or a nanny. Or you need to get over your aversion to teenagers. Aside from two TAs, all of the staff at our school ASC are teenagers and if you find the right one, they could form a lovely bond.

Ask around fb groups, mums’s chats etc. Our regular babysitter finishes her nannying role at 5pm, so she often does other jobs from 5.30.

I think you’ve ruled out most the options

husband, nearby family, afternoon club, childminder, nanny, teenage babysitter, another mum.

if it’s none of the above I think you’re asking an impossible question

The regular babysitter for this plus ad hoc weekends works.

Finding a backup parent who's also collecting that day and would take your DC home with theirs for half an hour in case the babysitter can't make the occasional date would help.

And letting the course know that there might be a fee weeks you may have to leave half an hour early on occasion if both fall through.

I did 3 years of paying koru kids for collections on top of ASC fees - I think they have minimum hours so may not work for 1 pick up a week - sitters might be more flexible. It stings paying for 2 lots of childcare but saved so much stress trying to leave work exactly on the dot and praying for no train problems...

This. I would research qualified babysitters. I work in a school and some of the Support staff with childcare qualifications offer babysitting.

Good luck!

It’s OP who wants to do the course.
At the end of the day the priority in this is the 5.5 year old who has no say and is totally dependant on their parents. So one of them has to step up / sacrifice. It won’t be forever and that is parenthood.
Assuming a couple are in a work / lifestyle situation they have both agreed to - which is influenced by countless other factors outsiders aren’t always privy to - it’s not always possible that everything can be shared proportionately or equally. FWRs aren’t a magic wand!
OP has said DD already gets dysregulated by long days at school & after school
club. Personally I think that at 5.5 it sounds as if it’s too much for this child to be doing that too regularly, and OP only has to give it a year or 2 and DD will be more resilient to hopefully ease OP’s anxiety about that and do the course lateron by finding an alternative solution to her picking her up on that day.

What would your dh do if he was a mother? I’m guessing he would ask for flexible working. Tues through Fri rather than Mon through Thursday. And he’d be granted it likely. I would do that. So many couples haven’t seemed to get the memo that parenting should be equal, not female default. Has he got this question going currently on dadsnet?

Ah if it's long term I think a regular babysitter wouold be better than another mum.

If it's only the last hour that you can't do would it be possible to just leave an hour earlier? I am a University lecturer and occasionally I've had students that have to do this.
Sometimes the last hour might not be absolutely essential. eg. if there's a 3 hour lab session but all the teaching is done in the first hour and the last hour is stuff you could finish at home?

I would look for a childminder to do pick up (normal school finish time). If it's September they may have space opening up....if they want a more regular commitment you could switch from ASC to the childminder for rest of week as well.

The parent (regardless of sex) in DH's role wouldn't be granted it if their work requires them to be overseas and/or work till 10pm. The business can say no if they have a business reason to say no.

Reasons for refusing
Employers can refuse an application for any of the following reasons:

• extra costs that will damage the business
• the work cannot be reorganised among other staff
• people cannot be recruited to do the work
• flexible working will affect quality
• flexible working will affect performance
• the business will not be able to meet customer demand
• there’s a lack of work to do during the proposed working times
• the business is planning changes to the workforce

He’d probably just hire a babysitter like OP should

Exactly. He does zero pick ups or drop offs. Gets to focus on his career and travel and a moments notice. How lovely for him!

Yet she can’t even get one evening covered by him so she can do a course to further her career.

Why is his career more important? So he never needs to consider childcare.

This is why women end up part time or giving up work.

I speak from experience (bad) I let my DH get away with this. ‘Oh he can’t possibly be home before 9 to help - his job is so important’. He HAD to travel all the time. It was me who juggled everything. Don’t go down that path OP. Why is this not his problem to sort too?

DH may, for example, be a pilot.

So OP can’t do a course one day a week. Yet he gets home at 9-10pm every night and travels lots. He must never see his child. But that’s ok because he’s a man.

Of course OP should get to do a course. And he should help her sort out the childcare for their child. Rather than leaving it all to her. In an ideal world he would arrange his work so he could pick her up from school if she’s that disregulated. This is a joint problem.

I would try to get a childminder but I think you would have to get someone to do the pick up after school rather than from the after school club you are unlikely to get someone willing to get someone willing to do the short time after the after school club as it wouldn't be worth their while

Perhaps see if a school TA would be willing to do this for extra money, we approached my sons TA and she does adhoc babysitting for us. Alternatively some of the local nursery staff in our area offer this. The only issue I would see is half terms etc as most courses seem to run on Uni terms not school.