16 yo son wants GF to sleep over

[Northmanchester]

He's 16 next week and has always said he would not have sex with his 17 year old GF until it was legal. He has asked for her to sleep over or him to sleep @ hers next week. We are very uncomfortable with allowing this as although we've talked about precautions/bought condoms etc. we think the less times they have sex the less chance there is of pregnancy. We know we can't stop it from happening at all. It's a numbers thing. We know he will not be happy when we tell him. Any advice on how we do?

This. ❤️

Why pick an unnecessary parental battle? In 12 months time he will legally be able to drive a car or a small motorbike and he can drive a moped now.

They are going to be having sex anyway, why mess up a parental relationship? It’s not as if he is intent on bringing randoms back. If that was the case my reaction would be different.

l brought a boyfriend back at 16 (no lectures or slut shaming please, l’m in my 40s now) who sometimes stopped over with parental consent. Interestingly although shared a bed we only ever had sex when parents were out. It was also my mum who my friends turned to for support on a variety of things they could not discuss with their own parents.

We allowed it when DS and his GF were that age. I was in touch with the GF mum though (mainly because we live rurally and so do they so easier for lifts etc with no public transport}. He stayed at hers and she stayed here. We were both on the same page knowing where they were. It wasn’t every weekend and certainly not during the week.

It would be a no to both from me until he’s finished his GCSE’s.

What if they are loud and you hear it? What if you bump into her half naked on the landing gong for the post coital pee? He needs to respect how you feel about it when it’s your home!

I would imagine they would do what any of us do when we are in a house with other people. Keep the noise down, and chuck something on to go to the bathroom (son’s GF borrows his dressing gown - she’s a foot shorter so there’s more than full coverage 😀)

I wholeheartedly agree.

Eh?

So what would you do if you had a daughter or son living with a partner but deciding never to marry? It happens.

No I wouldn't allow this.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with them sleeping over. Not facilitating someone’s sex life doesn’t mean they won’t have a sex kids, nor does it mean not talking about it. If they’re old enough to have sex they’re old enough to find somewhere to do it that doesn’t involve other people.

I don’t agree that if you don’t allow it, they will inevitably have sex elsewhere. It’s cold and miserable outside…
By saying no, you’re just not encouraging it.

I think your son needs to talk to his girlfriend about what would happen if she did get pregnant? If they are going to have sex then this needs to be discussed. Is she tracking her periods? Would she know she was late? Would she be able to speak to her parents? Does your son know the difference between a medical and a surgical abortion and what the week cut off is?

What would your son do if she decided to continue a pregnancy after saying she would theoretically terminate a pregnancy? So many things to talk about before they have sex. Consent and condoms are one thing, the pregnancy thing is something he has absolutely no control over.

As a girl and woman I had those options open to me. I saw several friends at secondary get pregnant and continue the pregnancy.

But as well as not encouraging it, you are teaching them that sex is wrong or dirty or something bad.

When mum first found out l was having sex at around 16 (l’m in my 40s now), she was annoyed. Not that l was having sex, my hormones were bubbling, but that l hadn’t confided in her.

@StarlightLady
I don't think it is dirty or wrong, but I personally feel 16 is too young and, as a PP has said, in fact some girls might feel pressurised into becoming sexually active when they don't necessarily want that level of initmacy.

It's strange that when Prince Andrew slept with a 17 year old he was branded a paedophile (not condoning his behaviour i might add), but clearly a lot of people think that 16-17 is still a child).

They would have called him slezazy/ insert other adjectives, if he'd slept with an 18 year old at nearly 40, but not a paedophile.

I'd be on board at 18, or even just before in a committed relationship, but not 16.

You make it sound like parents should be terrified of their kids.

Andrew M-W was in a position of considerable power over VG. A late 30s man having sex with a 17 year old he met at a pub, say, would not be called a paedophile.

ETA replying to @januarybluesaregone

Unless OP is the Queen then that is totally irrelevant

I was replying to a PP and meant to quote them. Have edited for clarity, though I considered it pretty obvious that was what I was doing, TBH.

Op given the info been together a year stable these days at their ages I would definitely allow as he has stated he wanted to wait until he was 16, pretty responsible attitude.
The issue is if you do not allow it will create an atmosphere between the couple and you.

I allowed it. My son and his GF had been together at 15 and in discussion with other mum we told them no sharing bedroom til 16. I’m sure they had sex before this but at 16 both families allowed same room. Both responsible kids.

The point is that 16 year olds are still children

Yes it might be legal, but that's not to say that parents should encourage it.

OP has received plenty of opinions on whether she should allow it, but not very many on her actual question of how to deliver the decision she has already reached.

OP I think @SandrenaIsMyBloodType draws an important distinction. I think it's a "just say no" situation - sorry DS, what you do with your own time is your own business but we are not comfortable with sleepovers at this point. MNers will quite rightly say you don't need to apologise, but I think here it helps by acknowledging his feelings and addressing him in a slightly more adult way while still maintaining the position that it's your house and your decision.

People have rules in their own home about all sorts - vaping, bringing dogs in, taking shoes off, not leaving dishes by the sink. We don't have to answer to our children for them. I would frame it, I think, as just another thing like that. Keep it low key and unemotional. It's not a commentary on how much they love each other or the folly of youth, it's just a house rule you are making in your own house. It's not up for negotiation now, but you'll revisit after A levels/at 18/at some unspecified future point.

Nope. My house, my rules.

I didn't have sex in my parent's house - nor did DH in his parent's house. We never even asked the question.

It's disrepectful.

We had sex when we were on holiday or in one of our respective cars, but mostly when away on holiday, and that was in our early 20's!

Luckily our son never asked, as he understands respect. But we weren't naive enough to think he is still a virgin!

Personally, I think 16 is far too young - he's still a child. There's lots of time for him to get laid and lots of things he could be doing with his girlfriend for fun, without having full on sex.

@Vound

People have rules in their own home about all sorts - vaping, bringing dogs in, taking shoes off, not leaving dishes by the sink.

Nail on the head there!

It doesn’t need to create an atmosphere though. I’d simply explain that while he’s of an age where he can decide to have sex, it’s a boundary for me that he doesn’t do it in my house. I think it’s important that young people develop a private life, and sex is part of that private life. I don’t expose my kids to my sex life - out of respect for them, and I expect the same from them.

We have a very open relationship, we can talk about sex and safety in relationships and there’s nothing dirty or shameful, but it is private.

I didn't have sex in my parent's house - nor did DH in his parent's house. We never even asked the question.
It's disrepectful.

It is not disrespectful to ask if it would be OK to do something that is both legal and enjoyable...

It is OP's prerogative to say no, but the idea that DS shouldn't even ask is odd.

@SheilaFentiman - I agree.