16 yo son wants GF to sleep over

[Northmanchester]

He's 16 next week and has always said he would not have sex with his 17 year old GF until it was legal. He has asked for her to sleep over or him to sleep @ hers next week. We are very uncomfortable with allowing this as although we've talked about precautions/bought condoms etc. we think the less times they have sex the less chance there is of pregnancy. We know we can't stop it from happening at all. It's a numbers thing. We know he will not be happy when we tell him. Any advice on how we do?

It’s not pearl clutching ffs.

Everyone on here repeatedly bangs on about how ‘sex can always result in a baby so if he’s willing to have sex he should be ready to father a child’ etc

Yet OP’s son should be allowed this sleepover at 16??

I got pregnant at the same age and WISH my parents had put their foot down. Maybe I would still have done it in other places but it would’ve been MUCH LESS than having an available bedroom to shag 24/7 with parents approval

Ok so you are projecting massively. Your parents should definitely have had a conversation with you about safe sex for sure.

My parents let my boyfriend sleep
over at 16 and I did not get pregnant. We had safe sex and went out for 4 years. Everyone is different.

But it’s true that it’s legal at 16 and whilst the OP can say ‘not in my house’ that doesn’t mean they won’t go elsewhere. They have been together for a while. They are old enough…

They did!! I was just too immature to take it on board. And presumed the ‘odd occasion’ would be fine.

Aren’t you also ‘projecting’ with your own experience? Not everyone is as mature as you, OP will know her son far better and her instincts are clearly telling her not to allow it.

This desperation for parents to permit their barely legal kids to have sex under their roof on here is just downright strange. And that anyone who objects is a ‘pear clutcher’.

As I said before the number of times ‘if he wasn’t ready for a baby, he shouldn’t have slept with you OP’ is trotted out on here, I’m surprised 16 year olds are deemed mentally suitable.

They're probably already doing it . As long as they know to be careful , take precautions, consent I don't think you get a say in it

She can ‘not allow it’ in her house. They will go elsewhere. Of course they will.

Nobody is desperate for their ‘barely legal’ (btw legal is legal) kids to have sex. They are just savvy enough to know their kids. And to want to keep the lines of communication open and to not force them elsewhere.

But if OP feels uncomfortable that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean her child will say ‘ok Mum I’ll wait until I’m 18’. How often do you think that happens? It’s just being realistic, keeping them safe and keeping the lines of communication open. That’s how I want to parent. It’s going ok for me. Nobody is pregnant and DS has had a happy relationship for 2 years now.

And fwiw my now adult son was having sex at 16. Still with same partner been together 6 years and no pregnancy, live together etc.

For damage control could you not just say you are uncomfortable with it? If he pushes back against that I’d argue that’s an indication he’s not mature enough anyway (even if you know he will be doing it regardless). Sex is about respect consent and boundaries. In your house that will include respect for you and your boundaries. What if they are loud and you hear it? What if you bump into her half naked on the landing gong for the post coital pee? He needs to respect how you feel about it when it’s your home!

Just say no. You don’t need to give a reason. I don’t understand why some people want to make it easy for their children to have sex. Of course they are going to do it behind your back but they won’t be doing it as often.

You don’t seem to get it.

Of course I know her saying ‘not under my roof’ doesn’t mean they won’t.

It means ‘you might do it elsewhere, and I can’t stop that, but i consider you too young so won’t enable it under my roof’. Same as smoking weed - you can’t stop that either, but would you say ‘yes go ahead, smoke it here, I know I can’t stop you anyway’?

And of course it will reduce the incidences if they don’t have an available bedroom to have sex in 24/7.

Why is nobody commenting on what I wrote about MN belief that if a man has sex he’s ready for a baby?

They are mentally not ready for a baby and that is exactly the reason why they will have unprotected sex in unsafe places. I want my children to be safe and use contraception and that is most likely to be the case when they can have sex at home. Teenage pregnancy rates are lowest in the most liberal countries.

I would say yes tbh. It sounds as if he/they are sensible.

Because of safe and legal abortion. Another very unpleasant experience you don’t want your teenager to go through.

No I do get it. You do know they don’t have this attitude in other countries (like Scandinavia) where teenage pregnancy is lower.

You refuse to talk about it, you say ‘not under my roof’, you make it hard for them to get contraception or to
come to you for help with the morning after pill… That’s not a strategy that has shown to work…

Teenagers have and always will find a way to have sex. Better they do it in a safe place, with access to contraception and advice. Keeping your relationship close and open.

But clearly we all parent differently.

They will just go and have sex somewhere else though. And maybe they won’t have contraception to hand. And then they won’t be able to talk to you about the accident they just had….

Completely agree. And the evidence shows this.

He’s 16 and he doesn’t need anyone’s permission to have sex. But it’s called a private life for a reason. His private life should be as unknown to you as yours is to him. We’re supposed to skulk around looking for chances to have sex when we’re teenagers. It’s not your job to facilitate his sex life and doing so can actually increase the pressure on his teenage relationship to become a more adult one. There’s an intimacy to waking up together which is far more adult and meaningful than sex after school before your parents get home.

That is incorrect. Germany, Finland, the Netherlands and Denmark for instance all have very low abortion rates. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_abortion_rate

Yes exactly- because of the lower teenage pregnancy rate - because they are more open about sex.

Evidence based arguments here.

And the UK..?

100% agree.

Who said anything about ‘making it hard for them to get contraception’? It’s free, they’re of legal age, OP has no role in it at all.

You’re being very disingenuous. When was the last time you saw teenagers having sex in a public place? Has anyone on here ever actually seen that?

Place 92 out of a 153, so not in the top third of countries with the lowest abortion rates.

And yet we have free contraception and probably the least strict parenting of any country I know. Where has that gone wrong I wonder?

The least strict parenting? I disagree with that. There is huge emphasis on discipline, manners and achievement. I don't disagree with that, but it is strict.
Also, this thread is about not allowing a teenager to have his girlfriend stay over, which is strict parenting. However, teenage pregnancy rates are not caused by parenting. They are linked to various cultural factors.

As PPs have said I don't think it will reduce the number of instances like you envisage.

I’m not sure as my kids haven’t got there yet

I’m not sure id be overly happy about it but then I’d rather know where my kids were and that it was happening in a safe, clean, secure environment.

I wouldn’t want this to occur in public toilets/ parks/ woods/ back of cars etc

it’s a hard one isn’t it?
just asked my other half he said although he wouldn’t be that happy about it he’d probably allow it to avoid them telling lies and sneaking about!