I don’t think my parents played or read to me at all when I was a child

[Mum27383]

I didn’t give it much thought growing up. I was fed, clothed, loved to some extent, and financially provided for. They took me to lots of places and I did lots of activities, just not with them.

Now I have kids, one is a baby. My parents are gaga over them but they don’t how to connect with them. I was so puzzled as it shouldn’t be that hard if you’re had kids yourself. I had to show my Dad - told him you can’t just coo over a distance and expect things to happen. I told him to sit on the floor at baby’s level, baby was waving a toy, so I got a similar toy and waved it back at her and she responded enthusiastically. Dad copied me, but then kept shaking the toy at her repeatedly long after she had moved on, like he didn’t know what else to do. They don’t do the usual instinctive thing of making faces at babies to make them laugh either.

It’s a bit weird isn’t it? That got me thinking that I don’t actually have any memories
of them playing with me or reading to me, though they provided plenty of books and toys. Is this unusual? I’m in my 40s so wondering if it’s partly a generational thing. I was a vociferous reader and I did go to uni so I don’t think lack of reading to me hurt me. I do find imaginative play a bit difficult but it’s fine if a bit boring for long periods.

I do wonder if there is neurodiversity there - it is definitely in one of my kids, probably in me, and I’ve kind of suspected it in my parents too.

Same here - but they were different times, different generation, different life experience etc etc etc.
I'm sure they did their best at the time with the knowledge & experience they had. Not sure how trying to find a label helps much.

A label doesn’t help here, but given my child’s needs it does make us wonder about ourselves and our families. I wasn’t intending to bring it up with them.

I'm a similar age to you. I don't remember my parents particularly playing with us either, though they did set up things for us to play with and they encouraged us. It's turned me and my siblings into independent creative thinkers (though I'm sure other parenting models also do this!) and it's something I try hard to do with my own kids. I want them to be bored and invent their own games.

Our parents did read to us though.

Its generational, we got more from our parents than they did from their parents, in terms of emotional support and care, but im mid 40s and this was very much the norm.

When my nieces were born in the 90s I remember thinking how weird it was when my sister read to them.

By the time I had my own in the early 2000s it was def the norm to read and play. Our parents thought it was odd I think, comments like we are spoiling them or we cant be holding them all the time.

But thats what each generation does, gives their kids what they didn't have and needed. Im sure if mine ever have kids, they will raise them differently too.

For parents of our generation, parenting was not a verb.

My DM often comments that she didn't see her responsibilities to include entertaining us . We were fed, clothed, provided with a garden, toys and siblings and expected to make our own fun. We had so many adventures and played out in all weathers. I loved it!

I actually feel sad for my dc that they have such a structured, supervised and organised time. We don't have a garden you can hide in like I did as a child.

We were always read to though! Always. And I don't think that was weird in the 1980s.

I’m late 40’s was read too a lot & remember my mom & dad both reading to my younger siblings and I pitched in too sometimes. I remember playing with them too but definitely less structured activities than there are now.

we used the have family reading as we got older when we would all have a part in a play to read!

used to regularly play tennis, go swimming etc. so remember lots of just us kids playing too though.

had lots of friends who’s parents didn’t play or read though so not uncommon I don’t think!

Mine didn't either but I didn't really play much, apart from scrabble which I played a lot but only with my sister.

I was a voracious reader and taught myself to read - I could read at 2 and read 'proper' books in reception. I presume they thought they didn't need to read with me.

They did other stuff - we went to football from around 18 mths (season ticket) and attended a lot of clubs and play groups etc. I can't remember anyone else's parents playing either

No my parents never played with us or read to us. I didn't have many deep conversations with my parents either. We didn't eat dinner together at a table etc. It's really weird looking back but unsurprisingly we aren't close now.

I don't remember my parents reading to me or playing with me either. I was an only child too. But I was brought up in a different country where you just went outside to play with the neighbourhood children.
I was also hugely into reading and was reading chapter books by age 4/5 and could read in 2 different languages not long after. But my parents never read to me, all self taught.
It was such a different childhood, much freer and wilder than what my DCs have which is kind of sad.
My parents also had no idea how to play with their grandchildren either.

I know exactly what you mean OP about your parents not being able to connect with your baby, and expecting her to come to them rather than sitting at her level and joining in what she's doing etc. I don't think it's unusual but yes it is a bit weird and sad.

Being a parent (or grandparent) doesn't necessarily mean that you're in tune with children or can relate to them easily. Some people don't know how to play with children and that's a sad thing, but I don't think it necessarily means neurodiversity

My parents didn’t play with me either but no one’s parents did back in the 70s when I grew up. So I don’t think it’s unusual at all. I was loved, fed and didn’t want for anything. Playing was for children not adults. I read books myself and played with my siblings and friends.

Now I’ve had a child of my own, I can see I do things a bit differently, but isn’t that normal from generation to generation?

If you’re in your 40s it’s a long time since you dad had a baby in the house. He’s doing his best. Cut him some slack. If you’re constantly telling him what to do he probably doesn’t feel he can do anything else.

I am late 40’s, so a 70’s child and my parents and grandparents on both sides played with me and read to me all the time. They knew how to do it! So I don’t think your experience is specifically generational.

My parents are also brilliant with my DD. They are quite old (late 70’s) so can’t do much running about but they do endless play when with her.

That wasn’t my experience at all and I was also a 70’s child!

I don’t recall loveyouu parents playing with me it reading to me.
I had to make my own entertainment.
I was also left to my own devices quite a lot and played outside from a young age.
I also had to get to places on my own quite a lot too.
I did read and play with my DCs.
I think children are now viewed as more of a choice than they were in the past.

I was never read a story , was never played with,was not allowed on my mothers lap in case I creased her dress. My Mum said years later that I bored her! I did learn to read early though and became a big reader.

ETA my Dad did do those things

My childhood was like this. My brother and I were supposed to entertain each other or go out and play with local friends. MIL definitely regards spending quality time with her GC as putting out some toys or crafts and then sitting down with a cup of tea and a newspaper. But we had DC fairly late so she is in her 80s - with the best will in the world she isn't going to be getting down on the floor with them.

DH and I try not to structure our DCs time too much or make ourselves their main source of entertainment and it is lovely when you see them making up games together. Our parents definitely read to us loads and do read to their GC though. I don't think that's a recent thing.

I'm in my early 50s and my parents (like others of that generation) were very hands off. I have a brother close in age and we played together a fair bit, along with playing out with other children in the area once we got that bit older. The Gen X cliche of us being out from morning til evening with no parental oversight was certainly true in my case. When it came to parenting, my Mum and Dad did very little beyond providing a home to live in, food and clothes. They attended parents' evenings and the occasional school performance, but that was it. No lifts to and from places, no clubs or hobbies unless we sorted it ourselves, no day trips. We had two (lovely) holidays in static caravans during my childhood. Things have definitely changed for the better, although perhaps the pendulum has swung a bit too far in the opposite direction as there's nothing wrong with children being 'bored' (ie not having structured activities provided at all times).

Honestly, I don’t give him a hard time, I only told him (suggested nicely and modelled!) for the first time over Xmas and she’s a year old. I felt a bit sorry for them because they want to hold the baby but they don’t give her any reason to like their company. Whereas she smiles very easily with other mums who know how to play, strangers who make faces on the bus, anyone who makes an effort without any expectations.

I don’t remember my parents playing with me, they would set up play for me but then watch me or go off and do something else, but I do remember my grandparents playing with me. They would play customers in a shop that they would set up for me with things from there cupboards, they taught me how to paint, they would play vets with my soft toys, they would run around the garden and play mud kitchens with me, they would sit and play Barbie’s with me.
But i know for a fact they didn’t play with their own children when they were small, and they never told them they loved them (even though they obviously did and showed they did they just didn’t say it and weren’t overly warm and affectionate with them all the time like we tend to be today with children)

I’m 50s and I never recall being read to, played with or any parent attending school plays etc. I made sure I did all of the above with my 3 DCs. I just see it as my parents did the best they could do with the tools they had!

It's generational - recent studies say that parents now spend twice as much time with their children has 50 years ago.
I was never read to either, but I have a lifelong love of reading. I remember spending hours in the school library. I also remember being left alone a lot to entertain myself, I believe in some ways that did me good

It's generational - recent studies say that parents now spend twice as much time with their children has 50 years ago.
I was never read to either, but I have a lifelong love of reading. I remember spending hours in the school library. I also remember being left alone a lot to entertain myself, I believe in some ways that did me good

This was very much the same for my parents as well. No playing, no reading, no child focused activities. We existed and they provided basic care and got on with their lives. Not sure if it was the norm for parenting then or ND. I know when I had my first I realised I had no idea how to interact/play with a baby. I read books/watched videos/ watched how other parents were. Previous generations might not have had as much access to that.

Interesting, quite common then. No one seems too bothered by their childhoods. I do remember being happy enough playing with dolls and Lego on my own. It’s making me reflect on play with my older child because they have additional needs and communication through play is a big part of supporting them. I think this is also where my parents struggle.